My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

You hit the nail on the head with 'he thinks he loves her', because he really, really doesn't. Obviously neither of you even know what love is

I think you may be confusing love with something else, I believe people having affairs can still in some way care for their spouse in that they still hold affection for what they are to them (usually mother to their children, runner of the household, getter of shit done, that sort of thing) but love them? No absolutely not, that's just not what love is, because to have an affair running into multiple years is a sure fire way to hurt someone when they find out about it. We don't intentionally hurt people we love

I don't know what you thought your post would bring to this thread, but it's not going to go well

I think now that I am feeling a little bit clearer today is the issue for me

yes I can easily take him back and not have to worry about the home, if he gets a job, the kids security, loneliness, hurt, embarrassment, I know I can do that. But I feel I would be so worried he would do it again, how would you get past that one??? That’s terrifying. 99.9% of people on here have advised, and kindly so (mostly) that I would be setting myself up for a fall, and I can’t argue that point because I really don’t know do I? I have said to a commenter who has been the OW that I would have to not love my husband to do what he has done. Are people insinuating that it’s just women who feel that way? How misogynistic. It’s not like he was in some sort of trance, the opposite actually because he had to think long and hard to make the excuses, tell the lies, and set up and put in place all the things he did to be with the OW. Not just once, but hundreds of times. And the risks he took? Not just me and his children, but his home, job, car, security, future! How could he not have thought of any of that all this time! He was still sleeping with her a week ago for gods sake. He was “trying to break it off with her” though! Apparently! Nobody, unless there’s something seriously seriously wrong with you, risks all of the above for just sex and because they love their wives!

@MarianaMonterey well done, you might finally have pushed @Thescornedwife into finding her anger

@Thescornedwife good to finally see you posting with some sense of self-worth. 💪

@Thescornedwife he had a wonderful life and fantastic job with you. Had his head turned and betrayed you, your daughters and your entire life together while he fell for another women.

He wasn't just risking it all - he left you, he chose to give it all up for his New Thing.

Then when she rejected him he turned around to you and said, oops, sorry, I am so upset, I know I rejected you and you're second best to me but take me back?

Remember: he hasn't chosen you
You're just (to him) better than the alternative

And that's the message he's given his daughters too.

Come on, @Thescornedwife you're worth more than that and you deserve far better

You'll twist yourself in knots forever more trying to figure out the why of what he's done. You just need to know he has, he chose it and you just need to stay angry.

Not at all trying to excuse but you touched on is it only women who couldn't cheat if they loved their partner, many many men wouldn't cheat and never hut their spouse, but I do believe men are better at compartmentalising things. They can put things in different boxes in their head and tell themselves they love both women, but they only 'love' them for what they're doing for them at the time. One being wifey that keeps his life on track, and one being AP who gives him sex and an ego boost. It's entirely no excuse but men do this, all the time

Two years! He only wants to comeback as he has nothing else (sorry to be blunt but that’s how I see it). You are writing the post in tears. Look what he has done to you and your family because at one point he thought he had a better offer. If my DH did that I’d be devastated and yes maybe I’d like things to be back the way they were before I found out but I would never trust him again and I’m not living my life looking over my shoulder , paranoid that they are having an affair….again. He had his chance he cocked up , move on buster. Now you know how it feels to have your life destroyed. Karma.. It will take time but you will get over this!!!

I'm so pleased you are finding your anger! ❤️❤️❤️

Indeed. Plus: 'If it’s a question asked in good faith I will happily PM you, or you can start a thread asking affair partners how they live with themselves and tag me.'

We already know how they can live with themselves - it's because they care about no one other than themselves and their own gratification, and their souls are made of dust. The end!

It's a nope from me

I understand this a bit better now. But I assume these days casual and discreet sex probably isn’t hard to come by. But a 2 year almost boyfriend and girlfriend situation with the same person again and again, risking the job and everything is some compartmentalising! That’s scary if they can do that

Bloody hell - read the room!

Agree. Embarrassing! And incredibly insensitive and arrogant.

I dont know if this article would be of any help to you @Thescornedwife Its a woman who is further along the line than you who decided to stay with her husband The bit that stuck out to me was when she said that to keep her marriage she had to sacrifice her peace of mind.
https://www.zinio.com/gb/article/red-uk/december-2025-i674694/after-the-affair-a30

It is scary, but I've seen a few do it. The ones that have long term affairs are best at it, they play the doting husband, usually being a good dad, then play the role of doting boyfriend to the OW like it's nothing.

I know it's the men that ultimately do the cheating but women like @MarianaMonterey that show this level of naivety just perpetuate the problem.

I don't tend to judge if someone meets someone new while in a relationship, I've been there, and often it's the catalyst to know shits not right and either fix it of fuck off (I chose fuck off, but no kids involved) but a 2 year affair is another level of fuckery

@Thescornedwife it's understandable that you still feel in love with him, it's only been a few days after all.

But im pretty sure (as a complete stranger) that you're in love with the person you thought he was, and you understandably want your life back the way it seemed.

Here he is: apologising, looking vulnerable and saying the right things and it looks so easy for things to go back the way they were...

Except, the way you thought they were wasn't reality. You didn't have the husband you thought you did, you didn't have the marriage or family you thought you had, because he threw it away all that time ago.

That's the betrayal. Not just that he cheated, not just that he left you, but that he let you think you had something good in your life when you didn't. It was a fantasy.

Now just when you find out, he's there begging for it go back to how you imagined it was.

It really does a number on you. What a headf*ck.

So you're right when you say it would seem easy to take him back, but you think it would never be the same, because it wouldn't. And it hasn't been for a long time.

So when you entertain the what-ifs about taking him back and working on your marriage, be clear sighted about what the end result is, because chances are it will never be what you're hoping for.

And then think back to younger you. Would younger you want to find yourself in a relationship like this? Would you want it for your daughters?

Because you deserve no less than they do.

If you take him back, as is your right, then you need to be clear about the reality - you won't get the fantasy. This isn't to say, don't do it - but it would be cruel to convince yourself it would be like it never happened.

Will you be content with what the reality is of a continuing marriage with him? That's the only real question that needs answering.

None of us can answer for you. Either way, you need to grieve the end of what you once had before you can move forward.

I will say don't rush to take him back, he'll be hanging around for a while which gives you time to process things and work out what you want. Then if you decide to work on things you can do so with a clearer head.

Just don't stay with him because you fear the alternative.

I haven’t read all the responses OP but if you are still here and reading, I know of a similar situation in fact nearly everything was the same, except from the job details. Where I think your husband is still lying is the current situation with his OW. I would be willing to bet that she’s the one who ended things between them (not begged him to commit to her- he already chose her 6 months ago when he left you). He’s also most likely telling her he loves her and trying to win her back while telling her that you’re begging him to come back home, threatening suicide and all sort of crazy things. I truly believe that if he had the option to chose one of you now he would go to her. Perhaps it’s worth checking with her and seeing their text messages and other evidence, just in case you get a wobble to take him back because of „love”.

@Thescornedwife please start a new thread as this one’s nearly finished

I have enquired about this, and she has advised she hasn’t heard from him and that he has blocked her from WhatsApp, he doesn’t have any other social media or way to contact him. I don’t know whether he has blocked her number though, and he has a different number himself because the phone was a company phone.

she said she doesn’t want anything to do with him because he wasn’t committing enough and she felt that if/when people found out he would run back (she was right) and she had left her husband etc and now he’s been asking back home she definitely doesn’t want anything to do with him.

Did she tell you this directly or is this someone’s version of what happened between them?

Oh so he was just pretty comfortable with his wife at home and his bit on the side. Best of both worlds.

When pushed he made a choice but now he's lost his job & she has the sense to realise he wasn't that committed to her either.

You have to wonder, if he just enjoyed having his cake and eating it, will he do it again?

Trying to understand WHY a cheater cheated is very common and normal. Chump Lady calls it "untangling the skein". She advises not to do this, that the betrayed spouse will never understand because they're simply not built like a cheater mentally, and that instead of trying to untangle the skein and going mad in the process (and wasting ever more energy and time), the betrayed spouse should simply be thinking, "Is this acceptable to me?"

But I understand that it's very difficult to get to that clear stage so early on, so you'll likely be untangling the skein for a bit.

In relation to this, you mentioned "My family hate him and he had lied before about gambling and money and things"

This suggests that long before you discovered the affair, he has behaved in other dishonourable, sly, and dishonest ways.

It sounds like right now, you're thinking that because the consequences of his cheating are so stunningly enormous, he must be simply "foolish", which leads to thinking "he made a mistake". Which leads to some sort of forgivenness, "we all make mistakes" etc.

My reading is that it wasn't a mistake, he just thought he could get away with it, because he's gotten away with other things before. That btw could include another affair. This one may not be the only one. His fluid lying during this whole saga supports this - it seems practiced. He certainly had no qualms about telling these thousands of lies.

I suggest that before you assume that he never did this before, it was a one off, he was overcome with limerence, he compartmentalised so well that his left hand didn't know what his right hand was doing - consider the possibility that he might be a fundamentally dishonest person who has gotten by in life by lying and sneaking about, and just got caught this time.

And btw, it seems that you're basing your thinking on what he's told you. Cheaters lie and manipulate. That's what they do. Be careful not to base your thinking on info coming from the cheater.

Well no, he told me that

yes I can easily take him back and not have to worry about the home, if he gets a job, the kids security, loneliness, hurt, embarrassment, I know I can do that.
Have you imagined taking him back, in detail? I ask as my exh stayed in our home (refused to leave in a hurry) for a months after I'd worked out what must be going on. He was still denying it and making me out to be a bitch. But my main issue was having to smell him in the room, having to share a bathroom with him, cook and eat in the same space. It turned my stomach. I was permanently livid. (Drove me to snoop on his emails, after which he left pdq.)

But I feel I would be so worried he would do it again, how would you get past that one???
Since my exh cheated on me, I don't believe there are any people you can totally trust. My present partner could be cheating on me right now, for all I know.
So I've given up worrying about it and instead focus on how he treats me. As long as he is kind, loving, thoughtful, considerate and open with me, and I enjoy his company, I'll stay with him. If he takes advantage of that trust and cheats, more fool him. He knows what would happen if I found out.

I have said to a commenter who has been the OW that I would have to not love my husband to do what he has done.
I think that people having affairs either enjoy tricking their partner (e.g. out of spite, or titillation) or they are so keen to have sex with a new person that they switch off their brains and pretend they can't help it.

Has you husband actually shown you any of these videos, or has he just described them in lurid detail?

My ex invited the OW to our house as he found it exciting for the two of them to know who she really was, while I and the kids had no idea. He also had sex in his car, and video called me from a hotel, where she was in the room out of the picture. I believe he enjoyed this risky behaviour, and me not knowing.

Do you think this was your husband's first affair?

You sound so much better today. Hold on to that anger. It will serve you well when navigating the changes you need to make in your life. In terms of your daughter feeling sorry for her Dad, I'm sure he'll try to use this to his advantage. Please don't let him. He's the deceitful husband who cheated on you for 2 years. Have faith in yourself. In the long term your daughters will come to understand why you needed to kick his cheating arse to the curb. Lean on your family. They sound supportive.
Strength and honour. 💐

So you can’t believe a word of it. He is saying whatever he thinks will get you to comply with his wishes and let him return to his comfortable life he had before.