Mum will not allow me to spend time with other family members

[Nomorebullshitnotavailable]

There has been a long history of this. Title not entirely accurate as I am allowed to see my dad and my brother but only if she is there.

Quick overview - parents split over 30 years ago, I live closest to my mum, dad and brother live further away but in different locations to one another. I am the only one with children, all of whom are young (under 5).

There have been many instances of me asking to spend one on one time with my dad or my brother over the years. They don’t seem keen because they know it will cause issues with mum. If I bring it up with mum I get a lot of shit back (silent treatment, guilt tripping, tears etc).

I recently went to visit my dad (he usually comes to us as children haven’t travelled well) and my mum’s response was to go and stay with him (and his wife) for 3 days. By the way, she loathes him and constantly bitches about him to me. So, as self involved as it sounds, I do feel like the visit was to make a point to me.

She frequently spends one on time with my brother (ie every visit) but I am NEVER allowed to see him by myself. Even when my dad visits, he usually goes to her house first and then they will all come over to mine.

I do know there is something very toxic here. I have had therapy and I know that my mother is a major cause of anxiety and stress for me. Even putting reasonable boundaries in place is met with the usual silent treatment and guilt tripping.

There’s a lot more I could say but don’t really know where to start and end. My two questions really are:

1. Does anyone have any idea why she could be like this?
2. I can’t cut her off (I’ve tried just taking a break and the fallout really wasn’t worth it) so how do I handle this?

I’m really at my wits end, it has a huge impact on my mental health and I would be so grateful for any insights. Thank you.

I'm certainly not a perfect mother, by a long stretch, but I would do anything for them and their happiness and success has been my focus since they were born.

I was very touched by what my children said, as I really tried hard to be a welcoming mum, always there for them at collections and there if they needed me.

I cannot fathom allowing a child go hungry and wanting.

This is your thread and journaling your recollections and feelings and hearing honest responses will be something you can use to remind yourself of just how right you are that your childhood was seriously fxxked up.

Hopefully this will start to change.

I spent years apologising for literally everything too! I still do it tbf, but now I think 'oh, I really didn't need to apologise for that' so I'm getting there!

You sound like such a lovely person, someone I'd be friends with irl!

I hope everything turns out well for you ❤

Oh God, this could actually be me! I’m trying to catch myself now and say “actually no I’m not sorry - sorry” 😂

And thank you so much - you also sound lovely. It’s almost sad really that it’s all anonymous because it would be lovely to realise that you live just down the road!x

I'm near Glasgow if that helps lol!

And yeah...

Them: stop saying sorry

Me: okay, sorry!

😂

Oof (sorry) I have another question for you!

Have you found it difficult to form female friendships? It’s something that seemingly doesn’t come naturally to me. I really try but it’s almost like I enter every friendship assuming that there’ll be a shelf life? I don’t know. I’ve always yearned for a “best friend” who will have my back and be that person who just “gets” me - but I think I land on a lot of emotionally unavailable people OR I find a reason to walk away.

I don’t know if that’s my autism or my history. Or possibly I’m far more objectionable in real life 😂

I feel quite privileged to be one of a bunch of strangers to whom you have opened up and supplied with updates.

I don’t know if that’s my autism or my history. Or possibly I’m far more objectionable in real life 😂

Your sense of humour definitely lands with me! I'm in Sussex btw, and, although old, I can be a pal, especially where cake might be involved :D

A) Script of my life - sorry, yes will stop saying sorry. Sorry. No, sorry, must stop saying sorry. Sorry 🤣

B) Of course I found a potential friend near Glasgow - I’m almost as far south as can be!!!

I find it astonishing and moving that anyone could be so interested in me. You’ve been a terribly supportive and caring voice on this thread.

I would happily supply you with cake! I learned at a young age how to bake (gallows humour).

I am so utterly useless with technology of all sorts (give me a flatpack or a recipe any day) but if there is such a thing as private messaging on this then to any one of you who feels so inclined (and is better at it than me), do reach out (urgh, I actually loathe that phrase).

WANTED: Emotionally healthy female friends. Can offer inappropriate humour, a supportive ear and, for any willing to travel, a fucking good carrot cake.

You can private message on here! I was going to say as I going to do that, because I feel I'm putting too much info on this public forum and scared someone will work out it's me 😂

Just click the 3 dots beside the username you want to message, and it'll say PM.

There is a pattern to this. Similar relationship with my mum, and i have always struggled with female friendships. They have become easier as I got older, but I am guarded with women when I first get to know them, because I am just waiting for the criticism and negative comments.

And I used to apologise constantly. The midwife who delivered my eldest actually commented on it. I had a rough labour, but all I kept doing was apologising!

Keep asking questions, keep talking about it, keep reading and learning. I'm on other side now, no longer scared of upsetting my mother, pretty much no contact with my troublesome sibling (actually not my choice, but they couldn't cope with boundaries so dropped). Life is so much easier.

@Nomorebullshitnotavailable

The reason I originally developed an interest in psychology was to understand my own abusive mother and uncaring enabler father.
Much of what you have said resonates with me. I am, as a parent, the complete opposite of my mother and deliberately so. I found it difficult to watch 'normal' family relationships that my friends had and I find it difficult to form friendships - with females in particular. I had a string of abusive relationships (until I met my DP), had an eating disorder and am an alcoholic albeit sober for approx 18yrs.
I am NC with my mother and was LC with my father until his death. This month it's been 40 years since I last had a conversation with her when I refused to see her when my parents separated - her reaction was to scream abuse at me and to put her hands around my throat. She's still waiting for me to slink back and beg forgiveness apparently. The times that she & I have been to the same family event have not ended well for her in that I ignore her almost completely although I am civil with a polite hello.
I have had so much pressure to re-establish contact from family members and my father & his 2nd wife were the worst in telling me that she had rights over my children! Obviously she doesn't and but I was always wary of the family intentions/motives etc. but it was always "but she's your mum" - yeah right!

The parallels are fascinating, I did the same in my labours!!

I’m so pleased for you that you have managed to come out the other side. That must have been an incredibly hard road. How are your female friendships now? Have you seen a shift?

Buckle up, everyone!!

Oh my goodness - I am so so sorry for what you’ve gone through. I can see how you’ve come to the clarity you have now. It must have taken an extraordinary amount of strength.

Your experience and empathy does speak through your comments. If you’re able to be this supportive of a total stranger then your children are phenomenally lucky to have had you as a mother.

Yes, I have solid friendships with some wonderful female friends now.

The trigger, in my case, was that is that I broke down during a marriage which was a complete repeat pattern of my relationship with my mother and my sibling. I posted about it on here as it happened, and the response was an overwhelming "this is abuse, you need to recognise it and get out of this toxic marriage".

It was therapist who guided me through the rest, but it took another two years for me to fully see it for what it is. And it was my friends who were there for me.

I'm at the point now where I just don't care anymore. I still prioritise being kind, but I know my boundaries. If my mother, for example, starts her tricks - saying she wants to die, playing me off against my siblings - I just respond by saying something like, "sleep on it, see if you still.want to.die in the morning " or "i don't care about what <sibling> said, I'm too busy planning my dinner" etc. The 25 times a day phone calls have stopped, and i don't have to account for my whereabouts every minute.

And obviously my ex is gone, and stopped the stalking etc. It's amazingly liberating! And my dcs are so much freerer too!

Bloody hell, you’ve overcome so much. I’m in awe. Truly - I just hope that I (and possibly other women reading this? I have been a long time mumsnet lurker!) can have a smidgeon of your courage.

I’m forever blown away by the courage of women like you. Thank you for sharing.