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Original poster

I’m in a right mess. What the fuck do I do?

694 replies

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 14:58

I am 26, I have a stable job and my own house so that doesn’t have a bearing on the situation I am in.

My ex and I (I’ll call him Leo for the sake of this post) broke up a year ago. It was entirely mutual, because we were both too busy to dedicate enough time to our relationship. We’d been together for two years and it honestly broke my heart. We were both just as upset and heartbroken as each other, but we knew it had to happen because we just weren’t good partners for each other. He has always felt like my “what could have been”, he was the right person at the wrong time.

About twelve weeks ago, I met up with a friend (I’ll call him Adam) for coffee. Adam mentioned quite off the cuff that he had always liked me and wanted to take me on a date. I agreed, because I really liked him too and decided it would be fun.

After a couple of dates it became clear that the limit of our relationship was lust, and wouldn’t become romantic.

We ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation and it was all good, until I realised that I’ve missed my period. I’ve done a test and it’s positive, and I think I’m about four weeks.

I’ve told Adam and he has said the ball is entirely in my court. If I want the baby, he will step up and we can coparent. If I don’t, he’ll support that.

I was leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo texted me and said he misses me, he wants to give things another go and he is serious about me. This has really thrown my head into a scramble.

i don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this and I guess I just need some sort of advice because I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
EverybodyLTB · 13/10/2025 15:11

The baby needs to be the focus of your decision making, because neither of these me are a sure thing. The question is - do you want a baby? Forget about Leo or Adam, either of those will or won’t go somewhere regardless of a baby being around. Imagine they’ve both dropped off the face of the earth- do you want a baby and can you cope with a baby alone?

Comeonbabylightmyfire · 13/10/2025 15:13

Depends on how much you want to keep the pregnancy I guess.

Original poster
IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 15:17

EverybodyLTB · 13/10/2025 15:11

The baby needs to be the focus of your decision making, because neither of these me are a sure thing. The question is - do you want a baby? Forget about Leo or Adam, either of those will or won’t go somewhere regardless of a baby being around. Imagine they’ve both dropped off the face of the earth- do you want a baby and can you cope with a baby alone?

I think I could. I’ve always wanted children and I believe everything happens for a reason- but that’s why I’m torn. Because I also think Leo reaching out to me has happened for a reason.

OP posts:
dairydebris · 13/10/2025 15:17

EverybodyLTB · 13/10/2025 15:11

The baby needs to be the focus of your decision making, because neither of these me are a sure thing. The question is - do you want a baby? Forget about Leo or Adam, either of those will or won’t go somewhere regardless of a baby being around. Imagine they’ve both dropped off the face of the earth- do you want a baby and can you cope with a baby alone?

Yes, this.

Push all other issues away, first decide if you want to have the baby.

All decisions will flow from that.

For example, if you only want the baby if you still get to give it another go with Leo, I'd say you don't want the baby.

Arlanymor · 13/10/2025 15:19

The men in this situation are irrelevant in terms of your decision-making - neither of them might be in the picture long term, but a baby definitely will.

Do you want a child? Can you support a child? Could you be a single parent?

Sidebeforeself · 13/10/2025 15:23

Forget about fanciful notions of things happening for a reason. You need to work out ALL the practicalities involved in being a single parent and THEN decide if thats what you want. Every little thing, think about whether you can cope with it just being down to you.

If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy , great, but do it because you want a baby that YOU can raise. Much later down the line you can then think about a relationship.

Original poster
IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 15:28

Sidebeforeself · 13/10/2025 15:23

Forget about fanciful notions of things happening for a reason. You need to work out ALL the practicalities involved in being a single parent and THEN decide if thats what you want. Every little thing, think about whether you can cope with it just being down to you.

If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy , great, but do it because you want a baby that YOU can raise. Much later down the line you can then think about a relationship.

im quite confident I could do it. My job has brilliant maternity leave (it’s one of the reasons I applied there) and I’ve always loved kids/been good with them. I do appreciate that it’s different with a baby of your own, but the fact I’ve always wanted it makes it easier to imagine.

OP posts:
EveningSpread · 13/10/2025 15:29

I don’t mean this in a harsh way at all, but from your post you don’t sound mature enough to have a child if you’re considering an abortion because a man texted you.

You’re still very young. You have plenty of time to find someone suitable and have a baby that’s 100% wanted, when you’re in a good situation.

Solo parenting is hard and can be very lonely. Very few people go into that willingly. Especially so young.

Original poster
IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 15:30

EveningSpread · 13/10/2025 15:29

I don’t mean this in a harsh way at all, but from your post you don’t sound mature enough to have a child if you’re considering an abortion because a man texted you.

You’re still very young. You have plenty of time to find someone suitable and have a baby that’s 100% wanted, when you’re in a good situation.

Solo parenting is hard and can be very lonely. Very few people go into that willingly. Especially so young.

Not once did I say I’m considering an abortion.

OP posts:
Handmethegunandaskmeagain · 13/10/2025 15:32

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 15:30

Not once did I say I’m considering an abortion.

Show quote history

But you did say “I was leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo texted me…” and many people would rightly or wrongly assume your alternative would be an abortion. Unless not keeping the baby to you means adoption?

Tiswa · 13/10/2025 15:40

Then what are your options you are thinking of?

InsectsMatter · 13/10/2025 15:41

I’m in my 60’s and my friends who have had abortions say they regret it. (I’ve not been pregnant or had an abortion).
Fir some it was their one chance of being pregnant.
Think how you might feel in 30 years.

EarthSight · 13/10/2025 15:41

I was leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo texted me and said he misses me

Come on OP.

Yes you didn't say the word 'abortion', but neither did you say adoption either, so most readers would assume you were talking about abortion here.

I think you would be mistaken if you considered doing either based on some kind of of dream you might have of a happy-ever-after with Leo.

Unless the other guy is very unsuitable, I'd keep the baby in your situation, especially given that you want to have children, but be prepared that neither man will pull through for you in this scenario.

I wish you luck because although stressful and huge change, this could be an exciting time for you.

EverybodyLTB · 13/10/2025 15:42

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 15:17

I think I could. I’ve always wanted children and I believe everything happens for a reason- but that’s why I’m torn. Because I also think Leo reaching out to me has happened for a reason.

Show quote history

I understand this thinking it’s happened for a reason, but the reasons are just logical manifestations of your actions. A baby is a huge responsibility, and a lifetime of self sacrifice and effort. The reason there is a baby is you were shagging a FWB. The reason Leo has reached out is because he wants to go backwards and has regrets, or just fancies a bit of nostalgia shagging until he sadly realises the reason you split up actually still stands and he’s going off again. He may even be in touch because he’s heard about Adam. He may also be in touch because it turns out he is your one true love, in that case he won’t mind that you’re about to have someone else’s baby. All of it doesn’t matter, I simply cannot stress that to you enough. Like I mean none of it, the men, the why’s, the all of it. I was married when I had my children and now I’m a completely lone parent to children with a variety of different physical and SEN needs. This is kind of fine by me, I love them and I can do it, but if I was expecting anything from anyone else or looking for reasons I’d be struggling right now. Times have moved on for women in so many ways, but for huge numbers of us, the baby is ours alone when all is said and done. Even people in so called happy, stable relationships, a man is often taking the piss.

Im older than you and cynical, so sorry for the harsh delivery. It comes from a place of love, I love all women and children and want them to not be let down, disappointed and broken anymore. If you want a baby and you can do it alone then for sure go for it, but I urge you not to make any decisions based on the actions of men who have already shown they’re not quite for you.

everychildmatters · 13/10/2025 15:44

@IAmInAPickle Was it a case of a contraception fail or were you sort of hoping for a pregnancy?

musicalfrog · 13/10/2025 15:45

If you're not considering an abortion...

Tell Leo you'd like to see him again but make sure you tell him you just got pregnant by another man before you meet up.

Leo might decide he doesn't want to see you after all.

He needs to know though.

Loveduppenguin · 13/10/2025 15:45

Adam will not step up and co parent…I can practically guarantee it. What you need to decide is whether you want to be a single parent. That’s it…very simply.

So mat pay is good, brilliant
what about childcare costs? Can you afford it all by yourself?

Acornhat · 13/10/2025 15:45

Assume Adam doesn’t step up do you still want the baby
Imagine Leo doesn’t work out in a few months would you still be glad you’d terminated
i think that’s all you can go on

SweetTalkinWookie · 13/10/2025 15:46

If a text from an ex is enough to make you reconsider having this baby... then you probably don't want it.

IndoorVoice · 13/10/2025 15:49

EverybodyLTB · 13/10/2025 15:11

The baby needs to be the focus of your decision making, because neither of these me are a sure thing. The question is - do you want a baby? Forget about Leo or Adam, either of those will or won’t go somewhere regardless of a baby being around. Imagine they’ve both dropped off the face of the earth- do you want a baby and can you cope with a baby alone?

I wouldn’t imagine Adam has dropped off the earth as she’ll be stuck with him for at least 18 years one way or another if she has the baby.

IndoorVoice · 13/10/2025 15:51

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 15:17

I think I could. I’ve always wanted children and I believe everything happens for a reason- but that’s why I’m torn. Because I also think Leo reaching out to me has happened for a reason.

Show quote history

I don’t think everything happens for a reason. It just happens and you can make a decision accordingly, but adding fate into it is irrelevant to your decision making and removing your agency to a degree.

IndoorVoice · 13/10/2025 15:53

InsectsMatter · 13/10/2025 15:41

I’m in my 60’s and my friends who have had abortions say they regret it. (I’ve not been pregnant or had an abortion).
Fir some it was their one chance of being pregnant.
Think how you might feel in 30 years.

I think either decision is valid but to provide balance, many of my friends have had abortions and not regretted it.

Original poster
IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 15:53

everychildmatters · 13/10/2025 15:44

@IAmInAPickle Was it a case of a contraception fail or were you sort of hoping for a pregnancy?

God I’ll get destroyed for this but it was a drunken night where we both forgot to use a condom

OP posts:
IndoorVoice · 13/10/2025 15:55

EverybodyLTB · 13/10/2025 15:42

I understand this thinking it’s happened for a reason, but the reasons are just logical manifestations of your actions. A baby is a huge responsibility, and a lifetime of self sacrifice and effort. The reason there is a baby is you were shagging a FWB. The reason Leo has reached out is because he wants to go backwards and has regrets, or just fancies a bit of nostalgia shagging until he sadly realises the reason you split up actually still stands and he’s going off again. He may even be in touch because he’s heard about Adam. He may also be in touch because it turns out he is your one true love, in that case he won’t mind that you’re about to have someone else’s baby. All of it doesn’t matter, I simply cannot stress that to you enough. Like I mean none of it, the men, the why’s, the all of it. I was married when I had my children and now I’m a completely lone parent to children with a variety of different physical and SEN needs. This is kind of fine by me, I love them and I can do it, but if I was expecting anything from anyone else or looking for reasons I’d be struggling right now. Times have moved on for women in so many ways, but for huge numbers of us, the baby is ours alone when all is said and done. Even people in so called happy, stable relationships, a man is often taking the piss.

Im older than you and cynical, so sorry for the harsh delivery. It comes from a place of love, I love all women and children and want them to not be let down, disappointed and broken anymore. If you want a baby and you can do it alone then for sure go for it, but I urge you not to make any decisions based on the actions of men who have already shown they’re not quite for you.

Show quote history

I agree with all of this apart from you might also be stuck with the father one way or another for 20 years and who knows how that will go.

Lennonjingles · 13/10/2025 15:58

If you are going ahead with pregnancy, you should proceed thinking you will be going it alone. Did you ever discuss having children with ex.