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Original poster

I’m in a right mess. What the fuck do I do?

694 replies

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 14:58

I am 26, I have a stable job and my own house so that doesn’t have a bearing on the situation I am in.

My ex and I (I’ll call him Leo for the sake of this post) broke up a year ago. It was entirely mutual, because we were both too busy to dedicate enough time to our relationship. We’d been together for two years and it honestly broke my heart. We were both just as upset and heartbroken as each other, but we knew it had to happen because we just weren’t good partners for each other. He has always felt like my “what could have been”, he was the right person at the wrong time.

About twelve weeks ago, I met up with a friend (I’ll call him Adam) for coffee. Adam mentioned quite off the cuff that he had always liked me and wanted to take me on a date. I agreed, because I really liked him too and decided it would be fun.

After a couple of dates it became clear that the limit of our relationship was lust, and wouldn’t become romantic.

We ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation and it was all good, until I realised that I’ve missed my period. I’ve done a test and it’s positive, and I think I’m about four weeks.

I’ve told Adam and he has said the ball is entirely in my court. If I want the baby, he will step up and we can coparent. If I don’t, he’ll support that.

I was leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo texted me and said he misses me, he wants to give things another go and he is serious about me. This has really thrown my head into a scramble.

i don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this and I guess I just need some sort of advice because I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Jollyjoy · 13/10/2025 16:58

I think the tone of many of these replies is pretty horrible. She’s had drunken, unprotected sex, which many of us did in our twenties and just didn’t end up pregnant. She’d not be the first to have a baby in these circumstances and make a great success of it.

OP, you sound like you want the baby. You believe Adam will be a decent co parent. Time will tell on that. As far as I can see it, the only dilemma is whether you tell Leo that you’d love to get back together but that you are pregnant. And unknown how Adam would react to that. Good luck to you.

LadyGreyTeaforMe · 13/10/2025 16:59

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:57

We both made a mutual mistake once, usually we used protection.

Show quote history

So he's not a nice man with family values.

He was out for a shag and didn't care. You'd only known him 8 weeks before you had unprotected sex.

It doesn't matter if it was once or 20 times- that's how babies are made.

TwoTuesday · 13/10/2025 16:59

If you want to be a single parent then go for it. I don't know how you'd be able to coparent a baby without being in a relationship or living together. Kids can't always get a place in childcare and can't go at all when they are ill, and it's expensive. Can you rely on the dad to support the child/ you in terms of sleepless nights, nursery runs and sickness cover? I wouldn't be rushing towards this, but what does your heart say? People do manage it.
Don't let other people guilt you, if you're not wanting a baby yet. One mistake doesn't have to lead to another.

Toofficeornot · 13/10/2025 16:59

Habe you priced up nursery fees OP. It might help to make your decision.

P0PTARTS · 13/10/2025 17:00

And don’t listen to everyone berating you about contraception. It’s done now

LadyGreyTeaforMe · 13/10/2025 17:02

P0PTARTS · 13/10/2025 17:00

And don’t listen to everyone berating you about contraception. It’s done now

Yes but there is poor child as a result.

Boomer55 · 13/10/2025 17:02

Well it’s your decision, but I wouldn't bet on Leo wanting to be involved with someone else’s child, especially as it was just a casual fling.

Planck · 13/10/2025 17:03

I’d probably choose rekindling with Leo over having a family with Adam

I'm not sure this is the right question. A better question would be whether you are in a position to have the baby as a single mother. Tying it up with which of the two men you prefer is not helpful, partly because you may end up with neither of them and partly because the decision is more important than that. A text from a ex-boyfriend who has been out of touch for a year is not a basis on which to terminate a pregnancy, nor is a co-parenting suggestion from a man you hardly know a basis for keeping it. What if you terminate and then it doesn't work out with Leo after all? Or you decide to keep the baby but Adam does a bunk?

I'd encourage you to talk to a neutral counsellor about it all.

LadyGreyTeaforMe · 13/10/2025 17:03

Jollyjoy · 13/10/2025 16:58

I think the tone of many of these replies is pretty horrible. She’s had drunken, unprotected sex, which many of us did in our twenties and just didn’t end up pregnant. She’d not be the first to have a baby in these circumstances and make a great success of it.

OP, you sound like you want the baby. You believe Adam will be a decent co parent. Time will tell on that. As far as I can see it, the only dilemma is whether you tell Leo that you’d love to get back together but that you are pregnant. And unknown how Adam would react to that. Good luck to you.

I didn't know any career minded single 26 year olds who took that risk, drunk or not.

Bobiverse · 13/10/2025 17:04

InsectsMatter · 13/10/2025 15:41

I’m in my 60’s and my friends who have had abortions say they regret it. (I’ve not been pregnant or had an abortion).
Fir some it was their one chance of being pregnant.
Think how you might feel in 30 years.

Well, I had an abortion 12 years ago and it remains one of the most correct decisions of my life. I have no regrets, and I actually sometimes forget. I was doing an anonymous women’s health questionnaire once and one of the questions was on abortion, I ticked no and had to go back and correct it. It just has no affect on my life or my thinking, and was absolutely the right decision.

LadyGreyTeaforMe · 13/10/2025 17:06

Neither of these men are solid dependable types.

One has created a baby by being careless (as were you) and the other left you (mutually ) and is now coming back.

Forget about them both.

It's not 'either or' and you're being incredibly naive to think you have the choice of them.

Adam will probably vanish in a puff of smoke once reality hits home (and the cost of paying for the child for 18 years) and Leo is just flaky - and who says he wants to bring up another man's child?

PennyPugwash · 13/10/2025 17:07

Do you really want to have a baby like this?…..…

Original poster
IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 17:07

LadyGreyTeaforMe · 13/10/2025 16:59

So he's not a nice man with family values.

He was out for a shag and didn't care. You'd only known him 8 weeks before you had unprotected sex.

It doesn't matter if it was once or 20 times- that's how babies are made.

Edited
Show quote history

I’ve known him a lot longer than that. We’ve been friends a long time. We both had a drunken fumble.

OP posts:
StewkeyBlue · 13/10/2025 17:07

My feeling is that you are at the wrong stage in your life to be a single parent to an unplanned baby. Without significant compromises.

IAmThePrettiestManOnMyIsland · 13/10/2025 17:08

I wouldn't let Leo determine your decision on whether to keep the baby. Exes are exes for a reason.

Having a baby when you are not in a stable relationship isn't ideal. Proceeding with this pregnancy is you choosing to become a single mum, any single mum will tell you it is hard work.

You are so young. Having a baby will also massively limit your dating options going forward.

olderandnonthewiser · 13/10/2025 17:08

I think the sensible thing to do is have an abortion and move on from both of these men.

BasicBrumble · 13/10/2025 17:09

If Leo knew you'd had this friend with benefits and got pregnant, would he back off (even if he knew pregnancy wasn't staying) or stick around? I think you might be surprised and he might do a runner. Currently you are convenient.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 13/10/2025 17:09

Bobiverse · 13/10/2025 17:04

Well, I had an abortion 12 years ago and it remains one of the most correct decisions of my life. I have no regrets, and I actually sometimes forget. I was doing an anonymous women’s health questionnaire once and one of the questions was on abortion, I ticked no and had to go back and correct it. It just has no affect on my life or my thinking, and was absolutely the right decision.

Show quote history

You don't have to answer this but do you also have children ? I think if you do or if you knew that you never wanted them it is different. Insects matter is talking about childless women regreting abortions when young. Female fertility starts falling from now OP so if like me the worst outcome would be being childless in the future that may change your perspective.

Throwaway65131 · 13/10/2025 17:09

My advice is to be honest with both blokes.
If Adam is your friend assume he already knew about Leo? Tell him what Leo has said. You and Adam have agreed this is not a romantic relationship but purely a FWB - if he’s your friend you can be honest with him about your feelings and internal debate about Leo. Make it clear that he would not be pushed aside from his child’s life regardless what decision you make about Leo.

If Leo is serious about reconnecting then agree to meet up in person to discuss matters. If you’re not questioning going ahead with the pregnancy, merely whether or not to revisit things with Leo, then unless you have a reason why not to that I have missed, meeting up to chat, discuss what you both want, would be necessary with or without your pregnancy - but it also gives you opportunity to speak to him about that and be honest about Adam’s intention to have involvement in the baby’s life. How he reacts to that is likely to be a large part of your decision-making.

In essence, speak to them both!

Ooogle · 13/10/2025 17:09

BasicBrumble · 13/10/2025 17:09

If Leo knew you'd had this friend with benefits and got pregnant, would he back off (even if he knew pregnancy wasn't staying) or stick around? I think you might be surprised and he might do a runner. Currently you are convenient.

I agree- do you think Leo would be fine about getting back with you when he finds out you’re pregnant with another man’s child?

StewkeyBlue · 13/10/2025 17:10

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 17:07

I’ve known him a lot longer than that. We’ve been friends a long time. We both had a drunken fumble.

Show quote history

OP, a child should never ever be the punishment or ‘just desserts’ for a woman who has a contraception lapse.

You don’t have to justify yourself to the morality police.

IndigoBluey · 13/10/2025 17:12

Honestly your focus seems more on the guys, I think you’ve mentioned their names in the majority of your posts despite the first posters sound advice.

whichwaynext · 13/10/2025 17:13

It sounds like you’re trying to control all the outcomes of this situation in your mind’s vision of the future - keep the baby, Adam steps up, Leo chooses to become loving stepdad and a healthy baby is born without complications and you are able to continue your side job.

There are too many variables here out of your control - such as people, feelings and babies!

SadOldLadyOfTheLowlands · 13/10/2025 17:14

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 15:17

I think I could. I’ve always wanted children and I believe everything happens for a reason- but that’s why I’m torn. Because I also think Leo reaching out to me has happened for a reason.

Show quote history

I believe everything happens for a reason

Kindly - thats bollocks. If you dont WANT (and I mean really WANT) a baby, then do yourself a favour, and let it go.

mugglewump · 13/10/2025 17:14

You are only 26. You have so many years ahead of you to make a family. You also owe it to your future children to bring them up in the best environment you can make for them - and this isn't it. Have a quick and early abortion and get your life back on track. You are not mentally or emotionally ready for parenthood.

I should add that I have had an abortion like this (at 6 weeks, Marie Stopes clinic) and I have never once regreted it.