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Original poster

I’m in a right mess. What the fuck do I do?

694 replies

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 14:58

I am 26, I have a stable job and my own house so that doesn’t have a bearing on the situation I am in.

My ex and I (I’ll call him Leo for the sake of this post) broke up a year ago. It was entirely mutual, because we were both too busy to dedicate enough time to our relationship. We’d been together for two years and it honestly broke my heart. We were both just as upset and heartbroken as each other, but we knew it had to happen because we just weren’t good partners for each other. He has always felt like my “what could have been”, he was the right person at the wrong time.

About twelve weeks ago, I met up with a friend (I’ll call him Adam) for coffee. Adam mentioned quite off the cuff that he had always liked me and wanted to take me on a date. I agreed, because I really liked him too and decided it would be fun.

After a couple of dates it became clear that the limit of our relationship was lust, and wouldn’t become romantic.

We ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation and it was all good, until I realised that I’ve missed my period. I’ve done a test and it’s positive, and I think I’m about four weeks.

I’ve told Adam and he has said the ball is entirely in my court. If I want the baby, he will step up and we can coparent. If I don’t, he’ll support that.

I was leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo texted me and said he misses me, he wants to give things another go and he is serious about me. This has really thrown my head into a scramble.

i don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this and I guess I just need some sort of advice because I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
musicalfrog · 13/10/2025 16:27

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:17

As I’ve said - I’m financially stable and would be able to afford it.

Show quote history

You honestly have no idea unless you have been there.

You've not mentioned any other support network, do you have anyone?

arcticpandas · 13/10/2025 16:28

Honestly, wait until you are in a stable relationship with having a baby. If you had been 10 years older I understand if you had wanted to go at it yourself for fear of fertility declining but you are so young! And you do sound very immature. 7

musicalfrog · 13/10/2025 16:29

You say in your thread title you're in a right mess, but you seem to now have it all figured out, having taken nobody's advice on board?

Original poster
IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:29

musicalfrog · 13/10/2025 16:27

You honestly have no idea unless you have been there.

You've not mentioned any other support network, do you have anyone?

Show quote history

I’m very close with my family. I have a good job, stable side income and savings. My job has amazing maternity cover and are in the process of introducing on site subsidised childcare.

OP posts:
Original poster
IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:30

musicalfrog · 13/10/2025 16:29

You say in your thread title you're in a right mess, but you seem to now have it all figured out, having taken nobody's advice on board?

I don’t mean in terms of the baby (or I’d have posted in pregnancy), I mean in terms of the men

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/10/2025 16:31

Jellycatspyjamas · 13/10/2025 16:16

You’ll have much less time with a baby in the mix, if it didn’t work when you were both free of responsibility it won’t work any better with a baby and all that entails.

Show quote history

I wqs thinking that too. A year is a long time to be apart, long enough for you to start a thing with Adam.

I agree with the other pps, baby decision first.

Also.. there's no guarantee that things have really changed between you and Leo, or that the same factors will pull you apart again. Your situation has change and you have more time, but the baby will change that.
You don't see adam as a long term partner at all - but he has offered to step up and co-parent.

Sorry OP, difficult choices... but I think once you make the baby choice, the other choices will fall into place.

Toofficeornot · 13/10/2025 16:31

The reality is you are going to be a single parent. Your life as you know it will change. Coparenting is a nice idea, maybe it will work, maybe it will not, maybe the dad will step up, maybe he will be there for the good times, but will he be there for the bad.
Having a baby is lifelong. You can't put them back. They are your child forever.
If you want the baby go for it. Men come and go. Babies are permanent.

Sidebeforeself · 13/10/2025 16:31

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:16

I don’t think it would ruin my life. I’m very stable, my job has great maternity benefits and I have a good level of savings etc to fall back on should i need to.

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But it’s sooo much more than having great maternity leave and savings!

bugalugs45 · 13/10/2025 16:33

I’d willing to bet money that Leo would run a mile if you tell him you're pregnant to another man

OSTMusTisNT · 13/10/2025 16:33

If you keep the baby you'll be tied to Adam for life both as a Mum and a Granny.

If you have kids with your eventual lifelong partner, you'll always be a blended family for life. Only have all the kids together every other Xmas, 3 set of Grandparents, half and step siblings etc. Look around MN for the problems caused by blended families.

You are so young, I wouldn't go ahead with this pregnancy while you can still chose and wait until you are in a stable relationship. I would also suggest an STD test just incase Adam goes around all the girls having unprotected sex.

DramaLlamacchiato · 13/10/2025 16:33

I’d have an abortion.

Original poster
IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:34

Sidebeforeself · 13/10/2025 16:31

But it’s sooo much more than having great maternity leave and savings!

Show quote history

Yes and as I have said, I believe I can have a child?

OP posts:
3luckystars · 13/10/2025 16:36

Forget both men for a second!

Do you want this baby??

BadgernTheGarden · 13/10/2025 16:36

If you want to keep the baby, which it sounds like you do, you have to tell Leo and see if he's still interested, if he's not OK with it then bye bye Leo. If he is OK with it you have to tell Adam about Leo and if Adam wants to co-parent and doesn't want to let Leo be the dad you have a potentially tricky situation for the next 18 years.

If you don't keep the baby things are simpler, but it sounds like you will regret it, and it's all very well people saying you have plenty of time, but it just may not happen when you try again in the future, who knows?

Derbee · 13/10/2025 16:36

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 15:30

Not once did I say I’m considering an abortion.

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“I was leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo texted me and said he misses me“

Toofficeornot · 13/10/2025 16:36

Can you afford nursery fees, do you have family to support you, is your job flexible to take time off for sickness, you cant send them to nursery when they are ill. School runs, after school care. Weekends and evenings are not yours anymore.
Lots of people are single parents, but it is not easy. Parenting is lonely even with two parents. Are you ready for sleepless nights and your vagina and boobs to never be the same again!

Bigearringsbigsmile · 13/10/2025 16:40

You sound in no way ready to have a baby. I would 100% terminate. A child deserves to be a product of a loving relationship.

musicalfrog · 13/10/2025 16:41

If you're close with your family, talk to them about your dilemma rather than us who have no idea about you as a person and your suitability for single parenthood.

I personally think you are far too focused on the two male leads in your story to have the emotional maturity for this.

I wouldn't have felt ready until my 30s so no judgement here.

DelphiniumBlue · 13/10/2025 16:41

The baby and Adam are one issue, Leo is another. Saying that he was "right person, wrong time" and that splitting was mutual, it doesn't sound like that was actually the case. If neither of you was attached to someone else, I wonder why you couldn't make it work - plenty of people have long-distance relationships. You said you were heartbroken, so how was the split mutual? Was it actually him saying he couldn't commit to what you wanted?
If he had wanted to , he would have done. Now he wants to give it another go, and you seemingly want to, but have the issues been resolved? Why would it work now? What I'm saying is that actually, maybe he's not the guy for you.

If you want to try again, obviously that's up to you, but I wouldn't bank on it working out. If you terminate the pregnancy, of course you don't have to tell him about it, your medical history is your own and private. If you want to continue the pregnancy, then it will become apparent soon enough, and you'll probably want to say something before it shows.
But meanwhile, do you actually want to carry on with the pregnancy?
Maybe Adam might stick around to co-parent, and f he does, you'd need to consider how that will work in terms of finance and financial support. Is he someone you'd want in your life for the next 20 years or more? How reliable is he? Does he see this heading into a relationship? because again, I'm not sure what the issue is- you say you are friends and sometimes sleep together, so you like him and there is sexual attraction, so why have you ruled out a relationship with him?
My personal view is that you are too young for all this. You hadn't intended to get pregnant, you don't want to be with the father, and although you have a house and a job, is the house paid for? How will you cover childcare costs to enable you to continue working? Is yours the sort of job that you can do while relying on childcare which is normally only available weekdays 8-6 max? If it depends on you staying late, working weekends etc , then it might be very hard to continue with it once you have a baby.What support is there if Adam turns out not to be supportive ( or supportive enough)? Are you prepare for the difficulty in finding a new relationship, which is bound to be more complicated once you factor in a child?
I'm not saying it's impossible, but there's a lot to think about, and I get the impression that you are being a bit naive about all of it.

Redburnett · 13/10/2025 16:42

It sounds as though you want to continue the pregnancy but rekindle the relationship with Leo. Unless Leo is exceptionally stupid that isn't going to happen. What young man in his 20s is likely to want to go back to an ex girlfriend who is pregnant with another man's child?

Nandina · 13/10/2025 16:42

If you were 10 years older, I could see why you'd consider having the baby. But at your age you have plenty of time to meet someone, marry and have a baby in a committed relationship rather than struggling to manage on your own.

DramaLlamacchiato · 13/10/2025 16:42

I can’t even fathom why at the young age of 26 you’d consider keeping a baby conceived after a drunken shag with someone you’re not even in a committed relationship with. If you were pushing 40 and it could genuinely be your only chance of parenthood it’d be different but as amazing as being a mother is, it’s also a huge burden on your whole life for a long time. Your career and future relationship chances will all be affected. Yes you’d be fine but it’s not exactly the kind of situation people go into by choice

Sidebeforeself · 13/10/2025 16:43

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:34

Yes and as I have said, I believe I can have a child?

Show quote history

I know you have but I’m just checking you’ve thought of all angles. You did ask for options on your situation

Original poster
IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:44

DelphiniumBlue · 13/10/2025 16:41

The baby and Adam are one issue, Leo is another. Saying that he was "right person, wrong time" and that splitting was mutual, it doesn't sound like that was actually the case. If neither of you was attached to someone else, I wonder why you couldn't make it work - plenty of people have long-distance relationships. You said you were heartbroken, so how was the split mutual? Was it actually him saying he couldn't commit to what you wanted?
If he had wanted to , he would have done. Now he wants to give it another go, and you seemingly want to, but have the issues been resolved? Why would it work now? What I'm saying is that actually, maybe he's not the guy for you.

If you want to try again, obviously that's up to you, but I wouldn't bank on it working out. If you terminate the pregnancy, of course you don't have to tell him about it, your medical history is your own and private. If you want to continue the pregnancy, then it will become apparent soon enough, and you'll probably want to say something before it shows.
But meanwhile, do you actually want to carry on with the pregnancy?
Maybe Adam might stick around to co-parent, and f he does, you'd need to consider how that will work in terms of finance and financial support. Is he someone you'd want in your life for the next 20 years or more? How reliable is he? Does he see this heading into a relationship? because again, I'm not sure what the issue is- you say you are friends and sometimes sleep together, so you like him and there is sexual attraction, so why have you ruled out a relationship with him?
My personal view is that you are too young for all this. You hadn't intended to get pregnant, you don't want to be with the father, and although you have a house and a job, is the house paid for? How will you cover childcare costs to enable you to continue working? Is yours the sort of job that you can do while relying on childcare which is normally only available weekdays 8-6 max? If it depends on you staying late, working weekends etc , then it might be very hard to continue with it once you have a baby.What support is there if Adam turns out not to be supportive ( or supportive enough)? Are you prepare for the difficulty in finding a new relationship, which is bound to be more complicated once you factor in a child?
I'm not saying it's impossible, but there's a lot to think about, and I get the impression that you are being a bit naive about all of it.

With Leo, we were both at really crucial points in our career and recon used we weren’t able to give enough to each other and ourselves, so decided to end things. It was mutual but I was heartbroken because I love him.

in terms of Adam we’ve tried dating, there’s a sexual attraction there but not romantic feelings.

I would love to have children but if it really came down to it, at the moment I think I’d probably choose rekindling with Leo over having a family with Adam. But I’m sure that will get me a lot of abuse

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 13/10/2025 16:46

No, there’s nothing you’ve said OP to convince me it’s a good idea to have this baby. I know I don’t need convincing but…..
I’ve been on here long enough to read about the utter shitshow it can be raising a child as a single parent, co parenting, blending families etc.

How would you feel if Adam fucked off after a year or two, once he met someone and wanted kids with her? . How would you feel if when your DS is 10 year old he decides to go and live with his dad and you have to pay maintenance?

It’s hard enough doing it in a relationship. Your comments about enhanced maternity and a nursery at work making it all
sound so easy are unrealistic.