Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m in a right mess. What the fuck do I do?

694 replies

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 14:58

I am 26, I have a stable job and my own house so that doesn’t have a bearing on the situation I am in.

My ex and I (I’ll call him Leo for the sake of this post) broke up a year ago. It was entirely mutual, because we were both too busy to dedicate enough time to our relationship. We’d been together for two years and it honestly broke my heart. We were both just as upset and heartbroken as each other, but we knew it had to happen because we just weren’t good partners for each other. He has always felt like my “what could have been”, he was the right person at the wrong time.

About twelve weeks ago, I met up with a friend (I’ll call him Adam) for coffee. Adam mentioned quite off the cuff that he had always liked me and wanted to take me on a date. I agreed, because I really liked him too and decided it would be fun.

After a couple of dates it became clear that the limit of our relationship was lust, and wouldn’t become romantic.

We ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation and it was all good, until I realised that I’ve missed my period. I’ve done a test and it’s positive, and I think I’m about four weeks.

I’ve told Adam and he has said the ball is entirely in my court. If I want the baby, he will step up and we can coparent. If I don’t, he’ll support that.

I was leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo texted me and said he misses me, he wants to give things another go and he is serious about me. This has really thrown my head into a scramble.

i don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this and I guess I just need some sort of advice because I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
MNLurker1345 · 13/10/2025 16:46

I was in a similar situation at your age. I had the baby. I did try one relationship after DD was born, but it didn’t work and I stayed on my own as a single parent until my DD was older. I worked and was independent. Me and DD were a successful single parent family. There are more successful, single parent families than society would like to admit.

Where was the dad in all of this? I don’t know,
off wasting some other woman’s time I suppose!

I met my DH when my DD was older as I said and she gave me “permission” to date and she now has a wonderful SDad.

Make your decision as to whether to be a mum or not, your priority, not the men. Really!

nooschmoo · 13/10/2025 16:46

I think the first post pretty much sums it up-make your decision about your pregnancy-if you decide to go ahead-which it sounds like you have ☺️-then Adam needs to be involved as the father, and that’s a separate thing to a relationship with Leo. But you need a frank discussion with Leo about what’s happening & where you’re at right now. His reaction to this might help you make a decision about a relationship with him. Good luck!

Toofficeornot · 13/10/2025 16:47

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:44

With Leo, we were both at really crucial points in our career and recon used we weren’t able to give enough to each other and ourselves, so decided to end things. It was mutual but I was heartbroken because I love him.

in terms of Adam we’ve tried dating, there’s a sexual attraction there but not romantic feelings.

I would love to have children but if it really came down to it, at the moment I think I’d probably choose rekindling with Leo over having a family with Adam. But I’m sure that will get me a lot of abuse

Show quote history

You have your answer. Book the appointment and move on.
You will regret it if you have the baby and it is not fair to bring a baby into the world that is not 100 percent wanted.
It is not fair to you either.
Your career will tank too if you attempt single parenthood without a huge support network.

Motnight · 13/10/2025 16:47

You're being honest at last, Op.

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/10/2025 16:47

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:44

With Leo, we were both at really crucial points in our career and recon used we weren’t able to give enough to each other and ourselves, so decided to end things. It was mutual but I was heartbroken because I love him.

in terms of Adam we’ve tried dating, there’s a sexual attraction there but not romantic feelings.

I would love to have children but if it really came down to it, at the moment I think I’d probably choose rekindling with Leo over having a family with Adam. But I’m sure that will get me a lot of abuse

Show quote history

decision made then?

Epidote · 13/10/2025 16:48

I would keep the baby and forget about both. But I'm not you OP.

Tiswa · 13/10/2025 16:48

Why would that get you abuse @IAmInAPickle mumsnet generally tends to be pro choice and that is your choice

whst I would say is you cannot put this decision on your relationship with Leo it is too much. he cannot and shouldn’t be the reason or the impetus to make any form of decision about whether you have this baby it is too much.

you need to decide what YOU want, what you want from your future separate to either man

TonTonMacoute · 13/10/2025 16:49

Have you ever met a new mum OP? The thought of rekindling your relationship with Leo when it's a struggle even to get dressed before 3pm is frankly laughable.

Agree with PPs, you don't seem to have the first clue what's involved here and you need a serious reality check on the facts of raising a baby alone, before you even begin to think about getting back with your ex.

LadyGreyTeaforMe · 13/10/2025 16:49

What you have to take on board is that 'Adam' may walk away when reality hits home, or he may be in your life forever (not in a good way) and a reminder of the 'mistake' you made.

If you keep the baby, it will be a lifelong commitment and may deter other men from relationships with you in the future. I know men who would not take on a single woman with a child which was an 'accident' but of course many do.

Being a single mum is not easy. you say work is good but it's not just about work. It's a massive responsibility and frankly, 2 parents are better than one in terms of sharing the load.

For me, who had my first child in my mid 30s, I'd never have kept a baby in your circumstances. I feel they should have 2 parents and be very much wanted.

Maybe seek some counselling if you can't decide?

Grammarnut · 13/10/2025 16:49

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 15:30

Not once did I say I’m considering an abortion.

Show quote history

You are because otherwise you would not be here.

3luckystars · 13/10/2025 16:50

Take your time.

Write out 4 columns on a page, pros and cons of keeping the baby, and pros and cons of not keeping the baby.

Neither relationship is likely to work out.
Sorry to say that but that’s the odds.

So you actually want this exact baby, now that it’s here? forget the men and think of that question . Good luck.

Original poster
IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:50

Adam is a genuinely good guy. I know a lot of women have been stung on here by men but I do think he would be true to his word and help out. He’s got good family values.

with Leo, I don’t know. It would have to be something I discussed with him really, whether he’d be willing to be in that scenario or not.

OP posts:
MsTamborineMan · 13/10/2025 16:50

Being a single parent is not a financially stable position, and it's not ideal for the child or the parents. Obviously it can be the best thing for the child if it happens after birth, but I wouldnt plan having a child knowing I was going to be a single parent from the outset

Firstly what if the child has disabilities/SEN that make FTW impossible. I also think that mentally it's quite hard to hold down a full time job, run a house and be solely responsible for a child. Your career will be put on hold, your social life, your dating life. Even if your parents are supportive they aren't a second parent, and they can't be expected fo provide lots of care or relied upon forever.

At 26 your still young, youve got opportunities and life to live. Only a year ago your life was too busy for a boyfriend ffs!

YourPeppyAmberTraybake · 13/10/2025 16:50

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:44

With Leo, we were both at really crucial points in our career and recon used we weren’t able to give enough to each other and ourselves, so decided to end things. It was mutual but I was heartbroken because I love him.

in terms of Adam we’ve tried dating, there’s a sexual attraction there but not romantic feelings.

I would love to have children but if it really came down to it, at the moment I think I’d probably choose rekindling with Leo over having a family with Adam. But I’m sure that will get me a lot of abuse

Show quote history

It’s good you have been honest with yourself.

Thehop · 13/10/2025 16:51

No abuse at all. If you want to try again with Adam then strike early before you're any further along.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 13/10/2025 16:51

Flakey99 · 13/10/2025 16:13

At your age, I made sure that my pregnancy mishaps didn’t ruin my life, but you need to make a decision one way or the other and I wouldn’t factor either of the men in that decision.

Ok feel I need to balance this. My unintened pregnancy age 27 is now nearly 22 I wasn't sure about the relationship either. Now I wouldn't change a thing. 26/27 is a great age to have a baby physically and pyscholgically.

101Alsatians · 13/10/2025 16:51

A year is a really long time not to have rekindled before. People can change a lot over that amount of time,neither of you will be the same people amd have clearly had new,different romantic experiences.

I'd be considering you had a FWB drunken shag,it's not impossible to imagine that Leo,following a break up or some nostalgic moment might have drunk text you,his ex.

LadyGreyTeaforMe · 13/10/2025 16:53

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:50

Adam is a genuinely good guy. I know a lot of women have been stung on here by men but I do think he would be true to his word and help out. He’s got good family values.

with Leo, I don’t know. It would have to be something I discussed with him really, whether he’d be willing to be in that scenario or not.

If he's that good a guy why did he 'help you' become pregnant?

If you both didn't want this baby you should have considered doubling up with condoms and the Pill. You should certainly have been using condoms as he was FWB.

If he's also 26, are you imagining he will still feel as positive about this for the rest of his life? Because that's what being a parent is about.
And he will also have to tell any future 'Miss Right' about his child and they may not be overjoyed.

zazazaaar · 13/10/2025 16:53

InsectsMatter · 13/10/2025 15:41

I’m in my 60’s and my friends who have had abortions say they regret it. (I’ve not been pregnant or had an abortion).
Fir some it was their one chance of being pregnant.
Think how you might feel in 30 years.

I have friends who had children as single parents, and hated every minute of it. Its beyond the imagination how stressful and difficult it can be. Nowadays its so expensive to be alone and manage a baby.

Lots of my friends who have had abortions have felt a sad about it.But I genuinely know noone who has regretted it.

LadyGreyTeaforMe · 13/10/2025 16:55

We ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation and it was all good, until I realised that I’ve missed my period. I’ve done a test and it’s positive, and I think I’m about four weeks.

Were you and this man using contraception?
You've not mentioned any so it sounds like you weren't.

In which case he is not a nice man with good values at all.

Trallers · 13/10/2025 16:57

Of course having a relationship with a man you loved sounds more appealing than having a baby with a man you don't. There's no abuse needed for feeling that.

Personally I would go ahead with the pregnancy. In the meantime i would tell Leo that you've very happy to hear from him but circumstances are complicated and could you catch up in person in a few weeks time? That gives you time to get your head around the pregnancy separate from what either of these men expect or want. As for Adam I would basically forget about him in terms of your decision making - let him have all relevant info and then the ball.is in his court as to his involvement.

Original poster
IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:57

LadyGreyTeaforMe · 13/10/2025 16:55

We ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation and it was all good, until I realised that I’ve missed my period. I’ve done a test and it’s positive, and I think I’m about four weeks.

Were you and this man using contraception?
You've not mentioned any so it sounds like you weren't.

In which case he is not a nice man with good values at all.

Edited

We both made a mutual mistake once, usually we used protection.

OP posts:
lnks · 13/10/2025 16:57

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:44

With Leo, we were both at really crucial points in our career and recon used we weren’t able to give enough to each other and ourselves, so decided to end things. It was mutual but I was heartbroken because I love him.

in terms of Adam we’ve tried dating, there’s a sexual attraction there but not romantic feelings.

I would love to have children but if it really came down to it, at the moment I think I’d probably choose rekindling with Leo over having a family with Adam. But I’m sure that will get me a lot of abuse

Show quote history

That tells you everything you need to know. Book an appointment to discuss an abortion.

Don’t listen to anyone telling you that everyone they know who has had an abortion goes on to regret it. That’s not at all relevant to you. I have had two and never once regretted it.

Original poster
IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:58

LadyGreyTeaforMe · 13/10/2025 16:53

If he's that good a guy why did he 'help you' become pregnant?

If you both didn't want this baby you should have considered doubling up with condoms and the Pill. You should certainly have been using condoms as he was FWB.

If he's also 26, are you imagining he will still feel as positive about this for the rest of his life? Because that's what being a parent is about.
And he will also have to tell any future 'Miss Right' about his child and they may not be overjoyed.

Show quote history

We both made a mutual mistake. I came off the pill due to it causing serious problems for me, we used condoms and forgot one once. That doesn’t make either of us bad people.

OP posts:
P0PTARTS · 13/10/2025 16:58

End the pregnancy, get back with Leo, if it works out have a baby with him and stay together. If it doesn’t then move on and find a man to stay with and have a baby.
That is what I think you should do