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Original poster

I’m in a right mess. What the fuck do I do?

694 replies

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 14:58

I am 26, I have a stable job and my own house so that doesn’t have a bearing on the situation I am in.

My ex and I (I’ll call him Leo for the sake of this post) broke up a year ago. It was entirely mutual, because we were both too busy to dedicate enough time to our relationship. We’d been together for two years and it honestly broke my heart. We were both just as upset and heartbroken as each other, but we knew it had to happen because we just weren’t good partners for each other. He has always felt like my “what could have been”, he was the right person at the wrong time.

About twelve weeks ago, I met up with a friend (I’ll call him Adam) for coffee. Adam mentioned quite off the cuff that he had always liked me and wanted to take me on a date. I agreed, because I really liked him too and decided it would be fun.

After a couple of dates it became clear that the limit of our relationship was lust, and wouldn’t become romantic.

We ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation and it was all good, until I realised that I’ve missed my period. I’ve done a test and it’s positive, and I think I’m about four weeks.

I’ve told Adam and he has said the ball is entirely in my court. If I want the baby, he will step up and we can coparent. If I don’t, he’ll support that.

I was leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo texted me and said he misses me, he wants to give things another go and he is serious about me. This has really thrown my head into a scramble.

i don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this and I guess I just need some sort of advice because I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 13/10/2025 17:15

Forget about both guys.

Decide on baby/no baby/adoption based on what you and you alone want.

Then tell both guys the situation.

It may be Leo can't get past the idea of you aborting or adopting a baby in order to set up home with him.
It may be that he can't hack the idea of getting back together with you whilst you co-parent with Adam.
It may be that Adam has no interest in co-parenting if you're shacked up with someone else.

Or everything may work out fine, just the way you want it - however I think if you try to hide any of this situation from the one you want to be with, it will come out later and bite you on the arse.

Drachuughtty · 13/10/2025 17:15

Being a dad is more than "helping out". Is Adam going to be there at 3am when you and the baby both have a vomiting bug? Or when nursery call you to say your 2 year old has chicken pox and she can't come back in til it's scabbed over (but obviously you still have to pay your nursery fees). Or when you have been invited to another school event for your six year old at 2pm on a Wednesday and have to miss yet more work? Or during the 13 weeks of school holidays (plus inset days) each and every year? Including in the future when he has a wife and family? I don't mean to be harsh OP but I think you seriously have to consider these things before deciding if you want to keep the baby.

Original poster
IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 17:16

I think, both guys out of the picture I’d choose to have the baby - because I do want kids.

But the guys aren’t out of the picture.

OP posts:
Onmytod24 · 13/10/2025 17:16

A year ago you broke up with someone because you weren’t ready to have children now all of a sudden you think you are able to have a child as a single parent. can you see how ridiculous that sounds? You’ve got a perfectly straightforward option go and talk to one of the counsellors at a clinic.

MixedFeelingsNoFeelings · 13/10/2025 17:16

Oh bless you OP, so focused on your work's great maternity benefits, your apparent financial stability and the prospect of subsidised childcare!

Not that these things are negligible, not at all. They're great advantages to anyone wanting to start a family. But they bear the same relation to parenthood as a wedding does to marriage.

Don't put too much store by [what you think will be enough] money, and the [apparent] promise of childcare [if you stay in the job forever]. They make some things easier, but life and parenthood are unpredictable, single parenthood even more so.

Go into it not because an old flame has flickered back to life and the planets seem to be aligning....but because you have - or are willing to develop - the mental strength, adaptability, and capacity for love and resilience to bring up a person in an uncertain world.

FlorenceAndTheVagine · 13/10/2025 17:17

I am so confused. What are you saying your options are? Raise the baby yourself or have it adopted? Either way your relationship with both is fucked. Leo might work (if it’s ever going to work more generally) if you abort. But that’s not an option?

notomato · 13/10/2025 17:18

If you feel you need to choose between two men, then don't choose either. It sounds like you want the baby. Start from that and see how everything else goes. You and your baby are more important than relationships that may or may not last.

Tiswa · 13/10/2025 17:19

Please get the pre abortion counselling because the men should not be part of this decision particularly your relationship with Leo

bexsuse you can’t put this on him at all that isn’t fair

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 13/10/2025 17:19

It is coming across that you have chosen to have the baby but are trying to decide which man to be with...
I'm not sure it's going to work like that.

BauhausOfEliott · 13/10/2025 17:19

I'm not really sure what you want from this thread, because the options for you are very obvious and asking people there about your situation isn't going to conjure up any new and better ones.

There are three things to choose from:

  1. Have an abortion and tell Leo you're interested.
  2. Keep the baby and tell Leo you're not interested.
  3. Keep the baby and tell Leo you're interested - but only provided he'd be happy to play stepdad to another man's child.

Nobody else can make these decisions for you.

Personally, in your shoes I'd have an abortion and crack on with my life, rather than having a baby by a random FWB (especially when until recently you apparently didn't even time for the boyfriend you supposedly loved, let alone a baby). But it's not really relevant what I (or anyone else) would do because we're not you and your decision needs to be yours alone.

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 13/10/2025 17:20

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:44

With Leo, we were both at really crucial points in our career and recon used we weren’t able to give enough to each other and ourselves, so decided to end things. It was mutual but I was heartbroken because I love him.

in terms of Adam we’ve tried dating, there’s a sexual attraction there but not romantic feelings.

I would love to have children but if it really came down to it, at the moment I think I’d probably choose rekindling with Leo over having a family with Adam. But I’m sure that will get me a lot of abuse

Show quote history

It wouldn’t really be having a family with him, it would be co-parenting on the assumption it wouldn’t all come crashing down like it happens all too often with irresponsible men.

Frankly at your age I’d just have an abortion and keep it moving (especially because something so minor as a text message is enough to have you reconsidering) but you seem hellbent on carrying the pregnancy so the next stop for me would be: imagine all scenarios, including the unpleasant, really difficult and almost unimaginable ones, and then really ask yourself you still want to risk being a single parent.

Dogaredabomb · 13/10/2025 17:21

Loveduppenguin · 13/10/2025 15:45

Adam will not step up and co parent…I can practically guarantee it. What you need to decide is whether you want to be a single parent. That’s it…very simply.

So mat pay is good, brilliant
what about childcare costs? Can you afford it all by yourself?

Yes, don't factor in 18 years of co parenting.

Pezdeoro41 · 13/10/2025 17:21

HelpMeGetThrough · 13/10/2025 16:15

Conveniently missing out the important bit there.

Show quote history

That's unfair I think. Many children have been conceived this way, including to married couples. It happens, and has no bearing on subsequent parenting.

Aluna · 13/10/2025 17:22

“Everything happens for a reason” sounds like an attempt to invoke some mystic higher plan whereas in fact the reason is that you didn’t use protection.

The reality is you’re knocked up with one guy and still in love with another. Adam won’t hang around so you’ll be a SM and Leo won’t want you back once he knows you’ve slept with Adam and won’t want to raise someone else’s child.

It’s worth having a kid alone if you’re early 40s and this is your last chance. I don’t see the point of doing it now when you still have the chance of creating a full family from scratch. It’s a lot harder to date as a SP and you may end up with a SF in the same boat and then having to blend families which may or may not work.

It all comes down to how you feel about abortion.

Catcatcat111 · 13/10/2025 17:22

I’m not sure you really have a choice between two men, at least I wouldn’t choose one I had no romantic feelings for. I would choose being a single parent or having an abortion. And then I’d decide whether to give another relationship with Leo a go. Personally I wouldn’t choose new relationship and the baby.

RavenPie · 13/10/2025 17:22

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:30

I don’t mean in terms of the baby (or I’d have posted in pregnancy), I mean in terms of the men

Show quote history

Forget the men. You split up with Leo - it’s not going to be better now you are having another man’s baby. Pregnancy and parenting is tough on couples who are already together in committed relationships and having planned babies that they are both parents of. A new relationship that’s already failed once with a second man’s baby and presence is ridiculous.
Adam is just a shag - you aren’t a couple. Maybe he will work out as a Co-parent but there isn’t a romantic relationship there. He will likely hook up with someone else in this baby’s early life and you will be sending your baby off to them. He may or may not support you finically. He may or may not meet the physical and emotional needs of your child. He could be one of those blokes whose contact time is a whirlwind of junk food, unsuitable tv and sweets while you get reading practice and dentist appointments.

If I wanted the baby (I probably would) then I would decline Leo’s kind invitation of a hook up and keep Adam at arms length as a parent and be very, very clear about my coparenting expectations. I wouldn’t abort a baby I wanted because an ex sent me a text message.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 13/10/2025 17:24

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 15:53

God I’ll get destroyed for this but it was a drunken night where we both forgot to use a condom

Show quote history

If only we could look into the future...

Will Adam truly co parent for the next 18 years.

You say you both wanted DC but does Leo want to be in a relationship with a woman that is carring another man's child.

Would a child even want to be born into a world where their future is potentially going to be a battle ground between parents...and their at the time prospective partners

While relationships, whether single or married with children can and do end no one ever really thinks about what's best for the children in these circumstances, before they're born, only their own wants.

Charlenedickens · 13/10/2025 17:24

Chose Leo. If you’d abort a child to get back with him then you’re not ready to be a parent. And if you couldn’t make it work due to dual careers you’ve no chance with a baby in the mix. And no way is Leo going to raise this kid, you are not even together.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 13/10/2025 17:28

How do you envisage the relationship with Leo panning out? Dating and living separately? Him living with you and the baby? Would you hope that he (step-)parented the baby? How will he cope with Adam being an active co-parent? How would Adam cope with Leo being a resident step-parent to his child? Who would you want at your antenatal classes and at the birth?

The first weeks and months will be really full on as a single parent. Day and night, because the baby won’t be able to overnight with Adam for some time.

You’re 26, and you know now you can get pregnant. This isn’t last chance saloon. It is potentially extremely messy.

cestlavielife · 13/10/2025 17:30

Have an abortion
Get back with Leo
Have baby with Leo

Stay pregnant
Have fun with Leo
Leo disappears because he does not want to hang around with someone else newborn baby

Stay pregnant
Have baby
Co parent with Adam
See if Leo wants to stick around or not . Or get with adam . Or someone else .

PaisleyGilmourStreet · 13/10/2025 17:30

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 17:16

I think, both guys out of the picture I’d choose to have the baby - because I do want kids.

But the guys aren’t out of the picture.

My friend was born as a result of a workplace fling - her parents were both single at the time. Her Dad was always in her life, he got married though and had a family with his wife. Her Mum never got married. It affected her in many ways, she often felt like the poor relation at weddings and such like (her half siblings always had both parents at family events, whereas her Mum wasn't part of it). I haven't ever said anything to her, but in my view her Dad has treated her differently, as an after thought (he's been oblivious to important birthdays and such like).

Cautionary tale I guess. Both men are currently in the picture, things change though - important to consider the future.

Aluna · 13/10/2025 17:30

RavenPie · 13/10/2025 17:22

Forget the men. You split up with Leo - it’s not going to be better now you are having another man’s baby. Pregnancy and parenting is tough on couples who are already together in committed relationships and having planned babies that they are both parents of. A new relationship that’s already failed once with a second man’s baby and presence is ridiculous.
Adam is just a shag - you aren’t a couple. Maybe he will work out as a Co-parent but there isn’t a romantic relationship there. He will likely hook up with someone else in this baby’s early life and you will be sending your baby off to them. He may or may not support you finically. He may or may not meet the physical and emotional needs of your child. He could be one of those blokes whose contact time is a whirlwind of junk food, unsuitable tv and sweets while you get reading practice and dentist appointments.

If I wanted the baby (I probably would) then I would decline Leo’s kind invitation of a hook up and keep Adam at arms length as a parent and be very, very clear about my coparenting expectations. I wouldn’t abort a baby I wanted because an ex sent me a text message.

Show quote history

I agree with a lot of this - but with Adam it could go either way - most likely he fucks off in which case you have a kid with an uninvolved father and the grief that brings; but you can’t rule out him wanting involvement in which case you’re left to the vagaries of his parenting and a revolving door of women in a step mum role.

CrostaDiPizza · 13/10/2025 17:30

I believe everything happens for a reason
Probably contraception failure and somebody wanting a bunk up.

CopperWhite · 13/10/2025 17:30

If your relationship with Leo is meant to be, it will be with or without the baby.

Dogaredabomb · 13/10/2025 17:31

You need to think about how much you like Adam as a person too, your baby will potentially be around his wider family and probable future spouse and future children.

I'm divorced and a single parent but wouldn't continue a pregnancy with someone unless I either knew and liked them as a person very very much or knew they would be entirely absent (by me not having told them). There's a lot of potential pitfalls here.

You're young enough for a do-over.

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