Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m in a right mess. What the fuck do I do?

694 replies

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 14:58

I am 26, I have a stable job and my own house so that doesn’t have a bearing on the situation I am in.

My ex and I (I’ll call him Leo for the sake of this post) broke up a year ago. It was entirely mutual, because we were both too busy to dedicate enough time to our relationship. We’d been together for two years and it honestly broke my heart. We were both just as upset and heartbroken as each other, but we knew it had to happen because we just weren’t good partners for each other. He has always felt like my “what could have been”, he was the right person at the wrong time.

About twelve weeks ago, I met up with a friend (I’ll call him Adam) for coffee. Adam mentioned quite off the cuff that he had always liked me and wanted to take me on a date. I agreed, because I really liked him too and decided it would be fun.

After a couple of dates it became clear that the limit of our relationship was lust, and wouldn’t become romantic.

We ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation and it was all good, until I realised that I’ve missed my period. I’ve done a test and it’s positive, and I think I’m about four weeks.

I’ve told Adam and he has said the ball is entirely in my court. If I want the baby, he will step up and we can coparent. If I don’t, he’ll support that.

I was leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo texted me and said he misses me, he wants to give things another go and he is serious about me. This has really thrown my head into a scramble.

i don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this and I guess I just need some sort of advice because I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
PevenseygirlQQ · 13/10/2025 16:00

I agree with a pp, if 1 text has made you question the pregnancy do you really want this?
It’s really really hard being a single mum. You need to factor finances, childcare, your life will dramatically change, have you got a good support network around you, is Adam someone you’d have chosen to have a baby with? Can Adam afford a baby, will he be someone who you’d be happy to make joint decisions with about your child for 18 years?

I think Leo should really be the bottom of your list at the minute.

I’m not trying to put you off having a baby you just really need to think about it, I was a single mum and I had my first child at 19 it was tough, however I did manage and now I am fine and if you keep the baby so will you be x

Meandmyguy · 13/10/2025 16:05

Hmm, I'd be thinking Adam told Leo and the rest doesn't bare thinking about.

Likely the wrong use of bare there.

Why on earth were you not using protection with fwb.

Original poster
IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:05

Lennonjingles · 13/10/2025 15:58

If you are going ahead with pregnancy, you should proceed thinking you will be going it alone. Did you ever discuss having children with ex.

With Leo? Yes - and it’s one of the reasons we broke up. We both wanted children and it would’ve been the natural next step, but neither of us felt we were in the right place. In the last year quite a lot has changed so I feel personally ready, obviously it’s something I would need to raise with him.

OP posts:
EverybodyLTB · 13/10/2025 16:09

IndoorVoice · 13/10/2025 15:55

I agree with all of this apart from you might also be stuck with the father one way or another for 20 years and who knows how that will go.

Show quote history

Yes you’re right, I should have added that as - as you say - could be stuck with someone awful for 18, 20, forever years. In some ways could be worse than them disappearing!

HelpMeGetThrough · 13/10/2025 16:09

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 15:53

God I’ll get destroyed for this but it was a drunken night where we both forgot to use a condom

Show quote history

Don’t have a child. You are not in any way mature enough.

ShesNeverSeenAShadeOfGray · 13/10/2025 16:12

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 15:17

I think I could. I’ve always wanted children and I believe everything happens for a reason- but that’s why I’m torn. Because I also think Leo reaching out to me has happened for a reason.

Show quote history

Leo is the guy you broke up with because you 'weren't good partners for each other'.

I suspect nothing has actually changed in that regard; you're both looking backwards with rose tinted glasses forgetting all the very valid reasons you broke up.

Focus on the baby if you're determined to keep it.

DBD1975 · 13/10/2025 16:12

HelpMeGetThrough · 13/10/2025 16:09

Don’t have a child. You are not in any way mature enough.

Show quote history

This totally.

Original poster
IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:12

HelpMeGetThrough · 13/10/2025 16:09

Don’t have a child. You are not in any way mature enough.

Show quote history

Because I had sex while drunk?

OP posts:
Original poster
IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:13

ShesNeverSeenAShadeOfGray · 13/10/2025 16:12

Leo is the guy you broke up with because you 'weren't good partners for each other'.

I suspect nothing has actually changed in that regard; you're both looking backwards with rose tinted glasses forgetting all the very valid reasons you broke up.

Focus on the baby if you're determined to keep it.

Show quote history

A lot has changed for me, that’s for sure. It was mainly time based. We didn’t have a lot of time around work. My situation has changed a lot and I’m now on reduced hours at my job because of a side job taking off for me.

OP posts:
Flakey99 · 13/10/2025 16:13

At your age, I made sure that my pregnancy mishaps didn’t ruin my life, but you need to make a decision one way or the other and I wouldn’t factor either of the men in that decision.

Happyjoe · 13/10/2025 16:14

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:05

With Leo? Yes - and it’s one of the reasons we broke up. We both wanted children and it would’ve been the natural next step, but neither of us felt we were in the right place. In the last year quite a lot has changed so I feel personally ready, obviously it’s something I would need to raise with him.

Show quote history

Leo may actually take that as a kick in the teeth if it was so important. He wanted kids but neither of you ready, and now you're pregnant after a fling.

It's very messy. IMHO, you just shouldn't make any decisions because of what men may say. It has to be 100% down to you and the (maybe) baby. Get those things confidently sorted and see what happens down the road perhaps.

tripleginandtonic · 13/10/2025 16:15

It's an accident. I don't think you should have this baby OP, you have time to have a planned pregnancy, hopefully with someone you love.

UrbanFan · 13/10/2025 16:15

Focus on the baby. The men are immaterial to your situation.

HelpMeGetThrough · 13/10/2025 16:15

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:12

Because I had sex while drunk?

Show quote history

Conveniently missing out the important bit there.

Jellycatspyjamas · 13/10/2025 16:16

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:13

A lot has changed for me, that’s for sure. It was mainly time based. We didn’t have a lot of time around work. My situation has changed a lot and I’m now on reduced hours at my job because of a side job taking off for me.

Show quote history

You’ll have much less time with a baby in the mix, if it didn’t work when you were both free of responsibility it won’t work any better with a baby and all that entails.

Original poster
IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:16

Flakey99 · 13/10/2025 16:13

At your age, I made sure that my pregnancy mishaps didn’t ruin my life, but you need to make a decision one way or the other and I wouldn’t factor either of the men in that decision.

I don’t think it would ruin my life. I’m very stable, my job has great maternity benefits and I have a good level of savings etc to fall back on should i need to.

OP posts:
Hopewewill · 13/10/2025 16:16

In this situation i'd be incredibly worried about how i could afford it. Nursery fees are more than my salary for a start. There is no guarantee the df will help. They might initially then decide not to help. And it is you left at home with no money, unable to work and socialise. Being poor is depressing, i've been there. You really do have to think about what kind of life you can offer this dc rather than what they can do for you.

Original poster
IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:17

Hopewewill · 13/10/2025 16:16

In this situation i'd be incredibly worried about how i could afford it. Nursery fees are more than my salary for a start. There is no guarantee the df will help. They might initially then decide not to help. And it is you left at home with no money, unable to work and socialise. Being poor is depressing, i've been there. You really do have to think about what kind of life you can offer this dc rather than what they can do for you.

As I’ve said - I’m financially stable and would be able to afford it.

OP posts:
MadinMarch · 13/10/2025 16:19

InsectsMatter · 13/10/2025 15:41

I’m in my 60’s and my friends who have had abortions say they regret it. (I’ve not been pregnant or had an abortion).
Fir some it was their one chance of being pregnant.
Think how you might feel in 30 years.

I'm in my 60's too and know many women who had abortions in their younger years and say they have never regretted it.

Apocketfilledwithposies · 13/10/2025 16:22

Go read the single parenting topic. Points to consider....

Would you be happy having this child and :

  • having to miss half of their childhood while they are at Dad's house?
  • or on the other end of the scale if he turns out to be a deadbeat dad the child never spending time with them, or the dad dipping in and out of the child's life.
  • that closing the door completely on the first guy?
  • putting that child above potentially meeting anyone else?
  • sacrificing for the next 18 years. Or longer if child has special needs. I have a 21 year old I can't leave home alone all day.
  • having to ask permission from a previous friends with benefits guy every time you want to leave the country with your child?

Getting pregnant doesn't happen for some fate related reason. It happens the same way every time. Sperm meets egg.

I know this reads bluntly but please don't be misty eyed about it. Be very very practical and factual

Oh and something else I also advise anyone pre-kids to do is google the following words. In my opinion they should be taught in schools as part of sex ed:
hyperemesis gravidarum
rectocele
cystocele
c-section overhang
prolapse
dental enamel pregancy related damage
costs of raising a child
post natal depression
the mental load.

Spookyspaghetti · 13/10/2025 16:23

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:13

A lot has changed for me, that’s for sure. It was mainly time based. We didn’t have a lot of time around work. My situation has changed a lot and I’m now on reduced hours at my job because of a side job taking off for me.

Show quote history

It will be really hard to keep momentum with a side job for the first two years.

Fwiw I don’t think most people truly grow up until they have children. You are no longer the centre of your own life for one.

The relationship with a partner will also take a back seat for months to years. We seen time and time again on MN that some men feel jealous that they are no longer the sole focus and don’t get babied themselves anymore. That being the case, it’s going to be difficult to turn the situation with your ex into a committed relationship before the baby arrives and things get tough.

You may be looking at this through rose tinted specs. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep the pregnancy in just mean that, like others have said, you need to really manage your dating expectations.

Pumpkinallspice · 13/10/2025 16:23

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 15:28

im quite confident I could do it. My job has brilliant maternity leave (it’s one of the reasons I applied there) and I’ve always loved kids/been good with them. I do appreciate that it’s different with a baby of your own, but the fact I’ve always wanted it makes it easier to imagine.

Show quote history

Can you afford to single handedly financially support a child and not get th involved in messy relationships?

mindutopia · 13/10/2025 16:24

You either want a baby or you don’t want a baby. The chances of this relationship with Leo working out are pretty much nothing. If it was a healthy relationship that was meant to last, it would have. It didn’t.

Even if he came back for a bit and everything was sunshine and rainbows for a few weeks, the chances of it staying that way are slim (or else they would be already). They are pretty much nothing when you factor in the pregnancy, because he will eventually find out and will not take the news well that you got pregnant by someone else on your break. Rightly or wrongly, it’s not news that will give confidence in any already floundering relationship.

Decide if you want to be a parent and if you want to do it alone and put dating and marriage on the back burner. You’re now prime getting out and meeting a life partner stage. More than likely that person will be someone you’ll meet in the future. But it’s hard to date when you’re stuck at home with a crying baby. By the time you can in your 30s, many of the good men will already be happily partnered and starting families of their own. That doesn’t mean that having a child as solo parent at 26 means you will be sad and miserable forever. But it does mean you’ll be making a lifelong commitment to being a parent, as wonderful and fulfilling as that will be, but it may mean that being a parent rather than relationships will be your focus for the next decade or so at least. Your priorities will change.

BountifulPantry · 13/10/2025 16:25

Do you want the baby OP?

WrylyAmused · 13/10/2025 16:25

I think you should also consider, not just do you want this baby, but what it means on down the road, looking a full 20+ years into the future, for you and the baby.

Even if (& it's a big if), Adam steps up and co parents well, you are then going to be a single parent.
If you want a further relationship in future, the baby as it grows into a child, and you, will have to navigate potential step parents and potentially disturbed attachment to different partners.
You might be bringing blended families into it. You might have half or step siblings to think about, plus the inequality of this child not having its parents together, whilst subsequent children might do. And while that might be fine, there's also plenty of instances where it doesn't work well.

26 is very young and you have lots of time to have a family in a more stable situation in future.
You have said you weren't looking to get pregnant at the time you did, it wasn't intended.

To me, I think the downsides are much more significant, but just make sure you think it through fully, and the implications into the future, for both the baby and for you, before deciding what's right for you. And as everyone else says, take the men out of the equation - it sounds most likely that you wouldn't end up with either of them longer term, so they shouldn't figure in the planning.