Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

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Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

She chose to remain married to this awful man and her daughter is clearly paying the price with her mental problems.

Some women happily allow their awful husbands to behave poorly and let their kids pay the price.

They put themselves and their husbands first.
They are all surprised when their children don't want to know.

My mother thought my fathers death meant everything was ok after she stood by for decades and allowed him to behave poorly.

Nope, that ship has sailed. There will be no rapproachement.

I think she was expecting to be told the dc are nearly adult, you get on and enjoy kid free time with dh, that’s why she kept returning to tell us how much she enjoyed his company. She is only capable of looking at her own needs, and wishes, I don’t think it’s even dawned on her what a dreadful struggle her dc are going through. Which leads me to think she has narcissistic traits either overt or covert. She hasn’t once mentioned how this might impact them, how they will feel or what will become of them. Not a word. It says it all given the backdrop. 5/6 panic attacks a day and unable to leave the house or be left at home in the dark at 17 is not a minor mental health issue….

I think she was, @Nestingbirds .

Another one here to put in the very sad column.

These children have grown up with a Father...even a worse, a father that made it clear they were a complete inconvenience to him.

They also have a mother that allowed this to happen, so one day they will talk together and it will all their feelings will come tumbling out.

OP, if you are still around, the best you can do now is completely prioritise your kids. I don't know what planet you are on if you are thinking of having a lovely time ' growing old' with a such a damaged, self centred person who has left you as a single parent for your kids entire life.

Jesus, what a depressing thread.

OP, in the thread you started last month, your daughter was 19. Or do you have another daughter?
www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/5405926-dd-wants-to-go-travelling-but-hates-travelling-and-being-away-from-home

OP probably changes the sex of her kids on the odd thread to make it less identifiable. Many people do the same. Doesn't change the significant factors of the situation.

I know, but if there are other (older) siblings in the mix this will illustrate how things panned out for them, and if,when they were 17, OP faced similar ultimatums from her husband.

The DD in the original post becomes a DS later so the DD being 19 makes sense

Sorry OP but from your last post you appear to be looking at the future with this man with Rose Coloured Spectacles.

His attitude to your children and his jealousy of them is a MASSIVE character flaw. A person can't walk around with a flaw like that and be wonderful in all other aspects. His flaw is based on complete and utter self interest. Everything else is window dressing. When the DC have gone, who will come first in your relationship in his eyes?

What kind of man takes on a mother and her children and rationalises that children won't need any parenting past the age of 14? What sheer ignorance and a walloping lack of empathy.

Even basic stuff like you taking your DD to look at a uni... is a problem for him. How many unis does he think she's going to need to look at in her lifetime?

You have witnessed his built in resentment.
"the kids completely drain him and always have"
" it is something he says he cannot change" - why would it change for GCs?

He is looking forward to grandchildren because he can try again."

Yes because he really deserves a second set of kids to practice on.

He will be an even shitter Granddad if he thinks it will be great because he can "give them back at the end of the day" He will be the type of granddad who can only tolerate them for the Happy Snaps - why would he find them less exhausting than your poor DC when he is even older? He will let you and them down by refusing to have them overnight or for the weekend. I wouldn't believe a word he says about the happy grandchildren picture he's painting. Do leopards change their spots.

He's only saying that because it distracts you from the job he's done so far and helps make the future with him look better to you.

Selling a lie.

Yeah this sounds just so awful. How damaged will those kids be by the fact their Dad doesn’t even want to be in the same room as them?

How have you just normalised this type of behaviour from him over the years OP? It’s bizarre, cruel, damaging, fucked up to the max.

Ive rarely seen a more unanimous thread on MN. Give him the biggest boot ever.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff very well put - and extremely clear sighted. I’d want you on my side 😂

Quite! He’s the joyless fuck who has let OP do everything and can’t be bothered to take part.

This is a great description. Adjacent sums it up really.

She's always got great analysis.
Suits the OP to continue to buy into his bullshit.
She failed her children as much as he has.
They are already suffering and will carry the burden of an emotionally abusive father for ever.

Well said @kittenkipping .

I know a woman who was desparate for a second child. She apparently said to her cock of a husband that she'd do anything to have one if he 'let her' His response was 'you can have one if you do everything for it and I won't raise a finger'. They had a second who is five years younger.

I have no words for it. He's a prick and she should never have gone also with his demands, its so unfair on the kid.

The elder one is Dad's golden child. He goes to every club under the sun and is tutored. The younger one gets nothing and is totally ignored and forgotten. Her response is 'well he doesn't want to'. The elder one didn't want to - he was told he had to.

Its awful to watch. The younger one is going to have so many issues when he's older. She will be the OP in a few years.

Most of the other parents we know speak in whispers about his abusive behaviour and intensely dislike him. He's fucking weird. Only speaks to the football Dads and always ignores the women. He has a weird Man Crush on one of the Dads cos hes rich and has the right brands. Its absoluetely desparate and has been noticed by quite a few people. She's super sweet and otherwise lovely but could do soooo much better. Its also really sad. She hasn't been allowed back to work.

In a cliche, he's just traded in his BMW for a prick mobile Tesla.

The OP just reminds me of this guy and his wife.