Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

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Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

Not a problem. Choose your children.

It sounds like he's an abusive twat who is jealous that your children take some of the attention off him. He will find something else to be angry about when they're gone. If grandchildren come, you will not have a relationship with them.
He does stuff for your aunt because it makes him look good. The way someone treats their children is the truest reflection of their character.

Choose your children.

this behavior is going to continue into their adulthoods. He will do everything to keep you isolated once they move out. He will make their visits unpleasant. He will interrupt your phone calls. He will complain about time and money you spend visiting them.

I heard something recently and I’m not sure I 100% agree, but anyway. There are two types of parents, ones who choose their children, and ones who choose each other. You’ll find lots of the children of the latter in therapy.

How awful for your children to have grown up with this man as their father and role model. I can’t imagine they will want an adult relationship with him.

Choose your children.

Get rid. Definitely.

Your kids will come back to visit you more if this miserable, selfish cunt isn’t present.

He sounds like such a shit father. Not interested at all.

Loads of parents go to open days. Thousands. What a miserable fucker. I have kids the same age. I’ve done some open days, DH did a couple and DD did a couple with friends. I made sure to go with her on the one that was the other end of the country.

I think he is possibly autistic and he relishes peace and quiet and he says he never gets this because of the demands that are put on him. His parents stopped parenting him at around 14 as they were so in love and still are so there was no time for him. He never had swimming lessons, holidays etc as he was just sort of shoved in a corner.

We almost had marriage counselling about 10 yrs ago but he refused to do it as he will not talk about his childhood.

Looking back he had absolutely no idea what parenting entailed.

I should have left years ago but I thought as kids would get older it would get easier but actually as kids have got older the parenting challenges are sometimes even harder than when they were little - dealing with teenage mental health issues, teenage dating and break ups, helping them learn to drive, uni applications, looking for jobs. He says all of the above should be dealt with by them and I should not be involved any longer and he then makes me feel guilty and I think maybe I have done and do too much and they do rely on me too much.

His parents have been married 60 years and spend every single moment together and he wants what they have although 49 of this years that he has been alive he hasn't been their priority - my parents have had a long marriage too but are constantly bickering my mum moans about my dad, dad moans about mum also, she has friends she does things with he used to go on weekends away with his friends and me and my siblings have always even as adults done stuff with my parents - and H struggles with this. We are adults so why are we still wanting to do stuff with our parents. He moved out at 16 and sees his parents once a year if that.

You absolutely can choose between him or them and you KNOW it’s a clear cut thing. It’s your kids. Always.
Your H is not a nice man.

The kids will need you longer then you think. Thetr is a lot of parenting still to go when they are at uni, especially if they are coming home in holidays and between years.
And of course you are always their mother so that will never change

I still spend time with my adult children, sometimes doing things "for" them but mainly doing things with them. They are my family.
You don't stop seeing your DCs at a certain age. We're not wild animals.
Even then there's birds and primates for eg that live in family groups!

It's spiteful for your DH to ask you to choose! These are his own children, his own family, it's unbelievablely cruel to you and the DCs.

Having said that, in your position I would be able to choose easily. The DCs always.

My husband tried to make me choose (kids were aged 12/10/8 at the time). There was never a choice it was pure instinct. My children every single fucking time without thought. We separated about a year ago in vicious circumstances - he is prohibited from any contact as he is so dangerous to them and to me. I am so proud that my one guiding principle that has driven me through hell has been my enduring and unrelenting love for my children. Don’t put this creature above your children - he is showing you who he is.

He wants you to choose? Tell him to FO and make his own choices. Does he want to be part of a family or does he want to live alone.

He sounds a deeply flawed and troubled man without the capacity to explore the trauma and damage done by his own neglectful childhood. It’s sad, but if he’s not willing to even try to do some work I can’t see why you’d choose him over your children.

Sorry to be blunt, but why have you been content to live like that for so long? For your DC to live like that? What is so scary about not being with him? What will you do when your DC have their own babies and you want to be an involved grandparent, and he gets resentful of that, too?

Autism is no excuse for his behaviour. It isn’t even a reason.

The kids still need you loads. He’s not willing so he needs to fuck off.

He wants you to have a codependent in each other's pockets relationship for the rest of your lives whilst excluding your kids? Do you see how fucked up this is??

Not really a struggle to decide.

Your kids - always your kids. I was expecting to read that your husband wasn’t the kids Dad.

My thoughts would have been the same anyway- kick him to the kerb you (and your kids) deserve so much better!

Stupid man. I'd not think twice about 'choosing ' the kids.
I wouldn't even want a dp/ dh who wouldn't make that same choice himself .

Well he clearly has significant issues linked to his dysfunctional childhood.

You on the other hand some like a great mother so the question you should really be asking is why you still want him and why have you allowed your children to grow up in this environment!??

I don't understand what the dilemma is here. Clearly you divorce him. He sounds awful.

I actually felt a bit sick reading this. Your poor, poor children.
You seem to be implying that the choice is ALWAYS a happy marriage where kids are shoved aside or an unhappy marriage where kids are prioritised. It isn't. Not for most people.
I actually don't know how you've continued to be married to a man who has so utterly rejected your children. I couldn't be friends with someone who rejected my kids!

My husband's amazing parenting has made me love him more and made our marriage stronger. I can't imagine it working any other way.

Please choose your children or you'll end up with none of them.
I remember telling my mum as a 10 year old 'we won't blame you if you leave dad' and many times after but she didn't (all her dc became distant from her because of dad). She finally left after 49 years of marriage. She now admits she should have done it when we were kids. I'll always hold some resentment for the fact she chose him for many years over her dc and gdc.

I had similar.

your H cannot have what his parents have. Because you have supported your children (as you should - his parents clearly damaged him).

realistically even if you choose him (please do not do this) he will still not have what he wants.

choose your children.

in similar circumstances I did.

my life is so, so much better. My kids tried fir a long time with my ExH but he just isn’t capable of seeing them as people and they got tired of it.

No, no, no. Do not excuse terrible parenting with being autistic. No.
Why on earth have you allowed this to happen? Poor kids.
Anyway, easy choice. Bye bye "D" H.

Do you love him at all or need him at all? Were you looking forward to doing anything with him now the children are older?

What you say about his parents and childhood is some explanation ( not an excuse) for his awful attitude.

If you still love him at all, lay down the law very clearly and calmly. Keep repeating it. If he is autistic he might find the clarity and repetition reassuring. Say that of course you are not going to choose now or ever. That would be ridiculous. You will spend time with them and time with him.

If you do not love him and need him anymore, choose the children, friends, and a new life for yourself.