Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

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Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

She’s made several threads and he comes across as a selfish twat in all of them.

Go into advanced search and type in the OP’s name and you’ll see all of them

Choose the teenagers and then have a life of your own.

@Grammarnut Absolutely, the OP deserves a proper partner. His behavior is totally weird and damaging to their children ( and the OP)

Okay, where is the accountability for the woman here?

She chose a dick over her children, over and over again.

I feel sorry for the children, not her.

I expect that when the children grow further into adults and see more 'normal' families, they will start to resent their mother, too and withdraw.

Ok, thank you

Agree with you. She doesnt deserve better, she’s prioritised this wanker over her kids since the day they were born and continues to do so.

The DC deserve far far better. These sorry excuses for parents deserve each other

It is blatantly obvious that the OP has already chosen her DH over her children by the very fact she has stayed with him for 20 years and he has emotionally abused and neglected his children for their whole lives.

What a bloody awful sad situation for the children. He never went to one football game for his son, refuses to look after them and eats his dinner in a separate room so he doesn't have to talk to his children. He is not a good husband and father, he is a horrible and cruel man.

Your poor poor children. No wonder there are mental health problems. I honestly despair at how shit parents can be.

I suspect he is a very selfish man and wants you to pander to his singular needs. This marriage doesn’t sound reciprocal - what would happen to you if you became ill? Would he find that tedious and draining as well?

The most terrifying thing about all this is that your kids think his behaviour is perfectly normal.

I dread to think how that is going to be reenacted by them in the future (just as their dad has reenacted his own childhood) - either that or they will suddenly start to realise just how abnormal their childhood was when they have their own kids.

I doubt this is going to end shortly for them OP, the fallout of this is likely to go on and on. If your dd thinks this emotional abuse is normal what on earth sort of man is she going to marry?

In her two other threads, OP talks about her daughter's mental health problems, OCD and intrusive thoughts. I wonder how much her horrible father's total and his complete rejection of his own daugher has caused or at least contributed to her mental health issues.

Yes.

They will no doubt be regulars on the stately homes thread in a decade time

She has. She is prepared to overlook his rejection of their children because he is good company and "jovial".
Meanwhile, she's asking advice on another thread about her DD who has serious mental health problems, and is so low, she can hardly function. Poor, poor girl.

Oh my god, I've just read one of these. Absolutely tragic. I hope that poor girl gets some help.
Utterly desperate.

This entirely and 100%

Get legal advice first so you have knowledge and let the reality that you need this total failed human out of your life sink in ASAP.

How on earth have you stuck him all these years? He sounds vile.

Always your children. They always come first.

It is not actually possible to downgrade with this one. What a tosser!

I’m sorry Op but just because he cooks and puts the bins out does not make a husband! It’s clear he isn’t a father. But how will he cope with your old age or any sickness in you?

Personally I would find this life you are leading intolerable. He would have ruined my experience of motherhood and family life and I’d be fucking furious with him, let alone skipping off for a weekend away. You have been robbed of a normal family dynamic by this selfish twat! And now he wants you to totally turn your back on your young adult children for him! You know that’s proper warped and insane don’t you! Yeah sure he’ll be a brilliant granddad and amazing life partner to you once you kick your children out. If I was your children I would never ever speak to either of you again let alone subject grandchildren to this shit show of family life. I can’t even believe you are considering this. His roast potatoes must be amazing! And his conversation absolutely sparkling. Despite him being possibly autistic, having melt downs if things don’t go his way and wanting to chuck children out the home he sounds like a right catch

Our son in law is a lovely young lad, and we adore him. We've helped him buy cars, look for new jobs and we help them financially and emotionally without ever demanding anything in return. He lived here with DD for 4 years while they saved for a house deposit and we treat him no differently from DD. He looked really sad the one day when I'd made him his favourite cake - and he confessed that his parents had never shown him the love, acceptance and attention that DH and I have. Made me cry to be honest because our DC are our absolute world.

Don't think your DC haven't noticed his coldness OP. What's he going to be like when they bring grandchildren home and the cycle starts all over.... or will they not want to bring them into your home environment to protect them?

The looking forward to being a grandparent and having a second chance stood out to me. Word of warning...

My FIL was very much like your husband. Short fuse with my husband and his sibling. Only interested in getting them out of the way so he could do him and follow his own interests. Right up until they were 16 evenings were eat your tea and spend the rest of the night in your own room...the lounge was for him and their mum to be on their own. His mum wasn't much better. My husband was brought up to think of himself as an annoyance and unwanted.

Roll on 20 years and they're ready for their 'second chance'. Moved to where we live and expect to have our children for evenings and weekends when ever they want. The problem is my husband and his sibling surprisingly aren't willing to risk them 'having another go' on their children. Neither am I. He never wants his children to be made to feel the way he was.
An honest conversation and some acknowledgement from his parents would go along way to fixing this but it will never happen.

You could be my mum writing this about my husband. Xx

He resented his parents for abandoning him essentially as a young teen ... yet here he is doing the same to his own children. And now he wants you to do it, too, so you and he can be just like the parents who abandoned him.

I'd be meeting with divorce solicitors this week personally. Actually, I'd have done it years ago. But since you are where you are, get on it now. Or be prepared to lose your children. I'd have zero interest in spending the rest of my life who treated my children, HIS children, this way.

He did speak. It forms half of the opening post on this thread

Didn’t see if you answered a PP or not but is your DH the DCs’ father or step parent?

Yes, the DCs will know. DH actively remembers being left ignored by his dad. We don’t have anything to do with his parents at all now either.

yes, the grandchildren thing could go either way, neither good.

Either OP's children realise what a shit dad he is and don't want him to have anything to do with their kids (if of course they have them).

Or they follow OP's example and internalise that actually it's completely fine for one parent to completely check out of all emotional parenting as long as the other parent is happy to pick up the slack. Which works fine as long as the other parent is happy to do that - but if OP's children are the 'checked out ones' and their partners equally can't be bothered or end up leaving them or whatever then you have poor grandkids with nobody willing to engage or interact with them.

He's their father.