Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

[789vghu8]

Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

You said your kids don’t know any better, but when they eventually grow up and move out they’ll come to realise what a dick their Dad is and will lose all respect for you for staying with him and allowing it.

Her daughter has been very unwell, unfortunately. She has had/is having significant problems, according to another thread. Poor girl.

I hate your husband. He has two healthy children and he acts like he hates them for no reason. HE IS DISGUSTING and you enable his abuser of them by allowing it. What the fuck do you think they feel when he won’t help them with anything, won’t even eat on the same room as them, is always a grumpy turd and then actively resents them and is a nasty little bitch anytime you parent them. Fuck him!! What a horrible person. You are accountable for allowing your children to be hurt by this and you need to actually buck up and sort it out. Your poor, poor kids. Birthdays and Christmas must be misery as he clearly needs all your attention on him and you’ve done nothing.

It is fucking LAUGHABLE that your husband thinks he’s going to get another go when he becomes a grandfather. When your kids move out he won’t see them for dust, and I imagine they’ll distance themselves from you too. I would rather leave my kids in the care of a stranger at nursery than leave them for a moment to build a relationship with my narcissistic, selfish parents. I was in the same situation as your children- a shit, narcissistic father with no interest in us, and a selfish mother who put my father first. Guess what? One of them doesn't even know my kids exist and the other i keep at arm’s length. No chance of either building a good relationship with them after my experiences of them as a child.

I forgot to say, if you think he is a good husband because he is good at cleaning and cooking, you could just hire a cleaner!

Unfortunately if you read the OP’s other threads they don’t have two healthy children. Her daughter has significant mental health issues (presumably years of hostility from her father aren’t completely unrelated to this). Which makes it even more disgusting that her husband has decided that she should stop looking after her children and focus on him instead.

The poor girl had reached crisis point, hadn't she? It sounds as if there was some sort of organisation supporting her, but she was in a bad way..

This was her, a child, trying to appease her dad, a grown man. Absolutely disgusting that an 8 year old was placed in this situation

@789vghu8 from looking at your other recent threads about your daughters severe mental health issues, I cannot fathom why on earth you have wrote this thread?

Are you well yourself?

Exactly. Poor child. How can an 8 year old be expected to deal with the emotions of an adult who has a breakdown when she asks him for some attention? That is duch a fucked up story and you've taken it as' oh the kids dont want to stress him out so they should put themselves second.

I am lost for words. This is one of the worst posts I have ever read on here.

Your poor, poor children.

And you are accountable too. You have allowed this to happen and have allowed your h to treat his own children like shit for years.

un-be-fucking-liveable

When I read the OP, I felt sorry for you and your dcs. But as I've read your updates, I just feel overwhelming sadness for your poor, poor, dcs. They have been badly down by both their parents. My DC's are in their 30's, living in their own homes with their partners and children. Both of us have done our best to be decent parents. Our dc's know that they can call on us at any time. DH was always happy and keen to do his 'share' of the care when DC's were little, it was DH who usually took dc1 to and from university and who goes out to help when their car breaks down. It's DH who looks after dgc (I am still working) and who picks up dc2 when his late shift ends after trains have stopped running. He only missed one parent evening and one sports day during their entire time at school. He also did cooking, ironing etc at home. To be honest, I've probably never given him due credit because as far as we were concerned, all that was normal family life. My DC's are the same with their own families.
I feel so sorry for your dcs - they must have felt so rejected by your husband and sadly, you have enabled his awful behaviour.

I actually felt sick reading this thread. How can this be an actual question from an actual human being with an actual heart? on what planet?

The whole situation is actually very distressing, isn't it? What an absolutely awful man.

I know. That's the daughter who is now suffering badly with MH problems, no surprise there.

With your updates OP you are just as bad if worse now. You are claiming he is such fun without your kids there that you will sacrifice their happiness so you can have fun trips with him. That is absolutely horrible. When your kids leave they will probably go minimal to no contact with you. They will have children of their own and realize how fucking awful their father is. And their mother just stood by biding her time so they can leave and she can have her fun husband back.

In ten years your thread will be all woe is me my kids won't let me see my grandkids and have cut us off. I certainly hope your children keep you both far away when they are free from you. You reap what you sow. Shame on you putting a man over your children's well being. You are both absolutely awful and deserve each other.

How a mother can even write a thread that asks if she chooses her kids, you shouldn't have had any in the first place if the question even enters your head. I actually find this thread disturbing and upsetting as a new first time mother. Imagining a little soul excited to be out with their father as though its some sort of a treat that they should be grateful for and then he has a fucking meltdown cos God forbid they were trying to talk to him and act like normal humans?!? Talked about fucked up. And the absolute oblivious nature of the OP saying the kids dont know any different, my days woman wake the fuck up. Course they dont cos they're unfortunately used to this awful situation you've willingly given them, course they're going to realise very soon as they see their family being very different to everyone else's. And to think you're actually going on about him doing a bit of housework, is that honestly your level!!? Are you incapable?? You need to take the kids to a therapist and go yourself. What he said about trying again with grandchildren is actually disgusting aswell. Sort your own children out and give them the love they deserve.

The Mother is awful too, these poor children have a pair of horrendous parents.

I’m hoping this thread is a wind up.

It is fucking LAUGHABLE that your husband thinks he’s going to get another go when he becomes a grandfather.

Are you sure that's his intention? It's a way to keep the mother on the hook now and emotionally abused her into kicking out the kids and having her all to himself. It's what someone controlling would do.

If he does genuinely see it as a second chance that also has controlling red flags - he wants a second chance. You don't get second chances at being a parent. Does he think he can control his kids and interfere for his second chance instead?

The kids will eventually leave. But I wouldn't be surprised if eventually they tell both parents to fuck off due to all this bullshit.

The mother too for enabling this, whilst praising this godawful man for being a saint for cleaning and cooking. a man who detests and despises his own children

I’m hoping this thread is a wind up.

one can only hope however several posters have spoken of similar experiences so who knows.

Total complete bullshit to imagine he will be a great granddad. You’ll be sneaking out of the house to help your kids with the baby while he throws a collosal man sulk, and they probably won’t want him near their babies anyway (your sons wife certainly won’t- hopefully for your son she had a decent dad as a model and thinks that her fil can get a Christmas card and that will do) I bet his grandpa did all sorts of things for him that he now chucks a baby temper grump when asked to do for his kids.

Have you? I have read every single post, and re read some of them. I have also posted multiple times pleading with op to consider rhe irreparable damage they are both doing to their innocent children. One of whom has severe mental health difficulties. To me, it seems that OP’s dh has had enough, and op is considering abandoning her dd in her current state. Op will chose her dh over her broken children is my guess.

I am enraged - yes, it makes me so angry - because op is in denial and is updating how ‘fun’ this POS is despite the obvious harm that is being done in plain sight. Despite the hundreds and hundreds of posts imploring her to look after her dc.

Anyone suggesting this is a wind up, sadly not, I wish it was. This is mine and many others lived experience.

The children in truth will be lucky to survive the experience both medium to long term. If their initial MH issues can be dealt with, they will need coping strategies and a ton of support to make it through more long term. It’s a long road. I work with people recovering from neglect and abuse, many due to the unbearable pain they are in - simply can not stand it.

I hope the dc are being actively and robustly supported externally. The resources are so stretched it worries me that they are indeed on their own in every sense of the word.

I was picking up your daft Am I the only that finds OP’s replies absolutely shocking and so deeply depressing?

on page 24 😆

Ummm that was the last time the op posted, so it is relevant. She will have read 24 long pages of people imploring with her to consider the harm her children have already suffered, and continue to suffer.

The further 4 pages posted since then she may not have read. I am not sure why that is so difficult to understand.

I get the impression we could post 2,244,246 posts and op will still continue to harm her dc, and choose her abusive dh. Things are only going to go from bad to worse for op, she is knee deep in denial and her dd is extremely unwell. Nkt a great position be in, no.

Unlike you, I don’t find anything about this thread remotely amusing or lighthearted.