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Original poster

Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

767 replies

789vghu8 · 11/10/2025 21:58

Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

OP posts:
3luckystars · 12/10/2025 15:54

Sorry it took you so long for the wool to be removed from your eyes.

You still have a lot of life yet. Don’t waste it.

IchiNiSanShiGo · 12/10/2025 15:57

OP - you know this isn’t right. You’ve nearly left him before. A good man would NEVER ask you to choose between him or his children. He’s expecting you to kick your children out of the house, whether they’re ready to leave or not. This is HIS issue, not your DC’s. HE can leave if the situation is so bad.

All of your justification for why he’s such a good man - I just don’t understand how you could ever get past the fact that he thinks asking you to choose is acceptable. He is a selfish coward, choose him and you will NOT have a relationship with your children. You lose. Your kids lose.

80s · 12/10/2025 16:00

He wants me to choose.
You don't have to do what he says. How about you tell him that if he wants there to be a choice between your marriage and parenthood, that is a choice he has to make? He can leave or he can accept the perfectly standard way you parent your children.

Then if he wants to stay married, you can get some counselling and decide if that is what you want. Do you want to spend your life with someone whose values are so radically different to your own? You could be with someone who is not just a laugh on occasions, but who also understands and empathises with you, has similar values, and wants the best for you.

Whatthecluckingcluck · 12/10/2025 16:03

Just a hard no.
I wouldn’t care how good my husband was with cooking and cleaning, if he couldn’t be a good dad, there is no way I would still be with him.
Also what on earth makes him think that he will ever get to spend time with his Grandchildren. Why would his children want to put their own children in a position in which they are with somebody who clearly doesn’t like them or their parent?
It sounds like excuses and there is no way I could have put up with it for 19 years, yet alone had a second child.
You are a stronger woman than me, but my priority would be my children

TryingToBeHelpful267 · 12/10/2025 16:08

How can you be in love with someone who is such an awful father?

Your poor children. Quite honestly the fact you’ve stayed with him this long shows you to be an awful parent as well.

usedtobeaylis · 12/10/2025 16:10

He's trying to make you choose him over your children, good people don't do that. He's left you to carry the weight for their entire lives. My heart goes out to them.

Honestly OP, choose yourself. Choose the healthy relationships in your life.

3packspls · 12/10/2025 16:12

How can you even look at him Op.

Even be in the same building as him

BaileyHorse · 12/10/2025 16:13

The fact that he has asked you to choose between him and your children says it all. What an awful man. I’m sorry OP but I think he needs to be shown the door sooner rather than later

localnotail · 12/10/2025 16:13

Bloody hell. He is expecting you to chose between him and his kids, and you are still defending him as a "good husband"? You are as bad as him. I cant find word to describe a parent who hates his kids and calls them a "drain".

If I was your child I would go NC with both of you. The only thing you can do to mend this situation is to dump this awful person and concentrate on your children.

Beannaithe · 12/10/2025 16:13

CrazyGoatLady · 12/10/2025 08:03

You can't decide someone is autistic based on a post on an Internet forum. I know it's fashionable on MN to be an armchair psychologist, but as an actual psychologist who has trained in and done diagnostic assessment, there's a lot more to it than this. You are the one whose ignorance and reliance on ableist assumptions is showing here. And you have no idea whether or not you are right. The sheer arrogance on you!

Lots of non-autistic people have children because "that's what you do" and don't think about the reality, then become poor parents.

Autistic people are not universally irritated by the needs of others. Ableist and wrong. Selfish men of all neurotypes, however, are frequently irritated by the needs of their wives and children. Narcissistic people are frequently irritated by the needs of others. Trauma/PTSD/CPTSD or other mental health issues such as personality disorders can make people less able to respond to or cope with the needs of others. Autistic people may struggle to understand why someone else's needs or preferences as different, but it doesn't automatically mean they will be irritated by others having needs, or be terrible partners or parents.

"Doesn't like noise" could be part of a profile of many MH or neurodevelopmental conditions. Bipolar. PTSD/CPTSD. Some personality disorders such as Avoidant PD. SPD. It can be a feature of autism but isn't a diagnostic criteria on its own.

Plenty of people of all neurotypes dislike the changes brought by a family and struggle to cope. This isn't an indication of autism. See previous regarding people who become parents without thinking about the reality.

Lots of people who are not autistic also do their duty for elderly family members but are not cut out for caregiving. One look on the elderly parents forum will show you this. There are also a lot of autistic carers out there who do far more than their duty for their families.

Stop diagnosing autism online because of a subset of vague behaviours and traits that you are linking to vile, ableist stereotypes about autistic people being cold, emotionless robots who can only act according to a set of rules and are devoid of empathy or care for anybody else. It's harmful and inaccurate, and your definition of autism according to these criteria looks more like psychopathy.

Autism is also a red herring here. It doesn't matter whether the OP's DH is autistic or would fit any other diagnostic criteria. The fact is, he's emotionally neglected his children, doesn't want to interact with them, and dislikes being a father and makes everybody know it. His behaviour, regardless of the cause, is horrible and damaging. Autism wouldn't provide an excuse for how he treats people even if he was autistic.

Show quote history

As an autist who has been abused by a narcissist ime the op's husband is a covert narcissist, a street angel but house devil.
He even has the classic poor me, look at my childhood victim act to excuse his horrible behaviour.
As CrazyGoatLady said autistic people are vulnerable and more likely to be abused than be abusers.
Narcs are incapable of love. Being charming is not a sign he loves the OP at all but it is a sign he's highly manipulative and can turn it on and off at will.

3packspls · 12/10/2025 16:13

The sad thing is… these children have a shit dad and mum.

Imagine even countenancing this for a nano second? It says an awful lot about the Op

User2025meow · 12/10/2025 16:14

OP, your children, like all children, will undoubtedly have so many lovely little facets to their individual personalities, so many little things that make them special and unique and endearing, even when they are a handful (as it is normal for children to be). I don’t have to tell you that. I look at my children and I am so often filled with so much love. It’s very sad to consider that what - he never saw all their specialness ? He didn’t really see their value when they were younger and not at the age they are now as well? What does that say about him? It’s the kind of thing I have trouble understanding. I’m in a similar position to you, in terms of my children’s father and his attitude to them, except in the end I chose to divorce because it was such a huge clash with my own personal values. Obviously it’s different for everyone and we do what is right for us. But there is undoubtedly something wrong with his capacity to love and I would be wary that it does not come to affect your dynamic should you suddenly do something to displease him. There is a very strong selfish streak there.

Tiswa · 12/10/2025 16:14

@789vghu8 do you think your DS wants to stay at home because he wants to create a relationship with his father and you don’t want to encourage him to move out - why?

3packspls · 12/10/2025 16:15

Not the only threat your husband has thrown at thread oo according to her other thread

He says I need to choose what is more important - spending time with him or sleeping in - he refuses to compromise my way though .

80s · 12/10/2025 16:17

3packspls · 12/10/2025 16:13

The sad thing is… these children have a shit dad and mum.

Imagine even countenancing this for a nano second? It says an awful lot about the Op

It's no excuse, but you can see why OP has stayed with this man, as her own parents have set a bad example by staying together but constantly moaning about one another, instead of sorting out their issues in some way. It probably feels normal to her for a couple to live against a background of simmering resentment.

Strawberrypicnic · 12/10/2025 16:21

Your kids will not stop needing you for a long time yet, but more than that, even once they 'need' you less, I'm sure they will still want to spend time with you. I have a brilliant relationship with my parents now in my 30s and my partner and I do things to help them out and vice versa. But first and foremost they are friends and people I love to spend time and have fun with. You are building the foundations to have a similar relationship with your children as they age! Do you even still want to be with your husband? I wouldn't trust that he won't change his mind about any kind of 'domestic life' at some point in the future, he sounds a bit detached and unhinged

OctopusFriend · 12/10/2025 16:23

3packspls · 12/10/2025 16:15

Not the only threat your husband has thrown at thread oo according to her other thread

He says I need to choose what is more important - spending time with him or sleeping in - he refuses to compromise my way though .

Other thread? What's it called, or have you a link? Thanks

3packspls · 12/10/2025 16:24

Your DD actively wants to go travelling Op. Encourage her. Not to give your vile creature of a husband his way but because it will be in her best interests, and goodness knows your kids need a bit of this.

cloudtreecarpet · 12/10/2025 16:26

And your kids will know.
My exH was a detached kind of father when our kids were growing up, not as bad as your husband, but not that cuddly or interested or involved until they reached their teens.
They often refer to that now and will say things like "Dad was never that interested' or "Dad wasn't around much". I don't say it - they do. Trust me - they see him and they see you.

thepariscrimefiles · 12/10/2025 16:29

789vghu8 · 12/10/2025 12:13

When we are alone without the children which does happen frequently as they are much older he is like a different person, he is funny happy and jovial. We have had weekends away and it is brilliant we got on so well. He just says the kids completely drain him and always have and I think he thought that when they got to about 14 all type of parenting duties would just stop. When we can talk about it properly he does get upset about how he feels but it is something he says he cannot change.

I can imagine growing old with him because he is such great fun to be around but I do resent him as he is a shit father. He has admitted several times that fatherhood is not for him and he made a massive mistake having children but he says he is looking forward to grandchildren because he can try again and they aren't his children so there are no expectations and he can give them back when he has had enough. He had a great relationship with his grandad as his parents were so wrapped up in each other he spent alot of time with his grandad.

A really good friend of mine has the opposite problem her partner is a fab dad and is amazing with the kids but hates it when just the two of them because he gets so much joy from the kids. She left him last year as she said she does not want to grow old with him.

I don't think that your DH gets to totally reject his children but then have a great relationship with his grandchildren. Why would your adult children want to visit once they have left home when they must be aware of how much their own father dislikes and resents them. If I were them, I'd keep my kids well away from their toxic grandfather.

Magicpaintbrush · 12/10/2025 16:32

Oh my actual fucking God, what have I just read.

This man is a disgrace - and no he is not a fantastic husband, he wouldn't be asking this horrible, impossible thing of you if he were! He clearly doesn't love your kids, and nor does he give a shit about your feelings. I actually think there is something really wrong with him, because this isn't normal behaviour.

There is no question here - you choose your kids!!!! EVERY SINGLE TIME! Can you actually imagine turning your back on them just because your weirdo husband said so? No. FFS don't do that, you will regret it every day for the rest of your life. I think you've been living so long with this man that you have forgotten what is normal. And it isn't this.

Choose your kids. Tell husband to fuck off. Further down the line, if you wish to, get a better husband.

LondonGirrrrl · 12/10/2025 16:34

He’s forcing you to make a choice between people, so don’t choose him! No normal parent would but this ultimatum to their partner. I’d prioritise the kids and accept that he forced your hand in terms of ending the partnership. Long term you need a more fulfilling relationship.

TwistedWonder · 12/10/2025 16:35

3packspls · 12/10/2025 16:24

Your DD actively wants to go travelling Op. Encourage her. Not to give your vile creature of a husband his way but because it will be in her best interests, and goodness knows your kids need a bit of this.

And is struggling with her mental health - but hey the kids aren’t affected apparently

Walkingroundincircle22 · 12/10/2025 16:39

This isn't a choice you need to make, it's one he does: family, or leave and be alone.

Don't let him do that to you. It's his problem, therefore his choice.

Unless of course you want to leave him anyway.

Grammarnut · 12/10/2025 16:42

My ex was a bit like this in that he blamed my marrying him for his not being able to live the life he wanted free of responsibility and schedules. He asked me to marry him btw. I left. I went to court for 50% custody (I left DC with him because I moved to a completely different town) and then he was narked because that meant he didn't get half my salary as maintenance any more. He told my DS to his face he was a failure whilst appearing to praise our DD.
NB my DS went to all his open days on his own, even to Cambridge - he was that sort of teenager.
Choose the teenagers and then have a life of your own.