Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

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Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

You said he may be autistic but with his other skills and social interactions with others it doesn't sound like it.

People bandy about the use of ND as a reason for poor behaviours which is a disservice to ND people.

I can’t believe you have misunderstood my point. Again!

It was your belief that you were the “only one” finding the OP’s replies depressing!

I am gobsmacked. Your poor kids.

OP, why do you have to choose?

He's the one that doesn't like the status quo, put this back on him!

Say "I like being in the DC's life, and will continue to do so as long as they need/want me. You're the one with the issue, so you choose."

What is your DC's relationship like with his parents?

If they only have time for each other, presumably they don't really have one?

And given your DH has tried to shape the same relationship with your DCs that his parents had with him, he'll have the same relationship with your GC that your DCs have with his parents?

Agree. He sounds abusive as he can clearly switch it on and off. ND people are ND in all settings. What a horrific father to have to grow up around.

It was said tongue in cheek, hence I didn’t think for a minute you could possibly be referring to that….

I don’t think you/we should derail the thread either way. I am sure op is still reading even if she isn’t replying atm, and who knows what a difference it could make to her and dc if she actually allows herself to absorb what has been said here.

^^This.
Also, the OP's post has been haunting me. I get that it's a complete mind-f**k when a person can act so nice in one situation and a complete arse in another....but helping young adult offspring to launch into the world has been one of the greatest pleasures of parenthood (and also one of the most challenging): helping then get settled into accomodation and to navigate their new situations etc etc. And, in my experience, it's when they really need support.

To be blackmailed into choosing NOT to be involved in this.....well, NO. And I don't think I could have a shred of respect for anyone who asked me to make this choice (though I suspect that the OP has been ground down over the years by her husband's bizarre behaviour, much like a boiled frog).

I can't quite believe that the OP would even consider cutting off her children just to satisfy her husband's unhinged behaviour.

Very sad

Yes I don't understand how this would even work, would they put the children into care/adoption so op and her horrible husband can devote themselves to each other and the great love they share? What does he actually want her to do?

Such a disturbing thread

I suppose he thinks that they're either 18 or coming up to it, so should be independent. He just wants rid, I think. However, as pp have said, the poor daughter is in a very bad way.

For her dd to be at such a critical stage, this could have life changing/ending impact on her. Dd is still a minor. It’s utterly disgusting.

I have followed the OP's comments and have commented myself that I think her H is an awful father but I don't see where you get the information about the daughter "being in a bad way".
Have I missed something?

She’s posted other threads about her DD’s poor mental health. But apparently can’t see that poor parenting has anything to do with it

As @TwistedWonder says. Someone upthread talked about it, you can find it under her user name. It's a very sad thread about her DD's MH problems, she was clearly in need of intervention and support, which I hope she got.

How sad &, yes, so likely it's all connected.

It must be, really.

This.

You say your kids won’t need you, I’m in my 50’s and still chat to my Dad about things that I would like his input on, he’s very wise!

Always choose the kids. Your H not DH sounds like a complete selfish self obsessed dick.

My god. DD has significant mental health problems with intrusive thoughts; this man wants to dump her like a hot coal; and the OP cannot see how monstrous this is or or how her husband’s neglect of his children and deliberately cold & rejecting behaviour has contributed to these mental health problems.

What kind of parent would even consider abandoning a daughter with these problems, just as she’s going to university & desperately needs support?

I noticed also a reference on the other thread to OP - although obviously concerned - finding her DD’s huge problems ‘ridiculous’.

These poor children. The other thread rather suggests it may damage the DD even further if her ‘father’ just leaves- but every day he remains with his family he is doing more damage. OP needs to recognise he is the problem, that she has enabled this & thereby damaged her children, and work out what will most help her DD (and DS) at this stage. Get rid of him? Keep him in the house and ignore him? Whatever. The man’s needs are completely irrelevant - he’s effectively not a family member at all. Personally I would not even be able to look at someone who had damaged my children like this.

Other worrying things: the reference to the children as ‘nearly adult’; the suggestion that the home is made too comfortable for them; the OP’s apparent belief that perfectly normal things like supporting a child in visiting universities somehow make her an exceptional parent who goes the extra mile for her children. The ‘father’ is not the only problem here.

My thoughts exactly. The father is one issue, the second is what kind of motherly instead of thinking how can she best support her child, whom is struggling so much with her mental health, in large part because of her living environment sit and ponder who to choose? And whether to dump her child - rather than focusing all of her efforts on a minor whom is very, very unwell. It’s deplorable.

Op is certainly no better than the monstrous father is my conclusion too.

I don’t think OP is coming back! I think she started this thread for some sympathy and it didn’t go the way she hoped.

I think this is one of the most unsettling things I’ve read on here. It’s been niggling at me for the last couple of days and I keep checking in to see if OP has responded.

This reminds me so much of my FIL in every family photo he has a face liked a smacked arse. He clearly finds his children stressful and his grandchildren the same. But he’s never been articulated in the way OPs husband has. MIL is a lovely woman but he’s effectively alienated her from her children and grandchildren. Family get togethers just became untenable - like walking on eggshells they slowly phased out. Mil posts photos on the family WhatsApp of them both on day trips and they are both smiling in a way I’ve never seen him smile around my children. I wonder if she’s happy with the life she’s sleepwalked into. I always assumed she wasn’t but this thread has actually made we wonder if it was more of an active choice on her part then I believed.

I agree - I think OP expected a raft of sympathetic comments and to be validated that of course she should put her husband first, after all those pesky kids almost adults do should be gone pretty soon.

It is a very distressing thread and coupled with the OP’s other threads about her DD’s mental health and her husband DS refusal to compromise on her waking up at same time as his, the entire family dynamic is absolutely toxic due to this vile creature and his wife’s pandering to his every whim

@TeresaMayspants I wonder if she’s happy with the life she’s sleepwalked into. I always assumed she wasn’t but this thread has actually made we wonder if it was more of an active choice on her part then I believed.

I'd be willing to bet that it was. There are women who always believe that their husband comes first, even after they have children. Even more so if the husband was ambivalent about having children in the first place and did so 'because the woman wanted them'. More likely those will be the men who don't actually like children and end up regretting/resenting them, like the OPs husband (and my father).

I think these women assume that their children will be there to pick up the pieces when these type of men die/leave. I bet lots get a rude shock when they aren't - like my mother did.

OP had already decided she was never going to LTB, and trying to excuse his shitty behaviour with "I think he might be autistic" is just insulting to ND people.

I know. Just think of all the autistic people who love their children, and work so hard to be good parents.