Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

[789vghu8]

Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

I think the chances of this man stepping up to being any kind of decent grandfather hover around zero. If he can’t bear his own children, he is definitely not going to be able to stand anyone else’s. He will make it impossible for op to enjoy any family time. He will at best, make them feel extremely unwelcome.

That’s assuming her children are even speaking to op by then, or would welcome her presence. Given she has stood back and allowed them to be treated so poorly for their whole childhood. The psychological neglect alone is going to mean they have will already be so damaged and disadvantaged when it comes to relationships.

Op sits squarely in total denial. She cant seem to fully face what has happened in her home for the part two decades. I think she has 100% chosen him, and will sit back and hope for the best when it comes to her dc. If nothing else I can only hope that both dc are in therapy, to try and mitigate some of the damage as far as possible.

Well in that case, the OP could be leaving herself right open for estrangement from her DCs too if it’s affecting them as others have mentioned from earlier posts. It’s certainly not been forgotten by my DH as his mum did nothing about it either.

He doesn’t deserve to be a grandfather and I doubt your DCs will look to include (inflict) him on their own precious babies - they will likely bundle you up in that decision if you insist on involving him or choose him over them now.

This is not a choice between your kids and your husband.

Its a choice between staying with an abusive wanker who thinks your role in life should be to please him, or being single.

Its a no brainer.

Bin him.

Clearly, he has been an utterly shit Dad. But, equally you have been a rubbish Mum by exposing your children to his callous indifference and open hostility. But, hey, it's all okay because your DH can be lots of 'fun' sometimes? WTAF?

How can you possibly bear to share your life with a man who has treated your children so poorly? How? I promise you, your DCs will have been scarred by their father's horrible attitude and by you passively allowing it. I have witnessed, first hand, the emotional damage done to DH by his totally uninterested Father and his feeble Mother.

Your children, all children, deserve to feel loved and cherished by their parents. Your husband has failed them and you let it happen.

I do think it is worth posters considering that the OP is likely to be in an abusive relationship and that she possibly can’t quite see this yet. I don’t blame her for finding herself in this dynamic as I’m sure it didn’t appear overnight, but that she was gradually worn down and eroded. But OP you have now seen the truth and the reality. Don’t gaslight yourself into thinking this is fine and normal and that he will magically become a fab grandad when the time comes. He has perpetrated harm to your kids, even if they are almost adults/young adults already they have endured a lot from him, and that isn’t ok and will have long lasting impact on their lives. Listen to them and their feelings. Listen to the voice that made you post here about this situation. Deep down you know there is something very wrong happening in your household - there is help out there for all of you.

Yep! He sounds awful, leave immediately

If I were the kids I would also not have it. You ignored me and now you play nice with my own children? F!ck you! You had your chance.

Am I the only that finds OP’s replies absolutely shocking and so deeply depressing? 24 pages (now 28) of pp after pp telling her the same thing and none of it is going in. She is impenetrable. Not willing to even consider that she has been complicit in this fucking hideous nightmare, she continues to call him fucking jovial and good fun! What an absolutely fucking joke I bet her dc are laughing all the way to the psychiatric hospital.

Her fingers are in her ears, her eyes tightly shut, and she will keep singing to drown out the noise. My mother did exactly this for decades refusing to budge or listen - until the day she opened her eyes and there was nobody there.

Have you bothered to read even one page of the thread?

My kids come before anything so it would be an easy choice for me.
My kids are 19and 21, eldest has finished uni and returned home, she will likely stay at home for a couple years as she can’t afford to move out and has some extra needs that she needs support with. I can’t imagine ever kicking my kids out, there isn’t a age limit to when they can stay. Luckily I am single and kicked their dad out ten years ago, he was similar to your dh and would probably have kicked them out at 18.

He’s going to be a lonely old man

"I need to decide who is the priority - them or him."

This is abusive. You ltb.

Sadly he’ll still have the OP glued to his side wondering why they’ve never met there grandchildren

OP I think you need to do the women’s aid Freedom Program and then, when your eyes are open, individual counselling.

Sadly it’s not uncommon for abusive men to use their children as tools to further manipulate and control. And to play the victim and blame bad parenting.

It must have been very lonely as a new parent to be emotionally abandoned and not able to leave the house because you couldn’t rely on your husband to take care of your shared DC. The stress of living with a husband that couldn’t tolerate the presence of your DC so that they couldn’t bear to be in the same room as them for over a decade must have been almost unbearable.

You are in an abusive cycle with intermittent reward that keeps you locked in it and disregards the shit that precedes the reward.

You’ve got used to H causing problems and resolving them temporarily when you conform. I bet you can’t remember how to resolve issues without him. I can imagine you feel enormous relief when H is his old self, relaxed and jovial and good company. You probably think it is genuine and his real self. It’s not. It’s a calculated reward for focusing on his need. That’s why it ends when DS phones for the WiFi code or you return home.

You need to break free of this control for your own sake and for your DC. His abuse of your DC is secondary to his abuse of you. And maybe you thought you could suck it up and do all the parenting because he cooks and cleans but the dynamic is emotionally damaging in the present and will be in the future to you and your DC.

You seem to be already rewriting things. Is the choice ultimatum now forgotten? H wants DS to leave but DS will live at home whilst at uni. How will that work? Does H want him to move into halls or rented accommodation whilst at local uni or can he now tolerate his presence?

There is no happy future if you stay with him. In the short term it will be hard due to your dependency on his approval. Try to keep in mind that that dependency has already compromised putting your DC first in their childhood and now you are facing a stark choice of essentially abandoning your DC to prioritise an abusive relationship with H. Don’t do it. There is help to escape.

Never heard the likes of it.
I'd ask him to leave, let him make the choice. Family life or single life

In all honesty, and going by your other threads, you need to focus on your daughter and her current MH problems. I hope that she can access enough help and support.
Is your DH helping , or oblivious to her troubles?

@789vghu8 I suggest you have a frank talk with your son who intends to live at home during university. He absolutely mustn't. Or he'll turn into his dad as a man. Enough damage has been done. Push him out of the nest.

Your poor kids. I cannot believe it has come to him making an ultimatum. YOU should have got rid of him a long time ago.

Outrageous this is even a question honestly. Your children first, ALWAYS. Especially over a disinterested pig of a man. I don’t think he will suddenly take an interesting in doing things with you once your kids are no longer around. Honestly you should never have ever pondered this it should have been clear. I think he’s done a real number on you by saying for decades things aren’t reasonable but he does even less than the lazy Dads I know. Those at least would collect their children.
Your kids are going to be really harmed by a Dad like this, emotionally worst of all.

You’ve painted a much rosier picture with your later posts, but the fact is he is the one who has said you have to choose.

Your kids have only known him, but they may change their minds later. Especially if they have their own kids.

Son at home and the dickhead husband gone is a better suggestion.

How is this even a difficult choice? He sounds horrendous.

My own father had similar issues about any emotional demands from his children, I was one of four children. He was good with practical stuff around the house and was OK if you wanted to help him doing something alongside him but rubbish (irritable, distant, angry, and unwilling to adapt) if we needed extra support or time from him or my mum. He was great once my older siblings reached adulthood but died before I became an adult. He was a teacher, a very outgoing and well-liked man who loved to be loved and admired, he needed an appreciative audience to perform and younger kids don’t do that.
It caused us all issues, for me it was poor self-esteem and difficulty in relationships- it was only after a period of severe depression, counselling, and having my own child did I realise what a damaging parent he had been - no unconditional love does that do you.
Fortunately for your children they have a mother who has picked up the slack. I think you need to tell him firmly and clearly that your relationship with the children and how you choose to support them is not his to dictate, and let him know if there is a choice to be made the children will always be first. If he is unwilling to accept this your marriage is now over.

In your latest posts OP, it sounds as if you think there is still hope in your relationship, you seem to agree that now the kids are getting older, everything will be easier. Your husband might get a second chance when grandchildren arrive!
The best thing that could happen to your DC, is that one they will meet an emotionally intelligent parter (all parents want that, of course), the downside for you is that only then they will actually realise how damaged their upbringing has been. They will likely distance themselves from both you and your DH.
Of course I am talking from experience.