I don’t want the amount of contact everybody is trying to have with me

[Bloodorangey]

I am 42F with elderly parents I look after financially and physically, I work full time in relentless job (the job is like being a doctor) have 3 DC at school who live with me (I am a single mum)

I meet all my goals and requirements for work, feedback is good, I do a good job and I earn enough money to look after everyone.

I have just reached a point where I don’t want to have any more conversation or contact with anyone apart from what is necessary. My brain literally cannot take it anymore. I feel so overwhelmed with what is already happening in my life. I get no pleasure in a phone or text conversation, even a social or friendly one.

having a job like a doctor I get asked for a lot of extra help and advice from people I know. Sometimes their level of entitlement to my time astounds me. I have friends and acquaintances who will call relentlessly because they “need a favour.” I ignore this and I don’t respond and it makes people irate. It starts with a WhatsApp or two, I don’t respond, it escalates to calling every day, sometimes three times a day. I don’t pick up. Suddenly people are angry with me. Issues are created that don’t even need to be issues. They feel entitled to something free from me, I am unavailable and they can’t get hold of me, and suddenly we have beef. all created by them.

there are some people who still chase me after a couple of years of me ignoring their texts and calls. One in particular wanted an internship for her daughter at my place of work. I didn’t respond and have never responded, but I still see emails and text messages flash up two years later, which I can preview - flabbergasted that I have not responded and still asking.

Another person who wanted a private introduction to someone I knew at work, to ask them a favour, sends me sarcastic, passive aggressive messages a year later. Her last one reads “I can only assume you have lost your job and are too afraid to tell anybody, and that is the reason you cannot get back to me and help me.”

I have tried the approach of explaining that I am overwhelmed by my own life and my not insignificant caring and financial responsibilities to my parents and DC. People are understanding, but then quite often want to “talk” about it, or are then introducing me to people on email whose services I should buy or consult in order to feel less stressed. That person then follows up relentlessly.

is this a me problem? Or a them problem? I just don’t know anymore. I just want these people to fucking leave me alone. Can anyone relate?

This is very much a them problem. In your position I would get a new phone number and be very selective about whom I gave it to. I would also set up a rule on my email account to send an auto-response to anyone not in your contacts, stating that the inbox is no longer monitored.

You sound like the witches from Macbeth. Heaven help both of you if you ever need empathy and understanding. It takes little to see how overwhelmed the OP is.

This is tough. If they're close friends then you should at least acknowledge their messages e.g. thanks for your message but I have too much on my plate right now, I can recommend x who is very good. However if they're not a close friend then feel free to ignore!

I’m a doctor, and can’t really think of anything that’s like a doctor. I assume you’re not a health care worker as there aren’t any that are the same as being a Dr (other than being one….) but your profession presumably also has codes of conduct and established ideas around behaviour. As a dr, it would not be professional or ethical for me to give advice to randoms. If I get involved I need to review the patient myself. So I can’t just advise on your photo of a relative’s rash, and I’m very comfortable saying as much.

I also can’t answer my phone most of the time as I’m working a lot, and my basic work is resuscitating people, People understand I can’t just answer messages. So again - no point sending me a photo of a relative’s rash.

Whatever profession you are, you can presumably draw on similar expectations around professional behaviour?

Not so overwhelmed that she couldn’t take the time to type out a long post complaining about it, though.
People have tried to help her and she hasn’t even been back to say thank you. Two words. She’s bloody rude, and probably just as rude in real life.

You honestly should be able to hold a conversation on speaker phone while your child is eating/feeding/sleeping - when you are ironing for example.

Are you joking?? I think you are missing the point entirely.. she doesn't bloody want to! She doesn't WANT to be put in the position where she has to say no to people, asking things that they are cheeky for even asking. They are only contacting her because they WANT something from her, and she is under no obligation to give it to them, it's not a mutually beneficial thing, even if she agreed, it would not be the end of it, as there will be follow ups, obligation and potential bad feeling if the outcome is not how these "friends" want it!

I totally get it, when you have an extremely busy life the last thing that you want to be doing is getting involved in other peoples problems, or have them giving you unsolicited advice that you haven't asked for or want about your own situation!

Sometimes you just want to be left alone and there is nothing "enmeshed" or "superior" about it! .. telling her 'when she has her 'second child she is going to struggle' could you be more bloody patronising.. she's a single mum with 3 school age kids if you bothered to read properly!!

I suspect the harsher posters are non healthcare, whereas those that are health care understand the realities of being asked questions etc or to just do a 'quick favour' if you're working full time + nhs extra + caring for 3 children + looking after elderly parents you're probably quite stressed and need to review your current general overall life set up. Forget the friends you have assisted in the past

Oh and two more things you can do. @Bloodorangey

3. You can change numbers and only give to those you want to have it. Then let them know not to give it to anyone else.

4. Have one number for people you accept contact from and another number for everyone else.

I've done both as well. You have more peace that way because you can simply turn off the phone for everyone else when you need the space. That way they can't contact you on the other one.

Just make sure they're not worried you're dead or ill or something because they suddenly have stopped hearing from you. So a quick message, to say you're going offline and will contact when you're available, should help.

am so sorry - I thought I was replying to a different thread! Will get it removed!

I’d use a standard copy and paste message if I were you to deter them .
I wouldn’t pester anyone for their help / service as a freebie anyway but I do appreciate not being left on “ read “
Just a quick “ talk later “ “or can’t do that at all “ would be fine

One of the things I struggle with is people who confuse free time with availability (I think this is maybe a Mel Robbins thing?)

like, I might have some time free but I need that time for me and to just do nothing and have no demands placed on me. Just because I am not doing anything doesn’t mean I have the capacity to accommodate you.

Lots of people don’t understand the difference.

Another one. “Ooh I do appreciate not being left on read” 😑

Sod off with your self-important expectations of other people.

Or she is overwhelmed and just wanted to vent when she was feeling at her lowest ebb. My goodness, some you post have a lot to learn about real life. Heaven help you if you are ever at rock bottom and just can't see a way forward in the middle of the night when there is NO ONE who cares.

Thought I was replying to a different thread that I read yesterday… have had it deleted now as it isn’t pertinent to OP’s circumstances at all. Note to self - drink 2 cups of coffee and don glasses before replying…

Who's talking about "barged" and "demanded"?? OP doesn't actually describe anything like that in their first contact, and my post isn't referring to that, asking a friend for help or advice isn't barging or demanding FFS! It's a pretty standard aspect of friendship, they aren't to know that OP is at the point of burnout and just doesn't have the capacity for it anymore.

If they are a friend asking for a help or advice, a simple 'no I can't do that" should suffice, if they carry on or complain then that is something else, as they are not actually friends, they are entitled arseholes who deserve to be ignored and/or blocked, I've got no problem with that whatsoever. Not responding to someone harassing you or failing to take no for an answer isn't rude and I never said it was.

But ignoring a friend asking for a help or advice IS rude IMO, and will just prolong a situation that OP is already finding stressful (people contacting her) so better to just say no instead, or if you feel the request was really cheeky in the first place then say no and then block them.

🤔
I am far from self important , more self deprecating and accommodating.
A simple copy and paste type message to acknowledge is way better than leaving on read then the person messaging knows where they stand .
It would possibly be less stressful for the OP
And I’ve never asked for help or a freebie 😂 from anyone .

I find chat gtp really helpful for this as it generates a response in 10 seconds, removing the emotional labour (roughing up the grammar a bit to make it look natural). I wouldn’t use chat gtp on my actual good friends but some of these sound like they deserve at chat gtp response.

Because by messaging a person to ask for help, and then setting expectations around responding to that person (“it’s rude to ignore a friend asking for help”) you are placing a demand on them that is all on your terms. They didn’t ask for your message so why are they then required to respond, lest you think they are rude?

Also, it’s HARD to say no to your friends. Some people (and i am one of them) really struggle with that. It’s not fair to put people in that position. You might think “ah we’re good friends so they won’t mind” but I think many people DO mind. It doesn’t matter who you are. It’s still a demand. It’s still a fucking pain in the arse when you have 50,000 other things to deal with.

Just go and see your own GP/pay for your own legal advice/book a joiner. Stop putting so-called friends into positions where they have to say no to you.

Thanks for sharing your experience! Seems more common than I expected for mums to end up isolated due to cutting out CFs - who incidentally would baulk at reciprocating any kind of support. Genuinely disappointed with humankind atm.

A lot of people here living in some utopia where people graciously take “no” for an answer and then slink away silently. It’s only entitled people who have the audacity to demand favours out of the blue from someone they know to already be overloaded and/or owes them nothing. Entitled people are the most likely to get aggro when being told no - hence attracting even more stress and overwhelm when your firm but polite “no” escalates into frustrated and abusive pushiness and retaliations. Awful people are just awful, no matter how you deal with them.

So you think friends should never ask each other for help and advice? It doesn't bother me personally as I think that is part of friendship, and I just say no if it is something I don't want to get involved with, if they refuse to take no for an answer then they aren't your friend. Some people I know get annoyed if you DON'T ask them advice on a topic they are knowledgeable about, like you don't value their opinion enough to ask them.

IMO It's not rude to ask for help and advice.

IMO it's not rude to say no.

IMO it is rude to demand help or advice.

IMO it is rude to ignore/ghost people and leave them hanging not knowing if you even received a message from them.

I appreciate you have trouble saying no to people, but would you really just ghost someone for asking? Seems bonkers to me tbh.

This.

You have no idea about me or my lowest ebb. I have been where the OP is and I still think she’s out of order.

She started this thread knowing full well that people would give up their time to respond and try to help. To not even bother to come back and acknowledge their efforts is disgustingly rude, and probably how she behaves in real life too, then she wonders why people are angry with her.

Well said.

Yep. All of this. Additionally, she simply doesn't owe them even a millisecond of her time and does not want to give it. They approached her, and she is perfectly entitled to absolutely ignore them. Ignoring rude people is not rude, it's simply making a decision to maintain your own boundaries.