I don’t want the amount of contact everybody is trying to have with me

[Bloodorangey]

I am 42F with elderly parents I look after financially and physically, I work full time in relentless job (the job is like being a doctor) have 3 DC at school who live with me (I am a single mum)

I meet all my goals and requirements for work, feedback is good, I do a good job and I earn enough money to look after everyone.

I have just reached a point where I don’t want to have any more conversation or contact with anyone apart from what is necessary. My brain literally cannot take it anymore. I feel so overwhelmed with what is already happening in my life. I get no pleasure in a phone or text conversation, even a social or friendly one.

having a job like a doctor I get asked for a lot of extra help and advice from people I know. Sometimes their level of entitlement to my time astounds me. I have friends and acquaintances who will call relentlessly because they “need a favour.” I ignore this and I don’t respond and it makes people irate. It starts with a WhatsApp or two, I don’t respond, it escalates to calling every day, sometimes three times a day. I don’t pick up. Suddenly people are angry with me. Issues are created that don’t even need to be issues. They feel entitled to something free from me, I am unavailable and they can’t get hold of me, and suddenly we have beef. all created by them.

there are some people who still chase me after a couple of years of me ignoring their texts and calls. One in particular wanted an internship for her daughter at my place of work. I didn’t respond and have never responded, but I still see emails and text messages flash up two years later, which I can preview - flabbergasted that I have not responded and still asking.

Another person who wanted a private introduction to someone I knew at work, to ask them a favour, sends me sarcastic, passive aggressive messages a year later. Her last one reads “I can only assume you have lost your job and are too afraid to tell anybody, and that is the reason you cannot get back to me and help me.”

I have tried the approach of explaining that I am overwhelmed by my own life and my not insignificant caring and financial responsibilities to my parents and DC. People are understanding, but then quite often want to “talk” about it, or are then introducing me to people on email whose services I should buy or consult in order to feel less stressed. That person then follows up relentlessly.

is this a me problem? Or a them problem? I just don’t know anymore. I just want these people to fucking leave me alone. Can anyone relate?

You’re not the problem here at all - it’s people being entitled and draining when you already have so much on your plate. You don’t owe anyone internships, introductions or free advice. “No” is a full sentence, and you’re well within your rights to block, mute or ignore without explanation. Wanting peace isn’t selfish, it’s survival - you’re doing brilliantly.

While I don’t blame you in the slightest, the ignoring/ghosting people might be getting their backs up and might be causing them to continue to text you. Do you have the capacity to send back a single text to any unreasonable demands just saying, “no I can’t do that.” And then leave it there.

You aren’t being unreasonable, you have to do what you have to do.

why are you financially responsible for your parents?

I totally get it and sympathise.

You simply have no more ‘bandwidth’ left.

Look after yourself! 💐

Carry on ignoring the cheeky f*ers.

Op its called ' your social battery has died ' that's OK, I do think we get to a point were we just can not ' people ' anymore, its called ' 'peopling' i do it most days now, i don't won't to , can not be bothered, you on the hand are so so busy, you need to repete both above daily because its ok, your tired, life's crazy busy , do what you need to only, but no peopling OK, 💐

Be kind to yourself op thats OK too,

My God dam social battery takes so long to charge this days, even longer over weekends 🫢

I can relate, I bet you’re a lawyer! I’m a family lawyer but get randomly contacted by all and sundry (friends and family) about their friend’s boundary dispute, uncle’s Will etc. I sometimes hear from someone who hasn’t contacted me for years, think it’s nice to hear from them, but turns out to just be them asking some kind of favour!
I’m just very boundaried and firm with people and refer them on to other lawyers that I know - who they can pay if they want advice!
just to warn you also I am now 51 and the deterioration in my short term memory and concentration, and general ‘head space’ is really noticeable, so get on HRT as soon as that starts for you (if you can take it).
I used to thrive on stress and now I have to take it easier.

I can relate OP. I’m a dentist and feel drained most days with everyone’s demands including my family’s. If you said I’ve got a lot on my plate with both work and caring responsibilities, so wouldn’t be able to help, Hope you get sorted etc and then mute 😀
A lot of those people chasing you are bloody rude imo and won’t take a hint

Say no, then block the users. Really, just send No. There's no need for politeness, they're just trying to use you and get rude when you're not usable and performing to their satisfaction. Fuck them and the horse they rode in on.

You're burnt out. You don't have anything left in your tank and you're going to have to find some way of putting something in there. Cut anything extraneous and draining that you can. Automate what you can. Meal prep. Get a cleaner. Caregiving and parenting at the same time can be horrific. Try to get some respite care for your parents. Good luck.

Wow, it's hardly surprising you're feeling that way. Nobody should be demanding anything from you and you're allowed not to respond. You'd think they'd have enough savvy to get the message.

Set up an auto response to messages & emails, if possible, saying you're unavailable for the forseeable, or block the lot of them.

Omg I relate so hard to this. Different situation but I have young children and I feel like people always want a piece of them which obviously means they want a piece of me because I have to facilitate all their socializing at the moment. whether that's strangers wanting to comment/chat or grandparents, I feel like the interest and the comments are relentless and I just want everyone to go away. Im a bit introverted to I get drained very quickly. If people talk to my children I just don't make eye contact and ignore them now and have set boundaries with in-laws for weekend only socialising generally. I minimised my group chats on Whatsapp and get my husband to deal with his side of the family for the most part.

I find this too, a little different to your situation as I dont have an important job however
Because im self employed people think i can just change days etc to help them but im busy trying to build up my income
I've actually started setting a timer to put my phone on do not disturb and ive started just being honest that im too overwhelmed at this moment in time.
The final straw was a cousin that spent 3 hours on the phone moaning about her work colleague

I run my own business, with a particular skill set. Most people are respectful but occasionally someone thinks I would love to do them a favour for free. I send them my fees and details of my terms and conditions which always puts them off. It is very infuriating though.

My social battery is frequently low. I had to walk along a couple of roads on Saturday where I was almost certain to see acquaintances. I just put my phone to my ear and muttered into it, with a vague wave of acknowledgment to anyone I know.

Yes this, i do the fone trick all the time, just remember to have it on silent as mine rang out once, ☺️

Are these people you have ever liked? Or been supported by? Would you want to have friends in the future?

Ask to borrow a sizeable sum of money, and you won’t see them for dust.

Big over ear headphones are my answer... you don't have to have anything playing through them ...

I think i'd block their numbers, cheeky lot.

I can relate but in a different way. Am Massively introverted and with a stressful, conflict-ridden job draining my social battery daily, feel like I don’t enjoy meeting friends or family visits any more.

unlike you, I don’t have the entitled people hounding me for my time. My concern is about my future state with lack of investment into relationships. But I still cannot engage more as I find it overwhelming.
Looks like you have nothing to gain by trying to placate these acquaintances - so just continue as you are?

I think I would block their numbers. Extremely rude to continue to contact you.

I totally get this - we work in music and the amount of neighbours, distant relatives, very distant friends who suddenly want advice, favours and free tickets got wearing, so my H now points them in the direction of ticket box offices etc - I do think partly this is due to a lot of people having little spare cash - there are a ton of older people ( and I’m 63) who did stuff like retire at 55 and suddenly realise they might have lump sums off pension but are 11 and 12 years off actual ‘pension’ age and what seemed a lot suddenly starts burning through quickly, so any extras in life become hard. We also have an elderly relative ( late 80s) who simply doesn’t want to spend a penny on advice or outside help- be it an accountant/lawyer despite around a million in liquid assets - ( not house either , so not tied up) - and has no kids! The tightness of some people is incredible, but they are more than happy to take advice or help ‘for free’

I have a similar problem though work in the advice sector not a lawyer. People never seem to think my time off is just that, and I have other responsibilities to juggle. Random requests for help/advice wear you down and also as I'm getting older I'm getting less tolerant of it 😫 OP I really feel for you and you are not being unreasonable.

Have you thought about writing some sort of brief line to deter people?

So, if they're asking for professional favours, something like 'I'm afraid I'm not authorised to give advice outside of work, I would recommend you seek another professional in that area via "x" search engine'/we don't do internships etc?

My friend is a solicitor and isn't insured to give advice outside of work. My sister is a GP and would only say 'see your own gp' or 'have a paracetamol and an early night' to indicate her opinion but then quite efficiently brush off any further requests.

The fact you're not responding at all leaves the door open for further enquiries.

And to the person who suggested you've lost your job, a short sharp 'im not allowed to give advice and your continued intrusion and now defamation has caused offence'.

Your friends will understand. The others are hoping to use you for your expertise and nothing else.

It sounds like your boundaries are good, but only up to a point, then you are failing at the final step.

When someone refuses to accept a boundary you have put in place, just block them and forget about them.

These aren’t close friends or anything, you need to stop giving a shit what they think.

And maybe get more support in dealing with your parents? It sounds tough. 💐

Some good suggestions- can you draft a standard reply along the lines of “I am not permitted to give professional advice outside of a contractual relationship”

Yes. I think you just ignoring messages is actually compounding the situation and leading to extra stress. Also, these people don’t sound much like friends.