I don’t want the amount of contact everybody is trying to have with me

[Bloodorangey]

I am 42F with elderly parents I look after financially and physically, I work full time in relentless job (the job is like being a doctor) have 3 DC at school who live with me (I am a single mum)

I meet all my goals and requirements for work, feedback is good, I do a good job and I earn enough money to look after everyone.

I have just reached a point where I don’t want to have any more conversation or contact with anyone apart from what is necessary. My brain literally cannot take it anymore. I feel so overwhelmed with what is already happening in my life. I get no pleasure in a phone or text conversation, even a social or friendly one.

having a job like a doctor I get asked for a lot of extra help and advice from people I know. Sometimes their level of entitlement to my time astounds me. I have friends and acquaintances who will call relentlessly because they “need a favour.” I ignore this and I don’t respond and it makes people irate. It starts with a WhatsApp or two, I don’t respond, it escalates to calling every day, sometimes three times a day. I don’t pick up. Suddenly people are angry with me. Issues are created that don’t even need to be issues. They feel entitled to something free from me, I am unavailable and they can’t get hold of me, and suddenly we have beef. all created by them.

there are some people who still chase me after a couple of years of me ignoring their texts and calls. One in particular wanted an internship for her daughter at my place of work. I didn’t respond and have never responded, but I still see emails and text messages flash up two years later, which I can preview - flabbergasted that I have not responded and still asking.

Another person who wanted a private introduction to someone I knew at work, to ask them a favour, sends me sarcastic, passive aggressive messages a year later. Her last one reads “I can only assume you have lost your job and are too afraid to tell anybody, and that is the reason you cannot get back to me and help me.”

I have tried the approach of explaining that I am overwhelmed by my own life and my not insignificant caring and financial responsibilities to my parents and DC. People are understanding, but then quite often want to “talk” about it, or are then introducing me to people on email whose services I should buy or consult in order to feel less stressed. That person then follows up relentlessly.

is this a me problem? Or a them problem? I just don’t know anymore. I just want these people to fucking leave me alone. Can anyone relate?

"I have no interest in facilitating a personal introduction to someone so you can ask a favour.

I have concerns that if you are as rude and entitled as you are with me, it'll reflect badly on me professionally. Don't contact me on this again"

And block.

You've got too much on your plate OP. Do what you have to do, you must look after yourself and people will either understand or choose not to.

I am just like you. I have a daughter with autism I am trying to get through her GCSE exams, a full time business and I am seriously ill myself. I used to have loads of 'friends' until I got cancer and other illness, and some dropped off then. Others have drifted and I have had a cull as well of leeches and illness voyeurs. In fact I have dropped anyone who is negative in their perspective on life. I am left with 2 social contacts, and I just prefer to focus on family life these days. People are exhausting. I get approached for 'free' expensive services related to my business, and it is often people who I haven't seen in years. I had one turn up last week who I haven't spoken to in months and we only knew each other over the internet in a work related matter. I flatly refused to see her as her visit was unannounced, and it feels liberating to say no. I don't mind being Billy no mates, and prefer to spend my time wisely on what is in the best interests of my family. I think having recovered from cancer it gives you a new perspective on what is important and how to spend time on things you want, rather than people who will waste your time and drain your energy. You be you, and stop worrying about what other people think.

This. I would reply once to say no before ignoring.

Your way of dealing with things doesn't seem to be working though - it seems to be adding to stress.

A friend of mine is just very firm with people who want to use her services for free. 'No I'm sorry I can't do that - here's a list of people/where you can find someone you can engage to do that'. And moves on.

Yes I had similar in desirable creative field. Now direct people off to paid (expensive, because our time and skills are expensive!) courses now, they are so huffy about it!

People like that are a nuisance.
I don't think it's helping though that you aren't giving a clear no, so they keep chasing you up which is pissing you off.
You need to have a series of stock phrases which you can send back to them.
If you're a lawyer (bet that's what it is):

I'm not able to give out free legal advice because of x and y. (Not covered by insurance if you were sued by them or something).

I'm not able to organize internships. The person responsible at our company is Mrs. B, please contact her for further information about our internship programme.

Plus other stock phrases depending on what it is that people usually ask you.

And that's it. If you don't answer at all they will keep pushing and end up getting annoyed. It is a "them" problem, but if you don't give a clear "no" they will keep at you.

Once you've sent a quick and clear message, if they still continue I would just block them. I don't put up with anyone being rude to me like that or pushing when I've said no.

If people are asking you these things in person where you have less time to consider a reply, rehearse stock phrases similar to the written ones and keep repeating them.

"As I've said, I'm not able to give out free legal advice". On repeat, until they get the message.

there are some people who still chase me after a couple of years of me ignoring their texts and calls.

It sounds really overwhelming but your strategy of ignoring people you don’t want to deal with clearly isn’t working.

Work out some standard responses to these kind of requests and send them immediately you are asked. (save them in your Notes app and copy and paste)

You’ll have made your position clear and that should reduce the pestering.

I am a lawyer and I have had this alot in the past, it has got better as I have learnt to say no without guilt, but my husbands family in particular often reach out for free advice.
A favourite example is I was at a funeral and during the wake the next of kin dumped some probate papers on my lap and asked if I could read them through and advise! (I’m a commercial lawyer) 😀

Resonate so much with this would love to change it!

Do you realise how incredibly narcissistic this sounds??

I completely understand your issue, I feel the same though perhaps to a lesser degree. I have a couple of close freinds and zero capacity for more. That said, the completely ignoring people is going to trigger a part of the reaction. Maybe you need a standard response that you send out and if they persist, block. It gives them a reason, it gives you an out so you can switch off to any future attempts

Totally understand, I'm an NHS podiatrist and people I know regularly get their feet out for me at parties and functions - can I just give them some advice - no I bloody well can't.
One woman not even a friend but an aquaintance of a friend turned up at my door asking for insoles for her child - free of course. I said sure, it's £150 up front and my next appointment available is in four month time.
She was livid - I just said, who are you and who gave you my address. I never heard from her again 🙄
I'm 63 so I've learnt to be quite rude when I get cheeky requests.
And no I don't want to look at your fungal nails when I'm out having dinner.

Turn the tables and when they call say 'Oh hello X, perfect timing for you to call, I need someone to sit with my parents on Saturday so I can go out, would you mind? or 'I'm afraid the only way I can make time to do that would be if you could take something off my plate for me, perhaps mow my parents lawn / take dad to his chess club / drive the kids to their activities this weekend?'

Cheeky fuckers the lot of them! I do think you need to be direct with your 'no 'rather than ignoring and them keep trying. A simple no / no we don't have capacity for an intern/ no, I don't have that information/ no, I don't want to do that etc

Get a new phone number and put it in your folks phones and DC and few trusted friends. Maybe block all contacts on things like messenger or come off social media.
You need to guard your private life like you are royalty!
Lock it down!

I like the suggestion to automate a generic reply saying no, I cannot take that on, blah blah, then block them.

sounds like you have very healthy boundaries, and some people just get irate over that. Let them. And if you are not careful and give in ones, that will erode your needs. Also, sounds like you are just burnt out by daily stresses and a demanding job, so having solid boundaries is vital in order to protect you. Some people just cannot read the room and expect everyone to be available due to social media.

'I'm sorry that won't be possible'

Or whatever phrase fits

Repeat as necessary

Don't engage and don't explain

Ignoring won't work

I disagree that the OP should reply - why should she, she hasn’t initiated these conversations and she’s not obliged to respond to other people’s to-do lists. That’s so arrogant and entitled of any of these people to think she should. I would worry that if you give people like this an inch they’ll take a mile - they seem too thick-skinned to get the message as it is!

I blame networking, the tech industry, ally ship, community cliquey contactsbrown nosers. People wanting favours and social status or currency for being the go to person who knows everyone. It's lacking in decorum to be constantly trying develop contacts for favours.

OP - Have a work phone and a private phone. Only give out private number to people that you want to hear from.

I think the problem is that you’re ignoring people. How do they get your number in the first place? Limit who gets it. Have a stock response which is polite and to the point. ‘Sorry, I can’t help with this. I hope you find a way forward’. Then block their number. Ignoring them is just going to make them wonder if you ever received their message or make them annoyed. It’s rude.

I understand the need to cut people off or just ignore, but it causes more stress in the long run. A short, sharp no is what you need. Then you won’t have the stress of being chased, etc

I said sure, it's £150 up front and my next appointment available is in four month time.

If I were op, I'd do this. (Substitute whatever amount would make it worth the bother for her).

Then at least she'd be monetising the stress. And word will get around that she's not a soft touch who does work for free, so that should reduce the unwelcome messages.

I can relate OP. I don't have the same issue of people asking for my professional help outside of work but I do understand that overwhelmed feeling and often just want to hide away from all the friends and family who want to see me. I love them and I know I'm lucky to have friends and family who want to see me... I just feel exhausted and overwhelmed a lot of the time.

Don't think OP actually wants contact with us either