I don’t want the amount of contact everybody is trying to have with me

[Bloodorangey]

I am 42F with elderly parents I look after financially and physically, I work full time in relentless job (the job is like being a doctor) have 3 DC at school who live with me (I am a single mum)

I meet all my goals and requirements for work, feedback is good, I do a good job and I earn enough money to look after everyone.

I have just reached a point where I don’t want to have any more conversation or contact with anyone apart from what is necessary. My brain literally cannot take it anymore. I feel so overwhelmed with what is already happening in my life. I get no pleasure in a phone or text conversation, even a social or friendly one.

having a job like a doctor I get asked for a lot of extra help and advice from people I know. Sometimes their level of entitlement to my time astounds me. I have friends and acquaintances who will call relentlessly because they “need a favour.” I ignore this and I don’t respond and it makes people irate. It starts with a WhatsApp or two, I don’t respond, it escalates to calling every day, sometimes three times a day. I don’t pick up. Suddenly people are angry with me. Issues are created that don’t even need to be issues. They feel entitled to something free from me, I am unavailable and they can’t get hold of me, and suddenly we have beef. all created by them.

there are some people who still chase me after a couple of years of me ignoring their texts and calls. One in particular wanted an internship for her daughter at my place of work. I didn’t respond and have never responded, but I still see emails and text messages flash up two years later, which I can preview - flabbergasted that I have not responded and still asking.

Another person who wanted a private introduction to someone I knew at work, to ask them a favour, sends me sarcastic, passive aggressive messages a year later. Her last one reads “I can only assume you have lost your job and are too afraid to tell anybody, and that is the reason you cannot get back to me and help me.”

I have tried the approach of explaining that I am overwhelmed by my own life and my not insignificant caring and financial responsibilities to my parents and DC. People are understanding, but then quite often want to “talk” about it, or are then introducing me to people on email whose services I should buy or consult in order to feel less stressed. That person then follows up relentlessly.

is this a me problem? Or a them problem? I just don’t know anymore. I just want these people to fucking leave me alone. Can anyone relate?

You have a lot on and it sounds like you just don't have the capacity for friends or anything else. Some sound like they're just trying to help with suggestions to ease the stress.
This is what a good friend would do, as self care is important. If you don't take the time out to look after yourself, then what happens to your elderly parents and kids if something happens to you?

Maybe you should take a leap and block all your friends, as you don't want or need to hear from them.

I've been a single parent with 2 children for 11 years and I think people just don't understand how intense it is to be one who does it all. I support my family financially, plus take care of all the life admin, plus cook all the meals etc etc etc as you do. Other people just don't understand, especially women with husbands (no diss, just what I have found). I get asked by them to do this and that and help them and I just can't. I don't have the support (I have no family or family-like friends to share the load) to be give anything else. I am constantly in survival mode. Protect yourself and keep the boundaries. You are doing such a big job.

No, don't, because then they keep persisting, and that's what is wearing her down.

I would have thought the OP would realise that by now. Just reply "No, sorry, I can't do that, it's out of the question I'm afraid".

Delivering a negative with a note of finality should staunch most of the requests.

Just keep ghosting them. Obviously, it is ridiculous to expect you to expend any energy at all explaining your circumstances, and then having them bug you even more for more details or chat.

Anybody who becomes testerical and more demanding at being ghosted has just proven they are very definitely someone who deserves to be ghosted.

Nobody is ever owed a second of your time beyond your immediately family (and not always then).

The only thing you are doing wrong is not archiving/muting everyone who tries to push their way into your life.

You want them to be reasonable and stop being ridiculously entitled and demanding, but that won't happen. Just expect them to continue whining, and keep ignoring them, and learn not to check on anything they send you.

Be kind to yourself. You owe these people nothing. Real friends will wait

That was perfectly articulated. 100% concur

I don't have anywhere near the level of unwanted contact that you suffer, but I empathize completely. I had one friend who used to phone regularly - which was fine - but would then be on the phone for 2 hours. I had other things I wanted to get on with! I think you just have to set firm boundaries and stick to them. Ignore the ones that persist after you've told them you can't help. Your time is valuable so try not to waste it worrying about them.

The irony of you proclaiming there’s “no need to be rude” while posting a response like this.

Send them all a big and simple NO and if they persist or want reasons, just block them.

How do you know these people? They don’t sound like friends. Also, why on earth are you supporting your parents? Do they not have pensions?

hist send anyone who asks a message saying sorry you can’t help as too busy. Give them the number if your place of work to book an appointment to speak to a colleague if you have one. If not, send a list of your prices.

Your parents shouldn’t not be depending on you financially -fine to help out every now and then but if they haven’t got enough money they need to sort out state help

Probably not friends like that.

You are handling your life admirably. If these people are not friends in dire need, just either block or send a message back to say you are sorry but you cannot help. Non of us are obliged to stay in touch with people who drain us, are of no use to us at all or who are acquaintances. As they say, let it die on the vine. As for people being rude and sarcastic, it says far more about them than you.

Agreed, but also they seem to think that the OP might need friends like that in the future 😂

You have my sympathies. I am a Graphic designer and my OH is an Architect who mainly deals in huge projects. The amount of requests I get for “Just a little business logo” is insane.He gets lots of requests for peoples home extensions!

Oh, dear. You have obviously one of the great self entitled! Your rude response says more about you than it does about the OP.

I have my mob set to NOT take voicemail.
Obviously I warn various close family, GP’s & etc. of this situation, but it certainly cuts out copious trash!

You got all that from my response. Wow. Thats quite a reach.

You sound like me

but you have to learn to say no… and not ghost people as that’s wrong

Nah, it’s not.

Why can’t you reply and say you can’t offer internships/advice rather than ignoring the text - you’re getting more aggro from ignoring than politely refusing.

My DH gets asked favours re his job - someone asked me yesterday for him to sort something out, he said he was too busy and I relayed the message and my friend was fine with it. Took less than a minute. If he hadn’t responded it would’ve been rude.

even answering with a ‘no’ opens up a dialogue with people - it gets doubly overwhelming when battling someone who is not going to take no for an answer…

Don’t ignore but send a brief clear polite response.

Something like ‘Sorry I can’t help with that at the moment but I hope you manage to sort it out.”

I completely get you. I’m in a different field but often get asked for professional advice. I say that I’m not comfortable advising family and friends. Re internships, not possible to arrange informally. Now and again I might help with some basic advice but often people ask me things that are not in my specific area of expertise but they assume it’s all the same thing.
I should add, I absolutely get the being touched out feeling. When I reach 9pm I dont want anyone to ask me anything or that I have to communicate. I just need to be still.
Practically speaking, I’d respond to people that ask and just say you can’t help on x and suggest they see their gp, or signpost to internship programmes etc. if you have some standard replies, it’ll be less effort. If people push you, I’d be quite firm and repeat I’m not able to help. Anyone who keeps going is really not someone you want in your life.

It’s not you it’s them. It reminds me of that Britney Spear’s song Piece of Me.

You sound amazing and are spending what brainspace you do have on all the right people.

I agree with pp that drafting something to make it clear you’re not ‘on call’ outside your actual work would help draw clearer boundaries.

Very. The OP is being bloody rude to people who’ve taken time out of their days to try to help her and while I don’t agree with people haranguing her for free work, if she behaves like this towards everyone else in her life it’s hardly surprising they’re pissed off with her.
“my social battery is low” can only take you so far before it crosses the line into being rude and unpleasant.