I don’t want the amount of contact everybody is trying to have with me

[Bloodorangey]

I am 42F with elderly parents I look after financially and physically, I work full time in relentless job (the job is like being a doctor) have 3 DC at school who live with me (I am a single mum)

I meet all my goals and requirements for work, feedback is good, I do a good job and I earn enough money to look after everyone.

I have just reached a point where I don’t want to have any more conversation or contact with anyone apart from what is necessary. My brain literally cannot take it anymore. I feel so overwhelmed with what is already happening in my life. I get no pleasure in a phone or text conversation, even a social or friendly one.

having a job like a doctor I get asked for a lot of extra help and advice from people I know. Sometimes their level of entitlement to my time astounds me. I have friends and acquaintances who will call relentlessly because they “need a favour.” I ignore this and I don’t respond and it makes people irate. It starts with a WhatsApp or two, I don’t respond, it escalates to calling every day, sometimes three times a day. I don’t pick up. Suddenly people are angry with me. Issues are created that don’t even need to be issues. They feel entitled to something free from me, I am unavailable and they can’t get hold of me, and suddenly we have beef. all created by them.

there are some people who still chase me after a couple of years of me ignoring their texts and calls. One in particular wanted an internship for her daughter at my place of work. I didn’t respond and have never responded, but I still see emails and text messages flash up two years later, which I can preview - flabbergasted that I have not responded and still asking.

Another person who wanted a private introduction to someone I knew at work, to ask them a favour, sends me sarcastic, passive aggressive messages a year later. Her last one reads “I can only assume you have lost your job and are too afraid to tell anybody, and that is the reason you cannot get back to me and help me.”

I have tried the approach of explaining that I am overwhelmed by my own life and my not insignificant caring and financial responsibilities to my parents and DC. People are understanding, but then quite often want to “talk” about it, or are then introducing me to people on email whose services I should buy or consult in order to feel less stressed. That person then follows up relentlessly.

is this a me problem? Or a them problem? I just don’t know anymore. I just want these people to fucking leave me alone. Can anyone relate?

No op not peopling today, I didn't people either today, bus to shopping mall , some shopping, coffee lunch said please and thank you many times but that was it, have had a lovely day, 😂😂

The title of this thread is perfect and it is me.

I think mine is because I'm neurodivergent though. I have a very busy, very demanding, very full-on job but maybe not as much as yours, and I don't have the caring responsibilities.

What I do have is a lot of people messaging me all the time with chit chat. And I do not need to have this amount of chit chat, or contact with people, or so many simultaneous conversations going on about xxxx's hobby, yyyyy's relationship, zzzzz's job application, aaaaa's home improvement project. I can't juggle all their shit and my shit. And it's like a neverending task because I put off replying until even I know I am rude, and then I go in and reply to them all, and they're all back online immediately with their responses and I'm back to square one. Like, how do I STOP talking about this hobby/varnishing project that I wasn't interested in 18 messages ago but which we are apparently still talking about?

I don't know what I was doing when other people were learning how to people.

But I did not learn.

IS what she wrote narcissistic?

...no, pretty baffled by that post!

Having experienced similar, I had a few different responses kept in a handy document and copied and pasted as appropriate. They ranged from “sorry, a bit overwhelmed at the moment, will get back to you soon” to something more like “sorry, we are being inundated for similar requests, we will log your message and get back to you if we can help”.
This way no bridges are burnt and friends who are offended are friends you can manage without.

I do similar but I'm a bit more straight forward, I have a copy and paste message that says "I'm definitely not going to able to do that for you, please look for help elsewhere and don't ask me again as it puts me in a difficult position of saying no". Then if they come back with anything I just quote that and say please see this.

Why she is helping or responsible for her parents is not your business and not what the OP asked!

True, she doesn’t have to answer it 🤷‍♀️ Or indeed, come back at all.
No need for that.

She doesn't have to do anything but it will stem the requests and pestering if she's borderline rude in return. I know because that's the tactic I employ and it does shut people up.

Doctor of philosophy here. I don't get it to the same degree, but yes I get asked for introductions to review 'research' proposals. The most annoying is the free consultancy expectation. People get excited by the friction of having an idea and get offended when I don't spark back.

The lack of spark is the answer.

Keep on swimming!

I understand your feelings of overwhelm, and you are perfectly within your rights to cut off people who are demanding, but I do think you need more in your life than just work, and caring for aging parents and children. Maybe a creative hobby separate from the other things in your life.

Just block them and you get on with the marvellous jobs you are doing.

I hear you. I go with the “not insured to give advice” line myself. I recently had to tell my own bloody people pleasing mother to stop telling her relatives/pals to phone me for advice 😣

How is a commercial lawyer using “alot” though 😬

I don't have a job like a doctor (I am a teacher) and I don't have the caring responsibilities you have. But when people ask me to help with their kid's work and then keep chasing me for the feedback, I too feel so fucking annoyed by it. So no, you are certainly not unreasonable!

I work in a job like yours and similarly I often get people messaging "can I just ask you...", "do you have a quick second...".etc. Friends, close family, distant family, friends' parents, friends of friends, neighbours.... my landlord's wife... it just goes on and on and it is too much for me on top of work & family.

If it is a very close friend or if I have time to spare then I will help, but this will be the minority of cases and that's entirely on me to decide.

For the majority, I have a polite stock response that I send out whenever I get that sort of request as I feel it's important to shut it down right away, and I don't want to leave them hanging.

Sounds like you've got a lot on and that you're doing a great job. Your time is precious and no one else gets to dictate what you do with it. Good luck

Yeah…you need to block.

People are entitled and usually have loads of time to try and get freebies. What you need to do is block after the first message.

You know the vibe and how it ends so just act earlier.

If it is about your job…you can’t help it. People are attracted like moth to light 😂😂 they don’t realise most successful people don’t actually have time to answer any of their non sense and would flee them anyway…

Simple. Block the numbers. You never need be bothered by these people ever again.

Your post is very misleading as imo when reading between the lines it comes across to me as you actually craving this attention. It’s weird.

Set up a text short cut for a response to people

like *. And it will pull up, “no i can’t do that for you”

thanks for your concern I am managing fine but do not want to talk.

i will say that this level of insularity and the only relationship you maintain are those with caring responsibilities is unhealthy and will run you down. Something has to change.

who nurtures or gives to you, who check on your wellbeing or makes you a cup of tea. Humans are communal, the island you are creating will be very lonely eventually

What job is "like a Dr?"

1. You dont have the time or inclination to tell people how you are but you have both time and inclination to complain about it on MN?

1. Block these old contacts who are messaging for favours

1. Stop making friends if you dont want them

1. Whats like a Dr? Youre either a Dr or you arent?

From the way the OP writes, it sounds as though she has a lot of people in her life who want a favour off her. Realistically, even introducing someone is quite a big favour - if it goes wrong then it makes her look bad.

In my last job (I am an actuary), it was drummed into us that advice we gave for free to friends and family was not covered by our professional indemnity insurance. So, could you use this? I know that you have said that you are like a doctor - doctors have pretty serious insurance.

Re things like internships - say that unfortunately all requests have to go to "Recruitment / HR department" and that you would get into a whole world of trouble for bypassing this process for someone (often true, particularly in banking - it isn't 1987 any more).

OP posted two days ago and hasn’t responded to anyone on here since then even though the replies are overwhelmingly supportive and people are taking time out of their busy lives to write out well thought out responses. Interesting.

I relate to this a lot. I don’t do anything as important as being a doctor but I am in a very senior business position that is seen as quite cool by some. I seem to have phases where everyone wants a piece of me. People asking me to mentor them or someone else, introducing me to someone for no discernible reason. I have ex employees who try desperately to stay in touch even though I’ve basically ghosted them for years. It’s very overwhelming. I have a hideous amount of unread messages on LinkedIn. I think I prefer coming on here or Reddit for a social fix as it feels more on my terms.

Sounds like me. Another one with a busy professional job, voluntary work, elderly parents, and school age children (with one of the children also being neurodivergent).

I think perimenopause has not helped with this. I need time by myself in total silence every day these days, or I feel I am about to tip over the edge. WhatsApp messages feel like demands, and I dread answering the phone. I have had to let some friendships fall by the wayside because I just don’t have the emotional energy to devote to all of them sadly