I don’t want the amount of contact everybody is trying to have with me

[Bloodorangey]

I am 42F with elderly parents I look after financially and physically, I work full time in relentless job (the job is like being a doctor) have 3 DC at school who live with me (I am a single mum)

I meet all my goals and requirements for work, feedback is good, I do a good job and I earn enough money to look after everyone.

I have just reached a point where I don’t want to have any more conversation or contact with anyone apart from what is necessary. My brain literally cannot take it anymore. I feel so overwhelmed with what is already happening in my life. I get no pleasure in a phone or text conversation, even a social or friendly one.

having a job like a doctor I get asked for a lot of extra help and advice from people I know. Sometimes their level of entitlement to my time astounds me. I have friends and acquaintances who will call relentlessly because they “need a favour.” I ignore this and I don’t respond and it makes people irate. It starts with a WhatsApp or two, I don’t respond, it escalates to calling every day, sometimes three times a day. I don’t pick up. Suddenly people are angry with me. Issues are created that don’t even need to be issues. They feel entitled to something free from me, I am unavailable and they can’t get hold of me, and suddenly we have beef. all created by them.

there are some people who still chase me after a couple of years of me ignoring their texts and calls. One in particular wanted an internship for her daughter at my place of work. I didn’t respond and have never responded, but I still see emails and text messages flash up two years later, which I can preview - flabbergasted that I have not responded and still asking.

Another person who wanted a private introduction to someone I knew at work, to ask them a favour, sends me sarcastic, passive aggressive messages a year later. Her last one reads “I can only assume you have lost your job and are too afraid to tell anybody, and that is the reason you cannot get back to me and help me.”

I have tried the approach of explaining that I am overwhelmed by my own life and my not insignificant caring and financial responsibilities to my parents and DC. People are understanding, but then quite often want to “talk” about it, or are then introducing me to people on email whose services I should buy or consult in order to feel less stressed. That person then follows up relentlessly.

is this a me problem? Or a them problem? I just don’t know anymore. I just want these people to fucking leave me alone. Can anyone relate?

This response is very good

Also curious how it was narcissistic 🤔

If you ignore people they will become more persistent. Stop ignoring people it’s rude. Simply respond in a polite and pleasant manner saying no. Then they won’t keep messaging you. It sounds like you could do with some therapy.

Ha ha well we are all getting a taste of what everyone else in op’s life gets. Frustrating isn’t it?!!

Why is that interesting? OP was very clear that she was overwhelmed. Can you imagine being a single mum looking after kids full time on top of a high pressure full time job on top of caring for ageing parents? Makes perfect sense she would break down and vent online (a relatively short post at that, for mumsnet) then have to go back to being completely burdened and overwhelmed with her many many many responsibilities. You sound like one of those CFs who keep messaging her and feeling entitled to her already non existent peopling energy.

I did that and it's amazing 🤣

I hear you. My husband is a joiner and the sheer amount of people who think he’s happy to work for free, giving up his weekends just to help them renovate their homes in exchange for “a slab of beer” is fucking ASTOUNDING.

Friends, family, neighbours, the local postman…. They’re FOREVER asking for favours or “can you help with a small job?” … or wanting step-by-step instructions for DIY.

Now we have 2 small children, he’s increasingly saying, “NO”…. And oh my god, it’s put so many noses out of joint.

People are incredibly entitled.

Good god - if you don’t want people to keep on pestering you then answer them firmly to begin with. Ignoring them is rude and clearly not working.

It’s rude to ask in the first place.

People in these types of jobs generally HATE being asked for help outside of their day job. I don’t know a single one of my lawyer colleagues who doesnt complain about this. I don’t understand how so many people have the absolute audacity to ask, to be honest.

I don’t have to imagine. Strange that you would assume I had some easy life where I couldn’t understand this.

It sounds like they're not even checking in with you to see how you are anyway, it's all for their own agenda - and on that alone I wouldn't feel guilty or anything as such for not assisting them with "favours". It's not like a mutual friendship where you help each other out in some way. Some people are such users and they don't even hide it! They ask outright and get annoyed when they don't get what they hoped for. Block, move on and protect your peace 🙏

I absolutely agree with you and you are not unreasonable. I feel the same way and it sounds like you have enough on your plate already. I am 42F 3 DC also, a very tricky ex husband, a job as a lawyer, and at the end of the week / day I have absolutely no energy to catch up on messages or even socialise. A lot of people reach out to me for advice too and I just cannot be bothered with it any more. No judgement here- you are doing an amazing job doing all you are doing (I don’t think I could cope with anything on top of the demands I have - you have elderly parents whom you care for - that must be very demanding) I wish you well and think it sounds like you are an amazing person

I had to double check I didn’t post this and forget as I feel exactly the same. My days feel full of helping others over and over and me rarely asking anyone for anything in return. My brain is overwhelmed.

You posted a snide and unsympathetic left-field comment and haven’t responded to me taking time and effort to explain clearly to you that OP is very likely overwhelmed - as she so clearly stated originally - and calling you out for being also entitled to her energy. You instead continue to play victim and cry unfairness yourself. Interesting.

I regularly have my phone on DND mode and only allow calls from my son and his school.

Unlike some people OP , I don’t think you are rude for not answering these people. I think THEY are rude for asking for favours in the first place . My brother retired early before he was 60 because of his health. He is not one for sitting around so he trained as an advisor for Citizens Advice Bureau. After a couple of years he had to give the role up because whenever he went to his local for a pint with his friends he would have a queue of people waiting to ask him about how to deal with their problems. He just wanted to be left in peace .

This sounds unbearable, OP. Who are all these arseholes?

I feel like there’s an epidemic at the moment of people with no healthy sense of social shame, who absolutely refuse to take a hint and won’t stop hounding people to whose friendship / advice / free services / instant response they feel entitled.

They seem to expect they should be everyone’s top priority and the centre of everyone else’s world at all times.

Every other thread on here seems to be from some desperately impatient and self-important little dictator furious that someone hasn’t instantly replied to their message.

’It takes 2 seconds to send a text’

It takes less time than that not to send one, mate. Don’t push your luck.

I have absolutely no desire to be used as your on-call human chatbot or advice line when you can’t be arsed to use a search engine.

Remind me what you’re adding to my life again? Oh yeah, endless demands and pass agg chastisements. Piss off.

Needy, entitled people can do one. Block the fuckers.

Whew, that was cathartic.

Your problem is ignoring rather than simply asserting boundaries such as “I don’t offer internships” or “I don’t offer advice to friends, it puts me in a difficult position professionally”. Shut it all down. Ignoring others is rude and you might need other people in your community at some point for your own support.

I sympathise with you. You have to be prepared for criticism for ''withdrawing from society'' but I think you should ignore it and get some peace of mind.

Unless you do something, you will be at everyone's beck and call.

Because you are dedicated to living and providing for the people who matter to you, others, who don't, get the idea that you must be extraordinarily energetic, or they make that the excuse for asking favours.

Cut off anyone who has no right to expect you to help them - ASAP. They are not your responsibility. Somehow they have gotten the idea that you love to be involved in everything. Either that or they are fooling themselves, telling themselves they are really helping you by shoving their problems onto you.

Don't answer your phone if you don't want to. Tell everyone who bothers you that you are in bed by 11.pm (earlier if you think they will believe it) and cannot be disturbed.

If you have Saturday day off, tell everyone that you sleep until 1pm, even the children. Before I was disabled that is what I did. Woe betide anyone who woke me up before 1pm on Saturdays when I have had a load like yours. It doesn't take long to get the message. So many women of my acquaintance do the same, which was really quite surprising, so if you do something like that on whatever day you don't work, you could well succeed. Your family and extended family should understand that.

If the people who bother you drift away, you can only find improvement. Their loss is greater than yours.
Go for it.

After years of this kind of thing I have become very transactional with people who want freebie favours. Especially bloody neighbours.

Some examples:

Can you make me a face covering like yours?

You dont have a car and it seems such a shame to waste the space. Can I park one of mine on your drive?

Can you give me some tips about how to run an Ebay shop?

I usually say something like"Well Im not a charity. Im a business woman and I charge for my time. So I can think about it and let you have a price if I decide to go ahead. But it wont be a cheap option."

I do find that an excellent conversation killer and have never heard back from the kinds ot takers who want a freebie.

But needy greedy succubi like this just push and push and push against boundaries. They have the hide of a fucking rhino. It’s so bloody much work to get them to behave themselves or fuck off.

Anyone who is shitty and aggressive when you stop replying to their repeated attempts to take the piss is hardly going to morph into a valuable member of your warm and supportive community further down the line.

Great advice, start cutting your circle removing all CF, respect is a basic requirement for friendships.

Op you have my sympathy. Caring for one elderly parent is hard enough, but caring for two is impossible. You are doing brilliantly. Please try to find a moment just for yourself.

I have zero sympathy. Have a copy & paste note on your phone that says. “ I respect you & appreciate you & our past but I’m hugely overwhelmed, I’ll get in touch when I’m able to give.”

it’s not fucking complicated and you’re not special. Life is busy, we’re all busy. No need to be rude or avoidant.
honesty is the best policy & I hope for your sake you never need those people.