I don’t want the amount of contact everybody is trying to have with me

[Bloodorangey]

I am 42F with elderly parents I look after financially and physically, I work full time in relentless job (the job is like being a doctor) have 3 DC at school who live with me (I am a single mum)

I meet all my goals and requirements for work, feedback is good, I do a good job and I earn enough money to look after everyone.

I have just reached a point where I don’t want to have any more conversation or contact with anyone apart from what is necessary. My brain literally cannot take it anymore. I feel so overwhelmed with what is already happening in my life. I get no pleasure in a phone or text conversation, even a social or friendly one.

having a job like a doctor I get asked for a lot of extra help and advice from people I know. Sometimes their level of entitlement to my time astounds me. I have friends and acquaintances who will call relentlessly because they “need a favour.” I ignore this and I don’t respond and it makes people irate. It starts with a WhatsApp or two, I don’t respond, it escalates to calling every day, sometimes three times a day. I don’t pick up. Suddenly people are angry with me. Issues are created that don’t even need to be issues. They feel entitled to something free from me, I am unavailable and they can’t get hold of me, and suddenly we have beef. all created by them.

there are some people who still chase me after a couple of years of me ignoring their texts and calls. One in particular wanted an internship for her daughter at my place of work. I didn’t respond and have never responded, but I still see emails and text messages flash up two years later, which I can preview - flabbergasted that I have not responded and still asking.

Another person who wanted a private introduction to someone I knew at work, to ask them a favour, sends me sarcastic, passive aggressive messages a year later. Her last one reads “I can only assume you have lost your job and are too afraid to tell anybody, and that is the reason you cannot get back to me and help me.”

I have tried the approach of explaining that I am overwhelmed by my own life and my not insignificant caring and financial responsibilities to my parents and DC. People are understanding, but then quite often want to “talk” about it, or are then introducing me to people on email whose services I should buy or consult in order to feel less stressed. That person then follows up relentlessly.

is this a me problem? Or a them problem? I just don’t know anymore. I just want these people to fucking leave me alone. Can anyone relate?

Wonderful comment. Love it.

I have a job which doesn’t allow me to have my phone on me and going out to my car takes at least 15mins out of my lunch break, plus there is rubbish signal anyway.

And so I don’t use my phone at all for 10 hours of the day.
If it’s an emergency then people have the office number.

I too am in a caring type role which can be mentally draining and I’m a single parent and so I do not always have the mental energy to give at the end of the day.

So I can go days without replying to non urgent texts. But my friends are all the same and there’s no expectation to reply on the same day unless we are meeting or something.

I definitely feel I am happier than many people, simply because I am not glued to my phone and don’t feel the pressure of replying straight away.

You can always have a second phone for emergencies. Only give the number to drs etc

Absolutely get it, OP! DH & I both work in financial advice (he's an adviser, I work in a different area). People are constantly asking for free advice, but never want to invite us to do anything.

We say we cannot legally do anything outside work but can help them make an appointment. The first one's free....

I also learnt to be ruthless when I was SAHP. I'd get calls for a chat which were a cover for a request for child care or errands since I didn't have work restrictions.

Now they know I won't offer, no one calls anymore.

Learn these words . " I am unable to facilitate that " and keep repeating it .

@Bloodorangey start responding with “sorry, but I’m just too busy” and copy and paste the same message to every request they have, they will eventually stop xx

I don’t understand how some posters think the OP is in the wrong here?!

It’s NOT OK to milk people for free work/advice! It’s not ok! She doesn’t owe them a fucking response!

People are selfish CF! The only doctor (I know some) I would ask for advice in private is my brother.
My DH is a CF though. I am so embarrassed by him asking a neighbour for legal advice concerning something really minor. Like called her and spoke about his problem for 20 minutes *cringe. I told him he was a CF and he said he was just asking for advice btw neighbours. He's in sales though and they are known to be CF. I am the absolute contrary never wanting to impose myself on anyone.

Anyway @Bloodorangey I think it would be good if you had a standard response that you could just paste for all requests "sorry my life is really busy right now for reasons I don't want to divulge so I'm not able to respond to any requests"

There’s one good point here albeit within an overly harshly written post - the inability to multi-task or to know what to say/be too anxious to say no can point to anything from burnout to an anxiety disorder to neurodivergence. There’s many different ways to view and approach this issue.

Your brother hates it too. Honestly. I’m not trying to be mean but it doesn’t matter who is doing the asking.

Yeah, I was really popular as a sahm when children were younger. But I preferred people being CF upfront (and to be fair I always said yes because I like children and really didn't mind having a few extra- my kids were happy with this:) rather than pretending to be my friend. I am still hurt by my neighbour who I thought I was really close to; saw each other regularly, I supported her when she lost her father and we talked about everything. Then come secondary and kids not in same school so I can't help her with her dc. Radio silence. Brief hello when our paths crosses. I was useful and then dumped when no longer needed.

You have to speak up. Ignoring the messages is just inciting the really hardcore CFs to take their rudeness and entitlement to the next level. Thankfully it doesnt need to take a lot of emotional input or concern from you. A simple 'I cant assist you with that - I can recommend XYZ Inc, please make an apptmt with them, their fees are in the range of ABC' is enough

I sympathise as well. I’m a 44 yr old solicitor/partner so get a lot of requests for advice or - more irritatingly - passport renewals/applications for people I’ve not heard from for years. I’m so exhausted by my week at the moment I struggle to have the energy to talk to my husband of an evening let alone socialise/deal with these types of requests.

I don’t know the answer but you’re not alone OP.

Well done. It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of responsibility on your shoulders and doing it very well. Ignore the noise and people who just want to use you. It works for me. Genuine friendship is not dependant on what you can do for them and definitely doesn't get thick if you're not forthcoming.

Your OP talks about not wanting the amount of contact other people want, but the people you talk about aren't requesting contact, they're trying to take advantage of you. It's totally understandable that you don't want that.

There were two people I was very close to as a young adult who I then lost contact with. They both, separately, popped up after about five years of silence, asking for favours, when they knew I had two young children (neither of them has children). Both times I naively thought they were trying to get back in contact so I used my precious free time to do the favours. From both, I got a brief 'thanks' and then never heard from them again. I was really shocked - I couldn't imagine ever treating someone like that. If they did pop up again I would completely ignore them.

Thankfully those are the only instances of that happening - I think I'm better these days at choosing people who aren't mercenary and totally out for themselves.

Why are you all bothering on a 3 day old post that the OP hasn't re-posted on?

I have made it v clear to relatives that I am not the person to come to for advice. I am also single parent, my friends have known me a long time and know this, its following on from situations where I was dragged into helping people a and almost expected to be on call. Luckily over the yrs I have whittled down a friend group that is a mix of HCPs and we don't tend to discuss our health unless shit is hitting the fan xx

I am 42F with elderly parents I look after financially and physically, I work full time in relentless job (the job is like being a doctor) have 3 DC at school who live with me (I am a single mum).
This says it all! Perhaps the OP does not want to hold a conversation on speaker. Perhaps all they want is peace from the endless pointless tirade from people wanting attention to their waffle. Over enmeshed in their child? They have three children. Please read the post properly before you cast judgement and aspersions. Have you ever had to look after elderly parents? They may have dementia, illnesses etc. If the OP's job is like a doctor their days of listening to twaddle are relentless. I suggest you go back to your drawing board and think about an empathic and non judgemental approach. Look at your vocab: superiority complex, enmeshed, anxiety, PPD, HV, This says more about you and your labels than it does about the OP.

ignoring them is making it worse, as they don't know the reason, if they think you've forgotten etc they will continue to chase you up, getting more frustrated the more you ignore.

Ignoring is just as rude IMO as politely asking someone for a favour!

If it is something you don't want to do then think of a way to say no politely, or just say 'sorry, I can't do that'. Any agro then block, you are ignoring them anyway so blocking them is no different, but at least they know why!

You sound overwhelmed and burned out.

I felt the same as a sandwich carer to elderly parents and small kids and I didn’t have the type of job where people asked stuff of me to contend with either.But often found socialising beyond me as just had nothing left in my tanks most weeks.

100% completely reasonable not to do the favours, worry about the internships etc.

Is there anyway you can find some time/space to recharge? That one friend who is easy company and you can offload to or unwind with. Or finding a carers group with other people who understand all you have on your plate? It is so easy to put yourself last when maybe you really, really need to put your own oxygen mask on first and take care of yourself too.

I wasn’t very good at this and now really wish I’d taken better care of myself. Big hugs

Try a call screening service. Let someone else deal with the hassle. You can then tell them what numbers to put through and all the rest take a message. Worked for me.

And I thought I was busy 🥴 I have 5 times less work than you in a given day, judging by description, and let me tell you - I am down to one (!!) friend.
Everyone else dispersed after I couldn't accommodate pointless texting, just meeting up for coffee etc...also all getting offended on the way out...
When I was a new parent, people just couldn't understand that I have no time to buy myself socks and underwear - and absolutely no time to go window shopping with them on a weekend.
I had no family here to jump in, no money for babysitter...and people just didn't get it.

As someone who can totally relate to your life and have done some ghosting myself (although gone about it a different way than you), you have two options if you don't want people to contact you.

1. Short response to any message. It can be short and sweet or short and sharp:

Sorry I can't/won't do that. I'm not allowed/insured.

Please see another [job title]. I'm unable to help. Sorry.

No it's not possible to do x. I don't have the capacity/ability.

I'll contact you if I ever have the chance. Please no calls or texts.

I'm unavailable and will let you know when I'm free.

Etc.

2. Block all their numbers. Any new number that contacts you again, block. Repeat.222

I did the second one to the more persistent people after I did the first one. My messages were long and explanatory at first. Then, short and sweet most times. Sent a few "I'm unavailable"/ "Please text, I can't answer calls" as well. My intention is not to be rude but to have some space, so i try not to be.

You can do both 1 and 2 or you can choose one or the other.

I'm afraid just not responding gives people different reasons to keep trying. You need to assert clear boundaries or give them the closure they need and if they're good friends/family, they do deserve this. Afterwards, you owe them nothing again.

(Edited because mumsnet numbering system is weird).

Ignoring is just as rude IMO as politely asking someone for a favour!

Nope. You don’t get to barge your way into a person’s life and demand a response then cry about “rude” when you don’t get it. The fact that they’ve made you feel a bit embarrassed for asking doesn’t mean they’ve been rude. It means you shouldn’t have asked in the first place.