Page 5 | Bf ex going to sisters wedding and staying weekend

Newusernameforthis123986 · 2025-10-05T20:59:24+00:00

Going to keep this as quick as possible and try not to be too outing. bf has an ex broke up 18 months ago was together 5 years. No kids and was not married We have been together around 6 months recently met his family but still early days. We get on really well. his ex has been invited to his sisters wedding at the end of year. I haven’t which is fine as new relationship and the wedding is small and they are having 30 people. She will be staying at bf for weekend as she lives accross the country and says she cannot afford a hotel. She has asked me not to be round that weekend as that would make her uncomfortable (can’t anyway as it’s my weekend with kids) but I still feel very uncomfortable. I have said it is slightly strange how she has specifically asked for to not be there and also wants to go to a very intimate close family wedding but he has said that it isn’t really on him in regards to the wedding list and he doesn’t want to be rude saying she can’t stay. I am thinking this may be a deal breaker for me as it feels like crossing a boundary or am I overthinking.

Lavender2015 · 06/10/2025 21:25

I think it’s clear that he is committed to you, I think you need to be clear and honest that he needs to set some solid boundaries with the ex. She clearly still has feelings for him and that she still has possession and entitlement to a relationship with him. I went through something similar at the beginning of my long relationship, my partner realised he had a choice to make between his very special friendship with ex and me. He chose me without a fuss. Sounds like he wants to choose you. Don’t pussyfoot though, it’s you or her.

Original poster

Newusernameforthis123986 · 06/10/2025 21:25

Franpie · 06/10/2025 21:18

Sorry, it’s not clear, so is she now going to stay at his mum’s or is there a chance she still may stay at his?

I think you’re completely justified in saying to him that her messages have made you feel even less comfortable about the whole set up and that you’re not really interested in all this drama so early on in a relationship.

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she has asked him to reconsider and he basically said that he feels that his mums is the best choice. It did seem that he didn’t get a straight answer either way.

OP posts:

beAsensible1 · 06/10/2025 21:27

Newusernameforthis123986 · 06/10/2025 21:13

Right so spoke to him.
he could see how upset I was and understood my point of view so actually contacted his mum (I didn’t know he was gonna do this) after I had left Sunday morning asking if there was a way ex could stay at hers for that weekend. Which she said yes to and he has said was completely fine and understanding about it. He has then messaged and ex today and she has essentially got very upset saying she was “looking forward to seeing him and spending a weekend catching up and spending time together” and that I was trying to “come between their friendship and cause issues” and that she wanted him to reconside. He sent me the screenshots to show me and said he has made it clear after her responses that the offer for his mums is there and makes more sense. He has said that he has left it like that but doesn’t want to drag it out and contact his family more to create drama at his sisters wedding.

honestly even though I can see he has tried I can also see that his ex is gonna still very attached and I honestly do not have the time or energy for pettiness and jealous exes so am undecided on where to go from here.

Ok well she’s cheeky. They can’t “catch up” at the wedding.

if he doesn’t want to stress his family, he can stay at yours or at his mums to stop her causing a scene

Cantsleepdontsleep · 06/10/2025 21:27

Cantsleepdontsleep · 06/10/2025 21:25

I wonder how I would feel in this situation, and then I realise I don’t have to think about it as my husband would never put me in this situation. Therein I think you have your answer. Whatever else, why is he entertaining the idea?

Edited

Sorry, phone hadn’t loaded the full thread. He sounds like a good ‘un.

autienotnaughty · 06/10/2025 21:39

Yeah I wouldn’t like it especially ex deciding you can’t be there. Staying at his mums is a good solution but slating you is unfair. Why didn’t he defend you?

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 06/10/2025 21:41

If it is such a small wedding why is his ex who he will have been separated from nearly 2 years, at the time of the wedding invited? Surely invites were only sent out sometime earlier this year?
I understand if she has remained close with his sister - do they meet up often?
The ex definitely should not be staying the weekend with him and as PPs have said premier Inn/ Travelodge are cheap alternatives. It's still a bit unfair off loading her onto his mum. If she can't afford accommodation then she can't really attend the wedding.

PopcornKitten · 06/10/2025 21:46

Sorry OP but he seems either spineless and too afraid to say no to her and his family or he’s happy for her to stay and will prioritise her feelings over yours. Either option gives me the ick.
please tell him how you feel. It is not up to him to accommodate her. She has plenty of time to make appropriate arrangements. The status wuo has changed since she last stayed as you weren’t a couple then. Now you are so she is the one who needs to find alternative accommodation.
stand your ground and know your worth. (The fact she’s trying to stop you being there is ultra disrespectful)
sorry you are dealing with this.

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 06/10/2025 21:48

Has your BF spoke much about her since you've been together, you say they remain close friends. How often do they talk?, Text?, Email?, Meet up? I think she's always going to be baggage in your relationship and I honestly couldn't be bothered with that.

Original poster

Newusernameforthis123986 · 06/10/2025 21:55

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 06/10/2025 21:48

Has your BF spoke much about her since you've been together, you say they remain close friends. How often do they talk?, Text?, Email?, Meet up? I think she's always going to be baggage in your relationship and I honestly couldn't be bothered with that.

She had been down a couple times since they split. They went to a couple hobby events together earlier in the year where they met half way. They message frequently (I would say a few times a week but I haven’t ask for specifics) it does seem that bf can now see by the reaction that maybe what he saw was a very platonic friendship may be her holding on abit.

I have always been aware that they were still friends but will say I have started to feel more uncomfortable the more he has said recently.

OP posts:

PopcornKitten · 06/10/2025 21:55

I’ve just read your update. It sounds more like he’s a people pleaser and he’s developing a nice shiny spine. He’s told her it’s not appropriate for her to stay at his. It’s not up to him to find her accommodation. He’s said about his mums who she clearly knows so the ball is in her court.
her response would imply she still has feelings. She’s not just ‘oh that’s a pain to find and pay for accommodation’. It’s all about seeing him.
I think discuss some boundaries with him and recognise he’s doing this because it sounds like he’s prioritising you.

FutureMarchionessOfVidal · 06/10/2025 22:07

She has not got over him. She’s very emotionally invested in him even after all this time & having her stay with him is not fair to either her or you.

He needs to set clear boundaries & make it clear he will not have her to stay- for everyone’s sake. Particularly since an alternative is available.

He should also backtrack on the continuing friendship. It is clearly not helping her move on & so keeping it going- though it may perhaps flatter his ego & be pleasant for him - is cruel to her.

If it was a genuine friendship, and just a friendship on her part, she would want to meet you & get to know you. That’s how friendship works.

If he lets her stay after this, & keeps up the friendship, he will be stringing her along- perhaps not consciously, but still not fair to anyone, & very unattractive. No-one wants a boyfriend who comes with a sad ex still clinging possessively to him and demanding one on one time.

Original poster

Newusernameforthis123986 · 06/10/2025 22:16

FutureMarchionessOfVidal · 06/10/2025 22:07

She has not got over him. She’s very emotionally invested in him even after all this time & having her stay with him is not fair to either her or you.

He needs to set clear boundaries & make it clear he will not have her to stay- for everyone’s sake. Particularly since an alternative is available.

He should also backtrack on the continuing friendship. It is clearly not helping her move on & so keeping it going- though it may perhaps flatter his ego & be pleasant for him - is cruel to her.

If it was a genuine friendship, and just a friendship on her part, she would want to meet you & get to know you. That’s how friendship works.

If he lets her stay after this, & keeps up the friendship, he will be stringing her along- perhaps not consciously, but still not fair to anyone, & very unattractive. No-one wants a boyfriend who comes with a sad ex still clinging possessively to him and demanding one on one time.

I must admit I have found myself thinking that he probably should go nc after the wedding (if she decides to go) and that will show me that he also wants to prioritise us but also that he wants her to move on which she clearly isn’t. Obviously that is not something I can ask or tell him to do as it needs to be his decision.

OP posts:

Mumstheword1983 · 06/10/2025 22:20

FutureMarchionessOfVidal · 06/10/2025 22:07

She has not got over him. She’s very emotionally invested in him even after all this time & having her stay with him is not fair to either her or you.

He needs to set clear boundaries & make it clear he will not have her to stay- for everyone’s sake. Particularly since an alternative is available.

He should also backtrack on the continuing friendship. It is clearly not helping her move on & so keeping it going- though it may perhaps flatter his ego & be pleasant for him - is cruel to her.

If it was a genuine friendship, and just a friendship on her part, she would want to meet you & get to know you. That’s how friendship works.

If he lets her stay after this, & keeps up the friendship, he will be stringing her along- perhaps not consciously, but still not fair to anyone, & very unattractive. No-one wants a boyfriend who comes with a sad ex still clinging possessively to him and demanding one on one time.

This.

Dery · 06/10/2025 22:23

Yes - @FutureMarchionessOfVidal has nailed this. Your BF’s ex is clearly not over him and he needs to cut the ties to help her move on.

PopcornKitten · 06/10/2025 22:27

FutureMarchionessOfVidal · 06/10/2025 22:07

She has not got over him. She’s very emotionally invested in him even after all this time & having her stay with him is not fair to either her or you.

He needs to set clear boundaries & make it clear he will not have her to stay- for everyone’s sake. Particularly since an alternative is available.

He should also backtrack on the continuing friendship. It is clearly not helping her move on & so keeping it going- though it may perhaps flatter his ego & be pleasant for him - is cruel to her.

If it was a genuine friendship, and just a friendship on her part, she would want to meet you & get to know you. That’s how friendship works.

If he lets her stay after this, & keeps up the friendship, he will be stringing her along- perhaps not consciously, but still not fair to anyone, & very unattractive. No-one wants a boyfriend who comes with a sad ex still clinging possessively to him and demanding one on one time.

100% this.
He needs to break away so she can move on. All the while they’re in contact it’s feeding her desire to be back with him.

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 06/10/2025 22:36

Newusernameforthis123986 · 06/10/2025 21:55

She had been down a couple times since they split. They went to a couple hobby events together earlier in the year where they met half way. They message frequently (I would say a few times a week but I haven’t ask for specifics) it does seem that bf can now see by the reaction that maybe what he saw was a very platonic friendship may be her holding on abit.

I have always been aware that they were still friends but will say I have started to feel more uncomfortable the more he has said recently.

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I agree with you, she's probably been trying to keep a friendship with him in the hope they'd get back together and I agree with other PPs that she hasn't gotten over him or their break up.
I agree you can't make decisions for him or tell him who he can be friends with, but him continuing a friendship with her really isn't helping her move on, but more importantly isn't fair on you.

terriblemuriel2 · 06/10/2025 22:46

This is all so weird. A small, intimate, family wedding….but his ex has got an invite?

She sounds like she’s still wildly in love with him and it’s very unfair for you to be in this position. I get at this early stage you maybe don’t want to look like a trouble causer or controlling girlfriend but honestly, the lot of them are being so rude and inconsiderate towards your feelings. The ex will be loving stirring up all of this drama and leaving you on the sidelines while she is back in the family fold. What ex in their right mind dictates when the new partner can be around. And more to the point why is he validating her feelings at the expense of yours?! It’s madness.

I’d be laying it on the line for him and depending on his response it may be a deal breaker.

Sandysellman · 06/10/2025 23:02

You wait for your MR right to come along on day ! You'll know as there won't be red flags like this ! 6 months is nothing compared to 6 years of being around them always that niggling feeling something slight will happen in company or said and start re asking yourself hmmmmnnnn! Keep your eyes and your head open wide ! Don't make a mistake ! I know myself even after having kids

Omgblueskys · 07/10/2025 07:14

Newusernameforthis123986 · 06/10/2025 21:25

she has asked him to reconsider and he basically said that he feels that his mums is the best choice. It did seem that he didn’t get a straight answer either way.

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Op he doesn't need her to answer, she's stays at his mums, thats it,
Good for your bf to stand hid ground op , and who does she think she is, picking up when ever its suits ,

EachandEveryone · 07/10/2025 09:00

Why hasn’t she got the money for a travel lodge?

DaisyChain505 · 07/10/2025 09:02

You or your partner can’t control the fact that she’s been invited to the wedding.

the issue here is that he’s letting her stay in his house. This isn’t ok and if he had any respect for you he wouldn’t let this happen.

Branleuse · 07/10/2025 09:40

The issue is also that its a small family wedding, and all of them thought it was normal to invite the ex and her stay with your boyfriend, including himself, and for you not to be invited and to have to stay away.
I actually think this is going to get even more awkward. I would have alarm bells ringing.
Theyll all be seeing you as some sort of intruder, usurping. This was an opportunity to get to know you and welcome you. They decided to make a point.

AC246 · 07/10/2025 09:53

She is still very into him and that is clear.
Him entertaining her at all is him having his ego stroked.
His family still consider them a thing and you are his bit on the side.

I would be tellimg him that he is welcome to go back to her but that you havd no interest in such teenage drama.

Him texting her multiple times a week when she is clearly still into him is inappropriate.

Step away from it OP, he is getting kicks from this.
She's welcome to him.

Omgblueskys · 07/10/2025 09:58

PopcornKitten · 06/10/2025 22:27

100% this.
He needs to break away so she can move on. All the while they’re in contact it’s feeding her desire to be back with him.

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She's playing with him, using him if she can, she's over him just convenient for her needs, so she's invited to the wedding she's going play happy families all the photos of her with op bf, the stay at his 2 bed flat, who the fuck does she think she is ,

Bf right to nip this , yes she can stay at families instead,

Hopefully he will keep his distance at wedding too,

Original poster

Newusernameforthis123986 · 07/10/2025 09:59

Branleuse · 07/10/2025 09:40

The issue is also that its a small family wedding, and all of them thought it was normal to invite the ex and her stay with your boyfriend, including himself, and for you not to be invited and to have to stay away.
I actually think this is going to get even more awkward. I would have alarm bells ringing.
Theyll all be seeing you as some sort of intruder, usurping. This was an opportunity to get to know you and welcome you. They decided to make a point.

I don’t think that’s the case at all. I can completely understand them not wanting random person they met twice to a family event. I also do understand that they have known ex for years and she is very close to the family. They went away together, she was an apart of the family so her meeting the close family friend label at the moment makes sense, I do think especially after her behaviour towards bf that hopefully things will start to slowly phase out and although I hope bf limits contact I definitely don’t think his family have to do the same if they don’t want to. Bf and I are both taking things slower due to me having kids and him getting out of a longer relationship. The issue was the staying the weekend and making it very obvious she hates the fact that he is moving on.

we definetly have been looking to build a future together but I probably wouldn’t have him at family events right now myself due to kids so not being invited to the wedding didn’t upset me. I wouldn’t have been able to go anyway as if it is my weekend with the kids that takes priority.

OP posts: