Bf ex going to sisters wedding and staying weekend

[Newusernameforthis123986]

Going to keep this as quick as possible and try not to be too outing.

bf has an ex broke up 18 months ago was together 5 years. No kids and was not married We have been together around 6 months recently met his family but still early days. We get on really well.

his ex has been invited to his sisters wedding at the end of year. I haven’t which is fine as new relationship and the wedding is small and they are having 30 people. She will be staying at bf for weekend as she lives accross the country and says she cannot afford a hotel. She has asked me not to be round that weekend as that would make her uncomfortable (can’t anyway as it’s my weekend with kids) but I still feel very uncomfortable. I have said it is slightly strange how she has specifically asked for to not be there and also wants to go to a very intimate close family wedding but he has said that it isn’t really on him in regards to the wedding list and he doesn’t want to be rude saying she can’t stay. I am thinking this may be a deal breaker for me as it feels like crossing a boundary or am I overthinking.

Agree with this.
I think he just didn’t want to hurt her , but unfortunately, he has learnt, that’s not always possible.
It’s still early days , but I think , out it behind you now , focus on the present

Agree he’s a wet blanket. ‘People Pleaser’ is not a compliment - it describes someone with poor communication and boundaries - and who is so conflict averse that they live with seething resentment and contempt.

The nasty things she said about you and your relationship - how did he respond to her?

Why does she have to stay with your BF? And why does she want you out of the way?
Sounds a bit suspect to me? She'll presumably be getting tarted up for the wedding and drink will be involved - she could be after a bit from him.

found out yesterday that he hasn’t exactly been truthful to me. He was worried it would come out so decided it was best to tell me first. It wasn’t anything when were together but it was still lies that would have changed my opinions on them going to things or her coming down to events etc. I have asked for some space but have a feeling that I will probably end up walking away.

I am sorry to hear your update. To be honest I couldn’t have coped with them still being in touch as much as they were.

Oh I’m sorry to hear this OP. Why are men so bloody disappointing.

Now he's trickle truthing.

I'm sorry but better to find out now rather than later after you had introduced him to your kids. He lied and there's no coming back from lying, especially with so much drama around it. You can't trust that it wasn't anything when you were together and they were going to spend a weekend together coming up and it would have happened if you hadn't voiced your discomfort.

You have dodged a nasty bullet by being straightforward and proactive.

I’m sorry to hear this, OP. I was thinking that he had been naive and was working with you honestly. I’m assuming that what he has since revealed is that after their split they were effectively friends with benefits? This would also explain the wedding invite.
is he now no contact with her?
take your time and protect your peace.
only you know how you can best deal with this. Reflect on everything.

Basically he never slept on the sofa when she stayed and on two occasions after the breakup there was some level of intimacy. He also admitted that even though he had decided to stay on the sofa they hadn’t exactly spoke about where she or he was going to sleep so she was probably coming down expecting to share a bed.

feel quite stupid if I’m honest. I should have guessed with then still being in a lot of contact.

he said to me yesterday that he had not replied since she sent the unkind messages.

And he probably would have shared it with her, considering he'd agreed with her that you wouldn't be at his that weekend. So sorry this has happened to you. Maybe he will say absolutely no contact from now on, that may be forgivable.

If you read back, early on quite a few responses didn't feel their relationship was platonic. She wouldn't have felt that level of entitlement. She thought she had dibs on him for the weekend and if you hadn't shared how you felt, they would have had another intimate weekend. I think he's trickle truthing and possibly not all because she's likely told him she's going to spill the tea on him.

He led her on. He lied to you. He really takes the easiest way out. He's not a good guy as a bf.

It's time to take that space and tell him to leave you alone. If the old gf tries to contact you, shut her down. You don't need more details.

All the intimacy was prior to you dating I’m assuming but she was obviously thinking the friends with benefits would continue especially as he hadn’t shut her down. Is he prepared to now?

I think a lot will depend on his actions now. And how you feel. Can you and do you want to move on from this?
as I said take your time, don’t be hasty.
if you continue with him then make your boundaries clear.
throughout all of this you have kept your dignity.

Kudos to you for sensing something is amiss and not just playing “cool girlfriend”. Were they intimate when you two were already dating?

And there you have it.
Crossed my mind but thought I would be bad minded to suggest it.
He's not good enough for you OP, I really hope you dump his sorry ass.

I suspect that she’s livid about the invitation withdrawal so has threatened to tell you all about them - that’s why he’s ’come clean’ now - not because he had a crisis of conscience.

Move on he is untrustworthy.

For me the main issue was he was prepared for her to stay despite knowing her expectations. Things had changed, he was with you, and if you had not made it clear you were uncomfortable to the point he thought you might end it, they would still be chatting regularly and sleeping in a bed together in a few months. He lied to you when you asked him what happened previously because he knew it was wrong. He’s really messed up.

Saying that, it’s not easy to find someone you can connect with, so if you do really like him I don’t think it’s necessarily something you have to break up over. In the end he was honest and made it clear you are his priority. But going forward he will need to go no contact with her. That is the result of his actions. Their relationship is inappropriate if he has a girlfriend.

Most likely too.
Also most likely if you hadn't objected he would have carried on.

Weak, untrustworthy, dishonourable, simply put, not good enough for you.

She has every reason to be pissed off.
He's used her, messed her around, used her sexually knowing she still cares about him.
Awful pathetic loser.

I don't know. I think he was a bit off to dump his ex and then sleep with her- it's unkind. But it does happen. I've done it, much to my shame.
The thing that would give me most pause is the fact that he was willing to have her to stay even given this context, and that it was your interjection that stopped this from happening. I'm not saying he would have slept with her- no-one knows what might have happened- but it would have been so easy to say "that doesn't feel appropriate, I'm in a committed relationship now." He sounds a bit weak, more than anything, and that would put me off.

Sorry to hear your latest update, OP. I was thinking this might have been a dozy but innocent fuck-up on his part but clearly not. He’s been rather cruel to her really and stopped her moving on.

@Newusernameforthis123986 so he is the wrong one and causing trouble not the “ex” who’s not an ex .

No wonder she was full of emotion .
Yes I think you need to end it , he can’t be trusted .

He tried to juggle - now he's dropped the balls.

I'd say he'd led her on, put her in a handy 'friends with benefits' box instead of doing the decent thing and ending contact. It suited him to have her on tap, messing with her feelings and probably giving her the idea that there was still the possibility of getting back together.

She obviously was aware of you, which doesn't speak well of her knowingly pursuing a man in a relationship.

But we do fucking stupid things when emotions are in control.

He obviously gave her the impression that this would be their weekend - and his backtracking made her very angry. Disappointment and thwarted ambition.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

I bet she threatened to tell you and he decided to get in first and do some damage limitation.

I initially thought he was a limp wet lettuce. I've changed my mind - he's a conniving deceiver trying to have two on the go.

I would let this one go op.

Lying is never good.

my biggest issue is that he was having her over when she thought she was sharing a bed with him. That he had not corrected her. Has made me feel very uncomfortable. Even thing that would have been obviously crossing a major boundary for me it was messing with his ex to which I don’t like.

So you are convinced he would have corrected her? Your biggest issue should be that he more than likely would have shared a bed with her. Either that or that they were both planning on having sex in that bed. Sleep on the sofa my arse.

I had previously been told that’s what had happened when she was down. Apart from one time at an event

stupid me believed it.