Bf ex going to sisters wedding and staying weekend

[Newusernameforthis123986]

Going to keep this as quick as possible and try not to be too outing.

bf has an ex broke up 18 months ago was together 5 years. No kids and was not married We have been together around 6 months recently met his family but still early days. We get on really well.

his ex has been invited to his sisters wedding at the end of year. I haven’t which is fine as new relationship and the wedding is small and they are having 30 people. She will be staying at bf for weekend as she lives accross the country and says she cannot afford a hotel. She has asked me not to be round that weekend as that would make her uncomfortable (can’t anyway as it’s my weekend with kids) but I still feel very uncomfortable. I have said it is slightly strange how she has specifically asked for to not be there and also wants to go to a very intimate close family wedding but he has said that it isn’t really on him in regards to the wedding list and he doesn’t want to be rude saying she can’t stay. I am thinking this may be a deal breaker for me as it feels like crossing a boundary or am I overthinking.

You've only been with him for 6 months. That isn't even long enough to know someone properly, but he's certainly given an indication or two as to who he really is. He's causing this amount of angst, after so short a period of time?

Your choice entirely whether you stay or walk away from this bloke, but IMO your earlier instincts were correct. I'd be filing this one under the heading of 'more trouble than he's worth!'

@Newusernameforthis123986 having read all your posts, I have never felt your DP was/is interested in the ex. I also took from it that he really wants things with you to work. I also took that he doesn’t want the wedding to get messed up and regrets not being firmer. I don’t think he’d have told you any of it if you weren’t his focus - but I do think he made a bad initial decision which he regrets and now it’s got even messier. I think I would try to give the benefit of the doubt and see what happens. But I appreciate you may not feel the same (and who knows if I would, if I were actually living it). I guess I think if you end it now, she wins, when actually everyone’s just trying not to mess the wedding up/didn’t want to be mean. Especially as the ex ended up being uninvited (should have happened sooner but this is what happens when you have many people involved.

edited because I hit Submit by accident

Not stupid, just hopeful. If this is a very new relationship, maybe it's salvageable, only you know that. Give it some space.

Yes, you were trusting and a bit naive.
When you are not a lying cheating toad yourself it is hard to ascribe such behaviour easily in another.

This is who he is.
Be careful of being talked around by a cheating liar, you will regret it.
He has only admitted the truth because this has blown up in his face, remember that.

I think that its quite uncommon for a bloke to just end a relationship without a backup, so i think id be questioning even more now hes already proved himself a liar

Whilst I don’t think he has behaved impeccably, I also think it’s quite common for exes to have the occasional hookup after they split and I can understand why he wouldn’t necessarily disclose this.

it wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me if he seems like a good guy overall

Yeah. A 6 month relationship isn’t really long enough to dictate any terms. 🤷‍♀️. Either trust him or don’t.

He didn't correct her because he would have had sex with her. A little intimate weekend at a wedding with drinking and feelings running high, he wasn't going to be sleeping on the sofa. He does the easy thing, not the difficult thing and he handles conflict by getting someone else to handle it. He's also really immature.

He lied about having sex with her before. The only reason he's come clean is he's afraid she's going to come to you and spill her guts and he's going to look like a liar who's strung both of you along and lied to both of you.

If you hadn't spoken up, this weekend would have happened. And I don't know when you were planning on introducing him to your kids, but don't. They don't need to be exposed to his bullshit. He's not long term relationship material

I didn’t dictate terms. I never told him I didn’t want her to go to the wedding or even stay the weekend. I told him I was uncomfortable with her being over. I don’t think it is wrong to have discussions about what are suitable boundaries when it comes to exes and different situations if you are in a relationship that you see having a future.

This 100%

OP you absolutely did the right thing in laying out boundaries. Don’t listen to anyone who implies otherwise. You didn’t make yourself into the “cool girl” and had standards. That then led him to show that he’s well below yours. Kudos for how you handled this. Chin up.

Horrible thing for his sister to do but I'd be wary of him not doing anything about it.

I actually feel kind of bad for her, sounds as if he was stringing her along good and proper. That said, if he didn't cheat on you with her, and if he goes NC, then I think I would be able to move on as she does sound like a bit of a bunny boiler. Hopefully he'll have learned his lesson.

I also feel bad for his ex, I think the wedding invite and him saying it was okay to stay at his made her feel like she still had a chance. Knowing you weren’t going to the wedding and then previously sleeping in the same bed, she may have thought he still had lingering feelings.

I also think you’re well within your right to talk to him about things that are uncomfortable and in your position I personally wouldn’t have been okay with her staying over. You made it clear you’re not there to be messed around with and that’s great. He really needed to step up and be honest with his ex, his family and with you.

I think now he should fully cut contact as he says he has and give her the chance to move on properly.
Then you two can figure out what’s next for you both.

He’s given her hope by sleeping with her post break up. She’s obviously feeling territorial. I’m assuming the flat is where they lived together before breaking up so feels entitled to stay there. She’s gone way. Over the top with her demands not to see you etc, that absolutely isn’t her choice. I think his sister sounds very sensible, she must have realised that the ex’s behaviour was really silly and likely to damage her brother’s current relationship.

I think he was protecting you/minimising when he said he stayed on the sofa. I’m hoping this wasn’t while he was with you?