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Original poster

Bf ex going to sisters wedding and staying weekend

265 replies

Newusernameforthis123986 · 05/10/2025 21:59

Going to keep this as quick as possible and try not to be too outing.

bf has an ex broke up 18 months ago was together 5 years. No kids and was not married We have been together around 6 months recently met his family but still early days. We get on really well.

his ex has been invited to his sisters wedding at the end of year. I haven’t which is fine as new relationship and the wedding is small and they are having 30 people. She will be staying at bf for weekend as she lives accross the country and says she cannot afford a hotel. She has asked me not to be round that weekend as that would make her uncomfortable (can’t anyway as it’s my weekend with kids) but I still feel very uncomfortable. I have said it is slightly strange how she has specifically asked for to not be there and also wants to go to a very intimate close family wedding but he has said that it isn’t really on him in regards to the wedding list and he doesn’t want to be rude saying she can’t stay. I am thinking this may be a deal breaker for me as it feels like crossing a boundary or am I overthinking.

OP posts:
Honeybunny75 · 06/10/2025 14:40

They will be shagging
He could easily say no to her staying at his house,he said yes because he wants her there .

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 06/10/2025 14:40

It's weird your BF doesn't get a +1 to his sister's wedding. I would be seriously uncomfortable with this.

Lurkingandlearning · 06/10/2025 14:45

Have been told that if he asked her to get a hotel then she would not be able to afford it and would then not come which could be awkward for him with his family who seem to think that it would be nice if she was there

As it is important to them, they should be clubbing together to pay for her hotel room if she can’t afford one: and if they have any consideration for your feelings. I don’t believe they are oblivious to how you might feel about this. I don’t think you ABU. Most people wouldn’t be ok with this. I think I would end the relationship.

Original poster
Newusernameforthis123986 · 06/10/2025 14:46

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 06/10/2025 14:40

It's weird your BF doesn't get a +1 to his sister's wedding. I would be seriously uncomfortable with this.

To be fair it does seem like it is a small only the closest family and a couple of family friends wedding so I can kind of understand why she doesn’t want someone she has met twice coming. I also would not be able to go regardless.

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 06/10/2025 14:46

Newusernameforthis123986 · 06/10/2025 13:36

By the sounds of it it was just presumed by her that she would stay with him as she has a couple times in the past after she moved out when she had something down here (before we were together).

me finding out about her dictating was when I asked a few questions about sleeping arrangements (1 bed flat) I mentioned that I felt abit uncomfortable about her being there for the whole weekend and me not being there due to kids which is when he said she had already said she was not ready to meet me and had asked that i wasn’t there. Have been told that if he asked her to get a hotel then she would not be able to afford it and would then not come which could be awkward for him with his family who seem to think that it would be nice if she was there. It just all feels odd to me.

i do think a lot of it comes down to the fact that he seems to have a very people pleasing attitude and didn’t think it would be a big deal.

The family can put her up then if they are so keen on her coming? Sounds batshit crazy in regards to boundaries to me.

This would be a dealbreaker for me. Tell your bf he's free to do what he wants but that for you this isn't something you're OK with.

Frostynoman · 06/10/2025 14:47

She either wants to have the power with him or have sex with him (or both..?)

Poppingby · 06/10/2025 14:51

At the end of the year? Being generous if it's at the end of November she could save £15 per week from now til then and afford a night in a pretty nice hotel. Or put it on a credit card and pay it off in instalments. Or book a room in someone who isn't her ex's house via airbnb for a much cheaper price.

The fact he seems unaware that you might have a problem with this arrangement is enough for me to say you should ditch him. Their lives are still too entwined. I'm sorry though.

Epidote · 06/10/2025 14:54

She asking for you not to be around and his family and him saying "yes, my dear" is the deal breaker.

Francestein · 06/10/2025 14:58

Are you certain that they have actually broken up? You’re being treated like the bit on the side.

Original poster
Newusernameforthis123986 · 06/10/2025 15:09

Francestein · 06/10/2025 14:58

Are you certain that they have actually broken up? You’re being treated like the bit on the side.

Yes definitely broken up

OP posts:
NorthernLass2025 · 06/10/2025 15:10

I would find the staying with your bf bizarre and if your bf cared he would say no but the rest is fine

OchreRaven · 06/10/2025 15:15

He ‘apparently’ ended it so there is good chance if she wants to stay with him that she has unresolved feelings. I mean who wants to stay with their ex that dumped them??

I understand she has stayed with him before prior to your relationship but the only thing he needed to consider then was his own comfort. Now you’re in a relationship your feelings count too. Don’t be frightened of telling him your needs. If you are afraid that asking him to make a choice will result in him choosing her then do you really want to be part of this?

You need to look out for yourself. Don’t waste the next few months worrying about what will happen at the wedding and then the months after trying to work out whether he cheated. Trust is built on trustworthy behaviour you shouldn’t give someone your trust blindly when their actions do not deserve it. What he is asking you to accept is completely unreasonable. If it is because he doesn’t want to upset anyone then he needs to grow a backbone and decide what is important to him. And if it isn’t you then he needs to be honest and let you move on. He can find a solution like paying for a holiday inn for her (or him!) or staying with you or his family while she’s in town and giving her his place. Lots of options that don’t leave the two of them in close proximity alone with alcohol and a highly emotional event.

Original poster
Newusernameforthis123986 · 06/10/2025 15:16

i think I’ll talk to him on Tuesday when we see eachother and just say that it is a dealbreaker for her to stay in the flat and that I would like him to try and make other arrangements and see how it goes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newusernameforthis123986 · 06/10/2025 15:20

OchreRaven · 06/10/2025 15:15

He ‘apparently’ ended it so there is good chance if she wants to stay with him that she has unresolved feelings. I mean who wants to stay with their ex that dumped them??

I understand she has stayed with him before prior to your relationship but the only thing he needed to consider then was his own comfort. Now you’re in a relationship your feelings count too. Don’t be frightened of telling him your needs. If you are afraid that asking him to make a choice will result in him choosing her then do you really want to be part of this?

You need to look out for yourself. Don’t waste the next few months worrying about what will happen at the wedding and then the months after trying to work out whether he cheated. Trust is built on trustworthy behaviour you shouldn’t give someone your trust blindly when their actions do not deserve it. What he is asking you to accept is completely unreasonable. If it is because he doesn’t want to upset anyone then he needs to grow a backbone and decide what is important to him. And if it isn’t you then he needs to be honest and let you move on. He can find a solution like paying for a holiday inn for her (or him!) or staying with you or his family while she’s in town and giving her his place. Lots of options that don’t leave the two of them in close proximity alone with alcohol and a highly emotional event.

I did consider inviting him to stay at mine but didn’t want that to look controlling. Also hasn’t met dc yet and I was wanting to wait for a little while longer.

OP posts:
Bringitonicancope · 06/10/2025 15:21

I asked a few questions about sleeping arrangements (1 bed flat)

Well no wonder they don't want you coming to his home while she is staying there because you will see quite clearly what the sleeping arrangements are.

They really are trying to take you for a fool OP.

JustMyView13 · 06/10/2025 15:21

The Ex being invited to the wedding - no issue. It's a small gig, but likely she is close enough to the sister. Not your wedding, not your business.
The Ex staying at BFs would be my boundary totally crossed.
I would be really clear and say - I'm not comfortable with ex staying at yours the weekend of the wedding. From my perspective, she should be staying somewhere else (ANYWHERE ELSE!!), and if she's not able to attend due to affordability then sobeit. This is a non-negotiable for me.

If he's really into you, then he will say - of course, I'll speak to her, I'm sorry I made you feel this way. If he tries to defend the position, justify the sleepover or anything else then just walk away. His actions now will tell you everything you need to know about any potential future together.

This isn't you being controlling, it's you asking to be shown some respect.

SpryUmberZebra · 06/10/2025 15:22

Bobbie12345678 · 05/10/2025 22:03

You are overthinking. You have to either trust him or not. Her request is fair. His sister inviting her is fair.

Her request is NOT fair. Yes there nothing wrong if she was invited to the wedding given her relationship with the bride but she should be staying at a hotel or sorting herself out and she definitely should not be dictating that OP should not be there. That’s taking the piss.

What would she have done if OP was invited?

bumbaloo · 06/10/2025 15:29

Newusernameforthis123986 · 06/10/2025 13:36

By the sounds of it it was just presumed by her that she would stay with him as she has a couple times in the past after she moved out when she had something down here (before we were together).

me finding out about her dictating was when I asked a few questions about sleeping arrangements (1 bed flat) I mentioned that I felt abit uncomfortable about her being there for the whole weekend and me not being there due to kids which is when he said she had already said she was not ready to meet me and had asked that i wasn’t there. Have been told that if he asked her to get a hotel then she would not be able to afford it and would then not come which could be awkward for him with his family who seem to think that it would be nice if she was there. It just all feels odd to me.

i do think a lot of it comes down to the fact that he seems to have a very people pleasing attitude and didn’t think it would be a big deal.

Nah. Premier Inn is cheap if she can afford to travel and buy a gift she can afford a cheap room

and dictating your movements? Ha. No.

and after 18 months if she’s still struggling with the split then there is no way he should be opening his home or even being ‘close’ friends.

they need distance for her to get over it. It’s been 18 months and she’s still raw enough to ‘not be ready to meet you’.

honey please. If this is how low he prioritises you now, it’s only going to get worse.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 06/10/2025 15:30

Given your later posts - you need to be clear her staying with him is a red line for you.

He can’t please everyone so he can keep his ex or his current GF happy, that should be an easy choice.

Id also suggest if his family really want her to be there, then one of them offer her a bed for the weekend. (If need be, he hosts a different relative who otherwise would be staying with his parents/relations.)

Snorlaxo · 06/10/2025 15:32

If you decide to stick with the relationship then keep an eye on what you call his people pleasing tendencies. I predict it won’t be the last time that he prioritizes someone else’s feelings over yours.

I think that it’s fine that she’s invited to the wedding but somebody else in the family needs to house her overnight or pay for a hotel.

RealEagle · 06/10/2025 15:36

She’s not ready to meet you . What the fuck is that all about?

CantThinkOfAnotherUsernane · 06/10/2025 15:39

So she can afford to travel across the country, attend the wedding plus the expense that comes with attending a wedding but she can’t afford a premier inn for a couple of nights? Yeah she’s taking the piss.
Your partner should be putting your feelings before his ex’s demands and if he can’t or won’t then he’s showing you that he has zero respect for you.

Franpie · 06/10/2025 15:49

It would be totally normal for him to say that as he’s in a new relationship that it’s inappropriate for her to stay with him.

If he’s not willing to do that then you have your answer really.

MoominMai · 06/10/2025 15:54

Newusernameforthis123986 · 06/10/2025 15:20

I did consider inviting him to stay at mine but didn’t want that to look controlling. Also hasn’t met dc yet and I was wanting to wait for a little while longer.

Show quote history

He should really have had the brains to request that himself. I would feel disrespected if a BF of mine did this. Not a problem if was a female friend and he’s doing her a favour (and she hadn’t ordered me away) but this is on another level.

As PP said, he’s either a wet lettuce or he still has feelings for her. I wouldn’t be hanging around to find out quite frankly. Where would it end? His family obviously like her and she seems to enjoy still engaging with her past so nope, nope, nope!

Dozer · 06/10/2025 16:01

This would be a dealbreaker for me.