Bf ex going to sisters wedding and staying weekend

[Newusernameforthis123986]

Going to keep this as quick as possible and try not to be too outing.

bf has an ex broke up 18 months ago was together 5 years. No kids and was not married We have been together around 6 months recently met his family but still early days. We get on really well.

his ex has been invited to his sisters wedding at the end of year. I haven’t which is fine as new relationship and the wedding is small and they are having 30 people. She will be staying at bf for weekend as she lives accross the country and says she cannot afford a hotel. She has asked me not to be round that weekend as that would make her uncomfortable (can’t anyway as it’s my weekend with kids) but I still feel very uncomfortable. I have said it is slightly strange how she has specifically asked for to not be there and also wants to go to a very intimate close family wedding but he has said that it isn’t really on him in regards to the wedding list and he doesn’t want to be rude saying she can’t stay. I am thinking this may be a deal breaker for me as it feels like crossing a boundary or am I overthinking.

I don’t think he is getting kicks from this. He genuinely seems stressed by the situation and did seem worried this could end us. He sent the screenshots for pure transparency as I think even he is now starting to realise that she thinks the family being kind and him maintaining a friendship is indicative of something more then it is so did not want to hide anything from me.

Even though I am still worried about pettiness on her part and have considered backing away if it gets to much, i definitely don’t think there is malice on his part or he planned on doing anything. I do think the issue with him is that he was just trying to be nice.

Your bf family would do well to step back from the ex gf relationship as she's not with your bf any more and he needs to move on from her. It sounds as though he's doing the right thing, having contacted his mum independently to source other accommodation arrangements and showing you the texts. I'd probably give him a chance, but only if you're sure he won't get drunk/nostalgic at the wedding and end up taking her home with him anyway. Be wary though OP. If the sister considers the ex a close enough friend to include her at such a small intimate wedding, then she'll probably try and shoehorn her in to other family events. Hopefully your bf will step up and set much firmer boundaries so that she (and his family) gets the message, as she's definitely not over him and trying to engineer a situation where they can be in close proximity.

She is controlling and manipulative. And clearly trying to keep him on the hook. Watch her.

Is he the teeniest bit scared of her - anything to placate her and avoid a scene? Is that why he left?

Also - does his family wish they were still together? Are they trying to engineer something?

Keep telling him 'your ex does not get to dictate to you how you treat me. And if you're prioritising her feelings over mine, then we have a problem. Now - what are you going to do?'

See if he mans up and identifies his priorities.

She’s massively overstepping and being disrespectful of your relationship. There’s no need. Hotels exist.

Your boyfriend doesn’t care about you at all to put you in this situation.

This.

It's kind to be clear and that's what your BF needs to do here, both for his ex and you. If he's truly over her and she's clinging on to a friendship in hopes of getting him back, that's unhealthy to let that go on. Look how she's trying to control him because he's let this relationship linger on past its normal expiration date. It feeds her hopes and expectipns and sets up more controlling and disrespectful behaviour.

His family is also feeding her expectations by inviting her to their intimate gatherings. They haven't been together for a year and a half, he's moved on, and they're not including his gf. After 6 months, he should be able to bring you to a family wedding. Excluding his current gf is disrespectful.

This is your relationship make or break moment. He has to be clear with both ex and his family that they're done and his gf can't be left out in the cold to placate his ex.

Is it possible that your boyfriend's family see you - as a single mum with children - as having too much baggage for their son and are trying to still encourage him to give it a go with the ex-girlfriend?

You seem happy with the way your relationship is progressing so don’t worry about others opinions on whether you should have been invited to the wedding or more welcomed by his family. It will happen in time if it is meant to.

I think this ex could remain a problem, especially if she tries to maintain relationships with his family, but it’s really good that your bf recognised this off his own back without you having to say it. It shows he really does value you and your relationship. I think it’s fair to express your concerns that the level of communication is probably making it hard for her to move on even if it is done with good intentions. Then leave it and see how he decides to deal with it. You want a man who can take responsibility for his own life and relationships. Not someone you have to spoon feed to do the right thing.

Good luck- sounds like he’s a great guy.

Yeah, fuck that.

I think that was what OP worried about!

In his messages to his ex, did he say that he wasn't comfortable with her staying with him, given there is only 1 bed and they are broken up/he is happy in a new relationship? Or that he doesn't necessarily want to spend a full weekend with her? Bec from your post, it seems like he's telling her that it would just be easier for her to stay with his mum. Why say easier? Why not just say that he's not happy for her to stay with him? He's not doing anything wrong by wanting to prioritise his new gf, so why is he being so vague with his ex about it?

I get that he doesn't want to cause drama on the day, but telling ex - ahead of the event - that he doesn't want her to stay with him should actually prevent drama on the day.

Highly doubt it as his sister is actually blending her family (both have kids from previous relationships) and his parents are divorced.

his family have had no issue with me whatsoever. We have got on. ATbh I’m sure if bf asked by the sounds of his conversation with his mum I may be able to go but like I said I can’t. My parents had a big anniversary party over the summer that I didn’t bring bf to. Not because I don’t see a future but because I am trying to take this slower for the kids sake.

this is what he originally said to her obviously name changes.i originally didn’t want to put everything down but at this point it probably just makes sense to

hey Julie, how are you? Look I know we had planned for you to stay at mine for Mia’s wedding but given the fact that rose and I are getting more serious it is gonna make more sense for you to stay somewhere else. I have spoken to mum is happy for you to stay. I hope you understand.

when she got upset is he said that he felt this was the best and easiest solution.

that's very good (didn't mean to make you put names, OP - I was just looking out for you bec your bf should make it clear that you are the special one in his life now). I think it's great he said what he did.

OP, you sound like a nice woman, but don't be afraid to hold your boundary here.
It really is ok to display self respect and disinterest in being with some who doesn't respect your clear boundary.
If he wishes to remain tight friends with an dx that clearly still has feelings for him, that is HOS choice.
But I would be making it calmly clear, such messiness holds zero appeal to you.
I wouldn't be chasing him.
I would be letting him off.
If he doesn't fix this ruthlessly, he really isn't that into you.
Sorry!
Protect yourself.

So saw bf last night as planned and turns out that unfortunately ex seems to be making some trouble, she has contacted bf sister telling her that she is now upset and worried about coming to the wedding as she feels like it’s all going to seem different and that she feels that I am trying to come between her and them and that she is worried I am controlling what bf does. By the sounds of it his sister said she just seems very upset and not in a great place but also she said she did say to her she would not be offended if she decided not to come. Bf has also said that he also is quite surprised by what seems like quite an extreme reaction to her not staying with him. Bf also has not heard from her and neither has his mum. I have said that I definetly do not think she is over the breakup but I also have decided that I don’t want to give too much opinions or get the middle of anything. It does suddenly feel like the whole situation may be a bit messy (although hoping that this may be the last time she is invited to events given her behaviour)

I think the way she is now behaving is a confirmation that while your BF is over her, she is anything BUT over him. You did the right thing in laying down boundaries @Newusernameforthis123986

Bloody hell, this is why you don’t stay friends with an ex. Ever. I get you have to co-parent well etc but this is a prime example of doing no one any favours by staying in contact. It doesn’t extinguish the flame fully.

Of course it will seem different. She can't pretend she's the current gf staying with him if she has to stay elsewhere. She's trying to hold onto the past and this weekend stay was all about getting her ex back.

She's being manipulative. She was the controlling one trying to tell your BF not to see you when she was there as she would be uncomfortable and she's now doing DARVO with his sister, trying to make you the controlling oppresser and she's the victim.

I think your BF has been very naive and dodged a possibly very nasty bullet by not having her stay with him. What was he thinking?

She thought this weekend was her chance to get back together with him, and is now angry that “you” are in the way. Stay out of it as much as you can, she is making herself look deranged.

@Newusernameforthis123986 why did they break up?

She is definitely making herself look unhinged but I still can’t work out why your bf or his family are entertaining her. She is his ex and she’s trying to call the shots and whine to the bride to be about it all. She needs putting in her place by one of them.

She definitely wanted to play house whilst visiting for the wedding. Why else would you stay in an ex bfs one bedroom flat and state you done want their girlfriend around.
if she’s not local then I’m confused as to how close she is with the bride. Is this a historic- pre break up invite?
I understand she would have socialised with his family whilst they were dating but it’s strange for this to continue to such an extent unless they (bride) were friends before she dated your BF. It’s a small intimate wedding so I wonder if this links to to the bride saying she understands if the psycho ex doesn’t attend.
I think you’re doing really well and maintaining dignity here but the ex is a gaslighting madam trying to engineer a way back into her ex’s life.

I think she had definitely envisioned a reunion at the wedding weekend, fuelled by time together, alcohol and him seeing her back with his family and realising he missed her. Your BF laying down boundaries has blown this up.

I feel sorry for the bride though - she shouldn’t have to deal with this hassle in addition to her wedding.

It sounds like your BF is definitely committed to you and your relationship but he was naive in thinking this would be smooth since she clearly isn’t over him.

Echoing everyone else to say this is why you can’t stay friends with an ex immediately after a break up!

Without going into to much detail it seems like bf just felt done in the relationship and they were in different places.

in regards to others asking about why she was invited to such a small gathering I think it is a case of the family wanting to be nice as she had been around for a long time and was quite friendly with the sister and felt that leaving her out when bf and ex were in contact and close friends wouldn’t be right.