Husbands life on the sofa, cont cope with it anymore

[Hadenough91625]

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

He obviously has a lot going on internally but that doesn't mean you have to put up with this. Sounds infuriating- especially if he won't get any help/believes he is happy.

Has he been to the GP? I would assume that is the first step. Give him an ultimatum - he gets himself checked over to ensure that mentally he is healthy, and then he sorts his shit out. I would be tempted to scrap the sofa??!
I’m sorry you are dealing with all this. If he’s a stay at home husband he should be dropping and picking up the kids, sorting dinners/lunches to ease things on you.
Sell his car, he’s no role model to his children if this continues.

I would separate. I could not live with such a lumpen, unambitious slug as your DH. Of course he's happy with his life - he doesn't do a fucking thing! He just sits on his arse while you manage the kids and work and he does what? Nothing. He just sits there. I would have the massive ick about anyone like this.

Separation is never easy, splitting a home and finances, etc, hard for everyone. But you get one life OP. Is this how you want your one precious life to be? Oh and the first thing I'd do? Hand his car back. 1k miles a year? You don't need it, it's just a further drain on your finances, along with it's useless owner.

I would separate. Life is too short to live like this. 💐

I don't mean to deflect from your issue because it must be absolutely frustrating and infuriating for you but what is his physical health like?
The picture you paint is of someone who does no physical exercise whatsoever. So is he overweight? If he does virtually nothing apart from sit all day surely the toll he is paying on his health must be tremendous.
Have you approached the issue of his physical well being with him.in your attempts to make him.see how abnormal and unhealthy this lifestyle is?

Must be a good quality sofa?

I'd get rid of the car along with him. He is no example of a parent or father figure to his children either and they are noticing what he is like all too clearly.

Do not remain with such a man merely because you've been with him since you were 18. How are you enmeshed financially otherwise if he is on the sofa all day; you are basically carrying him and otherwise enabling him. Time to bring this to an end.

Your h finishing work permanently in his 49s is huge. Are you supposed to support him for the rest of your life? What about his pension?

He’s setting an awful example to your dc and being totally unattractive. I’d separate.

Finances can be separated.

What do you love about him?

What sofa is it please?

Yeah you need to talk to him about it

Explain that you as a family unit can't live like this. Tell him he needs to go back to work. Sounds like hes checked out of life.

If he won't change I'd consider separation/divorce.

I have over the years noticed a very significant relationship pattern in many relationships I’ve witnessed where one person under functions in relationships and is very drawn to over functioners. The absolutely most toxic version is obviously two underfunctioners but a particularly pernicious version is where the underfunctioners also seeks to control everyone around them which is the version I can clearly see you are in.

Personally I find that type of person one of the most toxic personalities types out there.

I'm feeling stressed and resentful in your behalf just reading this. I think that, out of kindness and the best of intentions, you have been far too accommodating for far too long. You were flexible and thoughtful and picked up a load of slack when he was ill, but that cannot continue. He's not a 'stay at home dad', he's doing almost nothing in the home and you are running around organizing the kids and making sure that life runs smoothly around him

I wonder if it would be a good thing for both of you if you absolutely lost your shit with him, and voiced all of the resentment and frustration you're feeling. You could do this in a calm, laying down the law way, rather than screaming. He is the other adult in the home and he needs to start acting like it. Either he goes back to work, or he takes a good share of responsibility in other ways. Lying on the couch all day is a disaster for his mental and physical health, and is massively unfair on you and the kids

Good luck

He’s a house husband but does he fuck all???

If my husband had no other responsibilities and he couldn’t even get the school run managed while I worked to pay for everything then he could fuck right off out of that door. He’s bringing absolutely no value to your life whatsoever.

Your kids are growing up to think that this is normal. That you can be workshy, do fuck all, and everything will be taken care of (by a woman).

I know this sounds harsh and you love that man, but this isn’t a marriage. This is a ginormous three year piss take.

He's not even taking steps to work on himself?? Exercise, get mentally healthy, study, read, decorate the house? Find ANY purpose or way of getting well again. Of course not, because you’re doing it all.

Either totally separate or give him a deadline to achieve x y or z. Get a part time job, start therapy, volunteer, pick up household responsibilities- anything. If he can’t pull his finger out of his arse for his wife and kids then he doesn’t deserve the cushy lifestyle you’re laying out for him.

And I say this as someone diagnosed bipolar and has massive depressive episodes and guess what - still manage to work and pay for, and look after my family.

Agree with PP what are his positives/ what do you love ?
Do you have a satisfying sex life ?

it’s a terrible example you are both setting your children I’m sorry to say.

I wouldnt have agreed to go back to work, sorry

We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

It is very strange in an adult. It's the sort of thing a child might do but they usually grow out of it.

In answer to some questions, the sofa is sagging and when he gets up you can see his shape in it!!!
He is now massively overweight and has zero fitness level. When he gets up he is so stiff!! I often point this out to him.
Another poster says the below functioning one is running the house hold and that is completely true. When he was ill he would stare at the TV and not engage with anyone.
He is not like that now. He has been researching stocks and shares lately and is doing that. He dictates to us all from the sofa. He makes all the financial decisions. He lords it over us and has the absolute nerve to tell me that I am lazy!!!! Honestly it is unbelievable. It has got to the point now where I don't want him to come out with us anyway.
Even Xmas day is spent on that f####ing sofa even when we have family over.
He is under the care of a metal health team for 3 years so he still has their involvement but it is just about to come an end. They are useless anyway as I think they encourage his behaviour. They tell me to back off and not push him to do things he doesn't want to do and not to expect a fast recovery or miracles!!
But to me he is recovered he is just choosing this new way of life!! Obviously there are big issues still there such as he doesn't want to socialise etc but he has always been introverted anyway so he loves it like this!!

I had to go to work as we were drowing financially

It’s no life for you or your kids . If you are this frustrated now imagine another 5yrs down the line . IMO he either gets help or you separate. You are essentially single now for all the good he contributes so it won’t be too different .

@Hadenough91625 I know it is easy to say but you are the one doing everything ask for a divorce and get rid of him. It will take time but leaving it longer will only push this out. He is ruthlessly toxic.

if you think you’re going to split it’s probably best to do it sooner than later and if possible get him out to works first. Although I think that will be difficult

If you separated, at least you wouldn’t have to feel guilty about his living arrangements as he would be more than happy in a studio apartment with his sofa and TV.

Do you go away on holiday? Days out with the kids? This life sounds awful and I’d be making plans to leave to be honest.

Get legal advice about how to exit the marriage as financially intact as possible. Ask about a court order to sell the house if you think he will fight you on that and refuse to budge. You will need your share of any equity to get you and the children out of there.

The big test is if this lifestyle suddenly changes if there is a football match or stag do he wants to attend. I do emphatise with mental health issues but 3 years is a long time. I hope he's anxious to get himself sorted and not enjoying it too much like he says!! It's a big strain on the finances. You're young to be his carer if it's not needed. Talk to him/doctor