Husbands life on the sofa, cont cope with it anymore

[Hadenough91625]

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

Bloody hell, OP. Having witnessed a family member go through the same with their previously depressed spouse it doesnt get better. My family member’s exhusband did exactly what yours is doing and nearly broke her and the children. He actually improved a lot after the divorce as he was forced to look after himself. He’s still got problems but everyone, including him, is MUCH better off since the divorce. While they were married he just sat like a slug for years, doing fuck all. Yes he was depressed but it’s amazing how he managed to pull himself together when they’re was no one running round after him

NC for this as outing.

You could be exactly describing a relative of mine.

Married DH, both earning good city salaries and an expectation of a good quality of life. Less than a year later, DH got made redundant 6 weeks before birth of DC1, and his DF died also. So terrible time, and obviously depressed. However, fast forward a few years - he's still sitting at home, no signs of depression, very happy and content - just a totally selfish, lazy CF. She had gone back to work because he hadn't got another job, despite there having been opportunities but he deemed them beneath him, the plan had been for her to be FT SAHM until DCs at school but she had to abandon that. He was supposed to be SAHP instead but did exactly as you describe - instead of helping with the morning he would run around trying to squeeze all his "chores" in while she was getting herself and the kids ready for school getting in the way and asking annoying questions (a lot of malicious incompetence) so that he had a clear day ahead of him. Spent the entire day on the sofa - also best spot in front of telly, never another one, nobody else could sit there, permanent indentation of his lazy arse on it. DCs were sporty and had mid-week fixtures that their Mum couldn't go to before of work - he could have gone to support but preferred to sit on the sofa watching TV. They slowly dwindled all redundancy payments, and savings (which were considerable to start with due to high joint incomes before), downsized house. Eventually separated when DCs were teens. Wished she'd done it long before.

I'd strongly recommend you LTB. If you are already doing all the domestic load and bringing home the bacon then you can clearly manage and your resentment for him will only grow. It's not a good example for the kids to see either - they won't respect him as they get older and more clued up, and they may start to lose respect for you staying and putting up with it too.

I'd say you should separate, or at least tell him that you're considering it. He's not contributing much, if anything, to the household or the relationship and it doesn't look like he wants to improve. Being so sedentary isn't good for his health either. And he's setting a terrible example to your DC.

So sorry for you. With the information given, honestly he still sounds very much in the throws of depression and MH issues. Sounds like he’s found comfort with the sofa and is masking his troubles, or convinced himself he’s ok, when’s he’s potentially not.
But, depression and MH issues are not a pass to treat others badly.
I suspect a conversation re his actually true MH, and a conversation about how this lifestyle cannot continue for anyone.

I mean this in the nicest way, but so what?

OP doesn't have to spend her life subsidising a man that chose to retire at 49 and sit on the sofa for days at a time just because he has depression.

Let your post here and the advice you've had be a catalyst. You MUST get some legal advice quickly. Are you married and your name on the deeds of the house? He could stop paying the mortgage, he could try to claim he can't leave as he wouldn't be adequately housed OMG the list of what he could do is endless, please get a solicitor - I paid something like £150 for an hour with a divorce lawyer so I knew exactly where I stood before I did anything. Ducks will have to be in a row and then some.

Is he Jim Royle?

I think it's time you perhaps called it a day with this relationship and seek mediation in view to getting a divorce.
If you've been married a long time then you have a claim on his savings (and pension). All assets would be 50/50 as a starting point.
Go seek a new life and this one is surely not making you happy.
Good luck OP

Your life sounds miserable.

Leave him and move in with family if you can whilst the divorce goes through. Once that's done, try to get a promotion and buy a small house for you and the children. Would that realistically work for you?

You need to figure out a plan to leave him. It's not fair on you or the children.

He does sound depressed, even if he says otherwise. No one would choose to live like that.

It sounds like you don't love him anymore, and his mental state is not your responsibility. Do what you need to for yourself and the kids.

I'm only mentioning his apparent depression because insofar as you may be trying to predict what he might do in various scenarios, you can't reasonably assume he will act in his own best interests. I mean, I would think of it not as "he's unwilling to get off the sofa" but rather "he's unable to get off the sofa" and make your plans accordingly.

I’m another who thinks you should leave and AIn for half. Tbh you’d probsbly be better off claiming some UC with your earnings.

They are also signs of being a lazy freeloading arse. I have had severe depression myself.

No normal; don’t think he is fully recovered. The lack of exercise and motivation to do anything is not right.

Does he take any supplements: magnesium and vitamin D? Has he had blood tests to check on everything: vitamins, thyroid, etc.

How are you feeling OP? There's been some blunt talking on here but hopefully it's helped you take a step back and see things differently?It's very telling that your children wouldn't be bothered to see him if you separated. What do you think he's doing to their lives and mental health in behaving as he is?

Maybe as others have suggested, getting yourself some legal advice about what you're entitled to would be a good start. It must feel hopeless being faced with such an unappealing, self absorbed and lazy individual on a daily basis but there could be an optimistic future out there if you choose to take it. If you get the house sold, let the man child sort himself out and get your share to fund a future for you and your children.

Sell the hoyse, split the proceeds, and leave. This can’t go on and shouldn’t go on. And stop paying half the bills: tell him to pay everything and try to store up a nest egg. He stilll gas some finances (apparently) so either force him use those up if he won’t share control or try to understand them and then trade “not going after them” for a peaceful divorce. But stop paying him to lie on the sofa.

Personally I would wait until he's in the shower, then get kids to help me drag the sofa out into the garden and destroy it. I suggest a multi-saw. I would have said burn it, but unless it's antique, they're all flame retardant now. No way would I put up with this, he gets a job or gets out.

He sounds deeply depressed but I feel great sympathy for you and if you were my daughter I would advise you to begin steps to leave him because frankly the situation sounds miserable.

Get rid of the sofa and him with it!
He's taking the absolute piss and I don't mean to be unkind
but you're enabling him to do so!

Could you suggest a part time position, and/or a step down for the benefit of his mental health, or suggest it to him for another reason? While he might be an introvert, that doesnt mean he is actually entirely happy being at home all the time.
Ultimately I think I would be saying that while you want to support him, you cannot do it to the detriment of your own mental health, and that if things continue as they are then you will have to separate. You can also say that you dont think it is a healthy role model for your dc to see

In all seriousness OP, I would get rid of the sofa. I seems as if it’s almost an addiction, something that has become the central point of his life, and a habit he can’t (and doesn’t seem to want to) break. I would actually get it taken away. That might force him into action, especially as you say he doesn’t like the other sofas.

I agree with this ^ and I think you will have to find a higher paying job OP. He is not a house husband, he’s just unemployed. And he’s not adding anything to your life, he’s just dragging you down. He probably is still very depressed because I don’t see how anyone could be happy living like this. If you separate, where he goes isn’t your problem. He’s not completely penniless and he is a grown man not your child

This OP. The longer you leave it the less money there will be to get your half of.
he will keep spending savings and you will keep working and working. Cut loose now

I wouldn't want to be with someone who's entire life revolved around the sofa and TV you have my sympathy OP. He's not even doing his 'house husband' duties your still doing the majority so basically hes just a spare part! He should be working on himself to get back to a place where he can work and contribute to the family financially but also by being part of family life! He's gotten way too comfortable slacking all day and in the meantime his health is getting worse because hes living almost an entirely sedentary lifestyle. He's 40 not 80!!!

I would be sitting him down and having a serious talk about needing changes and now, or I would be discussing plans to separate. Life is too precious to waste basically being a single parent with no partner or real relationship.

Well he's done a number on you all hasn't he and no mistake!
It will be complicated but there is a way out of this! I would keep him sweet/carry on as normal while you make a plan in the background.

I would ditch the sofa at the very least and see what happens. But personally I couldn't live like that and would be seeking legal advice to get him out.