Husbands life on the sofa, cont cope with it anymore

[Hadenough91625]

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

Arrange to have the sofa removed while he's in bed and then act like the sofa never existed at all when he complains.
He's gaslighting the living daylights out of all of you so he should have some back.

I think he's taking the piss now, quite frankly.

god op you can leave him you know

Just start the steps it requires and do it

In a year you can be free of this

Does he ever visit friends or family? Do you go away on holiday? When he sees his care team does he leave the house for those appointments?

I agree with you that this is no way for him, you, or your kids to live. His care team are letting him down by enabling this and not working on strategies to get him to engage in life more.
What happens between you when you talk about things with him?
It must have been scary for you and the kids when he was in the depths of his depression. I think you might all benefit from some family therapy. Are the kids angry with him?

What a terrible example for your children. There is absolutely no way I would put up with that!

I would give him an ultimatum.

Apart from anything else it's literally the stuff of therapy for years to come for your kids. Imagine them thinking this is normal in a life partner?

It’s not going to get better, so maybe best to make the break now when you still can. You’re the main earner, so you’re not enmeshed financially. Put your kids and yourself first and start living again. If you separate and he can’t cope, then that’s his problem.

nb. Be aware, he d we ill start complaining if you go down this route, but don’t be emotionally manipulated. .

it would be pointless removing the sofa because he would then move the other sofa to his optimum position and wreck that one as well. Let him sit and fester in the old one until remedial action takes place. 🛋️

A court can force a sale.

Don't stay because he won't go. That can be sorted. No, it won't be simple, but it can be done.

Maybe do some sums on whether you'd be better / worse off with or without him in a few years, when the teens are older? Like with regard to loans if they went to university, or other benefits you might be entitled to? Or how the finances would work if you had a smaller house but the kids were living with you and working and contributing to bills? You might find that you could end up being better off if you leave before they're 18.

If you do decide to put it off for a few years, is there anything you can do in the meantime to work towards a better-paid job?

OP, life sounds very difficult for you all just now. You must also be ' grieving' the loss of the husband you once had.
It sounds to me as if your husband is in a deep depression and cannot ( rather than will not) make any changes to his life. Mental health teams are extremely busy and can usually only help those who are acutely ill.
Can he get medication reviewed?
It is up to you if you want to leave him ..please seek appropriate advice and take things from there.

😳

My husband has been off work with depression too, and I am concerned he is going to end up the same way. I was equally frustrated until I had a meeting with the mental health team, and they called me his carer. To be honest, its made me feel much better because I feel I'm no longer in 'wife' mode but unpaid carer mode. So I give out instructions- Fill up your medication caddy thing. Take your medication. Hoover the upstairs. Go for a walk. I give out a time as he was going round the block and coming back after 5 minutes. We have a dog so that means he has to walk it. Go for a cycle. Go to the corner shop. Then I just get on with my life.
He has started getting involved (He emailed the DC's teacher probably for the first time ever, and has transferred the work anxiety onto the house somewhat, so hes always going on about the kids lunches. I feel like saying 'luckily someone else was feeding them all these years while you took precisely no interest unless I was away! He has had two breakdowns, both triggered by crippling work anxiety so I wouldn't say he is better as he hasn't got back to work yet.When hes not doing what I've told him to do he is either in bed or on the sofa, same thing but he does get up and has just come for a walk with us. 3 years is far too long though. I am planning to leave but my DC are both in exam years. I would even be happy to separate and still act as a carer as long as I had my own space and freedom.

Maybe, but this is all on him to do this not the OP, she's not his Mother....

I have to admit, I would be planning my escape right now if I were you. You're in your 40s, and too young to be trapped in such a toxic relationship, and such a stressful, mundane, and depressing life. Your DC are teens, not tiny, and will cope. And so will you.

Maybe it's not the right thing to do (for some) abandoning a depressed partner, but I honestly, genuinely couldn't stick this, not long term. I'd be packed and gone. Life's too short, and unfortunately, as long as you keep enabling him by putting up with this, and taking on everything/all the mental load, he will not change or get 'better.'

Leave @Hadenough91625

Totally agree,just because he's slightly better than he was doesn't mean he's better and he's quite clearly not. Is he still on medication as they can slow you right down without you realising. He's 40, there's lots of time to turn this around.

Keep calm and carry on. Most Men after 40 will go thru inevitable personality shift. Can't be bothered, just let go and set your own zone and do things that you enjoy! Middle age is like an another country , Current time middle age is worse than old age!

Does he do all the cleaning, hoovering, washing cleaning the bathroom etc during that frantic hour first thing. Do you still do half the housework. He won’t change immediately but you need to have a talk with him and tell him it’s not working for you any more and things have to change and he has to integrate back into family life or leave

What difference does them being older make before you leave? That's even more time to be emotionally damaged by such an awful home environment.
The minute he called me lazy I would be out of there. Of course he doesn't want to leave, he's not having to participate in normal family life and youre financing and doing everything!

I would say he is still depressed. I have been this way in the past - you are almost describing how I spent a couple of years. Looking back, I massively resent that antidepressants turned me into such a zombie that I didn't even realise I no longer needed them. Is he still on medication? It can lift your mood but leave you almost comatose, in a sort of blurred, happy daze with zero ambition or drive.

If he is still medicated but his mood is okay, he needs to start to reduce his dose. Please take advice not from GPs but from long term depressives on how to do this. It is far better to titrate much much more slowly than GPs advise if you want no side effects or relapse.

Please have a very gentle but firm and honest talk with him. Explain that you know he deserves more from life than this and DC in particular need a stronger more vibrant role model from their father. Say you too, are aching to have your husband back - a lively man who embraces life. He doesn't need to be a major breadwinner, but he does need to get back into the swing of life.

This may sound a bit contrived, but I found it helpful to use the life grid from Feel the Fear. Make a grid of nine equal sized squares and put a crucial aspect of life into each square. Typical entries might be: Family in one, Partner in another, Work and Income in a third, Fitness, Friends, Home (ie the environment not the people) etc. One box must include social contribution (could be voluntary work for a local school or charity, or helping on a community gardening or litter scheme, serving at church or via a political party he believes in) And it's strongly advised that one box is about spirituality - whatever that means to him - whether religion or communing with nature - anything that reminds us that the world is bigger than us.

Then he just writes down one tiny goal for each box for the day; one small goal for each box for the coming week, a more challenging but attainable ne for the coming month and a goal he'd be proud of having achieved by the end of the year. Then...do them. The daily goals have to be super easy. Eg. The community service one for Day 1 could be to email DC's school and ask if they need a volunteer to help support children with Maths or Reading. (They will ) If they say yes, the next stage might be to start the ball rolling to get an enhanced DBS so he is eligible to volunteer.

His health goal might be to order a pill cutter from Amazon and titrate down by one quarter of a tablet every other day. Or, if he's not on medication still, to go for a walk. Around the block is enough on Day 1. The family one might be to take DC to school and collect them each day, going via the Park. Or to organise for their friends to come for a pizza and film night, and put himself in charge of making popcorn and pizzas with them, and clearing up afterwards.

Gradually easing back into life very very gently will stop him from feeling overwhelmed.

One game I played with myself was to do one thing I'd never done before every single day. Didn't matter what. A 5 minute meditation or HIIT workout online, a walk down a street I'd not been down before. Honestly, the year I started that game I was like your husband. 8 months later I had a better paid job than I'd ever had before on a short term contract that eased me back to work, I'd learned some incredible new skills and ended up getting the job I still have now, nine years later, which I adore.

Absolutely this!

Yes, as others said, I would absolutely separate.
That said, IF you are single/child free and have means, I can see (a bit) the allure of a good quality sofa.
Not in his situation, though.

Don't let him run you down, no human being should be a ball and a chain.

Get rid of the sofa and the car

He lives on the sofa,

It’s so very difficult to be in a relationship with someone like this and can cause enormous resentment. I’ve been there. It’s so incredibly difficult to get someone to change when they just decide to opt out like this. He does still sound very depressed and unmotivated. His mental health is his responsibility- but what can you do?
There’s only thing you can realistically do and that is to fully lay your cards on the table, tell him that the relationship is not sustainable and that he needs to change or you’re out. You have my sympathy; it’s a horrible situation to be in and I know this from similar personal experience