Husbands life on the sofa, cont cope with it anymore

[Hadenough91625]

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

You say he's no longer depressed and is quite happy with his life, but he clearly isn't. This isn't normal and shows something is very wrong with him.

His routine sounds a bit like mine. I do bugger all right now. But I'm being treated for breast cancer and it's the mental health strain which keeps me on the sofa. I seem happy enough, all things considered, but that's because I have no pressure to move off thr sofa.

My counsellor recommends an app called Brain Fatigue to assess mental fatigue. It was created by the Sahlgrenska hospital in Gothenburg. Could you get him to do the quick assessment, it might surprise you.

Regarding separating he would refuse to leave. He only has his parents who he doesn't get in with. And he wouldn't have any money at first. So he would be homeless.

I could try to sell the house whilst he is still here but again he would do everything he could go prevent a sale/not help with packing etc as he doesn't want this situation to change.

If it wasn't for the kids I would be gone in an instant and I will do when they are older even if it means I have to walk away with nothing.

Given your update about his health OP you probably soon will become his carer if he doesn't change his life style.

I think you are at ultimatum point now because this situation is hell for you and will end up killing him if he isn't jolted into changing his life style.

So what is his plan? Sit on the sofa for the rest of his life?

you need to have a frank conversation with him. I couldn’t abide this level of laziness and he certainly doesn’t sound depressed any more, he appears to be loving life!

you say your enmeshed financially but it would appear that you now hold the cards in that regard if he no longer brings any financial element to the table.

How old are your kids? I suppose you could stick it out until they’re older and then leave him but really, is that what you want?

Don't stay with him until the children are older, he's ruining their childhood. Get away from him as soon as you can

My God op am angry for you,
Why hasn't he slept in a bed,
Can you and watch your programs,

Does he go out, with you and children,

Why can't he have evening meals cooked and ready,
Does he go up stairs, if so does he change bedding, clean bedrooms and bathroom, ironing, because he should be op,
Poor you and children,

Changes need to be made,
And the car needs to go op,

This is my life and I absolutely hate it. I’ve got a fairly serious illness, depression and agoraphobia though.

I don’t understand why anyone would actively choose this life for themselves.

Honestly, life is too short. Get out with your kids op. If he can’t afford shit that’s on him. He’s making zero effort and whilst you’re working, looking after the kids and running the house he’s sat on his arse having the nerve to call you lazy?? Fuck that. What example is he setting to his kids about how to be in life and how to treat you? Absolutely not. You can force the sale of your house, it doesn’t matter if he wants it. He wants to laze around all day he can do it on his dime. I’d have zero guilt

I would try to reframe the way you (and he I assume) are understanding his behaviour. He's not fine, he sounds very unwell. He's pretty young and has a lot of years to turn things around but he has to seek some treatment.

I'm in a weird phase at the moment where I don't want to do anything. I work and I exercise on a schedule but given any control over what Im doing I take to bed or sofa. As a PP said it's mental fatigue. I think if I was "allowed" to give up work I could go your husband's way.

What do your kids think of this? Surely they must find it all rather strange and disappointing? He's choosing not to participate in their lives in the complete way that a parent should - parents evenings, watching the school play, cheering them on at sports day, dropping at sleep overs, helping at parties, one day - taking them to Uni and going to their graduation etc etc. And what sort of role model is he for them? He's basically opted out of adult life.

But kids aside, I think this is an absolutely intolerable situation for you (actually one of the worst I've ever read on MN in many ways). Marriage is meant to be a partnership. I can't see that you have any other option but to separate however hard it is in practical terms. You'll find a way.

It will be better for the kids and better for you.

What positives does this man bring to your life/ your children’s lives?
why is he making all the financial decisions and “lording it over you”? How is this happening if you are the only one with an income?

you say he would refuse to separate - that’s not his choice.
you start divorce proceedings, you then have to instruct the sale of the house (presuming it’s in joint names) or you get a solicitor involved and would legally be required to cooperate for the sale of the children’s lives.

he is not a house husband, he is lazy.

He makes the financial decisions even though he’s not earning the money, dictates to you from the sofa and THEN calls you lazy?

Id be out of that door with my kids immediately and filing for divorce.

He’s not unwell anymore, you don’t need to pander to his bollocks.

This will all be sorted in the divorce proceedings if he has to leave the house he will have to leave the house. If you have to sell he will be required to sell. This is normal for divorce with these types, they drag their heels but courts can and do deal with them.

Sounds like my ex. He was depressed etc. he said he would never live at his parents but he did when it came to it.

the kids cannot go to this as he lives in a bedsit. So he still sits on my fucking sofa but at least it’s only a couple of hours a week.

Nooooo

Start proceedings for a divorce,
Let him bugger off with his ‘mental issues’. Not your problem.

He does bring in some money as on sickness benefits and had some savings from when he worked where as I have nothing.
My wage comes in and goes straight out.
We live in a large home that was fine when he was a high earner. Neither of us could afford to stay here .my wage wouldn't even cover the council tax plus food let alone anything else

Hire a group of heavies and they can shove him +sofa in the front garden?
Seriously file for divorce... Apply for a court order to sell the house... Be very very careful he doesn't try and claim he is the dc's main carer and try for cms.... Start using breakfast and after school clubs. Once officially separated - try and claim UC and some child care will be paid for. Keep details of all appointments/clubs dc attend and make sure it's you that takes them.

And in the meanwhile stop cooking for him. He can use the washing machine yes?

Him being in control of the family finances is slightly worrying if he's dabbling in stocks and shares, I hope you have access to the bank statements and can see where your salary goes.

I think you need to get legal advise around separation and divorce.
Following this, have the kids stay with friends or family for a weekend, or at least 1 night so you can talk to him properly.

This! Plus it might actually be the kick up the bum to get him to address his behaviours. It will hopefully also help him in the long run as you’re completely correct, it’s no life and he’s far too young to simply accept this!

He sounds revolting. Laziness is such an unattractive trait. He is an awful example to your children and a massive drain on your resources.

Leave now!! Don’t wait until he’s older, fatter and more decrepit!!

Why on earth have you handed over the household finances in these circumstances?. You must be absolutely stark staring MAD to hand over your pay check to his control, let him have all the family savings in his name and to top it off, he’s dabbling in stocks and shares (aka posh gambling)

Seriously OP, if you do nothing else you must protect yourself and the children from his financial control.

What would he say if you ask him to go for a ten minute walk with him after work?
Im wondering if there's any chance of kick starting his motor, somehow!