Husbands life on the sofa, cont cope with it anymore

[Hadenough91625]

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

Honestly I couldn't imagine my life like this! Life's too short to waste. I'd separate and sell the house. UC will help top up your salary, don't worry. Perhaps you could get a flat or maisonette? I could not live that way for ever, you deserve better.

I know you say there's no signs of depression but it really does look like that to me. Does anyone want to sit on the sofa for such a considerable amount of time, day after day. I do know when you feel mentally drained you sleep a lot and don't have the energy to do anything else, it takes a lot of out of you. Alternatively it could be because the less he is doing the less he wants to do because if he's supposed to be the "house husband" why can't he pick the children up or make more dinners? It seems like you're having to take the weight of it all.

He makes Jim Royle sound attractive!

Seriously though, you say he gets some income (benefits) and has/had some savings.

Do you know how much he has in savings? How much does he get in benefits?

Whose money is he using for dabbling in stocks and shares? “His”, or yours as well?

Do you know what sort of returns/gains he’s making?

Do you have joint accounts - can he access your money and you his?

What is your housing situation? Are both your names on the mortgage?

Cut the wifi.

Put the sofa in the front garden?

Can I ask, OP, have you had a recent conversation regarding your relationship - not the kids, not his illness, not the house, not practical stuff - your happiness? Has he said anything, or what do you think he would say? Do you think he wants you to be happy, in your life? Or do you think he doesn't really think about it?

I agree with every other poster.
You get one life and this is absolutely NO life for you. He’s either sick or lazy.

if he’s lazy, you are simply enabling him. If he’s sick, he’s making no effort whatsoever to get better and again, you are enabling him.

You will be stuck in this loop forever unless you change things forcibly. He won’t change - he’s far too bloody comfortable with the status quo

You need Women's aid.
You are being controlled and abused by him.
Get support.
Serve him papers.
Any aggression, ring the police to have him removed

You do not have to tolerate this.

OP, talk to him, ask him to go to counselling, on his own and then with you.

He needs to get some sort of work. He has defaulted to the sofa position, that is a sign of depression and he needs to try and snap out of it.

The favourite chair thing isn't odd, most families that I know have their default seats in the living room.

You need to start running the finances so that you know where all the money is going. He needs to start doing more around the house. Make a list of what needs doing and ask him to do something on it every day. If he can start engaging, then he might start to do more.

See a solicitor.
Don't do another thing for him

I have a cautionary tale for you. My sister’s DH gave up work at 45 also citing depression. He’s now 67 and never leaves the house. He doesn’t camp out on the sofa all the time but as good as. Dsis had had to work every waking hour to keep them afloat and also paid his NI contributions in that time so he’d still qualify for his state pension. She’s a bit younger and all I can see is a woman who has wasted her precious life on a man who absolutely takes the piss. Yes, he was depressed, no question, but he did recover and decided he just liked being a kept man. I think your DH has decided the same, @Hadenough91625. I think you should get legal advice to see what your options are regarding separation and divorce, for your kids’ sake as much as yours. Their family life is miserable and you are enabling it by not taking action.

It sounds like he has carved out a low-demand life for himself. It is with no consideration of you, or the children. You must be exhausted carrying the load of family life, and you sound like a single parent already juggling most things. Regardless of any mental health issues, he is being a terrible role model to your children, and an awful spouse to you. He has no consideration of the impact of this on you, or what happens when you burn out and cannot bring home a wage anymore. Get rid of the car asap. I would impose a deadline on him engaging with medical professionals, work coaches and getting a job. He could work 15 hours per week on Employment Support Allowance, and still qualify for it. If he doesn't change, walk away. You cannot face decades of this sloth like behaviour as it ruins your life in so many ways. By the time you retire, you will be so exhausted it will be no quality of life at all. You are facing years of being his carer when his poor life style catches up with him physically and he develops age-related conditions that impact his independence even more. Don't be left as the nurse with the purse, especially as it will be very lonely and thankless when your kids grow up and move away.

Either hes happy and he needs to start reengage with life. - go out for the food shop, pick the kids up, do some of the errands.

Or he isnt and he needs to go to his Dr

And if you talk to him and he refuses, id consider whether I could accept this or unemesh myself

This is the very definition of mental health being used as a perfect excuse for a grown healthy though selfish adult to be sitting around all day doing absolutely fuck all and abdicating all adult responsibilities. Absolutely not on.

No agency over your own earnings is financial abuse. I’d open my own account and get my money moved to it and refuse to allow him access. Then use some of it to get some legal advice on how to manage forcing the house sale.

Separate legally and claim UC if you can to top up your wages. Does child benefit go to you - if not see if you can change that first. I think it’s better for children to go through divorce than watch their mother ground down by a feckless bullying layabout.

This is who he is, normal life gave him mental health issues. This is the life he wants and had forced you into. Feel no guilt in escaping it and showing your children a better life is possible.

Its ppl like you that get ppl like me warning emails from mumsnet...

Honestly this is very far from normal. Surely you have to leave. He is setting a terrible example to his kids. I can’t see how he will recover from this; it’s quite obvious he is mentally not well as this isn’t normal behaviour. Xo

I can't believe that he sits on his arse whilst you do both school runs and are the only one working! Surely the house wife/husband or person working part time or flexibly would be the one to do this if they were able? Also, Christmas dinner on the sofa? Bizarre! It sounds like he has totally checked out of family life. If he ends up facing homelessness, it might be the motivation he needs to do something. Have you given an ultimatum of he makes steps to change or you'll leave him?

Lazy bastard. Sorry, but you are drowning financially and he is just on the sofa. Would piss me off massively.

He doesn't have access to my money, I pay half the bills and he pays half the bills. My money is then all gone.
In addition he has savings in his own name from years before when he was working. We have never had a joint account

Our kids are teenagers so not sure if he can claim primary parent for them at that age as he doesn't do anything for them.
My wage is low so I couldn't give him anything anyway. Every penny is accounted for already.
Both kids would refuse to live with him and i think the courts do listen to their opinion don't they? Son wouldn't want to see him at all, daughter would be happy to see him occasionally

I'm sorry, but why on earth are you tolerating this and teaching your kids that this is even remotely normal?

Sorry but can’t you see he still has depression? These behaviours are classic symptoms of depression. You need to get him back to your GP asap.

Sounds like he's stuck in a rut (literally).

If he's the SAHP, could you get him to take on more parenting responsibilities?
Are you working part time to allow you to do the school runs?
I'd see if you can up your hours and have him do the school runs so at least he is getting out of the house.

Because he is clearly still depressed! These behaviours are classic signs of depression!