Husbands life on the sofa, cont cope with it anymore

[Hadenough91625]

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

You've got potentially another 40 years of this if you're both in your forties.

When the teens are off at uni, living their own lives, having their own relationships, their own homes, families.

When you hit retirement age.

And you're together 24/7. Looking at him. With nobody else to rush around for, no work to keep you sane.

Can you stand that?

I'd say your perimenopause is making her presence felt. When those 'like me like me aren't I pretty have babies with me' hormones dwindle, leaving you with the 'what the actual fuck is this??' phase that they were masking.

So how are the next 40 years going to be?

His physical and mental health must be concerning for you. His world has shrunk to tiny proportions - is he afraid to go out? Afraid to drive? Depressed? Depressed people can seem happy and contented, masking what's beneath. Agoraphobic, maybe?

How are his weight and fitness levels? Does he take any exercise? Are there any Well Man type checkups available where you are? Blood pressure, heart rate etc?

Would a psychiatric consultation help?

Do you take exercise that you could invite him to join?

Will he listen, take part in conversations, consider your point of view?

Because if that's generally not his way, that's something else to consider.

@Hadenough91625 this sums it up perfectly. You've done everything and more to support him during a mental health crisis and this is how he treats you. You deserve so much better. Do get some legal advice about divorce and getting him out in the first instance. He has savings and benefits so he can rent a room somewhere since all he wants to do is stay in on the sofa all day. Once he's out you can see about selling the house to get something more affordable for yourself and your children. You must be so ground down but it's time to think of yourself now and stop enabling his complete lack of consideration for anyone but himself.

I think I would write him a letter and place it on the sofa for him to find.

Just because he has mental health issues doesn’t mean he can walk all over yours. In the letter I would be detailing my mental health issues if it were me and suggesting that he thinks about you for a change and that if he doesn’t, you will pursue divorce.

It may seem an impossible relationship to end and move on from, but sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind and crack on with it because they’ll never be a right time if you think about it too much.

It gets worse! You are allegedly staying for the children. Yet you imagine they don’t want to see him, let alone live with him if you were to split up.
They couldn’t be clearer in their wishes really OP. They would be happier without him there.
Obviously you’d have to downsize but his pension and savings are (approx, as it’s a benchmark) half yours too, along with equity
The longer you wait, the more of the savings will be burnt through.
Disadvantaging you and your children while he gets to swan around the house leeching off you. And yes, the savings are legally yours too, whatever he says.

He still sounds quite unwell to me. But as far as the MH team are concerned, everything is stable and he’s housed with a partner sorting things out. Is there ever any discussion about trying to reduce his medication?

It may be too late for this. But you could contact the mental health team and ask their views. You could go to the discharge meeting and tell them exactly how shit life has become and the impact this is having on his physical health, on his children and on you.

He’s going to end up having strokes or other major physical health problems. Exercise is absolutely essential in managing mental health but it’s really poorly supported by some teams. There are things like health walks and GP referrals to physical activity initiatives. He is probably afraid to tackle any of these but his CPN could have supported him to access them.

I can understand totally that you want to walk away. I’m just saying that change is possible. He is getting no help from the people who should be helping him, they are landing it on you. I hope you are talking to your GP too.

Not much talking going on and lots of assumptions by you. Tell him how you feel

OP if he is that sedentary he has a lot of physical health troubles coming down the line which will make it even harder to leave. You don't deserve to be treated like this by a man who lies in the sofa all day and calls you the lazy one. It won't be easy, but it's already not easy. Take the first step and then take each day at a time.

This just gets worse and worse, OP. Sounds like you are being financially abused and emotionally abused too. He tells you that you are lazy? Unbelievable! No wonder you are angry. Keep that anger raging and make plans to separate. No matter how difficult it may be at first, you will be much better off without him, as will the children.

He hasn’t kept up his end of the bargain has he? He was to be the at home parent which I’m assuming covers, cleaning bathrooms 2/3 times a week, bedrooms , hoovering under beds, under sofa, arm chairs, washing, ironing - so is that all left to you as well as you working?
Tell him to stick to what was agreed or he’s to go back to work or separate.
Is he not worried about getting a blood clot from all those hours being immobile? You need to instigate change and mean it.

He must have mental health issues. Id be concerned what example hes setting for the children. Surely you can't have things like people over? Maybe time to get your ducks in a row.

Depression behaviours can also be learned behaviour/staying in your comfort zone/some people actually enjoy living that way - we do not help people with depression by not acknowledging this - but I agree that it should be explored properly as he is about to be discharged and if thats the case are the mental health team saying he's at a stage of recovery that doesn't need intense intervention or something else - or are they missing the signs?
However, regardless of this - he's treating OP badly and OP has a duty to protect her own mental health and her children's, its sad but its not like she wants to kick him out at the first sign - ultimately other people have to be prioritised too.

Ruthlessly - i’d divorce him whilst he still has assets for you to split. He may or may not be depressed still but that’s not an excuse for being an asshole - people with depression I know struggle to do what they can constantly and never just absent themselves the way he is. If you think he’d make selling the house difficult post divorce why don’t you tell him you can’t afford your lives right now so need to downsize as he doesn’t seem to be planning to go back to work - either he agrees and you get a sale agreed and then split or he doesn’t but at least you should be able to get him to up his contributions so that you can start saving something.

i would throw the at sofa away. Of course he loves it. Chillin all day

Regarding separating he would refuse to leave.

So your choices are either to divorce and force the sale of the house while you both live there, then take your share and go
OR
You move out with the kids into a rental, then divorce and force the sale of the house

He only has his parents who he doesn't get in with. And he wouldn't have any money at first. So he would be homeless.

What he does or doesn't do is not your problem. It is not your responsibility to house him.
He would either swallow his pride and go to his parents, or scrape together the money for a bedsit and go onto UC.
He might even go back to work.

I could try to sell the house whilst he is still here but again he would do everything he could go prevent a sale/not help with packing etc as he doesn't want this situation to change.

He might make it difficult but he could not stop you. He does not have the power to stop you (unless he actually gets physically violent, in which case you call the police).
Sell bits of furniture and any other 'stuff' you don't need. De-clutter. You can do this without even raising alarm bells with him - take a few weeks and just tell him you are having a clear out.
Then you either move into a rental with the kids, or force the sale with him still on the sofa.

If it wasn't for the kids I would be gone in an instant and I will do when they are older even if it means I have to walk away with nothing.

There is no way you should EVER walk away with nothing. Put that thought out of your head.
You own half the marital assets, including half his savings and pension as well as half the house. Make sure you get what is due to you.

To be honest it doesn’t sound like he has mentally recovered from his depression.
It sounds like he can cope with life purely from the sanctuary of his own home and I suspect it’s because his anxiety is through the roof.
I would if I was you ask that he visit a gp for a chat or at least attend some therapy.
Some people are natural home bodies, I know I am and I do get anxious about various things, however I still go out to work etc because I’m determined not to be ruled by the little voice in my head that reinforces how overwhelming the world can be.
I think realistically unless you spell out that this is going to ruin your marriage and you will seek to separate he has no incentive to try and get back to some sort of ‘normal’ life.
If after a honest conversation with him, nothing changes then I would separate as soon as practical.
You can insist the house be sold as it’s a joint asset, he could make it difficult but ultimately you could apply for an order for sale and force it, it just depends how tenacious you want be. I wouldn’t just walk off and leave, you need your half to start again if it’s jointly held.

Do you get him to do things? Go to do the shopping with you, decorate the house, do the gardening (if you have one)? Does he get invited or asked to do things like school parent's evenings or performances or take the kids out on treats. It sounds like you've made him totally redundant (apart from actual work) he has no purpose or usefulness in your life or the children's lives, make it essential that he gets involved in things. And get him to talk to a GP there is definitely something going on with his mental and/or physical health.

Is this what you want for th next 30 years?

I'd be having the chat me. He can choose what kind of life he wants and one of those choices is him living alone.

I'd encourage him to get out, not to busy overwhelming places but if you've got any nice nature walks or anything where you live. Encourage him out at weekends, encourage him to make appointments and attend them for his mental health. And if he won't then you wouldn't be unreasonable to want to leave.

I don't think he's as happy as you think he is based on the description of getting everything done quickly in the mornings so he can get back to his sofa. I had a similar coping mechanism as a stay at home mum, trying to get everything done in the morning before the school run.

Could he start by taking the children to school and collecting them at home time? Would give you more time to get to work in a more relaxed fashion and it might help himin terms of exercise/fresh air?
Agree he needs to see the GP- this is no life and unfair on you and the children.

Oh dear life is too short to live like this. If you can’t see a future with him then making plans to sell up and start again seems to be the only way forward. In the meantime are you able to go out and about without him. This would annoy me intensely, you working every day and him just lolling around. It doesn’t sound like his mental health prevents him working. Just laziness and he has got used to doing nothing all day.

Id get rid of the sofa - id get a man with a van to take it away

the tv would also disappear

You can’t make him change, but at the same time he can’t tell you what to do either. Don’t let him Lord it over people. Don’t let him make financial decisions. His world includes everything that goes on around the sofa with him at the centre, so move the centre away. Watch tv in another room. Take the kids away for a weekend without him. That might make him think a bit about how happy he is and why.

Why doesn't he do the school runs and more of the cooking? Why haven't you insisted on it?
What would happen if you made plans for the whole family to go out on the weekend? How would he react?
I definitely couldn't live like this. And that's coming from someone who has gone through periods of low mental health and unemployment. I still leave the house, do nice activities and see friends. I know I'd go mad otherwise!

It sounds horrendous. Prefacing this with I know this shouldn't be on you but the reality is he won't change proactively. So - can you start giving him a job to do every day, then increase it over time? E.g. in addition to what he does in the morning for an hour (which sounds like nothing!) he is now also responsible for cooking dinner every evening. There's no reason you should be doing that after working all day when he's vegetating on the sofa.

Then when that's become routine, add in something else. And if he refuses, ask him how he doesn't have the time. I've had severe depression before and routine can be a lifesaver so maybe he needs more structure.