Husbands life on the sofa, cont cope with it anymore

[Hadenough91625]

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

Sorry if I’ve missed this but is there any reason your parents would be privy to how your finances were split in the divorce?

You don’t need to disclose the financial settlement to them. So are you scared that he would?

I can understand how gutting it will be if your parents put a substantial sum into the house. But what option do you have? Isn’t it better to cut your losses and get out now. I’m sure your parents are not trying to control you. But I expect they are of the generation who stayed come what may.

I would position it to them that at least now you can get half out before he bankrupts you all. Also the other half (his) will presumably be left to their grandchildren.

Twenty years was considered a lifetime in Palaeolithic times and people can evolve (or possibly devolve like in this case) and no longer be compatible. I wouldn't want to put up with a grown man playing Xbox all day either and I don't blame you for wanting out of that situation.

The grandchildren won’t get the other half if he goes bankrupt or ends up in care. Unfortunately it does seem best to call it quits now though.

He can cook, clean and has taught himself stocks and shares whilst demoralising his working wife for being lazy. These are not classic signs.

Not washing, eating, interacting are......

She needs to keep an eye on his trading in stocks and shares so he doesn't squander all her earnings too

Agree with the others to try a different solicitor. I can see why you're disappointed. Was it a free consultation? It might be worth going to see one that you pay for, a really highly recommended one, who will be like a pitbull when it comes to attacking your ex on your behalf.

I wouldn't have much confidence in the one you've seen to fight your corner for you. Sounds like they want an easy case.

Also if you are worried about paying solicitors fees - know that some will run a tab if there is proof of assets ie the house equity and a cash flow issue which is often the case. This is what was agreed for my DM with her financially controlling H.

There is a huge difference between a good divorce lawyer and a crap one. Go to Citizrns Advice and also ask on the Legal Forum here.

It’s not a “life”on the sofa, it’s a threadbare existence.
you are only in your 40s, this isn’t a life.
He wont change. So good legal advice is the first step.

I would start divorce proceedings. You might not think it, but you are so young to be living like this, and it will get worse as time goes on.

He values being a lazy slob and watching you all suffer and you being run ragged, whilst he in effect lives the life of riley with no responsibilities as a single man.

He doesn’t want to be part of your family, so I say let him. He’s done this, not you. So exclude him.

Close the door on him and don’t ever let him dictate to you. He is not part of your family. He’s orchestrated that all by himself.

Why should you and your DCs live upstairs. It should be the other way round. Can you convert the dining room and make it a lovely cozy place for you and your DCs.

I second getting a good lawyer - one who is on the front foot dealing with obfuscation and similar characters who try to use the legal system to punish their wives. Get personal recommendations for maybe 3 and interview them specifically on how they handle such characters - this is where their skill is evidenced - as it can be done legally online by any couple without a lawyer.

See their fee as an investment in getting the best most efficient deal and that they will protect you somewhat from his shenanigans.

My friend had to move lawyers as after 6 months she realised that they were not powerful enough - so it cost her twice and wasted time.

Spend time getting the best on board. They don’t even have to be local as much can be done via zoom.

Also with respect to your DP being aggrieved that their cash gift to the house will be 1/2 lost to him - I would suggest to them that they didn’t act responsibly as they could have wrapped that gift legally if they wanted.

Also remember that we should never JADE our feelings or decisions to others as this diminishes them. We don’t need to seek validation from others to convince them by Justifying Arguing Defending or Explaining any further than I have taken this decision and started the process and would like your support

Do you want out or not. That simple. If it is not, delete the thread and move on

His physical health will deteriorate rapidly if he carries on like this. Honestly he sounds like a huge lazy walrus (no offence to walruses). I honestly don't know how you can bear living with someone who inflicts this on you and your DCs.

You need to find a much better solicitor.

I know it's hard, but if you get shot of him your life will be so much better and you will be so pleased you did it.

This must be dragging you down every single day.

I have a close friend whose dad did exactly this. It was very damaging to everyone except the dad. The strategy has served him well for decades (if you ignore the sadness of a life unlived). My advice would be to leave asap.

The professionals telling you to accept this are not living with it. Nor would they. I had a situation where I was inappropriately lectured by professionals & once it dawned on me they would go nowhere near the situation I was in (which was supporting a friend in my home, not even family member, and friend was behaving appallingly) I ignored them. Their desire to get me to provide support at my expense was to make their job easier. Friend us still with us years later, still has issues, but is functioning well. Living life, not avoiding it.

The sticking point seems to be your parents? Just get therapy for that! It may not need many sessions to be able to move on.

In terms of finances could you move out and manage with universal credit topping up rent until the house is sold (is that allowed? I have no idea or will having the house as an asset mean you can’t claim). As you have identified he is not going to do anything.

Alternatively sell the house around him. Do not allow him into your new house. I’m sure he’ll find he can function well enough to get his needs met.

What would happen if you stopped doing anything for him in the house. So you said you are fully separating so he needs to make his own food etc. You’ll sort out the kids, he can just sort himself. Would he escalate and become agitated or sink back into depression?

Basically get out however you can financially, then deal with your feelings around the upset parents later

For everyone criticising the solicitor - this is your annual reminders that solicitors are not therapists and the law is the law, not what you’d like the law to be.

A very good piece of advice I was given: there’s no point looking for emotional support from a solicitor, that is not their job and it is a waste of your money. You have to be business-1like with them - stick to facts, be clear about the outcomes you want and would accept, ask practical questions (costs, timelines, next steps, risks).

A solicitor who advocates a strategy dictated by perceived moral justice rather than the law can be very dangerous and end up being even more expensive. It’s much better to have a realistic and pragmatic solicitor who is honest with you from the off.

Whether critical of the solicitor or not, I think the OP should get another opinion - I used this site to find a solicitor:

https://resolution.org.uk

I saw a female solicitor, in IMO that helped, and we went through everything in detail. It definitely wasn't 50:50. I think your case is complicated OP and you need better advice, a solicitor should cover the issue of him being at home and "unable" to provide for himself, your parents' contribution to the house and everything else. I paid for my initial appointment, I think it was an hour for £150 (in Kent) but well worth it. Because otherwise you are just going round in circles.

Having been through a separation process, legal fees are excruciating- £300+/hr to quote the law back at you & read a few emails.

It also depends on what part of the UK OP is in.

whilst a 2nd opinion might not hurt, spending thousands might not be in OP’s best interest.

Why not stay with him if divorce is hard but grey rock him. No sex. No chats, definitely tell him you won't be wiping his bum.

I love my husband but the idea of wiping his bum is revolting. I've never felt thar close to him to be OK with such a thing

Have you read the opening post properly? She’s already said they aren’t intimate.

She’s fed up of him being sat on the sofa permanently. They aren’t ‘chatting’ or having sex anyway so stopping this won’t do anything.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different answer.

At this point nearly ANYTHING is going to be an improvement.

Start taking back financial control. Get the details of all the accounts - bank, utilities, wages, loans. Start looking at where you can cut costs (with a focus on anything that will help get him moving or uncomfortable). Ditch pay TV, "do we really need a 2nd car?". See how he reacts. Are you worried he will get agro?

Take over the dining room as someone said and make it a 2nd living room. Start inviting people over - kids friends, your friends. Play fav music. Make happy noise there.

Get some real estate agents in to do appraisals. You don't have to list it, you are just looking at "what do we need to do it make it presentable for sale?". One a week, so he sees it's not just a flash in the pan idea.

Find out more about divorce laws and make contact with women's support organisations. I don't know enough about your divorce laws so can't advise but you need to know more or get advice tailored to your situation.

This is ridiculous - he can’t have 50/50 of the children’s time- is that seriously what is being suggested? Or 50/50 of assets?

Either way I would over the next 2 weeks make an hour by hour written log of his movements (or lack of them), and of every single domestic/childcare task you perform, pick ups, food, laundry, cleaning, clubs, etc etc, & every single thing you pay for. This will demonstrate he is completely unable to look after the kids for any time at all (being completely sofabound) and that since you need to have them full time, the financial settlement will need to reflect this. Then take that log to a different solicitor.

If you don’t get rid of him now, he will ruin what is left of your kids’ childhood & snaffle your inheritance from your own parents, too.

Above poster has a good idea, definitely keep a log. Definitely make the dining room your social space for you, children and visitors.

Divorce seems to have changed a lot since my day. It is worth shopping around a little to find a solicitor you think will genuinely help you and you trust.

Don't let this ridiculous situation continue, it must be badly affecting your children.