Really Heartbroken Part 2

[YourBrickTiger]

Someone suggested I post here, under a new title, so I hope it's not too repetitive but as always I value your support and help.

Hello, so I thought I'd post again, hope it's ok. There is a guy at work who is now showing me a lot of attention and he has told me that he knows it's making 'THE guy' jealous, but I'm not interested. But just an example of the behaviour that is condoned in here. And this one has me a bit shaken but I am so not interested in this guy in this way and have told him so. He is coming on really strong anytime he sees me alone and I just freeze. I am hopeless at dealing with this. He has my number as I legitmately thought he was a friend and now he is texting to say 'do you want a ride?'. I said in no uncertain terms 'no I don't, please stop that'. At work today, he comes up to me when we are alone and says 'I want to take you into the bathroom and bend you over the sink, I want to touch your boobs'. He then said 'when was the last time you had sex?' I just froze. I'm not in any way someone who has ever or will ever 'put it about', and I don't give out that impression to anyone. I've only ever slept with people I am in a relationship with. The last person I slept with was the man you all know about - and I deeply loved him. I don't even want to sleep with someone else while I'm going through what I am at the minute (those of you who know my story know what I mean). He even said he had an erection and showed me through his trousers. Luckily other members of the team arrived, but what am I doing wrong that this is now happening? I haven't given him any romantic interest, and don't discuss my love life/ex boyfriends or anything. He does know I was involved with 'the other guy' but I've made it clear that that was because I loved him.

So you’re still giving this guy headspace. CHOOSING to give him headspace. Every time he gives more evidence that he’s an abusive fucked up loser, you turn this round to ‘why doesn’t he want me instead of this’ and you twist it to mean you’re in some way unworthy. Er - no. It’s because he’s a fucked up loser. You have recently won the greatest lottery in your life, when he left you, but you’re determined to tear up that winning ticket. And in the meantime, you haven’t got the headspace left to sort out the REAL issues you’ve got going on, that you need to address. That you need help with but you won’t even ask for because your head is still full of his shit. If you don’t ask for - and accept - help, if you don’t or can’t change direction, I fear you will be broken beyond fixing. That would be a fucking great waste of a beautiful person.

I fear it is too late. When things start to make a person physically sick - believing someone sniffing coke and imaginary women is real - having my brother threaten my safety on a daily basis. Living in fear with no joy, no help in my home country, fearing every single day that myself and my cats are going to end up on the streets, or in some ramshackle housing estate.

Hearing how wonderful so and so is and has 'made it' in life....maybe it is just time to accept that not everyone is handed a fair deal and that some of us just don't have happy lives? I have tried so hard daily to get a solicitors advice, no one is ringing me back. I fear my brother has had some sort of break down or is drinking again in which case if a sale happens handing him a large amount of money would be insane. I am so lost and so very scared and in MY head everything is coming together as me simply being, useless to anyone.

You don’t need a solicitor right now your need a doctor. You are not well and coming across somewhat paranoid and you are struggling with obsessive negative thoughts. Can you call your GP?

No point there aren’t any appointments. Someone told me he was out socialising and he rang in sick to work. If he starts dating someone it will mean he’s a good guy won’t it? I think his sister is trying to set him up with one of her friends. Again.

I'm afraid I think this is right. You sound like you're spiralling @YourBrickTiger and to stop that, you should seek help. You are obsessed with this man, have very unhealthy and unrealistic thought processes about him and nothing anyone says on here seems to make you see that this is really bad for you.

But does that mean what everyone here has said about him isn’t true?? I don’t know what that means unrealistic thought processes??

OP, your anxiety is real, but the story your mind is telling you might not be. This is why you need to talk to a professional.

If it turns out that your mind is telling an untrue story, then this is a good thing for you as someone can help you find the real story and help you to feel better and you won’t feel like this anymore

But everything I have said here and on my other thread about him - it’s all coming undone now if he is seeing this woman! She’s a lot older than me - older than him too - but is his sisters friend so I think he will be better to her. He seems to find these women who are either getting divorced divorced or vulnerable in another way.

You are framing in your mind that everyone, especially Vietnamese women but anyone else must automatically be better than you if he "chooses" them. This is not true. You are not seeing any possibility of a life beyond him and it is at this point obsessional.

You honestly do need proper help to get beyond this.

It’s not meant that way. But in my mind I feel he cannot possibly be abusive or awful or any of the other things we have talked about if he is able to date someone else.

He seems to find these women who are either getting divorced divorced or vulnerable in another way

There you go. You do know what he's like.

Are you sure I’m not just clutching at straws? I need someone to tell me that even if he dates someone his sister is friends with that it doesn’t change who he is!

OP convicted paedophiles and murderers on death row have women write to them, visit, marry them. It doesn't mean they are then 100% innocent and a good person absolved of any previous wrongdoing just because they have a girlfriend.

Thank you. He just seems to do a job of working through his sisters friendship circle!

You've had nearly two threads worth of every single poster, myself included, telling you exactly this.

Because he knows they're vulnerable and he can take advantage. No sane woman with her act together would touch him with a ten foot barge pole.

For some reason I thought if it’s one of his sisters friends she must be sane, with her act together. She is continually trying to set him up. This will be, if I’m right, the third of her friends she has done it with. The first dumped him, the second told the sister to her face that he was not normal and now this, if I’m not conjuring it up in my head. The first girl moved away but later killed herself. I honestly don’t believe that was anything to do with him though.

Abusers and violent men often get into strings of relationships. It doesn't reflect positively on them, it just usually means they are able to hide certain characteristics and behaviour for long enough and manipulate partners into believing they are good men who are truly interested/in love with them. Almost never lasts though, which is what really matters and it sounds like this is the case here.

Thank you. I’m so sorry. My heart just feels like it’s breaking all over again. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Did you feel like your heart is breaking because you've "lost" this chap?

Yes. And because I don't understand why loving him for so long wasn't enough for him. Nearly 5 years of being there through it all, being patient, kind, loving - never enough. Then all the cruelty that came - if it's true he is with her, she won't be subjected to that. She's in her late fifties, slim and glamorous. I have no idea what is with this constant thing his sister has to do with setting him up with her friends. I didn't sleep a wink, just completely lost.

What if you imagine that anyone he's dating from now is a bad person too? Will that help you realise that you're a good person? Too good for him so he has to be mean to you while he goes on living what sounds like an awful life.
What he does from now on is no reflection on you, it's all on him.

Everything you've said about this man does not speak well of his character or treatment of women. However, you cannot make someone love you because you love them or have the relationship you want when they don't want it, however patient, kind etc you may be. I'd imagine most people on here have been hurt/wronged at some point, some after decades of marriage. The only possible healthy course is to try to get beyond it and you are "stuck" in a state where he has infinitely too much importance and thinking obsessively about him and whoever he might be seeing is the focus of your life.

You said yesterday when asked if you could call your GP No point there aren’t any appointments. Have you tried? Even if you have to wait to see them, it is a small step forwards.

I remember you mentioned you spoke to a counselor a few weeks ago and were waiting for a follow up. Did you have any more luck with that?

You can't love someone into loving you back. It doesn't work like that.