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Original poster

Really Heartbroken Part 2

216 replies

YourBrickTiger · 26/09/2025 15:40

Someone suggested I post here, under a new title, so I hope it's not too repetitive but as always I value your support and help.

Hello, so I thought I'd post again, hope it's ok. There is a guy at work who is now showing me a lot of attention and he has told me that he knows it's making 'THE guy' jealous, but I'm not interested. But just an example of the behaviour that is condoned in here. And this one has me a bit shaken but I am so not interested in this guy in this way and have told him so. He is coming on really strong anytime he sees me alone and I just freeze. I am hopeless at dealing with this. He has my number as I legitmately thought he was a friend and now he is texting to say 'do you want a ride?'. I said in no uncertain terms 'no I don't, please stop that'. At work today, he comes up to me when we are alone and says 'I want to take you into the bathroom and bend you over the sink, I want to touch your boobs'. He then said 'when was the last time you had sex?' I just froze. I'm not in any way someone who has ever or will ever 'put it about', and I don't give out that impression to anyone. I've only ever slept with people I am in a relationship with. The last person I slept with was the man you all know about - and I deeply loved him. I don't even want to sleep with someone else while I'm going through what I am at the minute (those of you who know my story know what I mean). He even said he had an erection and showed me through his trousers. Luckily other members of the team arrived, but what am I doing wrong that this is now happening? I haven't given him any romantic interest, and don't discuss my love life/ex boyfriends or anything. He does know I was involved with 'the other guy' but I've made it clear that that was because I loved him.

OP posts:
Uricon2 · 30/09/2025 19:21

II do maintain that there are certain things that some people never ever recover from and I struggle to believe there will ever be a time his face leaves my mind

It will if you let it. You've done well in seeking help and I hope it benefits you.

Original poster
YourBrickTiger · 30/09/2025 19:33

Hope it’s ok to ask a question. It’s regarding sex. I’m not the type to sleep with lots of people I have to know the man first and have feelings. Is that wrong? I’m not judging anyone either way that’s just me. If he does sleep around does it mean he is the ultimate stud muffin? Sorry - I just had to ask.

OP posts:
Omgblueskys · 30/09/2025 19:43

stud muffin
in British English
noun
slang
a sexually attractive young man,

Meaning sexy, handsome, but not sleeping around

AyzumSkayzum · 30/09/2025 19:44

I think we all need to be very careful answering this question, because remember you are in a very fragile state and are going to interpret things according to that. But no, you are not wrong to only sleep with people when you have feelings for someone, lots of people are like that. It doesn't matter what he does, because he is (as the therapist said) a narcissist. So not worth thinking about.

Original poster
YourBrickTiger · 30/09/2025 20:12

AyzumSkayzum · 30/09/2025 19:44

I think we all need to be very careful answering this question, because remember you are in a very fragile state and are going to interpret things according to that. But no, you are not wrong to only sleep with people when you have feelings for someone, lots of people are like that. It doesn't matter what he does, because he is (as the therapist said) a narcissist. So not worth thinking about.

Edited

Thank you just trying to establish that getting someone to sleep with you doesn’t mean you are George Clooney.

OP posts:
Bittenonce · 30/09/2025 22:25

YourBrickTiger · 30/09/2025 20:12

Thank you just trying to establish that getting someone to sleep with you doesn’t mean you are George Clooney.

Show quote history

Be careful - I can see you tying yourself in knots over this question so easily…..Bottom line is that he’s undeserving of love from anyone, least of all you.

NorthernGirl1975 · 01/10/2025 08:00

Just a thought though I don't want you to obsess over it. Didn't you say this guy's wife who's divorcing him is Vietnamese? Think about that when you ponder if he'd treat Vietnamese women better than Irish or English. She's divorcing him for a reason which is probably that he's a twat.

Original poster
YourBrickTiger · 01/10/2025 09:42

NorthernGirl1975 · 01/10/2025 08:00

Just a thought though I don't want you to obsess over it. Didn't you say this guy's wife who's divorcing him is Vietnamese? Think about that when you ponder if he'd treat Vietnamese women better than Irish or English. She's divorcing him for a reason which is probably that he's a twat.

Thanks so much that means a lot, yes she is. We all warned him (back about 10 years ago) but he wouldn't listen. This is long before I had feelings for him. But he used to talk to her on the phone in front of the guys and she didn't speak English. The word is he put her on the phone and said 'show them your tits'. I don't know whether she did or not.

I don't know how you communicate or have a relationship with someone who doesn't speak English. But anyway, that's by the by - as I said she only held on for a year apparently and then said she didn't love him anymore. So that would have been the second wife who did so. They started living separately and I saw how hurt he seemed to be but he wasn't (in public) showing any devastation or anything. They were still in the same house, and she had her boyfriend move in. He complained he had to listen to them doing the deed and said she was never as passionate with him. I remember having a conversation with him on the phone one evening and he had to go and tell them to stop arguing. Then she apparently moved another guy in who was 'illegal' and my guy was telling people he was trafficked. But even with all this I felt so bad for him because I thought he was trapped in something. I tried to still be there for him.

Last year, they had to pretend to still be in a happy relationship in order for her to get her citizenship, which he was paid for. Then she told him to get out of the house. So you can see why I'm so confused as to why he keeps ties to that family and community. It all seems like a more preferable option than a normal relationship. But yes, I thought it was all about the looks of that race, maybe it actually doesn't matter.

OP posts:
NorthernGirl1975 · 01/10/2025 10:07

More evidence that he is bonkers.

Original poster
YourBrickTiger · 01/10/2025 10:56

NorthernGirl1975 · 01/10/2025 10:07

More evidence that he is bonkers.

It does make me very sad, for his sake. But I have a heart.

OP posts:
Smittenkitchen · 01/10/2025 13:21

YourBrickTiger · 01/10/2025 09:42

Thanks so much that means a lot, yes she is. We all warned him (back about 10 years ago) but he wouldn't listen. This is long before I had feelings for him. But he used to talk to her on the phone in front of the guys and she didn't speak English. The word is he put her on the phone and said 'show them your tits'. I don't know whether she did or not.

I don't know how you communicate or have a relationship with someone who doesn't speak English. But anyway, that's by the by - as I said she only held on for a year apparently and then said she didn't love him anymore. So that would have been the second wife who did so. They started living separately and I saw how hurt he seemed to be but he wasn't (in public) showing any devastation or anything. They were still in the same house, and she had her boyfriend move in. He complained he had to listen to them doing the deed and said she was never as passionate with him. I remember having a conversation with him on the phone one evening and he had to go and tell them to stop arguing. Then she apparently moved another guy in who was 'illegal' and my guy was telling people he was trafficked. But even with all this I felt so bad for him because I thought he was trapped in something. I tried to still be there for him.

Last year, they had to pretend to still be in a happy relationship in order for her to get her citizenship, which he was paid for. Then she told him to get out of the house. So you can see why I'm so confused as to why he keeps ties to that family and community. It all seems like a more preferable option than a normal relationship. But yes, I thought it was all about the looks of that race, maybe it actually doesn't matter.

Show quote history

Exactly this!! It doesn't actually matter!

Original poster
YourBrickTiger · 01/10/2025 15:41

Smittenkitchen · 01/10/2025 13:21

Exactly this!! It doesn't actually matter!

Edited
Show quote history

You mean race/colour doesn't matter?

OP posts:
AyzumSkayzum · 01/10/2025 15:47

Nothing to do with him matters. That's the thing to keep reminding yourself. Every time your brain wants you to tie yourself in knots with whys, remind yourself that nothing to do with him matters in the slightest.

Original poster
YourBrickTiger · 01/10/2025 16:06

AyzumSkayzum · 01/10/2025 15:47

Nothing to do with him matters. That's the thing to keep reminding yourself. Every time your brain wants you to tie yourself in knots with whys, remind yourself that nothing to do with him matters in the slightest.

I get that but I ask specifics because that is how my mind is.

OP posts:
IfIHadAHeart · 01/10/2025 16:43

You’re not in love with him. You’re obsessed with him, yes, but obsession and love are not the same thing.

You need to walk away from everything connected with him, for your own health and sanity. New job, the works. This level of scrutiny over the tiniest details isn’t normal or healthy. It’s time to actively make decisions and changes that put you in a healthier place.

He sounds like a complete loser. I’m not sure why you are attaching so much importance to anything related to him. Who cares why he does anything? He is not a catch in any way, but you must force yourself to have a clean break in order to see that.

Original poster
YourBrickTiger · 01/10/2025 22:33

IfIHadAHeart · 01/10/2025 16:43

You’re not in love with him. You’re obsessed with him, yes, but obsession and love are not the same thing.

You need to walk away from everything connected with him, for your own health and sanity. New job, the works. This level of scrutiny over the tiniest details isn’t normal or healthy. It’s time to actively make decisions and changes that put you in a healthier place.

He sounds like a complete loser. I’m not sure why you are attaching so much importance to anything related to him. Who cares why he does anything? He is not a catch in any way, but you must force yourself to have a clean break in order to see that.

I was in love with him. Yes I was and with all due respect they’re my feelings. I loved him very very much. I’m not obsessed with him. I am obsessed with figuring out what has happened to me and my mind as a result of loving him. There is a huge difference.

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 01/10/2025 22:37

YourBrickTiger · 01/10/2025 22:33

I was in love with him. Yes I was and with all due respect they’re my feelings. I loved him very very much. I’m not obsessed with him. I am obsessed with figuring out what has happened to me and my mind as a result of loving him. There is a huge difference.

Show quote history

I have three questions.

What exactly do (or did) you love about him?

If he’s only good to Vietnamese women (which he’s obviously not), how does that make him less of a shit human being?

Have you ever been in a healthy functional respectful relationship?

IfIHadAHeart · 01/10/2025 22:52

It’s not love.

You will not be happier until you choose to be. Distance yourself from him in every way. Fill your life with other things - hobbies, books, nature. You will find over time you will think of him less and less and start to feel better. Be honest with yourself about why you continue to work in the same, frankly horrible, workplace. It’s so you can keep tabs on him. Things will only improve when YOU take steps to make your life better.

Original poster
YourBrickTiger · 02/10/2025 10:32

IfIHadAHeart · 01/10/2025 22:52

It’s not love.

You will not be happier until you choose to be. Distance yourself from him in every way. Fill your life with other things - hobbies, books, nature. You will find over time you will think of him less and less and start to feel better. Be honest with yourself about why you continue to work in the same, frankly horrible, workplace. It’s so you can keep tabs on him. Things will only improve when YOU take steps to make your life better.

I have to refute that - I absolutely have not stayed at my job to keep tabs on him. Nothing of the sort. I hear things in passing because I worked in the team he is a part of - which I have now left. If anyone does attempt to tell me anything, if I am quick enough I will always say, 'I can't discuss this, please stop'.

I have worked extremely hard to get into the job I am in, and I don't see why I should have to give it all up because of him. Added to which, I am aside from him, extremely happy and very well thought of here. I have been through so much trauma, not just him - my parents death etc, and at the minute I am in NO mindset to go anywhere else.

I appreciate your comments though and maybe in time I will find the strength to just walk away from all of it. I have started to wonder what a new city would be like for example. I know that is a choice.

With regards to what I loved about him, I do think I love the person I thought he was, the one who called me for five hours, seemed interested in my life and welfare, was kind to me, protective of me and would defend me. The person who seemed so lost and heartbroken and who wanted love. The man who made me laugh till I cried and someone so unique. I don't know where he went.

MY logic which I've told the therapist I want to work on, tells me that he is good to Vietnamese because they are perfect.

OP posts:
Original poster
YourBrickTiger · 02/10/2025 10:46

And no, I guess none of my romantic relationships have been healthy. When I look back, they have been controlling. Even how my brother speaks to me is controlling.

OP posts:
NorthernGirl1975 · 02/10/2025 11:00

MY logic which I've told the therapist I want to work on, tells me that he is good to Vietnamese because they are perfect.

That's not logic at all. That's your conclusion based on your interpretation of an immensely flawed person's behaviour.

It's not a fact.

IfIHadAHeart · 02/10/2025 17:11

YourBrickTiger · 02/10/2025 10:32

I have to refute that - I absolutely have not stayed at my job to keep tabs on him. Nothing of the sort. I hear things in passing because I worked in the team he is a part of - which I have now left. If anyone does attempt to tell me anything, if I am quick enough I will always say, 'I can't discuss this, please stop'.

I have worked extremely hard to get into the job I am in, and I don't see why I should have to give it all up because of him. Added to which, I am aside from him, extremely happy and very well thought of here. I have been through so much trauma, not just him - my parents death etc, and at the minute I am in NO mindset to go anywhere else.

I appreciate your comments though and maybe in time I will find the strength to just walk away from all of it. I have started to wonder what a new city would be like for example. I know that is a choice.

With regards to what I loved about him, I do think I love the person I thought he was, the one who called me for five hours, seemed interested in my life and welfare, was kind to me, protective of me and would defend me. The person who seemed so lost and heartbroken and who wanted love. The man who made me laugh till I cried and someone so unique. I don't know where he went.

MY logic which I've told the therapist I want to work on, tells me that he is good to Vietnamese because they are perfect.

Edited
Show quote history

You wouldn’t be giving the job up “because of him”. You’d be doing it because the only way you will ever be able to break this pattern of obsessive thoughts is to move away from him, completely. You’d be doing it because it’s the best and kindest thing you can do for yourself. Even aside from him, your place of work sounds horrendous. I read your previous thread where you claimed people masturbate at work and there is non stop sexual conversations.

At the end of the day whatever you are currently doing to deal with this, isn’t working. You’re months down the line from your first thread, and haven’t improved. It’s time to take responsibility for your own wellbeing, and make a change.

Cookingupmyfirstbornson · 02/10/2025 17:59

IfIHadAHeart · 02/10/2025 17:11

You wouldn’t be giving the job up “because of him”. You’d be doing it because the only way you will ever be able to break this pattern of obsessive thoughts is to move away from him, completely. You’d be doing it because it’s the best and kindest thing you can do for yourself. Even aside from him, your place of work sounds horrendous. I read your previous thread where you claimed people masturbate at work and there is non stop sexual conversations.

At the end of the day whatever you are currently doing to deal with this, isn’t working. You’re months down the line from your first thread, and haven’t improved. It’s time to take responsibility for your own wellbeing, and make a change.

Show quote history

Gotta agree with this OP, you're not getting any less obsessed doing what you're doing so you need to change.

Original poster
YourBrickTiger · 02/10/2025 20:41

Cookingupmyfirstbornson · 02/10/2025 17:59

Gotta agree with this OP, you're not getting any less obsessed doing what you're doing so you need to change.

Show quote history

Take your points but can I ask that the use of the word obsessed be stopped? It makes me sound like Im a psycho when I have been badly hurt. The word really frightens me.

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 02/10/2025 22:40

YourBrickTiger · 02/10/2025 20:41

Take your points but can I ask that the use of the word obsessed be stopped? It makes me sound like Im a psycho when I have been badly hurt. The word really frightens me.

Show quote history

No. It is an accurate description of what is happening here and sugarcoating that helps nobody. You are obsessed.

MY logic which I've told the therapist I want to work on, tells me that he is good to Vietnamese because they are perfect.

You know that this is utter nonsense. It’s also weirdly racist. There are circa 100 million Vietnamese people. They are real, living breathing human beings, going about their business. They are not some idiot’s fetish wish fulfilment. Please stop buying into this, as it’s actually quite offensive.