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Original poster

Really Heartbroken Part 2

216 replies

YourBrickTiger · 26/09/2025 15:40

Someone suggested I post here, under a new title, so I hope it's not too repetitive but as always I value your support and help.

Hello, so I thought I'd post again, hope it's ok. There is a guy at work who is now showing me a lot of attention and he has told me that he knows it's making 'THE guy' jealous, but I'm not interested. But just an example of the behaviour that is condoned in here. And this one has me a bit shaken but I am so not interested in this guy in this way and have told him so. He is coming on really strong anytime he sees me alone and I just freeze. I am hopeless at dealing with this. He has my number as I legitmately thought he was a friend and now he is texting to say 'do you want a ride?'. I said in no uncertain terms 'no I don't, please stop that'. At work today, he comes up to me when we are alone and says 'I want to take you into the bathroom and bend you over the sink, I want to touch your boobs'. He then said 'when was the last time you had sex?' I just froze. I'm not in any way someone who has ever or will ever 'put it about', and I don't give out that impression to anyone. I've only ever slept with people I am in a relationship with. The last person I slept with was the man you all know about - and I deeply loved him. I don't even want to sleep with someone else while I'm going through what I am at the minute (those of you who know my story know what I mean). He even said he had an erection and showed me through his trousers. Luckily other members of the team arrived, but what am I doing wrong that this is now happening? I haven't given him any romantic interest, and don't discuss my love life/ex boyfriends or anything. He does know I was involved with 'the other guy' but I've made it clear that that was because I loved him.

OP posts:
NorthernGirl1975 · 02/10/2025 23:49

@ForZanyAquaViewer The man is a deranged racist. Both him and the other guy the OP mentioned have committed sexual harassment.

  • Unwanted sexual comments or advances
  • Exposure and masturbation in the workplace

These actions are insane create a hostile work environment and can be traumatic for the victims.

He also isn't good to Vietnamese because his Vietnamese wife got a divorce!

Original poster
YourBrickTiger · 03/10/2025 09:14

NorthernGirl1975 · 02/10/2025 23:49

@ForZanyAquaViewer The man is a deranged racist. Both him and the other guy the OP mentioned have committed sexual harassment.

  • Unwanted sexual comments or advances
  • Exposure and masturbation in the workplace

These actions are insane create a hostile work environment and can be traumatic for the victims.

He also isn't good to Vietnamese because his Vietnamese wife got a divorce!

Thank you, it has been traumatic on every level. And he has said in front of me that those women are (suggested different) and was bragging about getting an erection in front of Ladyboys so I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to think. Please try to understand, he's seen my body, he's seen me naked and it just feels like a really cruel comparison.

OP posts:
NorthernGirl1975 · 03/10/2025 09:33

You're supposed to think he's disgusting, and you wouldn't go near him, that's what you're supposed to think!

MsPavlichenko · 03/10/2025 09:34

YourBrickTiger · 02/10/2025 20:41

Take your points but can I ask that the use of the word obsessed be stopped? It makes me sound like Im a psycho when I have been badly hurt. The word really frightens me.

Show quote history

It’s possible to have been badly hurt, and also be obsessed, which is how you are coming across. It’s not an insult, but an observation. It’s good you have got some help, but endlessly trying to work this chancer out is a complete waste of your time. Distraction and distance ( emotionally ) will help you move forward. This endless going round in circles won’t.

Again I know you’re ND, that means it’s very difficult for you to stop the obsessing, but it doesn’t mean it’s impossible. You need to look at strategies here, it will help you now and in the future.

Original poster
YourBrickTiger · 03/10/2025 09:51

MsPavlichenko · 03/10/2025 09:34

It’s possible to have been badly hurt, and also be obsessed, which is how you are coming across. It’s not an insult, but an observation. It’s good you have got some help, but endlessly trying to work this chancer out is a complete waste of your time. Distraction and distance ( emotionally ) will help you move forward. This endless going round in circles won’t.

Again I know you’re ND, that means it’s very difficult for you to stop the obsessing, but it doesn’t mean it’s impossible. You need to look at strategies here, it will help you now and in the future.

Show quote history

But it doesn't mean you think I'm a psycho does it? I promise I'm not. I have never ever bothered him or endangered him and never would.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 03/10/2025 09:57

YourBrickTiger · 03/10/2025 09:51

But it doesn't mean you think I'm a psycho does it? I promise I'm not. I have never ever bothered him or endangered him and never would.

Show quote history

No, of course not. But you’re harming yourself by continuing to go over it all, and endlessly speculating about the whys and wherefore. He’s an abusive, vile misogynist. He used you, and other women. You need to get him out of your head. Even filling your free time will help, go to the cinema , for a swim or whatever. Put a band round your wrist, ping it when you think of him . Look online for other ideas.

Original poster
YourBrickTiger · 03/10/2025 10:03

MsPavlichenko · 03/10/2025 09:57

No, of course not. But you’re harming yourself by continuing to go over it all, and endlessly speculating about the whys and wherefore. He’s an abusive, vile misogynist. He used you, and other women. You need to get him out of your head. Even filling your free time will help, go to the cinema , for a swim or whatever. Put a band round your wrist, ping it when you think of him . Look online for other ideas.

Show quote history

Thanks that's really kind. I just went through such a period of thinking because of what he'd said and done, I wasn't worth any happiness, not even going to a movie. I thought I had to hide away.

OP posts:
NorthernGirl1975 · 08/10/2025 00:47

How are things with you @YourBrickTiger ?

Original poster
YourBrickTiger · 08/10/2025 09:18

NorthernGirl1975 · 08/10/2025 00:47

How are things with you @YourBrickTiger ?

I really appreciate you asking. I'm doing the best I can, trying to make some changes and working really hard. I'm a bit nervous as I have to see him next week and there's always that panic over what mood he will be in. I'm rehearsing just staring at my computer and not interacting.

OP posts:
NorthernGirl1975 · 08/10/2025 18:24

YourBrickTiger · 08/10/2025 09:18

I really appreciate you asking. I'm doing the best I can, trying to make some changes and working really hard. I'm a bit nervous as I have to see him next week and there's always that panic over what mood he will be in. I'm rehearsing just staring at my computer and not interacting.

Show quote history

Why do you have to see him? Are you on a work project together or something?

Original poster
YourBrickTiger · 09/10/2025 09:10

NorthernGirl1975 · 08/10/2025 18:24

Why do you have to see him? Are you on a work project together or something?

Show quote history

Not a project as such but due to his job and mine, it sometimes means we have to cross over if there is an event on. Last time there was one, he ignored me until he saw another one of the men talking to me and then of course he started jumping in to the conversation.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 09/10/2025 10:41

YourBrickTiger · 09/10/2025 09:10

Not a project as such but due to his job and mine, it sometimes means we have to cross over if there is an event on. Last time there was one, he ignored me until he saw another one of the men talking to me and then of course he started jumping in to the conversation.

Show quote history

Well, this time you can take control. Be prepared. Have a phrase ready, smile and say hello then move away. If needs be go to the toilet, or to get coffee. Stop letting him call the shots. If you have a plan you’re much more likely to cope.

He’s a complete waster, concentrate on living your life without him in it, and especially out of your head. This is an opportunity for you to make progress. Think how good you’ll feel if you are able to hold it together when you see him.

Original poster
YourBrickTiger · 09/10/2025 11:02

MsPavlichenko · 09/10/2025 10:41

Well, this time you can take control. Be prepared. Have a phrase ready, smile and say hello then move away. If needs be go to the toilet, or to get coffee. Stop letting him call the shots. If you have a plan you’re much more likely to cope.

He’s a complete waster, concentrate on living your life without him in it, and especially out of your head. This is an opportunity for you to make progress. Think how good you’ll feel if you are able to hold it together when you see him.

Show quote history

Thank you - do you have any tips for a 'phrase'? I get really tongue tied.

It's predictable he will either:

Stand in silence and ignore me
Speak to me like nothing bad happened
Speak to me only when another man is seen doing so
Make some sort of awful comment to put me down subtly

I'm keeping busy at the minute with outside activities. I hadn't gone into this in detail because I didn't want anyone thinking 'oh she's just being dramatic and making stuff up' - I am an actor and have got some work over Halloween and Christmas. Just character stuff in scare houses and fun stuff with the kids. It's the stuff he said 'someone might punch you f that' when I was looking for some support. But I'm trying to give it my all.

OP posts:
kellygoeswest · 09/10/2025 11:45

Oh that's exciting about the acting stuff, I hope it's fun!

I honestly would just give him nothing to go off, don't give him an ounce of information about your personal life. Just a civil "hi" and then back to what you're doing. He deserves nothing more than that.

Original poster
YourBrickTiger · 09/10/2025 11:51

kellygoeswest · 09/10/2025 11:45

Oh that's exciting about the acting stuff, I hope it's fun!

I honestly would just give him nothing to go off, don't give him an ounce of information about your personal life. Just a civil "hi" and then back to what you're doing. He deserves nothing more than that.

Good advice. I've found that anything I do tell him is either mocked or slighted or used against me as evidence later on. Is that another thing they do?

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 09/10/2025 12:14

Yes, just acknowledge him with a hello or a nod. If he asks after you, a breezy “ Fine thanks” then move away, need to talk elsewhere, remember a place you have to go etc. He probably will try to engage you but don’t bite!

kellygoeswest · 09/10/2025 12:52

YourBrickTiger · 09/10/2025 11:51

Good advice. I've found that anything I do tell him is either mocked or slighted or used against me as evidence later on. Is that another thing they do?

Show quote history

It's definitely a thing men like him do. I don't understand the psychology behind it but I think generally its insecurity, like the only way they can get a self-esteem boost is by undermining others.

With people like this you just have to give them nothing they can use.

Original poster
YourBrickTiger · 09/10/2025 13:10

kellygoeswest · 09/10/2025 12:52

It's definitely a thing men like him do. I don't understand the psychology behind it but I think generally its insecurity, like the only way they can get a self-esteem boost is by undermining others.

With people like this you just have to give them nothing they can use.

Show quote history

Yes you're right I trusted him so much and he used so much against me even when I had depression (which he claims he had in the past) and was struggling to get out of bed he said 'I heard you're not washing?' and he said it in front of my supervisor. 😓

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 09/10/2025 13:15

YourBrickTiger · 09/10/2025 13:10

Yes you're right I trusted him so much and he used so much against me even when I had depression (which he claims he had in the past) and was struggling to get out of bed he said 'I heard you're not washing?' and he said it in front of my supervisor. 😓

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Stop this. Stop obsessing and analysing. Give him a cordial and dismissive ‘hello’ when you see him, and no more. Let this be the end.

BetterOffNow · 09/10/2025 13:36

ForZanyAquaViewer · 09/10/2025 13:15

Stop this. Stop obsessing and analysing. Give him a cordial and dismissive ‘hello’ when you see him, and no more. Let this be the end.

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Agreed. If you let him see he has no effect on you he'll get bored and stop the silly comments. Even if you're feeling it in your head don't let him see that you place any importance on him and his actions and you'll soon be able to convince yourself of this too.

Original poster
YourBrickTiger · 09/10/2025 13:38

BetterOffNow · 09/10/2025 13:36

Agreed. If you let him see he has no effect on you he'll get bored and stop the silly comments. Even if you're feeling it in your head don't let him see that you place any importance on him and his actions and you'll soon be able to convince yourself of this too.

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Like...grey rocking is that what it is called?

OP posts:
BetterOffNow · 09/10/2025 13:39

YourBrickTiger · 09/10/2025 13:38

Like...grey rocking is that what it is called?

Show quote history

Just googled it as I hadn't heard of that term, but yes! Exactly that

Original poster
YourBrickTiger · 09/10/2025 13:40

BetterOffNow · 09/10/2025 13:39

Just googled it as I hadn't heard of that term, but yes! Exactly that

Show quote history

Got something right finally! (Kidding). Thank you x

OP posts:
Klagglie · 09/10/2025 16:36

Sorry Op I haven’t been involved on your posts until now but I have read your posts.

This man sounds awful in so many ways.

All I wanted to say and it might be a repeat of what someone else has said but the draw of Vietnamese women is probably the power he has over them

he has more money than they do, and he will enjoy having ‘power’ to give things to them and then take it away. Such as a visa or cash and the idea of giving them a better life. He is probably getting off on their vulnerability. This is narcissism.

If these women are feeling very desperate to better their situations (to take care of their families financially) they might be driven to do things they don’t really want to do and put up with awful behaviour from someone like this. It’s not that they are more attractive or they like him, it’s that he gets off on them living in poverty and that he has the power over them to basically buy them. I don’t know if you can see that this is transactional and what your counsellor talked about.

Original poster
YourBrickTiger · 10/10/2025 09:36

Klagglie · 09/10/2025 16:36

Sorry Op I haven’t been involved on your posts until now but I have read your posts.

This man sounds awful in so many ways.

All I wanted to say and it might be a repeat of what someone else has said but the draw of Vietnamese women is probably the power he has over them

he has more money than they do, and he will enjoy having ‘power’ to give things to them and then take it away. Such as a visa or cash and the idea of giving them a better life. He is probably getting off on their vulnerability. This is narcissism.

If these women are feeling very desperate to better their situations (to take care of their families financially) they might be driven to do things they don’t really want to do and put up with awful behaviour from someone like this. It’s not that they are more attractive or they like him, it’s that he gets off on them living in poverty and that he has the power over them to basically buy them. I don’t know if you can see that this is transactional and what your counsellor talked about.

Thank you so very much for taking the time to write this. It means a lot and is what I needed to hear. I am so conscious of my looks and weight and thought the reason he didn't want to be with me was because I'm the wrong race. I have heard from my counsellor that it's transactional but it's so hard to believe that someone would want to live like that (him I mean) and I didn't realise Vietnam was somewhere that some women want to escape from. He obviously doesn't see an issue in what he is doing because he has been warned over and over by people who know him to just stop going there and find a nice woman here. But he won't listen. God forgive me but I am starting to hope it's to his downfall one day. What I have been put through has to have some sort of justification in the end. I don't want to see him hurt, but it's just not right how he behaves.

Thank you so much again.

OP posts: