Really Heartbroken Part 2

[YourBrickTiger]

Someone suggested I post here, under a new title, so I hope it's not too repetitive but as always I value your support and help.

Hello, so I thought I'd post again, hope it's ok. There is a guy at work who is now showing me a lot of attention and he has told me that he knows it's making 'THE guy' jealous, but I'm not interested. But just an example of the behaviour that is condoned in here. And this one has me a bit shaken but I am so not interested in this guy in this way and have told him so. He is coming on really strong anytime he sees me alone and I just freeze. I am hopeless at dealing with this. He has my number as I legitmately thought he was a friend and now he is texting to say 'do you want a ride?'. I said in no uncertain terms 'no I don't, please stop that'. At work today, he comes up to me when we are alone and says 'I want to take you into the bathroom and bend you over the sink, I want to touch your boobs'. He then said 'when was the last time you had sex?' I just froze. I'm not in any way someone who has ever or will ever 'put it about', and I don't give out that impression to anyone. I've only ever slept with people I am in a relationship with. The last person I slept with was the man you all know about - and I deeply loved him. I don't even want to sleep with someone else while I'm going through what I am at the minute (those of you who know my story know what I mean). He even said he had an erection and showed me through his trousers. Luckily other members of the team arrived, but what am I doing wrong that this is now happening? I haven't given him any romantic interest, and don't discuss my love life/ex boyfriends or anything. He does know I was involved with 'the other guy' but I've made it clear that that was because I loved him.

I can't see it, I don't understand. I'm sorry about yesterday to you as well.

They won't lock you up. Please don't use this as an excuse not to seek help.

I'm not at all, I came here because when I say I don't have anyone, I literally do not have ANYONE. I thought it was ok to come here to talk. I'm happy that your head is in a good place and you can walk away. I had to look up 'flagellate' as I don't know what it means, but I am most certainly not doing that. If I can't come here, I won't know what else to do. The GP if I get through will put me through the same awful NHS system that has let me down before. And I can't afford a professional counsellor. I'm not 'using' this thread for anything other than someone to talk to.

Yes, for anxiety and depression. Maybe some things aren't fixable. The name calling by him and other people, the isolation, the constant comparison to the Vietnamese, it's all left me feeling I'm not enough now and never will be. Even being told the guy I fell for is abusive, hasn't went in. Every time I look in the mirror, I just see a plain Irish girl. Not some exotic oriental beauty. But with my hand on my heart I can promise you all, I loved him. And sadly I just don't think I will ever get over it. I'm really sorry everyone.

It's because I know he is going back there. It automatically triggers me because I think with all he's been offered (not just me, his children, the promise of a better future here that he could do HIMSELF with what he earns) he will not listen to anyone and Vietnam is always always the better option. It's so painful because I just see the WOMEN, for his kids it's painful because they see him choosing the V kids over them.....it's sick I know but he told everyone people he had 'manscaped' when he was coming to see me, which is how intimate we were so when I hear about him going back to that country, to me it translates as there is something really wrong with MY body, or that I couldn't please him or something. It's torturous for me.

You need to speak to a mental health crisis team. Nobody is going to lock you up. The fact that you even think this is proof you need actual real life help. Please call them. You aren't talking or engaging with people on here, you are just repeating your vein point constantly.

You don’t have anyone there for you? It’s not true, you know that.
Plenty of good people here have given you open ended support and advice, but you won’t accept it.
You saw a therapist who spoke a lot of sense but you decided she didn’t know or understand.
You won’t or can’t accept what’s causing your problems, you won’t or can’t change the toxic things in your life.
Sometimes I want to weep

I'm in love with an ordinary Irish guy from Co. Mayo. I prefer him to anyone "exotic". He's ace.

Op have you gone into work today, if so have you decided to report the pest your working with,
Hope your having a better day today

Yes @YourBrickTiger do.

Contact your union

Contact HR

Email the man's line manager and copy in the manager's manager explaining what happened. Prepare these in advance and schedule them to go out immediately after the email to the union and HR

Write a timeline of everything that happened right from the start. Keep it factual. Nobody cares about his preferences for Vietnamese women, focus on the actual actions, that they're illegal and how it's affecting the workplace.

It's two separate men. The first one was the one I was involved with, the second is a colleague.

@Bittenonce I know that I'm sorry I meant anyone in this country in my life, next door, a friend in this country.

I think I'm getting it, doing ok with the therapy I was having and then it's all undone by someone saying 'he just wasn't into you'. It makes it all seem that none of the things we have discussed in my original thread are true, and it's a justification for his behaviour - that's all I hear. I need to believe that regardless of any nationality that he is a BAD guy, not that he won't be bad to someone because of their nationality and being more into them!!!!

I understand it's two different men however they both need reporting.

I'm just getting the feeling that if they are Vietnamese he won't be as vile, or vulgar or nasty to them. Is that true?

I've written a timeline about the second guy but I'm absolutely terrified.

There's no justification for anything he's done. He might prefer Vietnamese women because they may be compliant. Who knows? Nobody here can answer that for you.

Does it mean he won't treat them badly, based on their looks? 😓

Obsessing over questions like this isn't helping you.

There have been some really helpful, thoughtful replies on this thread (and your previous one) but you seem focused on centering him.

You've already had reassurance over and over that it's not about looks, or weight, or race.

The women in Vietnam are a fantasy. He has no responsibility or long-term commitment to them.

For whatever reason - one which you will never be able to resolve or fix on his behalf - he actively chooses treats the people in his life poorly, including his ex-partners and children. That's simply who he is.

Going by your descriptions he's nothing more than a miserable bully and a misogynist who has brought you nothing but pain and disappointment. He is bringing you down, and so is your workplace.

It's up to you to decide whether or not to take your life off hold and move on from him.

Obviously it's much easier said than done, and you can't just turn thoughts and feelings off, which is why many users here have recommended seeking professional support.

Ok, I've reached out to a support service - a free one, that offers counselling near where I live. I am NOT going to the GP to be put through that awful system - they are useless and I'd be sent to the hospital that I have been sent to before and all I was offered was this stupid EMDR and a woman sat every week for an hour tapping my hand and talking about things that happened when I was 3.

It does help me to talk about Vietnam because if he treats us all badly based on us NOT being from there - it means he isn't the problem. That's what I'm trying to ascertain. Maybe I was only treated that way because I'm not from there. But he did dump a Vietnam woman too because she was phoning him all the time and asking for money. And his second wife from there didn't even speak English.

But what can you do about that? You can't make yourself Vietnamese?

Even the ugliest person on planet earth deserves to be free from abuse.

There's no need to be so hostile. I appreciate you've had a negative experience with the NHS too, I have too. I'm currently under the care of an AMHS outpatient facility, which was the result of an NHS referral. Their support has saved my life.

You've just said here that he has also treated a Vietnamese woman poorly and dumped her.

It's not about the women, or where they're from, or whole skinny they are, or how they look.

He is the problem and he's not yours to fix.

I get that but it isn't what I'm asking. I'm asking if you feel he would be just as awful to a vietnamese person. Because if he isn't, then this whole nightmare is based on my nationality. I can't change it but it means there is nothing wrong with him after all, if that's all it was?

I didn't even realise I was being hostile I'm sorry.

Yes he dumped her after he had come back into work bragging about how he 'fu his wife's auntie'.

That's okay, I know you're dealing with a lot, I remember your posts about your brother before too.

Honestly even from that comment, can't you see how cruel he is? He doesn't respect any woman who has ever been in his life. It's nothing you ever did or could ever fix.

Yes , yes he would treat them badly . He hates women , all women . He can’t even treat his own children right. He’s a terrible human being .