OK so, need to stress that this is in no way undermining the great advice I've been offered here but many of you have encouraged me to talk to a professional so that's what I did and your voices were in my head spurring me on. It took me about an hour to pluck up the courage.
The counsellor listened, without interrupting, but I could hear dismay in her voice when she did talk and the silence seemed to indicate how upsetting she found it. She even mumbled under her breath 'I'm not surprised' when I told her that he had been divorced twice.
So I told her the whole thing, or as much as I could in 45 mins. She didn't speak once, but when I stopped she immediately said,
"This is not you. This man shows classic signs of narcissism." I couldn't believe she had only heard a condensed version of what was going on and I was frightened of what she might say, incase she didn't think there was an issue, but she said that 'he isn't capable of having a real relationship. Everything is transactional and he will continue doing that with everyone he meets. Even his kids are a transaction."
She said that he wants someone who just idolises him - and I did - so why was that not enough? She said he wants someone to idolise him and then when they do he gets fed up. I would love someone to idolise me.But now I have it in my head it's ok to be idolised, as long as it's by a Vietnamese person.
When I told her his kids don't talk to him she said that tells me all I need to know. She stressed it's nothing to do with me, that this is him, what he does and it has nothing to do with race, nationality, skin colour - although I do still struggle to believe it. She said that he has treated me terribly, so wrong, and that he doesn't deserve another second of my time.
I just don't know if I will ever stop loving him or be able to get him out of my mind. But I want to, I've had enough now. The counsellor said 'let him go and find less then', so maybe that's what I should do. I absolutely know in my heart he will never find anyone who loves him with the depth that I do and I guess, that is his loss. I'm not Asian, I'm not stick thin, but I am real and I would have done anything for him. He won't find that again.
He seems content to keep running towards misery, rather than from it, going back to a country where he has said his ex has treated him terribly but wants to maintain contact with her family for whatever strange reason, leaving his own kids behind him. The thing that scares me is that in the past he has said 'those women are....', implying they are better, or sexier or something. He even got turned on by ladyboys, which I obviously can't compete with.
I'm not sure I will ever get over it. In my head, he is something that maybe he is not. I trusted him. I thought he was someone who was a good man who would never hurt anyone, but it seems I have been very wrong. I don't know who the man is who held me in his arms as I slept and told me I was his soulmate - the man who knew that I had loved him so much for YEARS before ever admitting to it. Who is he? How did he change from 'the most beautiful man' to someone who shouted at me, humiliated me and decided to tell people he wasn't comfortable with me using his cup even though we had been intimate together, the man who told my colleagues he was 'hiding in the toilets' and told people to tell me that. Who is he? I had this version of him in my head where it's me and him, just watching tv or going on holiday like he said we would. It's like he took off a mask and put on another one. I feel so incredibly stupid for falling in love.
The behaviour has me screwed up so badly because I don't know whether I am any of the good things he said. I only know how much I loved him, but that was wrong too apparently in how I expressed myself. Then I hear he's jealous when he hears someone else is showing me attention. I'm angry too because he kept saying 'I just need time, just give me time'. I gave him 4 years of my life, and had had feelings for him even before that and he KNEW this. But he pushed me away at every single step and his to-ing and fro-ing although something I thought I could handle, has just been too much even for someone as strong as I have been in other areas of my life. How anyone could suggest sleeping in my Mum's room with me knowing I'd lost her, saying he'd be with me every step of the way and then desert me the next morning.... I thought it was due to my less than perfect body.
I won't be going near any men again, I know that much. I'd always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I just want to concentrate on myself and my pets. Even if people think that's sad, the love I have for them surpasses everything else. I know I am kind, I know I am loyal and I know no matter what he did I always tried to show him that I accepted him for all his issues, it was very real love for me. But it was never ever good enough and that is the big issue I'm left with. I have become so focussed on not being thin or pretty enough or put together well enough that it's eating away at me to the point I've made myself so ill.
So I asked the Lifeline lady if I could have some counselling sessions and I have to wait until tomorrow for a referral callback. I'm really hoping it helps.
I have to stress none of this takes away from any of the wonderful support you guys have given. I do maintain that there are certain things that some people never ever recover from and I struggle to believe there will ever be a time his face leaves my mind. I hope in time it does and that I can start to feel better about myself and that his criticism and the pain he and others who have been involved can fade. In some ways it feels like the start of completely letting him go, which I thought I would never have to do. Nearly crying saying that. I hadn't imagined any world for the past few years where I'd have to live without him. He's the only man I've ever truly loved and this is gonna be really hard.
I hope I can report back.