Really Heartbroken Part 2

[YourBrickTiger]

Someone suggested I post here, under a new title, so I hope it's not too repetitive but as always I value your support and help.

Hello, so I thought I'd post again, hope it's ok. There is a guy at work who is now showing me a lot of attention and he has told me that he knows it's making 'THE guy' jealous, but I'm not interested. But just an example of the behaviour that is condoned in here. And this one has me a bit shaken but I am so not interested in this guy in this way and have told him so. He is coming on really strong anytime he sees me alone and I just freeze. I am hopeless at dealing with this. He has my number as I legitmately thought he was a friend and now he is texting to say 'do you want a ride?'. I said in no uncertain terms 'no I don't, please stop that'. At work today, he comes up to me when we are alone and says 'I want to take you into the bathroom and bend you over the sink, I want to touch your boobs'. He then said 'when was the last time you had sex?' I just froze. I'm not in any way someone who has ever or will ever 'put it about', and I don't give out that impression to anyone. I've only ever slept with people I am in a relationship with. The last person I slept with was the man you all know about - and I deeply loved him. I don't even want to sleep with someone else while I'm going through what I am at the minute (those of you who know my story know what I mean). He even said he had an erection and showed me through his trousers. Luckily other members of the team arrived, but what am I doing wrong that this is now happening? I haven't given him any romantic interest, and don't discuss my love life/ex boyfriends or anything. He does know I was involved with 'the other guy' but I've made it clear that that was because I loved him.

@YourBrickTiger have you ever heard of the shark cage analogy?

https://ccp.net.au/the-shark-cage-metaphor-in-abusive-relationships/

This is something that benefitted me to learn about when I was younger. This applies to all women not just the women in Vietnam, and I don’t know for certain if he is preying on disadvantaged women but I strongly suspect he is from what you say. and the more disadvantaged a woman is (socially and financially) the more vulnerable she is sadly.

You are also vulnerable and you need to keep yourself safe. A safe community around you can help you build up your shark cage and once the bars are strong they will not be able to reach you

Yes I have heard of it. Have yet to put it into practice though.

I know you don't know for sure, but even if he isn't preying on disadvantaged women does that change anything you've said? About him?

Today has been awful. I need to talk and it isn't even about him. My brother has cut me off since June because I thought he was ill and rang an ambulance for him. He asked me not to but he was seeing things so I thought it was best. He had to spend a few hours in a and e and because of this, he says he is no longer my friend and can no longer trust me. I live in our parents house and I have to buy him out but he has demanded the money pretty much NOW (since his hospital stay). I am doing my best to negotiate how to find a solicitor and an evaluation for the house while also working 3 jobs. He has rang me twice today and is being really really nasty and abusive. He is saying things like 'when I talk you will be SILENCED and saying that I am bi polar, accusing me of making a statement to the hospital that I didn't make and making reference to my 'erratic' behaviour while my Mum was dying in hospital.

I feel like I have been put on this earth to be abused by men that I love. My father being the exception. And I lost him in my early 20's. I've had what I thought was an evaluation done and my brother said I have went about it wrong and that he will now be taking it over and 'ramping things up a notch'.

I really love my brother and have no intentions at all of taking any money from him or not giving him what he is owed. When I agreed to live in my parents house, he told me he trusted me and I didn't have to worry for a long time about the money as he was making enough of his own. Now since the hospital stay he has turned on me and says he doesn't trust me anymore. But he is putting things in my head that I did not do, much like this man did. I really do feel useless and feel like just ending things so he gets the whole house. I have done nothing my whole life but protect my brother and look out for him especially during his alcoholism. Now any time I see him, he insults me, says I have low intelligence, that I'm incapable of understanding basic things and he records our conversations on his mobile. I'm just a target no matter how hard I try. I tried to reach out to a friend that I was scared and she sent me back a message that read 'oh dear'. I'm literally terrified. But more than that I feel it's proof I'm the problem if the two men I loved the most are both treating me like this. It HAS to be a fault with me.

Anyone here?

Your brother sounds like he has mental health problems. You need to get a solicitor. x

Hi op, has your brother always been abusive? It would explain attracting this type of men in your life.
if he has cut you off then stay cut off. He needs to cool off himself. Spending a few hours in A&E is not like spending time in jail. He clearly still is being affected by alcoholism, at least his brain is. It’s time to detach yourself from his issues, contact a solicitor, if you must send a message somehow to say you meant no harm, but that’s it. By the sound of it your DB is batshit crazy, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it were still connected to alcohol consumption.
come and talk to us on here, let it all out. Sometimes strangers are better at helping than family or friends.
Just remember, if it doesn’t kill you it makes you stronger.
Have some confidence in yourself! You can do this! 🤗

Thank you. Every time I think I'm making headway something else happens. I seriously wondered about just ending my life last week because I'm so done. I'm frightened too. Only the cats keep me here. I really have tried so hard to do right by my brother and he said on Friday 'you are not my friend and I don't trust you', which just cut me like a knife. Between him and the man I loved, how am I supposed to not think I'm at fault? I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Op, whenever I had crap coming from people I would shake myself off thinking I was done with the crying and that everything bas was only making me stronger, better equipped to deal with whatever was coming my way.
Try and turn the negatives into positives: you had a shitty bf, you stood up to him and told him exactly what you thought of him. You sent an ambulance to your brother- you are a caring sister, despite what he thinks.
Start paying more attention to yourself, these bad times in your life are meant for you to look at yourself, get to know yourself better and in the end work on your boundaries.
Spend time with your cats and try and do something for yourself too; I know it is hard having 3 jobs but hopefully the promotion will slow you to work a bit less.
You’ve done brilliantly so far, don’t give up!

These men don’t want or appreciate someone trying to help them, you being a good person highlights their flaws and what they don’t like about themselves. This is why people say to surround yourself with positive energy and block out the negative. People who just spend all their time feeling negative want to drag you down into their pit of despair. Misery loves company.

I can’t imagine being the type of person who would be able to sleep at night if I didn’t call an ambulance for someone who I thought needed it. So you are a good person

Problem is he is ashamed and embarrassed of himself - this isn’t YOUR problem. You might even have done him a favour as addiction is often secretive and relies on everyone keeping the addiction a secret. He’s just angry you didn’t follow his alcoholic secrecy and exposed him, he is too unwell to be talking rationally this is not how well people speak to others is it

Life is like that - it will throw multiple things at you at once, doesn't mean you've done anything to deserve that.
I lost my lovely dad and my marriage ended within a few months of each other so could have interpreted this as 'all the men in my life leave me', but it's just a coincidence.
You may find your own vulnerabilities can attract men who will take advantage of them though, so maybe that's something to work on with your therapist, to improve you own self worth so that you project a less vulnerable woman to those around you.
As I said before, if you can convince yourself you're invincible, others will start to believe it too!

OP, have you heard of Cooley's Mirror Theory? It's a psychological theory that says people's self-worth isn't based on how they see themselves, or even on how other people see them -- but instead, on how they imagine other people see them. You're tying yourself in knots trying to respond to how you imagine these men in your life view you. You can never know for sure what's in their minds. You just can't. You're chasing smoke and mirrors and it will never bring you the happiness you deserve. That will only come from within you.

You say you're an actor -- that's fantastic. Try this as a daily Method acting exercise: start playing the role of a confident woman, who knows she's a good person and deserves good things, and who takes no shit off anyone. How would this woman think, what would she say, what actions would she take? Put yourself in her mindset and play that role to the hilt on a daily basis. Do and say what she'd do and say. Believe it. Play the role.

The brain's basically a computer. If you tell it you're worthless, it will believe you and generate negative, 'worthless' thoughts. If you tell it you're confident and deserve good things, it'll believe that too -- and your thoughts and actions will start to follow.

I don't mean this to sound simplistic; it isn't. But I truly think if you change your current mindset, you could change your life.

Thank you that's a great idea. My favourite actress and role model, when she was researching the character that made her famous, started with her clothes, then her heels, then her make up.... I'd be willing to try that. Anything really.

I guess I'm just astounded my brother is behaving this way. He knew how the man treated me and he ended his conversation the other day by saying 'and you know ***? I don't believe you about that either'. My brother was never abusive to me before this hospital incident.

Things have been really rough here. My brother is continuing to threaten me with regards to his half of the money for the house. I'm trying my best and have contacted a solicitor and had the house valued. All at his request. Now that I've done this, my brother isn't answering my calls or texts. I'm deathly afraid and anxious that I'm going to end up on the streets as I don't think I will get a mortgage.

Then I come into work this morning and hear that the guy may be back on the cocaine and has been ringing in sick. When I heard this, I left my pass on the counter, and he lifted it and said 'did you get that pic taken for Halloween?'. So now I'm feeling really ugly on top of everything else. Sorry just needed to talk this morning I hope it's ok.

Firstly what that idiot at work says or his opinion on anything is worth less than a fly's toilet paper so ignore him and if he's on cocaine so what? It's not your problem to deal with. If he's off sick, good, you don't have to see him!

What he said is something a 10 year old would say. He's just trying to annoy you so don't rise to his stupid remarks.

I'm sure someone with more knowledge than me will be along to advise you about the house. Why do you think you couldn't get a mortgage?

No this wasn't my guy it was a different one. I didn't think I was that bad looking. It hurt. But with regards to the cocaine it does just feel like any route in life is better than being with me.

I don't think I can get a mortgage as I have debt. Not a fortune in debt but some. I just feel like everything is falling apart and I'm not meant to be happy. No love, ugly, and now no home.

Him doing cocaine is absolutely no reflection on you. Zero. Whoever is passing on such bits of information to you about him, say to them "I don't want to know, you needn't tell me anything about him."

What if it means he's surrounded by a harem of gorgeous women? Does any of that mean I'm not good enough and that he is a prince? I'm having a nightmare in my head of them all sniffing coke off him :(

I mean, would you really want to be involved in something like that? All it means is he is involved in criminality, substance misuse and exploitation of vulnerable women. This doesn't sound like the kind of world you would participate in at all so all you should do is get as far away from it as possible. And it should only serve as a reminder that he is no good. As a PP said, anything to do with aesthetics is the absolute least of why he has interest in women of any particular type, the most attractive thing to him is whether he feels he has power over them. What you need to work on is your own self-esteem as then he would have no power over you at all.

Please forgive me for this because I am really screwed up, but he's choosing that lifestyle over me, so I thought it meant those women were all better? That they can offer him something I can't? He's 54 for God's sake, what sort of a life is he leading?!

Surely you know this is absolutely ridiculous.

I don't. That's why I asked. 😢

No it means he's an idiot.

You've been told he's taking coke. Somehow you've turned that into a cabal of stunning women attending to him as if he's some kind of Adonis.

This is why you need to leave that job to have any vague hope of breaking your obsession.

You've been told he's taking coke. Somehow you've turned that into a cabal of stunning women attending to him as if he's some kind of Adonis.

Exactly this.

You KNOW it doesn't mean that. You know it.

I don't. All I can think of is that that lifestyle is so much better with better women or something.