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Original poster

DH pressuring me to have a baby

212 replies

Autumnseason28 · 21/09/2025 14:43

Changed username for this.

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years. I have two children from a previous marriage, age 13 & 10.

When we met he made it clear he wanted a child, at that time I explained I was open to the idea but didn’t mind if I didn’t. We have had period where we were trying but we’ve had a few relationship issues and life stresses and it was always then put iton the back burner, including my father being diagnosed with a terminal illness.

My dh is at the point now where he says I’m not committed to our relationship because I’m not planning for our future (ie a baby). To be honest our relationship has deteriorated so much that I think it would be madness to consider. I’m almost 40, have a job and run my own business as well as looking after my two kids. After many many arguments I’ve now told him I now longer want to have another baby, life has changed for me and I know I wouldn’t cope with a new baby at my age and considering everything I’m already dealing with.

He is understandably massively upset but won’t accept what I’ve said. He has been miserable for a long time now, for various reasons but mostly because he says I’m not planning for our future (baby). He’s adamant he would support me being pregnant, take the load off when the baby arrives but I feel he has no idea the complexities and how difficult a new child is. He’s putting all his eggs in one basket so to speak that having a baby will make him happy again, which to me is completely naive.

After many more arguments I’ve told him he needs to accept I’ve said no to a baby and be happy / content with our life or else leave me and find someone else. He doesn’t want to do either so is constantly pressuring me to change my mind.

I honestly don’t know what to do and I feel like I’m on eggshells all the time waiting for another ‘relationship talk’ and dealing with his unhappiness.

what can I do?

OP posts:

Needspaceforlego · 27/09/2025 18:54

Op when will you get a chance to talk to your Mum?

outerspacepotato · 27/09/2025 18:55

I think you need more support than your mom, honestly. I think you need a male or two there. Do you have friends or friends' brothers that would come help out? This guy has turned verbally abusive and he follows you around the house harassing you for a baby when you've already told him to go find someone else to have a kid with.

He knows you don't want a baby.

He wants the cozy setup he's got and you're just going to have to bite the bullet and tell him it's time to leave. You might have to involve the police. But you said earlier he's been miserable for a long time and you are too so this relationship is past its expiration date. Your kids will be better off without an abusive bf around, believe me.

Empress13 · 27/09/2025 19:28

I can see this from both sides in that you did say you were open to having a child I’m guessing he doesn’t have any? But he is completely out of order pressurising you like this. The relationship is going nowhere I can’t see how this can be solved as you both want different things. Let him go so that he is free to have the child he wants. Yes it will be hard but not as hard as having to put up with a baby at your age and a relationship where you will despise him for forcing you into something you really don’t want

Tigerhoods · 28/09/2025 08:30

Good luck with it, OP. It's tough but you can do it. Good idea to get your mum involved. I bet she'll be pleased to help.

wantmorenow · 29/09/2025 09:55

Good luck OP. He sounds thoroughly unpleasant and your future self will thank you for standing firm against his pressure.

user0345437398 · 29/09/2025 10:00

Autumnseason28 · 21/09/2025 15:04

The reason I haven’t chucked him out is because of the effect it would have on my children, they love him. I’ve been divorced 10 years but I had one other long term relationship and he upped and left when he realised he didnt want to commit. The kids were devastated. How can I do this to them again?

By doing it and then never doing it again after this.
Is being single really so horrific?

user0345437398 · 29/09/2025 10:03

Autumnseason28 · 22/09/2025 16:13

Thanks to everyone who had posted, I’ve been reading and re-reading them and trying to process everything.

I have come to the realisation from this thread that I am a coward. For not ending it sooner, for being so scared of ending it now. I wish I could fast forward to a point where the break up and process of moving out is done, because I know how awful it will be. He won’t make it easy. But I need to put my big girl pants on and do the difficult thing.

I’ve never used the word harass to describe how he is treating me but that does actually feel like what is happening now. For example yesterday morning I hadn’t even gotten out of bed and the first thing he said to me was ‘can we have a relationship talk’ which is just talking about having a baby, nothing else. I told him I wasn’t having the conversation again and he proceeded to follow me around the house telling me we need to be able to talk about this like grown ups (how patronising). I asked him multiple times to leave me alone and eventually I just exploded. I couldn’t take it anymore. And then he was shocked by my reaction. He doesn’t see the damage he’s doing by acting this way and that his behaviour is doing nothing to convince me to have a child with him, it’s doing the opposite. But he can’t help himself.

I agree in a way that the reason he hasn’t left before now is because he would have to go back to his mums. He’s said before if we broke up that he would have to leave with nothing whilst I still have my house, kids etc. He’s also very insecure about himself (despite coming across initially as very confident) and would hate to be seen as the ‘bad guy’. He regularly mentions people ‘assassinating his character’ including me if I ever have an issue about anything to do with him. I think this stems from things that happened to him growing up and he cares too much about what other people think of him and being perceived in any other way except as a good person.

I do need to stress that I do validate his feelings and I’ve told him this, it’s just the way he’s going about it and his behaviour is not ok. But I also have my feelings and when I’ve expressed them he doesn’t have the respect for me to accept them. His opinion and feelings trump mine. I’ve also told him that I feel like just an incubator because he’s never said ‘I want a baby with you’ or ‘I want us to have a baby’, it’s just been ‘I want a baby’ ‘I want to be a dad’

Change the locks while he's out and send his essentials via Uber to his mum's house then cut contact aside from any contact he wants with the kids possibly. Don't communicate about anything else at all.

outerspacepotato · 29/09/2025 15:42

I’ve also told him that I feel like just an incubator because he’s never said ‘I want a baby with you’ or ‘I want us to have a baby’, it’s just been ‘I want a baby’ ‘I want to be a dad’

He wants an incubator who can also provide him with a ready made comfy nest. That would be you.

Your nest is for you and your kids, not someone who wants it for themselves and a cement baby to lock you down more. I would bet your kids are seeing the change in you. Do you want them to see you become a shadow of yourself because you're afraid to kick a boyfriend who's turned abusive to the curb? No, you need to show them what to do with an abusive man, and that is getting rid of them.

MinnieGirl · 11/10/2025 10:22

Any update OP?

JFDIYOLO · 12/12/2025 00:31

OP, any update?

GeorgeEdwardsMum · 12/12/2025 04:49

Unmarried, it wouldn't even be up for discussion in your situation.

Pr1mr0se · 08/01/2026 08:37

Pressuring you to have a baby as a sign of commitment before marriage is bonkers.

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