DH pressuring me to have a baby

[Autumnseason28]

Changed username for this.

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years. I have two children from a previous marriage, age 13 & 10.

When we met he made it clear he wanted a child, at that time I explained I was open to the idea but didn’t mind if I didn’t. We have had period where we were trying but we’ve had a few relationship issues and life stresses and it was always then put iton the back burner, including my father being diagnosed with a terminal illness.

My dh is at the point now where he says I’m not committed to our relationship because I’m not planning for our future (ie a baby). To be honest our relationship has deteriorated so much that I think it would be madness to consider. I’m almost 40, have a job and run my own business as well as looking after my two kids. After many many arguments I’ve now told him I now longer want to have another baby, life has changed for me and I know I wouldn’t cope with a new baby at my age and considering everything I’m already dealing with.

He is understandably massively upset but won’t accept what I’ve said. He has been miserable for a long time now, for various reasons but mostly because he says I’m not planning for our future (baby). He’s adamant he would support me being pregnant, take the load off when the baby arrives but I feel he has no idea the complexities and how difficult a new child is. He’s putting all his eggs in one basket so to speak that having a baby will make him happy again, which to me is completely naive.

After many more arguments I’ve told him he needs to accept I’ve said no to a baby and be happy / content with our life or else leave me and find someone else. He doesn’t want to do either so is constantly pressuring me to change my mind.

I honestly don’t know what to do and I feel like I’m on eggshells all the time waiting for another ‘relationship talk’ and dealing with his unhappiness.

what can I do?

So what? You just stay with this man forever because your kids will be upset if you split up, even though he is emotionally manipulative and things haven’t been good for a long time? If the relationship has deteriorated and you’re having arguments that can’t be good for your kids to be around, are you just going to wait until it gets worse and the two of you can’t stand each other? Or until you give in and have a baby and it blows an even bigger hole into the relationship and he leaves anyway? Do you really think that would be better for your kids than ending it now whilst things are still amicable? If he’s that important to the kids and them to him just because you two end things doesn’t mean he can’t still be involved, I know families where the ex-stepdad has maintained contact with the ex-stepkids.

Leave this man, and wait until your kids are grown up before introducing another man into their lives and leaving them with the fallout of another failed relationship.

Op you need to take control over this,
The children will understand your reasons as to why the relationship has ended, yes they have a relationship with this man but at the end of the day, you have changed your mind, you have your family job, and don't want to go back to that baby stage again that's OK op your body your choice, but you need to control this for your perspective op the children will be fine,

Delete

I suspect that you are vastly over estimating how attached your children are to this man. They are on the edge of the teenage years when they become more attached to their friends , their hobbies and social life etc.

But even if you are right, they surely he will go on seeing the kids if he loves them so much ? There’s nothing to stop him having them for weekends and taking them out for a MacDonalds / picking them up from football during the week.

This with bells on

Whatever is causing his demons/ feelings of inadequacy/ depression a baby won’t cure them. As an older women your body could struggle, statistically you are more likely to have a multiple pregnancy, and what is more you have made it clear you don’t want another child. If he can’t recognise that your arguments for not having another child trump his on every level then you need to rethink your relationship, because it doesn’t sound as though he will ever stop bringing it up as a stick to beat you with whenever you have a disagreement in the future.

Your children loving him is not a reason to stay.
Things are already bad and will deteriorate further.
How long before it starts to affect them?

Do not have a baby with this person. If he doesn’t accept that or change you need to end it. As your kids hit teenage years they will be less attached anyway. Won’t be great, but probably less than last time.

How can I do this to them again?

They'll get over it. Frankly, my mom's boyfriends and fiances were nothing to me. You let this bf stick around even after you had relationship problems.

Keeping him there shows them it's okay to not listen to your partner's no. That it's ok to disregard your partner's body autonomy and be coercive. That's what you're showing them right now.

Did it affect your relationship with your mum at all?

I’m not sure it would be appropriate to explain the issues with my children if we break up though? They aren’t aware of any issues, we have these conversations/ arguments when they are with their father

They’ll obviously sense the tension op

come on… they aren’t 1 and 4

God no don’t have a baby with this man. Go your separate ways op.

I honestly think he should have counselling but I don’t know how honest he would be and therefore how helpful it would be. I know he has rang counselling services on several occasions when he’s been upset over a conversation but came back saying on one occasion how the male counsellor agreed that his want for a baby was completely natural, therefore making out I was unreasonable.

I should point out that I have said his feelings are valid but then so are mine?? And it’s unfair to keep pressuring me. If anything if just puts the nail in the coffin for me

If you're not married thats even 100 times more of a reason not to have a kid with him. The ammount of women on here that have children before marriage and then end up completely fucked over because they have no legal safety net is a warning to everyone.

Honestly my DH and I had a kid at 37 and even though we have a lovely supportive marriage of many years having a baby puts a bomb in your relationship and we sometimes get a bit snappy with one another. If your relationship is already on the rocks it will completely smash it to bits and then you'll be left holding the baby.

Honestly I would leave him, your children will recover. It is much better that the relationship end now than they see it deteriorating into low level snarky abuse and emotional blackmail. He's a bloke, assuming you're the same age he's got time to start again. And he can't be pissed off with you for not wanting a baby if he won't even commit to marriage nor be a nice enough partner to you before you even go down that route.

Even putting aside the baby op, the relationship if rotting away.

If anything if just puts the nail in the coffin for me

so start planning

did he move in with you?

Exactly. I’ve told him a baby won’t fix things, it will do the exact opposite and the relationship needs to be in a good place before even considering a baby. He thinks it would be ‘magical’ and we need to be positive about it. Completely naive in my view.

Also, I no longer have any intention of getting married, as it would be inheritance that would be at risk. He wouldn’t lose anything

Yes he moved in with me

Well that makes it easier

was he renting before?

No, lived with his mum

Oh. So in his mid thirties, and living with his mum. Right.

So you’ve been stringing him along for 3 years and are now cross he’s upset. He needs to find the right relationship for him… this isn’t it

Don’t do it! If nothing else, you’ll likely be hitting peri menopause in the early years, and then menopause as they start to become a teenager.

Given you won’t be married (I understand why) and he moved in with you from his mum, sounds like he’s romanticising the whole thing. What’s to stop him
finding it too hard once the baby’s here and leaving you to it?

You need to end the relationship. Nothing good will come from staying together when he wants a child and you don't.