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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH pressuring me to have a baby

212 replies

Autumnseason28 · 21/09/2025 14:43

Changed username for this.

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years. I have two children from a previous marriage, age 13 & 10.

When we met he made it clear he wanted a child, at that time I explained I was open to the idea but didn’t mind if I didn’t. We have had period where we were trying but we’ve had a few relationship issues and life stresses and it was always then put iton the back burner, including my father being diagnosed with a terminal illness.

My dh is at the point now where he says I’m not committed to our relationship because I’m not planning for our future (ie a baby). To be honest our relationship has deteriorated so much that I think it would be madness to consider. I’m almost 40, have a job and run my own business as well as looking after my two kids. After many many arguments I’ve now told him I now longer want to have another baby, life has changed for me and I know I wouldn’t cope with a new baby at my age and considering everything I’m already dealing with.

He is understandably massively upset but won’t accept what I’ve said. He has been miserable for a long time now, for various reasons but mostly because he says I’m not planning for our future (baby). He’s adamant he would support me being pregnant, take the load off when the baby arrives but I feel he has no idea the complexities and how difficult a new child is. He’s putting all his eggs in one basket so to speak that having a baby will make him happy again, which to me is completely naive.

After many more arguments I’ve told him he needs to accept I’ve said no to a baby and be happy / content with our life or else leave me and find someone else. He doesn’t want to do either so is constantly pressuring me to change my mind.

I honestly don’t know what to do and I feel like I’m on eggshells all the time waiting for another ‘relationship talk’ and dealing with his unhappiness.

what can I do?

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 22/09/2025 18:33

Autumnseason28 · 22/09/2025 16:35

I have tried to be cool and calm, but he pushes and pushes until I can’t take it anymore. I dread the days the kids are with their dad because I know it will start again

Edited

He's becoming abusive with you. Following you around verbally badgering you after you've asked him to stop is abusive.

Your stress comes through in your writing here. Do you really think your kids don't sense that? They do.

It's time for him to leave. You tell your kids that sometimes relationships don't work out because people can have deep disagreements on things. But you can't let him stick around. When he's out, all ties are cut.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 22/09/2025 18:41

It seems to me that you've said everything you need to say here. There are no magic words that you can say that are going to make him stop his harassment, and there are no magic words that he can say that will make you want to have a kid with him.

Now is time for action. You have to grasp the nettle and tell him, "Joe, our relationship is over. It's not working. I can't give you what you want, you need to be free to find someone who wants to give you that. I want you to leave my house as soon as possible."

I personally think texting first can be a good way to break through in cases where people are not listening (because they don't want to). It will also stand as evidence (for the police) that you've told him you're ending the relationship, in case he refuses to leave and you have to evict him.

Make sure you're safe during this period. Tell your loved ones what is going on, and if you have any concerns, make sure they're nearby to render assistance/call the cops if he does start to become violent.

ETA And keep repeating the key line: "Our relationship is over. You have to leave as soon as possible." No matter what he says - you've been future faking, you're mean, you're a liar, blah blah blah.

"Our relationship is over. You have to leave as soon as possible."
"Our relationship is over. You have to leave as soon as possible."
"Our relationship is over. You have to leave as soon as possible."

If he threatens suicide, call the authorities.
If you feel frightened by him, call the cops.

Original poster
Autumnseason28 · 22/09/2025 19:08

outerspacepotato · 22/09/2025 18:33

He's becoming abusive with you. Following you around verbally badgering you after you've asked him to stop is abusive.

Your stress comes through in your writing here. Do you really think your kids don't sense that? They do.

It's time for him to leave. You tell your kids that sometimes relationships don't work out because people can have deep disagreements on things. But you can't let him stick around. When he's out, all ties are cut.

Show quote history

thank you, you’re right they probably do sense something. My tolerance levels for him have dropped drastically recently because of all this. But I do feel so so bad for him that I don’t want this anymore, well that I don’t want a child anymore. I wish we could go back to being us two years ago

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnseason28 · 22/09/2025 19:09

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 22/09/2025 18:41

It seems to me that you've said everything you need to say here. There are no magic words that you can say that are going to make him stop his harassment, and there are no magic words that he can say that will make you want to have a kid with him.

Now is time for action. You have to grasp the nettle and tell him, "Joe, our relationship is over. It's not working. I can't give you what you want, you need to be free to find someone who wants to give you that. I want you to leave my house as soon as possible."

I personally think texting first can be a good way to break through in cases where people are not listening (because they don't want to). It will also stand as evidence (for the police) that you've told him you're ending the relationship, in case he refuses to leave and you have to evict him.

Make sure you're safe during this period. Tell your loved ones what is going on, and if you have any concerns, make sure they're nearby to render assistance/call the cops if he does start to become violent.

ETA And keep repeating the key line: "Our relationship is over. You have to leave as soon as possible." No matter what he says - you've been future faking, you're mean, you're a liar, blah blah blah.

"Our relationship is over. You have to leave as soon as possible."
"Our relationship is over. You have to leave as soon as possible."
"Our relationship is over. You have to leave as soon as possible."

If he threatens suicide, call the authorities.
If you feel frightened by him, call the cops.

Edited

Thank you, honestly it will be the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

OP posts:
Needspaceforlego · 22/09/2025 19:23

Good luck Op,

Left · 22/09/2025 19:24

Just rip off that plaster and tell him to get out.

You’ve got this OP!

AgnesX · 22/09/2025 19:29

Autumnseason28 · 21/09/2025 16:22

As I’ve said, I’ve offered him two choices, stay and learn to be content or leave and find someone to have a baby with. He’s not bound to me in any way.

if he won’t choose then obviously I will leave.

Show quote history

I think that the good ship contentment has long sailed.

Added to him leaving his mum's to move in with you makes it sound that you've already got another child. I'm inclined to feel you need to bring this to an end for everyone's benefit.

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 19:36

Autumnseason28 · 22/09/2025 19:09

Thank you, honestly it will be the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Show quote history

Really? To ask someone to leave who has been relentlessly following you around, ignoring your pleas for him to stop? It will be heaven when he leaves op

Mix56 · 22/09/2025 20:34

Plus I think at the ages they are at, your DC will understand that sadly, P really wants a baby which is natural & he clearly should be free to find a lady who also wants a baby. but you really are unable to have one for multiple reasons, (too old, potentially not even able not enough money, not enough band width, don't want them to have step-siblings, you already have your two wonderful kids & they are your priority. & P is increasingly upset, so you have both decided to split up.

Sodthesystem · 22/09/2025 21:19

I don't know how you can stand it another second op. He's so creepy!

I hope you're not risking having sex with him as he totally seems like he would tamper with your birth control.

Just rip the bandaid off next time the kids are away and tell him to leave.

You say he will make it difficult. It reminds me of the saying 'never marry anyone who would be horrible to divorce'. People in our lives should be morally sound. Someone who deliberately makes your life harder just because you don't do what they want or, you split up with them is not someone to keep around you or your kids. He's not a safe person.

decenteringmen · 22/09/2025 22:59

Throw. Him OUT.

Dery · 22/09/2025 23:20

“Thank you, honestly it will be the hardest thing I have ever had to do.”

But surely living in this miserable relationship is harder?

Can you reframe this? You’re not going to have a baby with this man. He won’t be happy without a baby. By ending it, you’re doing the both of you a favour. And the sooner, the better.

KarenW · 23/09/2025 09:30

Please get him to leave, you seem to be tying yourself in knots to appease this abuser . And he is abusing you by following you around relentlessly and ignoring your wishes entirely. Have someone with you in the house when you tell him to move out, if that would be safer for you.

Emanwenym · 23/09/2025 09:49

Can you reframe this? You’re not going to have a baby with this man. He won’t be happy without a baby. By ending it, you’re doing the both of you a favour. And the sooner, the better.

He won’t be happy WITH a baby.

Dery · 23/09/2025 09:56

@Emanwenym - i expect you’re right. Either way, the OP doesn’t want a baby and he does and the relationship has become deeply unhappy and needs to end - the baby incompatibility and provides a straightforward reason to end it.

N0Tfunny · 23/09/2025 18:23

Autumnseason28 · 22/09/2025 16:27

The same as always, back to not speaking to each other, or just being civil. Until the next time the kids are away and he’ll start again. I e told him everything that you’ve said here, multiple times. He says he can’t accept it and repeatedly asks the same questions, again. It just goes round in circles

Show quote history

He is now bullying you and trying to intimidate you . He's showing how nasty he can be and will continue to be until you say and do what he wants.

You know what you need to do OP. No more discussions, no more “ i dont accept this “. It’s your house and he needs to leave because it’s over.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 24/09/2025 18:18

How is it going, OP?

Sheiswaiting · 25/09/2025 07:48

What drew you to a man living with his mum, who had zero savings to contribute to house purchase and who very actively wanted children when you already were the single parent of two children and closer to 40 than 30?!

and now how he’s behaving?

shudder

Original poster
Autumnseason28 · 27/09/2025 18:20

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 24/09/2025 18:18

How is it going, OP?

Hey everyone,

Not much of an update on this end, we haven’t spoken since the last argument. He’s trying to speak to me and act normally. But I’m done. I can hardly even look at him. I know I need to tell him to leave. Too much has happened and too much has been said that I can’t come back from. I need to work up the courage to say the actual words.

OP posts:
Emanwenym · 27/09/2025 18:25

Thanks for the update. Just tell him that the relationship isn't working for you any more and that he has to leave.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/09/2025 18:27

Autumnseason28 · 27/09/2025 18:20

Hey everyone,

Not much of an update on this end, we haven’t spoken since the last argument. He’s trying to speak to me and act normally. But I’m done. I can hardly even look at him. I know I need to tell him to leave. Too much has happened and too much has been said that I can’t come back from. I need to work up the courage to say the actual words.

Show quote history

Just tell him.

Original poster
Autumnseason28 · 27/09/2025 18:35

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/09/2025 18:27

Just tell him.

Show quote history

I will, I need to wait until the kids are away and I also feel I want to speak to my mum first before I do it, so I have support

OP posts:
Emanwenym · 27/09/2025 18:41

Stop making excuses.
Tell your mother, ask her to mind the DC. Have a friend waiting for you to call for backup, and tell him to pack his bag and go..

Dozer · 27/09/2025 18:49

Oh god, just get him gone asap! Safely.

Make a plan. Including to change the locks.

Thank goodness you didn’t marry him.

Dozer · 27/09/2025 18:50

Telling your mum is a good idea, if you trust her to keep your confidence.

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