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Original poster

DH pressuring me to have a baby

212 replies

Autumnseason28 · 21/09/2025 14:43

Changed username for this.

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years. I have two children from a previous marriage, age 13 & 10.

When we met he made it clear he wanted a child, at that time I explained I was open to the idea but didn’t mind if I didn’t. We have had period where we were trying but we’ve had a few relationship issues and life stresses and it was always then put iton the back burner, including my father being diagnosed with a terminal illness.

My dh is at the point now where he says I’m not committed to our relationship because I’m not planning for our future (ie a baby). To be honest our relationship has deteriorated so much that I think it would be madness to consider. I’m almost 40, have a job and run my own business as well as looking after my two kids. After many many arguments I’ve now told him I now longer want to have another baby, life has changed for me and I know I wouldn’t cope with a new baby at my age and considering everything I’m already dealing with.

He is understandably massively upset but won’t accept what I’ve said. He has been miserable for a long time now, for various reasons but mostly because he says I’m not planning for our future (baby). He’s adamant he would support me being pregnant, take the load off when the baby arrives but I feel he has no idea the complexities and how difficult a new child is. He’s putting all his eggs in one basket so to speak that having a baby will make him happy again, which to me is completely naive.

After many more arguments I’ve told him he needs to accept I’ve said no to a baby and be happy / content with our life or else leave me and find someone else. He doesn’t want to do either so is constantly pressuring me to change my mind.

I honestly don’t know what to do and I feel like I’m on eggshells all the time waiting for another ‘relationship talk’ and dealing with his unhappiness.

what can I do?

OP posts:
MemorableTrenchcoat · 22/09/2025 08:39

Omgblueskys · 22/09/2025 08:15

No she's not, op has changed her mind, end of,

Show quote history

“The reason I haven’t chucked him out is because of the effect it would have on my children, they love him.”

It sounds like she’s using him as a father figure, or at least a source of comfort and affection, for her children. If he wasn’t providing this, he’d be chucked out. Therefore, she’s using him.

TottyMaude · 22/09/2025 09:53

Does he really want a baby? Or does he just want you to have one? That's two different things. Stick to your guns. Having a baby is not 'planning for the future'. That's just nonsense.

The last thing children need is to be shown that women have to be pushed and persuaded into having a baby, just to appease some bloke. Let him go, and he can impregnate someone who is willing.

Emanwenym · 22/09/2025 11:23

That’s not using him, that’s being concerned about my kids if/when we break up.
You will break up, regardless of whether or not you have a baby.

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 14:33

Op is clearly in much stronger financial position that him. I wonder if he’s envisaging being able to jack in work and be a SAHD

NotToday1l · 22/09/2025 14:53

Omgblueskys · 22/09/2025 08:15

No she's not, op has changed her mind, end of,

Show quote history

She hasn’t be honest in that she doesn’t live him and is only keeping him around for her children when he isn’t even their Dad?!?! 🤷‍♀️

Emanwenym · 22/09/2025 14:59

She is living with him @Omgblueskys , read OP's posts. He moved in to her's.

Omgblueskys · 22/09/2025 15:18

Emanwenym · 22/09/2025 14:59

She is living with him @Omgblueskys , read OP's posts. He moved in to her's.

Yes thank you am fully aware he is living with op,
My point was, op has changed her mind on having a baby and that's OK, so he either excepts the changed or moves on, , op has given him options but he is not excepting either right now

Emanwenym · 22/09/2025 15:25

@Omgblueskys , oops I quoted the wrong user.

@NotToday1l , She is living with him, read OP's posts. He moved in to her's.

NotToday1l · 22/09/2025 15:36

Emanwenym · 22/09/2025 15:25

@Omgblueskys , oops I quoted the wrong user.

@NotToday1l , She is living with him, read OP's posts. He moved in to her's.

What are you on about, I never said he wasn’t ?!?🤷‍♀️

Emanwenym · 22/09/2025 15:50

You posted She hasn’t be honest in that she doesn’t live him and is only keeping him around for her children when he isn’t even their Dad?!?! 🤷‍♀️

Sassylovesbooks · 22/09/2025 15:57

End the relationship. You both want completely different things in life. Babies don't mend rocky relationships, they make them much harder. Bringing a baby into an unstable relationship would be madness. You've changed your mind due to the fact the relationship isn't great, and you are personally stable and happy with your children and business. I can understand why you wouldn't want to disrupt this. Your partner isn't unreasonable for still wanting a baby, but he is for trying to pressurise you into having a baby, you clearly don't want. Your children may very well like your partner, but you can't stay in a relationship simply because you don't want to upset them. They're currently living in a household, where you are arguing with your partner, there's an atmosphere and you're anxiously walking on egg shells. That's not a way for your children to live (or you for that matter).

Original poster
Autumnseason28 · 22/09/2025 16:13

Thanks to everyone who had posted, I’ve been reading and re-reading them and trying to process everything.

I have come to the realisation from this thread that I am a coward. For not ending it sooner, for being so scared of ending it now. I wish I could fast forward to a point where the break up and process of moving out is done, because I know how awful it will be. He won’t make it easy. But I need to put my big girl pants on and do the difficult thing.

I’ve never used the word harass to describe how he is treating me but that does actually feel like what is happening now. For example yesterday morning I hadn’t even gotten out of bed and the first thing he said to me was ‘can we have a relationship talk’ which is just talking about having a baby, nothing else. I told him I wasn’t having the conversation again and he proceeded to follow me around the house telling me we need to be able to talk about this like grown ups (how patronising). I asked him multiple times to leave me alone and eventually I just exploded. I couldn’t take it anymore. And then he was shocked by my reaction. He doesn’t see the damage he’s doing by acting this way and that his behaviour is doing nothing to convince me to have a child with him, it’s doing the opposite. But he can’t help himself.

I agree in a way that the reason he hasn’t left before now is because he would have to go back to his mums. He’s said before if we broke up that he would have to leave with nothing whilst I still have my house, kids etc. He’s also very insecure about himself (despite coming across initially as very confident) and would hate to be seen as the ‘bad guy’. He regularly mentions people ‘assassinating his character’ including me if I ever have an issue about anything to do with him. I think this stems from things that happened to him growing up and he cares too much about what other people think of him and being perceived in any other way except as a good person.

I do need to stress that I do validate his feelings and I’ve told him this, it’s just the way he’s going about it and his behaviour is not ok. But I also have my feelings and when I’ve expressed them he doesn’t have the respect for me to accept them. His opinion and feelings trump mine. I’ve also told him that I feel like just an incubator because he’s never said ‘I want a baby with you’ or ‘I want us to have a baby’, it’s just been ‘I want a baby’ ‘I want to be a dad’

OP posts:
Mix56 · 22/09/2025 16:22

So what was the outcome of that row?
I think you need to be cool, calm, & the "strong woman" who leads.
You tell him, that he is not listening, his feelings do not trump yours. You will not be having another baby. the relationship is already on the verge of collapse, he cannot change your mind. If his desire for a child is primordial, then he needs to leave & find another woman, as evidently he doesn't care about You as a free entity, your life, your struggles, your age, your daily input... You will not be bullied into changing your mind, The End

Original poster
Autumnseason28 · 22/09/2025 16:27

Mix56 · 22/09/2025 16:22

So what was the outcome of that row?
I think you need to be cool, calm, & the "strong woman" who leads.
You tell him, that he is not listening, his feelings do not trump yours. You will not be having another baby. the relationship is already on the verge of collapse, he cannot change your mind. If his desire for a child is primordial, then he needs to leave & find another woman, as evidently he doesn't care about You as a free entity, your life, your struggles, your age, your daily input... You will not be bullied into changing your mind, The End

The same as always, back to not speaking to each other, or just being civil. Until the next time the kids are away and he’ll start again. I e told him everything that you’ve said here, multiple times. He says he can’t accept it and repeatedly asks the same questions, again. It just goes round in circles

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnseason28 · 22/09/2025 16:35

I have tried to be cool and calm, but he pushes and pushes until I can’t take it anymore. I dread the days the kids are with their dad because I know it will start again

OP posts:
Emanwenym · 22/09/2025 16:39

You can't live like that @Autumnseason28 .

Omgblueskys · 22/09/2025 16:39

Autumnseason28 · 22/09/2025 16:35

I have tried to be cool and calm, but he pushes and pushes until I can’t take it anymore. I dread the days the kids are with their dad because I know it will start again

Edited

Op can you tell him you need this time while the children are away, you just need some you time, go and see some friends, or just watch Netflix with chocolate and wine

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 16:46

One way of looking it Op is that from your updates…. He’s harassing you. Some would say abusing you.

OP, ask him to go back to his mum’s.

Get a takeaway with the kids, tell them what’s happened. There might be tears but they’ll pass, quickly, likely by the morning when they see you with. Smile on your face, and they don’t need to look at his morose face

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 16:47

Op you’re now at risk of teasing this out

This is your home. Your children’s home. Ask him to move back in with his mum’s.

TeamBuffalo · 22/09/2025 16:51

MinnieGirl · 22/09/2025 06:50

He sounds totally obsessed with having a baby…..to the point where nothing else matters, including the fact that your relationship isn’t working. I would find that really oppressive, and it would really make me stop and think about whether he was just looking for a baby incubator. Also, he won’t marry you until you have a baby… and all the planning for the future is just the baby… he sounds a bit weird to be honest.

You are not prepared to have a baby with him. And as that’s final he needs to shut up or leave. Personally, I would pack his things while he was at work, and the kids were at school, and change all the locks. He can find someone else to provide him with his obsession (baby).

He can find someone else to provide him with his obsession (baby).

Let's hope not. He does not sound in any way mature or emotionally prepared for being a father.

InterIgnis · 22/09/2025 17:07

Autumnseason28 · 22/09/2025 16:27

The same as always, back to not speaking to each other, or just being civil. Until the next time the kids are away and he’ll start again. I e told him everything that you’ve said here, multiple times. He says he can’t accept it and repeatedly asks the same questions, again. It just goes round in circles

Show quote history

This will continue until you pull the plug. He doesn’t want to go back to living with his mother, so he’s going to try and wear you down by continually hectoring you. He doesn’t respect you, no.

Throw him out.

BaronessBomburst · 22/09/2025 17:15

"he's said before that he would leave with nothing, whilst I would still have the kids and the house"

Well, why has he got nothing?
That's on him. You've worked for your home and your business. He's lived with his mum, and then you. Presumably he has a big fat bank account to fall back on?

Anonymous23456 · 22/09/2025 17:27

Just put him out. If its your house then he has no right be their. I'd pack his stuff take it to his mums and change the locks.

Needspaceforlego · 22/09/2025 18:19

Op I think you need to tell him the relationship is over. Neither of you are unreasonable but he wants a child you don't.

While he's with you he's carrying hope that you will cave. While you are with him your hoping he's going to drop the subject.

Can I give him credit for not arguing in front of your kids?

Original poster
Autumnseason28 · 22/09/2025 18:28

Needspaceforlego · 22/09/2025 18:19

Op I think you need to tell him the relationship is over. Neither of you are unreasonable but he wants a child you don't.

While he's with you he's carrying hope that you will cave. While you are with him your hoping he's going to drop the subject.

Can I give him credit for not arguing in front of your kids?

Of course. One thing I am glad of

OP posts: