DH pressuring me to have a baby

[Autumnseason28]

Changed username for this.

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years. I have two children from a previous marriage, age 13 & 10.

When we met he made it clear he wanted a child, at that time I explained I was open to the idea but didn’t mind if I didn’t. We have had period where we were trying but we’ve had a few relationship issues and life stresses and it was always then put iton the back burner, including my father being diagnosed with a terminal illness.

My dh is at the point now where he says I’m not committed to our relationship because I’m not planning for our future (ie a baby). To be honest our relationship has deteriorated so much that I think it would be madness to consider. I’m almost 40, have a job and run my own business as well as looking after my two kids. After many many arguments I’ve now told him I now longer want to have another baby, life has changed for me and I know I wouldn’t cope with a new baby at my age and considering everything I’m already dealing with.

He is understandably massively upset but won’t accept what I’ve said. He has been miserable for a long time now, for various reasons but mostly because he says I’m not planning for our future (baby). He’s adamant he would support me being pregnant, take the load off when the baby arrives but I feel he has no idea the complexities and how difficult a new child is. He’s putting all his eggs in one basket so to speak that having a baby will make him happy again, which to me is completely naive.

After many more arguments I’ve told him he needs to accept I’ve said no to a baby and be happy / content with our life or else leave me and find someone else. He doesn’t want to do either so is constantly pressuring me to change my mind.

I honestly don’t know what to do and I feel like I’m on eggshells all the time waiting for another ‘relationship talk’ and dealing with his unhappiness.

what can I do?

You said your daughters love him and that’s why you are not ending it with him…..you don’t love him, you are just afraid of breaking their hearts therefore you are using him and wasting his time……can you really not see this!🤷‍♀️

That’s not using him, that’s being concerned about my kids if/when we break up.

can you not see that’s it’s not as simple as you make out?

I don't think you future faked him at all. You wanted to have a baby with him, but things changed, and now the relationship isn't stable enough to bring a child into. If you knew all along you didn't want a baby and strung him along, that would be different.

Your relationship isn't working. You can't bring a baby into a shit show. I don't know why your being passive and continuing along with this farce. Lots of people have lots of reasons that they are continuing in unhappy relationship, fear of change, fear of the inknow. Fear of being alone, fear of upheaval. Fear of instability. Fear of being the bad guy or emotional exhaustion. You are going to have to pull the plug eventually. End it and move on.

Isn't the main reason that woman stay in unhappy relationships? They priorities their kids happiness above their own.

Although, realistically @Autumnseason28 dragging it out is only compounding the problem. They aren't going to get less attached to him. They will get more attached as time goes on.

The prospect of never having your own children is quite a huge deal, that doesn’t mean you should do so if it’s not right for you at all, neither of you are being unreasonable. You just that you do have accept that it is going to be the elephant in the room until he can accept that or you part ways.

Isn't the main reason that woman stay in unhappy relationships? They priorities their kids happiness above their own

Surely that’s when the man is actually the father of the children, this man isn’t ?!?

It doesn’t seem likely that he’ll change his tune and start focusing on improving your relationship, OP. And you’ve said he’s been miserable for ages. You have to tell him the relationship is over and get him out of your home.

You haven’t ’future faked’ him at all. What you’ve said about feeling differently as your relationship has gone on and about his lack of respect for your decision makes perfect sense. You’ve no reason to punish yourself simply for how things have turned out. But you do need to grasp the nettle and get him out of your home and your life. The kids aren’t old enough to understand now, but it’s better for them in the long run, too.

Op how old is he?
Is he actually paying anything into the rent / mortgage?
Can he move back to his Mums, even on a temporary basis?

TBH it doesn't sound like the relationship is going to last anyway, is he potentially looking elsewhere, but loathed to spit because of the housing situation?

I think I'd suggest a temporary split. Give you both some breathing space.

He's using you.

He was living at his mom's. You provide a nice place to stay, sex, you're the better deal. He's trying to lock that down with a baby which will make it harder to kick him to the curb where he belongs. It's actually a good thing that he hasn't married you, which I understand there could give him a claim on your home.

It's time for him to go. He's harassing you at this point because he won't take no for an answer about having a baby.

Your kids won't stop loving you when he's out. You'll feel better being out from under a coercive man trying to to for you to have a baby you don't want to have and when you're happier, they are too.

Future faking is when someone promises something they have no intention of delivering. It’s an entirely different thing to changing your mind, which is what OP did.

OP, he doesn’t want to leave you because, while he may desperately want a baby, leaving you means moving back in with his mother and giving up all the creature comforts being in a relationship with you provides him. Hence why he’s ignoring what you’ve said and is doubling down on trying to pressure you.

The last thing you need is adding a baby to your already volatile relationship. It would be like throwing a grenade into a bonfire. You need to end the relationship. He wants a baby. You don’t. Your family is already complete and you’re at the next stage of your life - probably even beginning to enjoy a bit more freedom now your kids are older. The situation will either continue or he’ll dump you. There is no outcome that will satisfy you.

You say your kids will be hurt, but it sounds like if he didn't keep going on about a baby... you'd just coast along.

It's not healthy to be this way. What has been done to try and address the issues in your relationship?

I think your comment is unfair. He doesn't have to take them as his kids. They are not his kids... and it doesn't mean he doesn't love them enough, because he wants his own child.

You'd never say this to a woman.

Ick. Time to tell him to move out

Op there is zero point in arguing with anonymous posters about whether or not you’re unreasonable to have changed your mind about having a baby.

You have. The End.

so now you focus on your LIVING children, and the idea that pre teen / teen are going to be permanently scarred by fact that a miserable, moody man, who they’ve known a mere 3 years, who is making their mother clearly very anxious and unhappy, moving out of their home is… well, daft. They may be upset for a bit, but they will have school, friendship dramas to focus on AND their mum will be happy again!

and as for him moving out of his mum’s… I’m guessing this isn’t a particularly financially solid chap who offered you much financial support? Whereas you have your own home and business. Pick better next time. In fact, don’t pick at all until your children aren’t so dependent on you and you can take the risk!

End it already. It won’t be easy but nobody benefits from the current situation.

Waiting for him to be different is cowardly.

He doesn't need counselling, he wants a family of his own, which is completely natural and normal.

You've decided you don't want another child, so you need to separate. On this, there is no compromise.

And even if he does need counselling…. This OP has two dependent children and a business and a home to run. She needs to focus on her kids, herself, her business, her life.

He is a grown assed adult and if he needs counselling, he can sort it out himself. When he moves back in with his mum.

But for him, it isn't.

Imagine how you would feel if you were 40, wanted a baby, and your life partner refused to share your dream.

In his eyes, you are saying you don't care what he wants.

End the relationship and ask him to leave. He needs to find someone else.

I think you need to be more proactive in ending things. He wants a baby and thinks he will change your mind by going on about it that's not fair to you but also to him. I stayed in a relationship far too long with someone who didn't want more children it was easier than splitting and I hoped he would change his mind

He sounds totally obsessed with having a baby…..to the point where nothing else matters, including the fact that your relationship isn’t working. I would find that really oppressive, and it would really make me stop and think about whether he was just looking for a baby incubator. Also, he won’t marry you until you have a baby… and all the planning for the future is just the baby… he sounds a bit weird to be honest.

You are not prepared to have a baby with him. And as that’s final he needs to shut up or leave. Personally, I would pack his things while he was at work, and the kids were at school, and change all the locks. He can find someone else to provide him with his obsession (baby).

Send him on his way. He wants to be a Dad. That’s ok. You don’t want a baby. That’s ok too

But you both want the opposite so this relationship cannot work

No she's not, op has changed her mind, end of,

Hi op hopefully you have had the weekend to think about things, hope its clear for you and you can make the right decision for your family,

Think you need to just leave him OP. He wants a baby, you don't. Not fair on either of you. You shouldn't feel pressured into have a baby you don't want or be made to feel bad that you don't want one. He equally shouldn't have to give up his wishes to have a child of his own. Leave him, move on and find someone who also does not want children.