DH pressuring me to have a baby

[Autumnseason28]

Changed username for this.

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years. I have two children from a previous marriage, age 13 & 10.

When we met he made it clear he wanted a child, at that time I explained I was open to the idea but didn’t mind if I didn’t. We have had period where we were trying but we’ve had a few relationship issues and life stresses and it was always then put iton the back burner, including my father being diagnosed with a terminal illness.

My dh is at the point now where he says I’m not committed to our relationship because I’m not planning for our future (ie a baby). To be honest our relationship has deteriorated so much that I think it would be madness to consider. I’m almost 40, have a job and run my own business as well as looking after my two kids. After many many arguments I’ve now told him I now longer want to have another baby, life has changed for me and I know I wouldn’t cope with a new baby at my age and considering everything I’m already dealing with.

He is understandably massively upset but won’t accept what I’ve said. He has been miserable for a long time now, for various reasons but mostly because he says I’m not planning for our future (baby). He’s adamant he would support me being pregnant, take the load off when the baby arrives but I feel he has no idea the complexities and how difficult a new child is. He’s putting all his eggs in one basket so to speak that having a baby will make him happy again, which to me is completely naive.

After many more arguments I’ve told him he needs to accept I’ve said no to a baby and be happy / content with our life or else leave me and find someone else. He doesn’t want to do either so is constantly pressuring me to change my mind.

I honestly don’t know what to do and I feel like I’m on eggshells all the time waiting for another ‘relationship talk’ and dealing with his unhappiness.

what can I do?

IMHO, you are now faced with someone who is globally miserable & thinks this messiah will fix everything, when you are already maxxed out, know the slog involved & are of an age where you don't need, & aren't, going to risk it.
The odds are he won't get up the for umpteenth time in the night
I understand he has a right to have his own children, but sadly it won't be with you,
You need to say that your decision is final, he needs to accept it or leave. oh & if he wants to stay then his acceptance also is final, & the pressure (& any recriminations) are over

The fact that he had refused to marry but wants a baby first is a massive red flag. Sorry op, but he needs to go. My mum was married 5 times, and I don’t miss a single one.

You both want fundamentally different things, there's no compromising when it comes to having a baby. Sounds like the end.

Regardless of what you might have wanted in the past, you don't want a baby with this man, in this relationship, and that's not going to change. The relationship has become unhappy anyway, so I would view the disagreement over having children as a distraction at this point. You want and need to end the relationship and he is resistant. His nagging you about getting pregnant is a symptom of something else (his lack of respect for your boundaries, possibly the beginnings of bullying or emotional abuse). If he genuinely wants a baby, it's in his immediate interests to disentangle himself from you so he's free to pursue other relationships (although honestly, it sounds like he needs to work on himself first). But stop giving him choices; he has made his choice.

@Autumnseason28 , You need a bit of emotionally maturity to understand the complexities in this.
What's to understand?
You let a man move in with you. He wants a baby and is putting pressure on you to have a baby you don't want. You are using your DC as an excuse not to end a relationship that is no longer working for you.

The relationship needs to end.

And…. What did he say?

And why the heck would you leave

when he moved in (from his mummy’s) to your home?

But even this particular issue aside, the relationship is circling the drain

Thank you for understanding

I guess I am looking for a sort of realisation from him that our relationship now is what takes priority and we need to work on that. Rather than this BABY BABY BABY obsession that has completely taken over his brain.

You probably shouldn't have said you were open to the idea in the first place. Plenty men have done that and the women have wasted years. However, the clock doesn't tick for men like it does women.

There's also the chance he finds out that a kid doesn't fix his unhappiness and he'll bail anyway.

YOU need to end this OP. I think you know that.

No more relationship talks. Stop him when he asks, tell him if he's not happy then the doors over there, but you're not discussing it anymore. In the meantime.

I'd probably make sure contraception is water tight. No sabataged pills or anything.

Get wrong when you say she didn't 100% say yes. She said yes but she didn't mind if they didn't. So it was a yes from her as long as he wanted a baby.

If it was the other way round people would be saying he was future faking, and I think there is an element of that here. However, that doesn't mean it's right to bring a baby into a clearly doomed and failing relationship. The responsible thing is to not have a baby right now, and giving the OP's age and feelings about the relationship, that likely means never.

He sounds manipulative, but he also sounds desperate, and like he's been let down. I get it and many women who feel the same in his situation. He needs to leave and find someone who wants a baby. Missing out on fatherhood is not something he should compromise from, and I think he'd come to regret it.

This relationship needs to end from both sides.

But I was open to it when we met. So much has changed now though. I was being truthful then and truthful now

But you aren’t “doing this to them” he is. He is basically saying he doesn’t love them enough to be satisfied with them as his children.

Forget it - you want different things and everyone knows having a baby puts a strain on a relationship it doesn’t fix a broken one. Time to ditch him and move on.

?

I can honestly say that if our relationship was in a good place I would still be open to a baby. In fact, my heart would say yes. I did say that at one point we were actively trying and I wanted to at that point. But so much has happened between us since then and I have to put my big girl pants on and be realistic about what a baby would do to our already declining relationship. That’s not future faking.

So you were mid thirties when you got together. The time for trying for a baby was then, although I appreciate you wanted to be sure in the relationship before getting pregnant.

You’ve given him the options. Not much more you can do, apart from to take the decision out if his control, and to sadly end the relationship.

He said he can’t accept that and therefore continues to want these ‘relationship talks’ and proceeds to follow me around the house demanding I speak to him despite telling him I don’t want to talk about it anymore

Babies don’t fix bad relationships op. And as for ‘future faking’ - no! If the relationship has deteriorated, then babies are off the table.

Well there we go

you gave it to him straight and he’s just ignored you.

OP do you not see how this will be a pretty unhappy environment for your children, added to which… to have their mum so anxious and stressed, and her boyfriend moping around…. Awful.

your focus, aside from the children, needs to be getting a job. Can you afford the rent / mortgage without him?

he can move out… tomorrow. Presumably back to his mum’s

I have a full time job and I also run my business part time

He wants something OP but I highly doubt it's a baby. I also doubt that your children actually love him. You need to end this relationship for everyone's sake but mostly for you and your kids.

Well, she never met a drunken abuser she didn't like but when push came to shove , she would dump them. She broke the cycle and that's tough and I will always respect that.

Some of the bfs and fiances were ok, but I never really invested emotionally in them as father substitutes. They were just mom's bf or fiance. So when they broke up, that was that.

Your kids love you and breaking up with a coercive bf is not going to change that.

Your kids are smarter than you think, they hear things, and they probably get the gist of what's going on. You realize if you had a baby, your BF would likely not treat them as well. Your oldest might try to intervene at some point if your BF argues with you a lot.