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Original poster

DH pressuring me to have a baby

212 replies

Autumnseason28 · 21/09/2025 14:43

Changed username for this.

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years. I have two children from a previous marriage, age 13 & 10.

When we met he made it clear he wanted a child, at that time I explained I was open to the idea but didn’t mind if I didn’t. We have had period where we were trying but we’ve had a few relationship issues and life stresses and it was always then put iton the back burner, including my father being diagnosed with a terminal illness.

My dh is at the point now where he says I’m not committed to our relationship because I’m not planning for our future (ie a baby). To be honest our relationship has deteriorated so much that I think it would be madness to consider. I’m almost 40, have a job and run my own business as well as looking after my two kids. After many many arguments I’ve now told him I now longer want to have another baby, life has changed for me and I know I wouldn’t cope with a new baby at my age and considering everything I’m already dealing with.

He is understandably massively upset but won’t accept what I’ve said. He has been miserable for a long time now, for various reasons but mostly because he says I’m not planning for our future (baby). He’s adamant he would support me being pregnant, take the load off when the baby arrives but I feel he has no idea the complexities and how difficult a new child is. He’s putting all his eggs in one basket so to speak that having a baby will make him happy again, which to me is completely naive.

After many more arguments I’ve told him he needs to accept I’ve said no to a baby and be happy / content with our life or else leave me and find someone else. He doesn’t want to do either so is constantly pressuring me to change my mind.

I honestly don’t know what to do and I feel like I’m on eggshells all the time waiting for another ‘relationship talk’ and dealing with his unhappiness.

what can I do?

OP posts:
ElizaMulvil · 21/09/2025 15:55

Be pleasant but explain you are no longer seeing the future together and you are sympathetic and quite understand his disappointment so you are releasing him from any obligation to you so he can have a child with someone else. Then you can volunteer to help him pack up and take him back to his Mum.

mamagogo1 · 21/09/2025 15:58

He clearly stated he wanted a child, you said you were open to it but now have decided not to therefore you should leave him as your decision which you are entitled to make is contrary to what he said he wanted from the start. The effect on your existing children isn’t his concern, he does deserve to find a dp who wants children. If the situation was reversed everyone on the thread would tell you to find another man!

confuseddating · 21/09/2025 15:59

This is the exact same situation that I was in with my ex, we’d also been together 4 years. We ended up deciding to amicably separate.

I didn’t feel it was fair to deny him having a child of his own, but I was also adamant that I didn’t want any more DC

Aimtodobetter · 21/09/2025 15:59

Autumnseason28 · 21/09/2025 14:57

I should add that he is my dp; we’re not married. He wanted baby first, then marriage. We could have been married 10 times at this point though but his idea of me being committed is having a baby first

Absolutely no way in hell. If he couldn't commit to marriage when you would have wanted that legal stability - why would you trust him to provide stability with a child. I would not focus on your own life and make absolutely sure you don’t get pregnant.

InsectsMatter · 21/09/2025 16:03

Sounds like he’s not pulling his weight OP and the work if another child would be left to you.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 21/09/2025 16:04

mamagogo1 · 21/09/2025 15:58

He clearly stated he wanted a child, you said you were open to it but now have decided not to therefore you should leave him as your decision which you are entitled to make is contrary to what he said he wanted from the start. The effect on your existing children isn’t his concern, he does deserve to find a dp who wants children. If the situation was reversed everyone on the thread would tell you to find another man!

Yup. If the situation was reversed, everyone would be saying that he was a future-faker, and calling him all sorts.

Theroadt · 21/09/2025 16:10

Well when you got together he was open about wanting a baby. That’s natural enough if you’re both in your late 30s. I don’t think either of you should feel badly but it would be unfair to stay with him and deprive him of the chance to start a family with someone else.

Aimtodobetter · 21/09/2025 16:11

Just saw that he is in fact living with you (from his mum’s?) and from the sounds of it you are doing a lot of the financial provision here. Even easier - ask him to leave. He’s not adding joy to your life, I’m relatively confident your kids will get over it pretty quickly as you are the one they really love (plus if their relationship with him is authentic it can always continue - I just doubt it will) and the alternative of having a half sibling take a huge amount of your time and attention is not likely to be great for them - plus it doesn’t sound like he’s done much to show himself as a great partner for having a kid if your relationship is on the rocks, he’s potentially not adding much on finances and he is shockingly naive on the realities of babies.

NotToday1l · 21/09/2025 16:15

Autumnseason28 · 21/09/2025 14:43

Changed username for this.

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years. I have two children from a previous marriage, age 13 & 10.

When we met he made it clear he wanted a child, at that time I explained I was open to the idea but didn’t mind if I didn’t. We have had period where we were trying but we’ve had a few relationship issues and life stresses and it was always then put iton the back burner, including my father being diagnosed with a terminal illness.

My dh is at the point now where he says I’m not committed to our relationship because I’m not planning for our future (ie a baby). To be honest our relationship has deteriorated so much that I think it would be madness to consider. I’m almost 40, have a job and run my own business as well as looking after my two kids. After many many arguments I’ve now told him I now longer want to have another baby, life has changed for me and I know I wouldn’t cope with a new baby at my age and considering everything I’m already dealing with.

He is understandably massively upset but won’t accept what I’ve said. He has been miserable for a long time now, for various reasons but mostly because he says I’m not planning for our future (baby). He’s adamant he would support me being pregnant, take the load off when the baby arrives but I feel he has no idea the complexities and how difficult a new child is. He’s putting all his eggs in one basket so to speak that having a baby will make him happy again, which to me is completely naive.

After many more arguments I’ve told him he needs to accept I’ve said no to a baby and be happy / content with our life or else leave me and find someone else. He doesn’t want to do either so is constantly pressuring me to change my mind.

I honestly don’t know what to do and I feel like I’m on eggshells all the time waiting for another ‘relationship talk’ and dealing with his unhappiness.

what can I do?

To be honest our relationship has deteriorated so much that I think it would be madness to consider

Why are you still with him then?

Set him free to meet someone else and have a child with them

Blappengrap · 21/09/2025 16:16

Autumnseason28 · 21/09/2025 15:05

I haven’t ’future-faked’ him, I was honest at the time. Things change and people change and I now know having a baby in this relationship would be horrible. What should I do, go along with him because I said 4 years ago I would be open to it??

Show quote history

Both things are true. Things have changed and it would now be foolish to have a baby with him, but you have also strung him along regarding having a baby when he was very clear he wanted children. You have to take responsibility for that.

I think you should apologise for stringing him asking but say the relationship has changed and is no longer working, and end it.

For what it's worth, I think the refusal to marry you was a huge red flag and you should have chucked him at that point, it's especially dodgy given he wants you to have a baby without the security of marriage.

Original poster
Autumnseason28 · 21/09/2025 16:16

MemorableTrenchcoat · 21/09/2025 16:04

Yup. If the situation was reversed, everyone would be saying that he was a future-faker, and calling him all sorts.

Show quote history

Well if you want to be that black and white about it, surely anyone who gets married and then wants to divorce would also be ‘future-faking’.

People change, situations change. Should I continue and agree to a baby just because I once said I was open to it, when I didn’t actually know how the relationship would pan out??

You need a bit of emotionally maturity to understand the complexities in this.

OP posts:
MemorableTrenchcoat · 21/09/2025 16:18

Autumnseason28 · 21/09/2025 16:16

Well if you want to be that black and white about it, surely anyone who gets married and then wants to divorce would also be ‘future-faking’.

People change, situations change. Should I continue and agree to a baby just because I once said I was open to it, when I didn’t actually know how the relationship would pan out??

You need a bit of emotionally maturity to understand the complexities in this.

Show quote history

No, like everyone else is telling you, you should end this dysfunctional relationship.

Original poster
Autumnseason28 · 21/09/2025 16:19

Blappengrap · 21/09/2025 16:16

Both things are true. Things have changed and it would now be foolish to have a baby with him, but you have also strung him along regarding having a baby when he was very clear he wanted children. You have to take responsibility for that.

I think you should apologise for stringing him asking but say the relationship has changed and is no longer working, and end it.

For what it's worth, I think the refusal to marry you was a huge red flag and you should have chucked him at that point, it's especially dodgy given he wants you to have a baby without the security of marriage.

Show quote history

Not a chance will I apologise for making a decision now that I have experienced what it’s actually like to be with him. I could argue that he strung me along by pretending to be a nice positive person, but turns out to be completely miserable most of the time.

i have been completely honest throughout this relationship based on my experiences throughout the relationship.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 21/09/2025 16:19

He's not committed to the relationship as he doesn't want to get married without a baby. You might not even be able to get pregnant again at almost 40. Don't have a baby you don't want. I had 3 DC when Iet my current DH. He says he'd rather be married to me with no baby than with someone he doesn't love with a baby. He has been a really great step Dad to my DC. I just met him when I was 41.

GiraffesAtThePark · 21/09/2025 16:21

It sounds difficult to recover from. You don’t want him throwing this in your face in years to come if you continue on in this relationship.

Mel0626 · 21/09/2025 16:21

Personally I would dump him and move on!

Original poster
Autumnseason28 · 21/09/2025 16:22

MemorableTrenchcoat · 21/09/2025 16:18

No, like everyone else is telling you, you should end this dysfunctional relationship.

Show quote history

As I’ve said, I’ve offered him two choices, stay and learn to be content or leave and find someone to have a baby with. He’s not bound to me in any way.

if he won’t choose then obviously I will leave.

OP posts:
BonneMaman77 · 21/09/2025 16:23

So your OH is pressuring you to make a life changing decision despite you explaining to hi you don’t want to.

one of you needs to change your mind or you need to separate are the two options. Both come with pain and some fall out you need to deal with that should be taken into your decision.

if he stays he may keep pressuring or start resenting and you and your children it seems will be hurt. I’d rip the plaster and ask him to leave now and help your children through the breakup.

He has time to find someone whi wants the same. Ask him for the sake of women that next time around that he show his commitment to the woman who’s going to carry a child! Vs a signing a piece of paper. If she wants a marriage that is

Notthatgameagain · 21/09/2025 16:25

Never have a baby to make yourself or someone else happy. This is not going to end well. You and your DP need to be happy to begin with and then have a child. I would not let him pressure you. A baby will only add more stress to the relationship. I think you have done the right thing and he has to now make a decision about whether he is happy with that.

Decca45 · 21/09/2025 16:25

I can understand why he’s upset as the idea of not having a family or splitting up has obviously come as a massive shock to him, but I can’t quite understand why you’re still with him from how you describe your relationship?

Tigerhoods · 21/09/2025 16:30

It will be a big upheaval for your kids when he leaves. But it has to be done. The relationship sounds totally miserable. So just end it. You and the kids could maybe go to family therapy afterwards to work on how to deal positively with the changes ... then you'll have done yiur best for them and can live life guilt free. Good luck!

Blappengrap · 21/09/2025 16:30

Autumnseason28 · 21/09/2025 16:19

Not a chance will I apologise for making a decision now that I have experienced what it’s actually like to be with him. I could argue that he strung me along by pretending to be a nice positive person, but turns out to be completely miserable most of the time.

i have been completely honest throughout this relationship based on my experiences throughout the relationship.

Show quote history

You sound as arsy as he is, maybe you are well suited. Good luck with it all.

GlitchStitch · 21/09/2025 16:35

You need to take control of this situation now. You say he's miserable and the relationship is too awful to bring a baby into, but it's fine for your existing kids to be stuck with? Stop giving him options and put your kids first. You need to end the relationship.

BlueShiney · 21/09/2025 16:38

At the end of the day, it’s not as bad for a man, I’m sure if he desperately wants a baby he’ll meet someone. The fact he stayed with you when you said you’re open to is on him. You didn’t say 100% yes, so he could have left then.

As you say, you didn’t know how the relationship would pan out and you’ve decided that another baby wouldn’t work for you and you’re entitled to decide not to go ahead with it simply to please him. It’s definitely the right choice for you and your kids, as resentment would no doubt kick in on your part, when the ‘novelty’ of the first few weeks wears off and he realises how immense the responsibility of having a baby actually is

You’ve got nothing to feel bad about. He’s free to leave

ThreePears · 21/09/2025 16:42

Deebee90 · 21/09/2025 15:07

End the relationship so he can go and find someone who actually does want children with him. If you knew he wanted children at the start and you didn’t you shouldn’t have carried on the relationship. It’s cruel. Either way your relationship is done so end it. Your kids will thank you

He won't even commit to marrying the OP. Why should she stand by something she said several years ago, which was that she might be open to the idea (and which, at that time, was true)? It is his more recent behaviour that has made her realise that the answer is no. People can and do change their minds depending on how circumstances and relationships develop.