DH pressuring me to have a baby

[Autumnseason28]

Changed username for this.

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years. I have two children from a previous marriage, age 13 & 10.

When we met he made it clear he wanted a child, at that time I explained I was open to the idea but didn’t mind if I didn’t. We have had period where we were trying but we’ve had a few relationship issues and life stresses and it was always then put iton the back burner, including my father being diagnosed with a terminal illness.

My dh is at the point now where he says I’m not committed to our relationship because I’m not planning for our future (ie a baby). To be honest our relationship has deteriorated so much that I think it would be madness to consider. I’m almost 40, have a job and run my own business as well as looking after my two kids. After many many arguments I’ve now told him I now longer want to have another baby, life has changed for me and I know I wouldn’t cope with a new baby at my age and considering everything I’m already dealing with.

He is understandably massively upset but won’t accept what I’ve said. He has been miserable for a long time now, for various reasons but mostly because he says I’m not planning for our future (baby). He’s adamant he would support me being pregnant, take the load off when the baby arrives but I feel he has no idea the complexities and how difficult a new child is. He’s putting all his eggs in one basket so to speak that having a baby will make him happy again, which to me is completely naive.

After many more arguments I’ve told him he needs to accept I’ve said no to a baby and be happy / content with our life or else leave me and find someone else. He doesn’t want to do either so is constantly pressuring me to change my mind.

I honestly don’t know what to do and I feel like I’m on eggshells all the time waiting for another ‘relationship talk’ and dealing with his unhappiness.

what can I do?

Sorry wrong thread

so it’s your home op

and he came with nothing if from his mum’s?

@Autumnseason28My DW also wants another kid however situations are not exactly comparable but I'll further explain so I have 2 kids boy 9 and girl 14, boy has severe learning difficulties.

DW wants another to ease burden on daughter however I said what if next one has same or worse which she just says oh it won't but I told her she's having one for the wrong reasons.

We have a house and worked hard to get it because before we were in a flat where my kids had to share so I don't want to do anything to jeopardise that.

I know in my heart I really do not want another one, I am 38 and wife definitely wants one more, she won't give up on that.

We have also been going through relationship issues which is more to do with me and my mental health however DW is not really supportive of that saying I'm all different but I am because I know I don't feel the same as even 6 months ago.

Instead of giving me understanding and empathy im getting criticism and snide remarks like I just got my hair cut and had a shave and then she says to me oh your going out are you tonight? sad thing is I'm just making an effort for her and getting it thrown back in my face.

Like me going out now making an excuse to get something from the shop so I can get a bit of space because when I'm at home she's just there giving me no space constantly sitting next to me. Iv never cheated or even considered it even though she's accused me earlier on in our relationship but her being around me feels suffocating at times. Iv been honest saying I need space but never get it.

She tells me I don't love her if I'm not being cuddly but how I am right now is what she caused and then she tells me how she will take the kids and live somewhere else.

I haven't given up on her but she's making it extremely hard for me to make it work. Been with her for 15 years.

You want him to accept the relationship with you and stop wanting a baby. That’s not going to happen. You’ve had your own children and you would be open to it if your relationship were better so you must understand his wish to have children. You’ve become incompatible so it’s clear the relationship needs to end. Your children will get over it.

I think you know that your relationship is over already.

A new baby won't fix relationship problems. It will make them worse. The women is then left literally holding the baby.

What else has happened? It doesn't sound like the relationship is any good or worth saving even without the baby issue.

End the relationship OP. Your kids will get over it. The relationship is shit and you want different things - he wants a baby above all else and you don't want any more DC, which is completely reasonable. I wouldn't have a DC with this man either - he's unrealistic and he doesn't want to marry you - he just wants you to provide him with a baby. Fuck that! Seriously, end it. You'll be doing both of you a favour. This man is not your happily ever after and you aren't his.

Don't have an "Elastoplast" baby with him to mend your relationship and his unhappiness/ dissatisfaction/ depression - this never works and you'll be left a single parent to two teenagers and a toddler. You need to split up by the sound of it - without having a baby first.

To be blunt and practical you can wave him goodbye with a clean conscience because the issue of age is obviously different for men, he hasn't waited out his fertile years and missed his chance at his own biological child like some women do, and as a childless man who wants to become a father he'll be a much more attractive proposition to sensible women in their mid 30s looking for a partner to start a family with, than if he has a messy history and has just left the mother of his baby....

Throw him back and feel happy with your decision - he sounds incapable of ending the relationship himself for whatever reason but you and your teens will be happier, and eventually so will he.

You need to end this relationship. He clearly can’t accept your decision. It’s very clear this guy wants a child, and that’s perfectly reasonable. But he cannot just try and make you change your mind. Given the state of the relationship, a baby would be a terrible idea. If he won’t make the decision to leave, then you need to tell him it’s over and let him go and find someone who does want children. Your relationship is over, he won’t ever happily accept a future without children, and you can’t be forced into having a child you do not want. You want different things and he shouldn’t waste anymore time on this relationship when you’ve made your position clear. Your DC will be ok.

What can you do? You end it and you leave.

@Alittlefeedbackwouldbenice

I agree with the majority of what you say, but I was meaning she wasn’t wanting one as much as him, so they weren’t on the same page from the start. She already had two so the biological urge wasn’t there in the way it would have been if she didn’t have have any.

Had he been a better partner then perhaps she would have really started wanting one but as he turned out to be not so great, the desire wasn’t going to grow.

I’m just glad she didn’t do it to suit him.

Oh fuck that!

What loser pressures a woman for a baby without even showing her he will step up with marriage first!?

Run for the fucking hills op. He's creepy and he's a using cunt who only wants to baby trap you.

And it just gets better.

Boke.

Please get away from this utter bum.

Love means nothing if he doesn't respect you. He doesn't and he thinks he can wear you down.

You have to be the one to end this. Because users don't leave unless you make them.

Ps: your kids will be fine.
Much more so than if you reproduce with the asshole and they get stuck with him in their house, bullying their mum into things she doesn't want by sulking and arguing. It's called coersive control by the way (trying to guilt you into a baby). And it's a crime.

If the relationship not good enough to bring a baby into - maybe get the babies you’ve already got out of it?? Madness to stay. You said you’d have a baby if the relationship wasn’t as bad, then why stay with him? Get him out of your house!

Your children love you more than they love him. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, so call time on it and move on.

'No' is not a negotion. Get away from men who think it is. They do not even like you.

I think you need to end it so he can find someone who wants the same things as him.

I think it would be wrong to stay together and deprive him of children.

I don't think the word deprive is fair though. No one is OWED kids. And frankly he sounds like he should be deprived them. No one should be procreating with people who try pressure and guilt women into it.

You future faked him. Now have the courage to end it and let him find someone who does want children with him

You haven’t been honest, you don’t love him and are only keeping him in your life because of your kids…..you are using him

You are not happy in the relationship. A baby is t going to make it better. It will make it 100x worse. Its not something I'd even consider. Why are you putting all the control in his hands regarding leaving or staying? You wanted to have his baby and now you don't. That's a clear sign that things aren't going in the right direction. Do you think it's salvageable? What are you both doing to improve the relationship or are you just delaying the inevitable?

So much it would need a thread of its own

What exactly a I using him for?

I’d say at this point I’m delaying the inevitable.

I think it would be salvageable if we took the ‘baby’ issues off the table, for the time being at least. But is the only ‘relationship’ issue he is willing to talk about

I agree that I need to find courage but I have been honest with him throughout this.