What is this? Heartbroken

[IfIHadAHeart]

I’ve been in a relationship for about four years. We don’t live together as are both divorced and have kids at home. He has supported me through some really difficult times, we get on well, I trust him. There seemed to be mutual respect and it’s the first relationship where I’ve ever truly felt I was understood.

We met through work. We don’t work for the same employer or even the same industry really, but cross paths now and again which is how we first got talking. He knows most of my colleagues as he works with them from time to time too. I have recently been working towards promotion, and have now applied for a six month post within my organisation but in a different area. It doesn’t involve moving or anything like that, just a longer commute. I submitted the application yesterday, having discussed it with him beforehand. He hadn’t seemed that supportive, which surprised me. However yesterday once I told him I’d applied, shit hit the fan.

He told me I’m weak, not management material, no one will ever respect me. That I’d be back in a few weeks with my tail between my legs having fucked up. He said the only way I’ll get the job is if I sleep with my potential new manager first, then accused me of sleeping with various colleagues and suggested he needs an STI test. I refused to engage with it, so he got nastier. He basically brought up any doubt or insecurity I’ve ever shared with him, said a whole host of incredibly hurtful things and then had the cheek to end the relationship saying good riddance, he’s better off without me and is running for the hills.

I know it will sound unbelievable when I say this but this side of him has come out of nowhere. There have been no signs before of any nasty streak, to be honest he treats me like a bit of a princess really with so much care and love.

Needless to say, the things he’s said were so hurtful that the relationship is over as there were things I will never be able to forgive. But I am absolutely heartbroken. I can’t understand his behaviour at all and I don’t know how I can ever move on from this. I genuinely believed he was the other half that made me whole.

Any ideas as to what’s caused this change?

He sounds jealous OP and I think you’re better off without him. What a nasty thing to do!

He's involved with someone who you might cross paths with if you get the promotion.

He's shagging someone in the new department and it's all going to come out, or, he wanted to apply for the same job and feels threatened?

From what you say, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s having an affair with someone in the different area. He sounds very rattled.

I’d sorry he was so nasty to you, whatever the ‘reason’ - there’s no excuse.

ha - three of us have said the same thing all at once!

I can’t say why without being outing I think, but he doesn’t know anyone in the new area so I don’t think it’s that. Nor is it a job he could apply for - I work in the police and he doesn’t.

Im not even sure about jealousy - he earns far more than I ever will. The only thing I can think is that it’s because he doesn’t know anyone in the the new area, whereas he knows all my colleagues where I currently work.

How bloody peculiar ! Was he after the same job ?
It does sound as though he's jealous.
You're definitely better off without him.

When a partner starts arguments out of thin air and they start over-reacting to everything then there's often a third party (in my experience).

You can't make sense of his behaviour because it just doesn't make sense! He's blowing up over anything so he can have an excuse to end things. I agree with previous posters that he might be seeing someone that will be working with you in your new role.

Christ, how utterly awful for you op. I’m so sorry he’s done this. But honestly? I wouldn’t waste your time trying to understand why he did it. Needless to say, it’s something you would never do, so you’ll never really understand it. He obviously has some deep rooted insecurities/issues that have today, been vomited all over you. That is not ok and he is not a good man.
It is bloody awful when you find out that, actually, you don’t have a “good one”. But, at least you know and can act accordingly. Sending unmumsnetty hugs your way xx

He’s an insecure coward OP, so sorry

The bit about him treating you like a Princess raised a red flag for me. He feels threatened by you moving out of his sphere of influence as he won’t be able to keep tabs on you as much.

Some people never want you to do better than they're doing, or aspire to anything that may mean that.

He can’t handle you progressing in your career as you won’t be his needy princess type , disgusting how he spoke to you, you’ve outgrown him and he’s done you favour.

Either there's something or someone at your potential new place of work that he doesn't want you to come across, or he's one of those people who really can't cope with change of any sort, and you changing jobs is too much for him, so in his fright and fear, he's turned it on you and it's come out nasty.

Either way, you're best off without him.

What a despicable thing for him to say. He appears to think that successful women get to where they are in their careers by shagging their way there, and that you are one of them.

There is absolutely no way past this. Dump the bastard.

I would put money on this - sorry OP.

When a partner starts arguments out of thin air and they start over-reacting to everything then there's often a third party (in my experience).

Agreed, there’s definitely projection going on here. And he sounds like a jealous insecure bastard, Fuck him, get the promotion and don’t look back.

Please pour all your emotion into making sure you get that bloody job Elle Woods style.
What a horrible person - good riddance.

He's shown you who he is. Get rid. Congratulations on your achievements.

Wow so sorry x

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, that behaviour would be a shock to anyone. Sometimes when someone feels their control or sense of superiority slipping (like when you’re applying for a promotion), their true colours show. They lash out, belittle or accuse because they’re scared of losing their power over you.

I was in a very similar relationship. My ex did everything to undermine me and even tried to talk me out of starting an online business a few months ago (dropshipping). I ignored him and went ahead anyway. That business now makes me around $7k a day, and guess what now he’s the one borrowing money from me. It was a huge wake-up call about who was actually supportive of my growth and who wasn’t.

What you’re seeing now is not a “new” side of him; it’s the side he always had but hid while it suited him. The good news is this behaviour has shown itself before you tied your future even closer to him. Right now it hurts like hell, but down the line you’ll see it as the moment you were freed to focus on yourself and your success.

Be kind to yourself, lean on friends, and don’t let his words take root they’re a reflection of his insecurity, not your worth.

I think you’re stepping outside of the role he’s prescribed for you and he can’t handle it. Awful

Currently you live and work within the same area. Although you don't work together, you do cross paths with each other and he knows the majority of your work colleagues. Now you've applied for a job in a new area, working with new colleagues and away from your partner (now ex partner). At the moment he knows where you are and who you're with and the area you'll be. He can keep tabs on you relatively easily. He can't if you're working in a new area and with colleagues he doesn't know. He doesn't like that fact. He wants you where he can keep 'an eye on you'! Yes, he could be jealous of the new job, but as he doesn't even work within the police force that would be odd. It's not like he's applied too, and you got the job over him. I think you need to thank your lucky stars that his true colours came out. Yes, it's been bloody horrible and a shock, but now you know how horrible he can be.

What a weirdo!

I would suggest that up until now you have been controllable. He knew what the relationship was and he felt powerful within it, because he "had you summed up and pigeon holed". I'm guessing he's a narcissist (hence the love bombing princess crap)

Now youre shifting his comfort within the relationship.

Could it be drug use? A lot of men, in my experience, get very jealous and nasty on cocaine.