What is this? Heartbroken

[IfIHadAHeart]

I’ve been in a relationship for about four years. We don’t live together as are both divorced and have kids at home. He has supported me through some really difficult times, we get on well, I trust him. There seemed to be mutual respect and it’s the first relationship where I’ve ever truly felt I was understood.

We met through work. We don’t work for the same employer or even the same industry really, but cross paths now and again which is how we first got talking. He knows most of my colleagues as he works with them from time to time too. I have recently been working towards promotion, and have now applied for a six month post within my organisation but in a different area. It doesn’t involve moving or anything like that, just a longer commute. I submitted the application yesterday, having discussed it with him beforehand. He hadn’t seemed that supportive, which surprised me. However yesterday once I told him I’d applied, shit hit the fan.

He told me I’m weak, not management material, no one will ever respect me. That I’d be back in a few weeks with my tail between my legs having fucked up. He said the only way I’ll get the job is if I sleep with my potential new manager first, then accused me of sleeping with various colleagues and suggested he needs an STI test. I refused to engage with it, so he got nastier. He basically brought up any doubt or insecurity I’ve ever shared with him, said a whole host of incredibly hurtful things and then had the cheek to end the relationship saying good riddance, he’s better off without me and is running for the hills.

I know it will sound unbelievable when I say this but this side of him has come out of nowhere. There have been no signs before of any nasty streak, to be honest he treats me like a bit of a princess really with so much care and love.

Needless to say, the things he’s said were so hurtful that the relationship is over as there were things I will never be able to forgive. But I am absolutely heartbroken. I can’t understand his behaviour at all and I don’t know how I can ever move on from this. I genuinely believed he was the other half that made me whole.

Any ideas as to what’s caused this change?

What a horrible experience for you and what a nasty piece of work. He is obviously deeply insecure and threatened by the thought of you gaining promotion. Well done for binning him off. It shows you are anything but weak. Don’t take his vicious rubbish to heart, it’s clearly untrue. Block him now and never give him the time of day again, the absolute shit.

“Some of what he’s said about me being weak and not management material is unfortunately playing on my mind. I am an overthinker and I do struggle to stick up for myself at times. So I guess he could be onto something there.”

He’s not, he’s a dick. Proper management means serious and difficult thinking and allowing things to play on your mind, even including a bit of imposter syndrome. Managers who have no self-doubt are not generally great managers, just great self-promoters. So they can often get promoted, which then helps to make it look like arrogance is the way to success.

Agree.

Being 'softer' than him will likely make you a better manager than him. Maybe he's realised how inadequate he is compared to you. Especially as you achieved a promotion last year and are now applying for a managerial role. You are clearly an ambitious and capable woman and perhaps he's intimidated by that? You deserve so much better if so.

Agree 100%. I immeadiately thought the same thing.

You may find with a bit of distance that there are other things that you've not noticed as being particularly relevant come to mind . His non apology is pathetic Sorry if I upset you - wtf . It was very much designed to deliberately upset you And what does he need time to think about ?He made an unprovoked attack Because you put in for a promotion. The only reply I would send is fuck you .

This bit is something that stuck out to me "He knows most of my colleagues as he works with them from time to time too." since you met him via work he may have controlling tendencies that he's been able to cover up up until now Because he's always been aware of the people that you work with. The new role means he doesn't know anybody you work with and the shifting dynamic seemed to have been the trigger.

The first thing I want to say is how horribly shocking and upsetting this must have been for you, a total bolt out of the blue. I imagine you must have felt you were in the middle of a horrible dream when he started all that ranting and raving. As to what has caused it, who knows but it sounds to me as though he felt threatened by you doing something independent and out of his control and sought to reassert his dominance by trying to drag you down and shatter your confidence. He has shown you a really troubling side of his nature and while it is really painful now I think that long term you will be better off without him.

Some people prefer the weaker version of you and when you step up for yourself and start to do things to create self esteem, it sets them off. I'm sorry, this must have been such a shock for you to see this other side.

Hi OP, why does HE 'need space' exactly? From what? You applying for a promotion?! Why wasn't his reaction 'Im proud of you'? I think he's done a good job hiding his true self until now, as I imagine he's just wanting to cause drama which will take your focus off what you need to do for the promotion and puts him firmly in the centre of your attention and you feeling a bit off-kilter.

Also isn't it strange that he brought up any doubt and insecurity you've ever mentioned? It's almost like he's used them deliberately as he knows they play on your mind and this promotion is important to you.

I wonder if the next contact will be a big effusive apology excusing away his behaviour - especially as you're not engaging with him and aren't begging him to talk it over. He won't like that at all.

I'm sorry this has happened but you seem to have your head screwed on so stick to your guns and congratulate yourself on letting him go after he's shown you who he really is.

He had you right where he wanted you and in his eyes you've upset the equilibrium. He wanted to be the 'successful' one in the relationship. You might go getting ideas above your station.

I'm sorry you've discovered he's an utter arsehole

Could it be triggering something connected with the breakdown of his marriage? That wouldn’t excuse it but might explain.
if it is he will explain and apologise, and you can decide where to go from there. If he doesn’t it’s good riddance and he’s shown his true colours.

Control. He cannot control you or a new work role & environment
You will acquire new skills, confidence and autonomy and it threatens him
Now he’s shown you who he is Get shot of him he’s a boorish bully.
You are police, you know MARAC you know what abuse is,this how it starts

OP some men really struggle with their women partners “getting ahead of them”. In this case, he seems to really have become momentarily unhinged in his tirade against you. There is something about the new job, or some quality he recognises in you that is threatening for him. Maybe he feels you are more intelligent or more capable in some way. He has behaved so despicably, there’s no coming from this, don’t let him talk you around. It will only rear its ugly head again somewhere down the line. I think from what you have described and some other posters have said, he wants you in a certain role, where he wants to be “looking” after you. He must be quite insecure in himself deep down and can’t face you being stronger than him. But the emotionally abusive way he spoke to you is unjustifiable.

No
women don’t constantly need to accommodate or compromise for inadequate men
Explain & apologise are what inadequate men do. To deflect,distract,and obfuscate
Your advice is Waffly,woolly well intentioned nonsense

My brother is like this and I didn’t know it.That was until he sent me numerous long and extremely abusive texts when he was under stress. His texts were totally out of proportion to the situation and using language that could never be justified unless perhaps I had murdered someone. I think it’s narcissistic rage as it’s both immediate and out of proportion. As others have said this is who this person is. You’ve just seen it for the first time, but it is there and it will come again. He wants to be in control. You don’t need this person in your life and far from him needing space he’s given you an out. Block him, he has shown his true colours and will revert to the real him at any time if you let him back in, especially as he would then know that he can get away with it. Look at it this way, would you behave towards him in a similar fashion? If not, why not? It’s totally disrespectful and out of proportion and you will walk on eggshells trying to avoid a repeat. So block and thank your lucky stars you’ve seen who he really is and not the facade he’s put on. He is an unpleasant man who thinks nothing of being extremely hurtful towards you when something bothers him. He then has the cheek after his disgraceful behaviour to say that HE needs space! He has used words designed to deliberately hurt and humiliate you and keep control. This is who he is and he has shown you that. OP have you ever said no to him on anything? What was his reaction? Dump him and block him.Theres no need to reply to him at all.

I would have ended it immediately as well, this wan was furiously jealous and insecure at the thought of you succeeding

When I sat the exam for my promotion last year he popped round the night before with flowers for my desk, snacks etc. (it’s a long exam and I was doing it at home). He sat with me while I studied, brought me things to make little flash cards etc

That would have infuriated me, who the hell goes to someone’s house the night before a major exam…..I think he was deliberately distract you and put you off studying, I would have told him to go home !

I don't think he's having an affair - this sounds like he's freaking out because it's an area of your life that he has no control over and you've made decisions about your career without his input. Please don't let him worm his way back in with apologies - the things he said to you were unforgivable imo. Don't let his cruel words put you off going for your promotion, you are a capable and intelligent woman and of course you are management material!

He sent me a message today saying he needs some space

Little confused, did you end it last night and today he seems to be saying he is the one who needs space

Why would he say he needs space if you ended it?

JFC OP, I'm shocked. I have no idea why or how someone could suddenly switch like that. How crazy.

Has he really never been nasty like that to you before, in four years?

Anyway, you really do not need someone like him. I'm so sorry.

ETA: I think stuff like moving you to the inside of the road is really vomit-inducing. I'd laugh in a man's face if he tried that with me. The sub-text is that you are an ickle woman and he is superior. I mean, it doesn't have to be that, but it can be an aspect of the psychology of a man who looks down on women. Same as the other stuff you mentioned. Look up love-bombing.

I’m going to name change shortly after this post because it’s very “outing” but I am going to say it anyway..
I had a similar deeply unnerving experience from someone - not from being in a personal relationship- but from a doctor.
It was a truly horrible experience that almost no-one in real life believed me when I told them. I went all the way to police, GMC, and eventually to civil court to try to deal with him.
In essence, the situation was the doctor I’m referring to was apparently kind and considerate and a fantastic doctor (not my doctor btw) who for whatever reason assaulted me (and after I reported it) then denied it, as you’d expect, but not before laying some clever groundwork before the assault and again afterwards that I would never have anticipated.
One thing that he did that was really disturbing was to lose control (in front of someone else) when he saw me for the first time (at his job btw) after the assault where he said some very odd things including telling me I wasn’t special and that my DC was going to school to “get away from me” (this doesn’t really translate I know but in context it had absolutely nothing to do with whst was going on and was more like having a breakdown than anything I’ve witnessed before from anyone).

Why is this relevant.. because to me, your partner seems to have lost control - completely and utterly- in that one conversation. And nothing he said in those accusations was true or even something he could reasonably believe. That is psychopathic behaviour. As is holding and using your vulnerabilities. You won’t come across behaviour like this often (thankfully) because it isn’t common.

The groundwork - all your friends and colleagues (well most!) know him. What would they say if you told them what he’d said probably along the lines of.. are you sure he said that? Maybe he meant x,y,z? Mental health crisis? Did you say something that made him think that? (they might think that but not say it but you’ll forever wonder if that’s what they think because of how little they do say to you).., etc.

Why did he do it - because as above, he lost control of you - and that is literally all that needed to happen for this to be the result.

I hope I don’t sound insane or to be talking about something irrelevant- I don’t actually mind if I do ! - so long as you hear this for your sake. He is a very dangerous man.
He’s not just jealous- he is jealous - but he’s more about absolutely controlling you (and everyone around him). It’s no surprise he’s picked a strong (and you are!) woman .

Do yourself the best favour you can and do not ever reply to him.

Im sure some people will say or think I’m being dramatic but the only way you know this is from experience. If it cannot make sense to you.. his behaviour and words I mean - it’s because it doesn’t to him either , not really, but that does NOT make it forgivable. But he will now be believing something along the lines that you provoked him and he will settle his mind by deciding that your conversation didn’t go the way it really did.

Take care of yourself OP and smash that job!

You can tie yourself in knots trying to make sense of bad behaviour, but it's not always understandable. Something within your job situation has triggered something in him, he may not even understand what, and he's revealed a side to him that didn't exist previously as part of your relationship. I'm so sorry for the sudden loss of your previously lovely relationship, it's sounds like a kick in the gut. The crap apology is another kicker. I'd have accepted genuine remorse and perhaps parted on friendly terms, but that was a real cop-out.

Why would you want anyone to treat you like a princess?

Find a man who treats you like an equal.